Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1)

by Michelle Sutton

  Peering up, I saw him wince. “I’m sorry I said that to you, and to our son. I…just…I guess I wanted to hurt you like you’d hurt me. I suspected the night we went to dinner that you were trying to tell me you were having an affair, but I didn’t want to hear it. But it still bugged me. In the back of my mind I knew that something was wrong between us. Something more than I was allowing myself to see.”

  “You did? Then why didn’t you say something?”

  “I had to deny it, because I knew if I faced the truth it would’ve brought it all back, and that would’ve crushed my heart! I’m so sorry I took my anger out on you.”

  His statement made no sense. “But why…whore. Why call me…that?”

  James stared into my eyes, then focused on the wall, as if transported to another time and place. “My parents split up when I was ten. I never told you the reason before. My dad, he was drinking heavily and my mom was tired of cleaning up his puke, his messes. She started going out a lot. One of the few weekends when my dad was actually sober, he’d taken me fishing. When we came home…dad found mom in bed…with the next door neighbor.”

  “Oh, no…”

  The adultery in my husband’s life had gone even deeper than I’d thought. All the way back to his childhood…

  “My dad, he ripped my mother right out of their bed, and he screamed in her face before he threw her against the wall. Then he punched the guy’s jaw while the was man was trying to put his pants on. He kept punching him and punching him. Blood went everywhere. I thought my dad was going to kill him. My mom called the police and they took my dad to jail. He never got over what my mom had done. She was never the same either. I think the guilt ate at her because she started drinking, too. It’s a wonder I’m not a raging alcoholic. I know it wouldn’t take much for me to get there, though. That’s why I’m not drinking anymore. Not even one beer.”

  “I think I understand.” I twisted the damp tissue I held and pondered what my husband had just told me. I knew he was angry with his father but I never knew why his parents had divorced. He’d never told me before. And to think that the two wives he’d had before me had cheated on him just like his mom had done.

  It was difficult for me to fathom how that action must’ve resurrected all of that pain…each time it happened. And I had been no different than the others. My shoulders sagged at the realization that I should’ve been different, but I hadn’t been. And I was supposed to be a Christian.

  But this time around I would know my weakness. It wasn’t hidden anymore. I just needed to keep my communication open, especially with James, and never to let our marriage get that strained again. Not without a fight. I’d fight for our marriage. I had to, or it would die, just like his parents’ marriage had disintegrated to the painful point that it still effected my husband at his age. At almost fifty. What a sad legacy he’d been left.

  But we had our faith. This faltering of our marriage needn’t destroy our son. We could overcome our weaknesses with God’s help. Wasn’t that what the Scriptures said?

  “So you see why I said that to you? It was instinct. I didn’t mean it. I was just so angry that I wasn’t thinking about your feelings, or Jimmy’s.”

  A wry, sad half-grin curved his mouth and he winced. “Sad truth is I think I was more mad at myself than I was at you, because I knew part of it had been my fault. I’d ignored your pleas for help, and I ignored your needs, like when I knew you wanted to make love. I was wrong to do that, Hope. Forgive me?”

  “Of course I forgive you…again. There’s no need to apologize for the same thing over and over.” I placed my hand on his knee.

  James nodded, then hung his head so I couldn’t see his eyes.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I released it, determined to help him understand my childhood drama as well. “I never told you about what happened with my parents. My mom had an affair on my dad, too.”

  My husband’s head snapped up. “Really?”

  “Yeah. I’d forgotten about it, or stuffed it down. When my sister visited, she told me about what happened with our mom and the guy she was seeing. Then things, details, they started coming back to me. My dad had worked all the time, so my mom had a boyfriend. I didn’t know who he was, just that my mom liked hugging him. I remember he was Hispanic and had an accent. As my sister told me the story again, I realized how in some ways having the affair made me feel close to my mom. And I’d been depressed, and missed her so much. It sounds weird, but it’s true. I felt like I understood my mom when I was seeing…him. Not that it’s an excuse or anything.”

