Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1)

by Michelle Sutton

  In fact, several times over the past week I’d woken up sweating as I imagined the worst case scenario. James had a temper. I feared that he’d rip Tony apart and get arrested in the courtroom. I just couldn’t shake the image of the bailiff hauling my husband away in handcuffs.

  The phone rang. I checked caller ID. James.

  “Hi.” I swallowed hard, my eyes still wet from crying when I’d thought about losing James all over again. I considered telling him not to come.

  “What’s wrong? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

  I decided to tell him the gut-wrenching truth about my fears. “I’m worried, James. I know how angry you can get. I don’t want you to get in a fight with Tony at the courthouse. Maybe you shouldn’t go with me.”

  “What? I’m not letting you face that vulture alone.”

  “See what I mean? You hate him, don’t you? You hate me for doing this to you.” Tears burst forth and I sobbed, praying I was wrong, but fearing I was right.

  After a long pause, my husband caressed me with his tender voice. “Oh, honey, I don’t hate you. I hate what the enemy did to our family, but I could never hate you. I don’t even hate him. I’m disgusted with him and the head games he and his wife are playing with you, but you don’t need to worry about me losing control.”

  “I don’t?”

  “Nope. I’m all prayed up. I have a peace about this. If I keep praying and force the enemy’s thoughts from my head, I’ll make it through just fine. Then it’ll be over, and we can move on with our lives.”

  He had peace? Was prayed up? Wow, God really was doing a miracle in my husband’s heart. I don’t recall him ever being that solid in his faith before. I guess when you got kicked down and then hit an all time low like James and I had, about all you could do was look up.

  And I sure hoped he was right about his self-control. I yearned for that kind of strength. “Thanks. I needed to hear that.”

  “I’m taking the whole day off tomorrow. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate anyway, and I’d rather drive with you to court than just meet you there. That would make me feel a whole lot better. I don’t want you stuck alone with those people if they arrived first and for some reason I ended up getting there late.”

  “You sure?”

  “Most definitely. First I’d like to take you to breakfast, then maybe we could go shopping and get you a nice outfit you can wear to court in the afternoon. Sound good?”

  “Sure. But why new clothes?”

  “I want you to look and feel your best. It’ll help boost your confidence.”

  That made sense. “I can use all the help I can get. Thanks for thinking of me.”

  His voice sounded husky. “I think about you all the time. I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too.” Tears started flooding my eyes afresh.

  “How’s our son?”

  “He’s doing better than expected. He just got his final grades for the first quarter, and they’re all A’s. Impressive, huh?” I chuckled, delighted that our son had done so well in school despite the drama in our family.

  “Yeah, he takes after his smart mother.”

  Before I could stop myself, I snorted, “Yeah, right. I used to think I was smart, but obviously I’m not because ever since—”

  “Do we have to go there again? I’m getting tired of you always going back to that subject. Can’t we just talk about something else? Please?”

  Not sure how I felt about being corrected, I muttered, “Uh, sure.”

  Silence reigned.

  I swallowed hard, not sure what to say next.

  James must’ve felt the same way because he ended the call. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Okay.” I hung up before he could hear me crying again.

  Why did I have to shove my foot so deep into my mouth by talking about the affair every time we spoke? Must be I still felt insecure about our relationship, like I was just waiting to be rejected. Or maybe I tested his commitment to our relationship.

  But what if court ended up being a disaster and James decided to break things off? Worse, what if the truth hit him hard and he turned on me?

  I could only pray that the Lord would protect his heart and reassure him that I would never do something like that again. It wasn’t worth the risk or the pain. Yeah, the sex with Tony had been great, but James had assured me sex was no longer an issue for him. Even if it continued to be a problem, as long as he didn’t reject me in our marriage bed, I’d be committed to our marriage.

  Purge that thought.

  I had to be committed anyway—for better or for worse—if this was going to work out between us. I just needed to keep the communication open and not give up or turn to someone else when things seemed out of hand. And I committed to pray, to reach out to the Lord, cry to Him when I hurt, and let Him hold me in my grief.

  No more pushing away the Lord when things got difficult.

  Closing my eyes, I smiled even as a wayward tear rolled down my cheek. My heart melted when I pondered how much I wanted to find out if what James had said about his abilities was true. I longed to know my husband in the Biblical sense—and soon.

  But I had to make myself be patient and give us time to heal. If waiting would solidify our bond, then I would defer my heart’s desire as long as possible. At least until God gave me the go-ahead. James would have to initiate things. Not me.