  Our therapist interjected. “It’s interesting that you both bring up the sin of your parents and how much that hurt you both, yet you found yourselves doing the same things. Sometimes I think Satan knows our weaknesses even better than we do.”

  James and I nodded.

  “The important thing is to not give him a foothold. To fight the temptation he slides into our lives every day. The only way we can do that successfully is if we hold each other up in prayer and encourage each other with the Word of God.”

  When I thought about it, I realized that when James started lagging on his commitment to pray with me every night that we had less peace in our home. It all coincided with my trip to L.A. and his ex-wife contacting him. I should’ve encouraged him to pray anyway, or led prayer myself, but I’d let it slide. Now I realized that was the worst thing I could’ve done.

  James reached for my hands and held them. “I’m going to commit to praying with you every day. At least once. And eventually when we’re back together in our home, I’m going to pray before we go to bed, just like we used to.”

  My vision blurred at the husky sound of his voice, the memories. The most intimate thing James could do was pray with me before we made love. I longed for that more than anything. And it still amazed me that he wanted to share the rest of his life with me. I’d never understand it, but I’d never take it for granted again. I couldn’t afford to.

  “I’d like that.”

  James pulled me into his arms and held me close. Something deep inside me began to glow. A tiny spark of hope ignited. It was then that I knew…we would make it. Deep inside I knew that as long as we included the Lord in our marriage that we’d be okay.

  “I love you, James,” I whispered against his neck as I clung to him, inhaling the spicy scent of his cologne and reveling in his touch. Oh, how I’d missed him.

  He gave me another quick squeeze, then released me.

  Our marriage counselor cleared his throat. “I think that’s enough for today. I’d like you to take these handouts and really pray before you do the lessons. Then we’ll meet again in one week. Will that work for you both?”

  I nodded and James agreed. We received the proffered papers.

  I stuffed my copy in my purse and James shoved his into his back pocket.

  James stood and helped me to my feet. He shook hands with Jeff, and I followed with the same.

  After James walked me to my car and gave me one last hug, I sat there for a few minutes and marveled at how much we’d learned about each other’s past in such a short time. Stuff neither of us had known about the other.

  Finally, I turned on the engine of my SUV. James was long gone. We’d squeezed our session into his lunch hour, and he had to get back to work. Jimmy was still in school. I dreaded going back to my home office. I had gotten so behind as the result of the drama in our home.

  Maybe a bit of ice cream would give me the boost I needed to get back on track. I imagined plunging a spoon into a pint of caramel nut ice cream and letting the confection melt on my tongue as I sat in front of the computer. Yeah, that’s what I needed.

  Detouring to the supermarket on the drive back home, I became so fixated on getting the ice cream that I didn’t look around me, or I would’ve seen Tony’s wife’s car in the parking lot.

  Chapter 30

  As I turned the corner and headed for the ice cream freezer, I came face to face with Tony, his wife
, and his son, whom he held in his arms.

  At first Tony’s eyes grew wide, but he recovered quickly. He waved his hand at me as if to shoo away a pesky fly. “See what I told you? She follows me. I cannot get away from the woman.”

  Shocked, I couldn’t move. Why would he tell her something like that? Unless he was trying to play the victim to win his wife back. He must be a desperate man to make up such a scheme that was obviously not true.

  “Stop harassing my husband, you witch!” Tony’s wife approached me with her hand raised. Her face held such loathing I worried she’d hit me in the store.

  Instinctively, I stepped back and nearly stumbled into a display. “What? What are you talking about?”

  Their baby started wailing. Tony shifted his son on his hip. The screeching sound of his mother’s voice had apparently upset him.

  She pointed her finger at me and hissed, “He’s told me all about your calls, your making him lose his job by stopping by his work. And to think I started to believe you when you said you were sorry. And all the while you were…Oooh! You’re fatal attraction! I’m gonna sue you and make you pay for this you—”

  Without waiting for her to finish, I mentally blocked out her voice, turned my back on them both, and ran from the store. Forget the ice cream! I had to get away…as far from them as possible. My heart raced as survival instinct kicked in. The woman at the checkout counter watched me leave, a worried look on her face as she reached for a phone. But I didn’t care. I just needed to get out of there so I could breathe!

  Frightened, I whipped the door of my SUV open, tossed my purse on the seat, hopped inside, and cranked the engine.

  How had this happened? I thought they’d left town. And for him to tell her such lies about me was beyond scary. What if my husband believed them?

  I groaned. I cried. I moaned deep within my spirit and prayed with words I didn’t understand, but God knew my heart. He knew my cry for help.

  Tears streaming down my face, I drove home still praying. “Lord, help me to get through this. I need Your strength Lord. Just when I think it’s over something like this happens. Haven’t I suffered enough for my sin?”

  I cried and yelled at God, and when I finished, I sensed a calmness in my spirit. As if God was pleased that I’d talked to him truthfully about my frustrations and pain. While it didn’t solve my immediate problem, at least I knew God was with me through it all.

  “Thank you, Lord. I’m leaning on You. Please hold me up.”

  My house loomed in the distance. I thanked God for answering my prayers even before I knew what His answer would be, and I parked in our driveway. Like a zombie I entered our home and dove on our bed. Mentally and emotionally exhausted, I closed my eyes and prayed. I could catch up on my paperwork later. Right now I was tired. So tired.

  I woke to the sound of pounding on my back door. Glancing at the clock, I noticed I’d slept for three solid hours. Jimmy should be getting home from school any minute. Maybe he’d forgotten his key, and I’d locked the door in haste.

  Sliding to the floor, I approached the back door. More insistent pounding told me that Jimmy was not the person doing the knocking. I peered through the peephole. A man in a white shirt waited for me to answer. He looked official.

  Opening the door a mere two inches, I asked, “Can I help you?”

  “Mrs. Williams?” he asked?

  “Yes. How can I help you?”

  “You’ve just been served.” He slid the envelope toward my hand until I grasped it, then turned and walked toward a government vehicle.

  Glancing closer, I noted the man’s car door bore the County Constable insignia.

  I’d been served?

  I closed the door and glanced at the envelope in my hand. By who? James? Was he asking for a divorce after all?

  My hands shaking, I stepped away from the door and opened the envelope. What I saw ripped the air from my lungs. Tony and his wife were suing me for harassment and requested a hearing to get a restraining order against me.

  Groaning, I realized that meant I’d have to face them in court. I didn’t want to see them again, let alone talk to them or get a judge involved in my business. But if I didn’t show up I could get an injunction against me. I also didn’t want to be assumed guilty because I failed to show up and defend myself.

  The door opened. I glanced up as Jimmy walked inside. “Who was that?”

  My mouth opened, but the words wouldn’t come.

  “Are you in trouble, Mom?” Jimmy set his backpack down and watched me expectantly.

  “I don’t know. I have to go to court to defend myself. This is simply not true.”

  “What’s not true?”

  “That man…I was seeing…he and his wife are taking me to court.” It sounded horrible to my ears to be telling my son about my problem, but he’d asked and I wasn’t going to lie to him.

  “What for?” Jimmy touched my arm.

  “They said I’m harassing them.” I folded the papers and returned them to the envelope. Anger rose within me as I considered that in fact they were harassing me, and not the other way around. I just wanted to forget about what happened, but Tony’s wife seemed determined to drag my name through the mud.

  “That’s nuts, Mom. You’re not harassing anybody.”

  “Doesn’t matter.” I shook my head. “I still have to go to court, even if it’s only to tell them it’s all a lie. I have to make this go away. I don’t need a blemish on my record.”

  “Don’t worry, Mom. God knows it’s not true. He’ll help the judge see that.”

  Jimmy offered me a hug. Such childlike faith my son had. Maybe that’s all I needed. The simple faith children possessed that God loved so much. That full trust in Him. Determined to not rely on my own strength this time, I agreed with my son.

  “Yes, God will be my defender. You’re right. I’m not going to worry about this.”

  “Good. Now what’s for dinner?”

  Glancing at the phone on the wall, I chuckled because I knew what his answer would be before I asked. “How does pizza sound?”

  *****

  Later that night, James called to pray with me before bed, just like he promised he would. “Hey, Hope.”

  “Hi.”

  His soft laugh grabbed my attention. “You don’t have to sound so happy to hear from me.”

  A wry grin pulled at my mouth at his humor, even though nothing about my situation was funny. “It’s not you.”

  His voice grew serious. “Then what is it?”

  “I got served…papers. I have to go to court.”

  “Served? Who? What?”

  “Tony and his wife are bringing me to court. I’m charged with harassment.”

  “That’s ridiculous…or…is it true, Hope?”

  I blinked several times. “No. I didn’t mean to run into them at the store. I just went to get some ice cream. Then he came up with this cockamamie story that I’d been following him around. She even called me fatal attraction!”

  “Wow. So when is it?”

  “What?” My throat constricted. I still couldn’t believe Tony was doing this to me.

  “The hearing. When is it?”

  “Next Thursday at three. Downtown.”

  My husband exhaled into the phone. “I’ll go with you.”

  I hadn’t considered that. “You’ll what?”

  “I’ll go with you. Lend you support. I don’t want you facing them alone.”

  That made sense, but it frightened me to think that Tony and my husband would be in the same room together. What would they do to each other? “Are you sure you can handle it?”

  “I’m going to have to. Don’t worry. I feel God speaking to my heart about this. He’ll give me the strength I’ll need to keep from going off on that man.”

  “O…kay. Um. Sure. I’ll meet you at the courthouse then.”

  “Are we still meeting next week for counseling?” My husband’s voice sounded strong. Maybe he could handle it bet
ter than I thought.

  “Yes. I wouldn’t miss that for the world. I need it.” Suddenly very weary, I yawned.

  James laughed. “Great. Let me pray for you before you nod off on me.”

  As my husband led prayer, my mind wandered. How would I face Tony again? I didn’t want to see him. I wanted to forget I’d ever known him.

  Inside I felt a nudge. This is needed for your healing. Trust Me.

  What else could I do, but trust God? “Yes, Lord.” I whispered at the end of my husband’s prayer. And I’d meant it. Amen. Let it be so.

  “Hey, Sweetheart, are you still with me?” My husband’s voice grew husky. I loved it when he used terms of endearment with me.

  “Yeah, I’m here.”

  “Good. I want to kiss you over the phone. Are you ready?”

  My heart swelled. My husband used to blow me kisses over the phone when we’d first dated. It was like going back in time and starting all over again.

  “Sure.” I giggled. I couldn’t contain it.

  A breathy, airy smack touched me over the airwaves. “I love you, Babe.”

  Unable to contain the emotion in my voice, I responded thickly. “I love you, too.”

  Maybe the next time I saw my husband, he’d kiss me for real. For now, I’d take whatever he offered. That had to be enough.

  Chapter 31

  Over the next week I talked with James on the phone every night before bed. He led the prayer and I added my own as well. We still hadn’t kissed. Our last therapy session had been so emotional that it wouldn’t have felt right anyway. Not after James had confessed that he still struggled with the image of me in bed with Tony. At least he was being honest, but it hurt just the same.

  Maybe we still had some loose ends to tie up before we could make that leap. Neither of us were ready. Not yet. And we both knew it.

  Of course, it probably had a lot to do with my upcoming court date. Tomorrow would undoubtedly be the scariest day of my life. My husband and my former lover would come face to face, and it terrified me every time I pictured it in my mind.