  *****

  The next morning I awoke and saw Jimmy off to school. He had returned to being a kid again, so while he rattled on about the field trip his class was going on that afternoon between shoveling spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth, I listened and thanked God that my child had moved on. Or at least it appeared that way.

  I prayed my assessment was right because I needed to know that he was recovering from the trauma of his father’s absence. Then I could focus better on getting the court hearing over with and moving forward. I had to stop looking back.

  My cell phone rang. James called and said he was waiting for me outside.

  Bundling my coat against my neck to ward off the morning chill in the air, I locked the house and approached my husband’s truck. “Hey.”

  James scanned the length of me and grinned. “Hey, beautiful.”

  My heart did a little flip at the glimmer in his eyes. The rest of me started to respond, so I closed my eyes for a moment and blew out a long breath. I needed to block the invading thoughts and desire for James before they made me crazy.

  Funny thing was even though my mind tried to suppress my body’s response, I didn’t do so well. Wasn’t there a Scripture from Genesis where God said to Eve that a woman’s desire would be for her husband, yet he would rule over her?

  A wry grin tugged at my mouth as I climbed in the truck and considered how I’d love it if James took control right now and whisked me away to a private place where we could enjoy each other. I peered at his handsome face from the corner of my eye and stifled a giggle.

  “What’re you grinnin’ about?” James reached for my hand, grabbing it the moment I clipped my seatbelt. He gave my fingers a gentle squeeze.

  Through bubbling laughter, I replied, “You. Me. ‘Nuff said.”

  The wicked gleam in his eye told me he caught my meaning and liked it. A lot.

  “Well, that’ll make this even more fun then.” Lifting my hand to his mouth, he kissed it tenderly, just like the gallant men in historical romance novels did when they wanted to impress a lady. It must be working, because I was thoroughly impressed.

  Trying to offer a concerned look, but failing miserably, I asked, “What did you have in mind, mister? I get the feeling you’ve planned something evil.”

  He winked, then released my hand and started the engine. “You know me well. But I wouldn’t call my plans evil. A bit wicked maybe, but not evil.”

  My mind raced with the possibilities. I liked what my thoughts concocted, but had no idea what he had planned as I followed him into my favorite department store. One that I rarely sho
pped due to the above-average prices. But oh, what eye candy. What a treat to just be there and browse around. And with my husband!

  Gazing in awe at the extensive display of women’s lingerie, I paused in front of several garments that I’d always dreamed of owning, but could never afford.

  My husband slipped behind me and put his arm around my waist. His warm breath tickled my ear and sent a shiver zipping through my spine as he whispered heatedly. “I want you to buy as much as you want.”

  Was he serious? Expand my wardrobe in lingerie? Since we'd married, other than the sheer black baby-doll James loved, I’d purchased only two staple nighties, which thankfully still fit me even though they were a bit worn. I usually wore my husband's old T-shirts to bed. And my bras and panties were also fading and stretched out. What I wouldn’t do to pitch the whole lot of them and start fresh.

  James stuffed some bills in my hand. Peering down, I spread the bills like a fan and gaped. “Five hundred bucks?”

  “You’re worth it.” He winked and moved closer to the intimate apparel aisle.

  “But how can we afford—”

  “I had it tucked away. Between our savings and what I’ve saved in beer money I think this should cover it. Am I right?”

  “Yeah, but you don’t have to do this…” But I was so glad he did. I had a silk fetish and loved the feel of satin and silk against my skin. And no one knew that better than James.

  “But I want to, Hope. I want our time to be special when we…you know…”

  My cheeks heated, and I marveled that my husband could still make me blush. “Okay, if you insist.”

  He laughed. Probably because he knew it wouldn’t take much to get me to buckle and shop. But I felt funny having him see my purchases ahead of time. “Do you mind going to the tool department while I blow this cash? I want to surprise you later.”

  “No problem.” Like most men, James could only tolerate being around headless mannequins wearing hottie nighties for mere minutes before he’d go lose himself in a crowd. I remembered the days when we were newly married with fondness. James would cringe whenever I headed toward this section of any department store. Then he’d duck his head if he saw anyone he knew and try to drag me out the door before they saw us.

  My, how times had changed.

  Running my fingers over the costly lingerie, I hunted for my size until I’d accumulated seven new sets of underwear, all sexy, some virtually transparent, and all in different colors. I picked out a few boy shorts to add to my bundle, then purchased a few items in the intimate apparel section.

  When I completed my purchases, I still had seventy bucks left. I found a gorgeous blouse and trendy pair of jeans and brought them to the counter. The clerk handed me less than a dollar in change. James had told me to spend it, so he couldn’t fault me on that. Besides, this might be my last chance to splurge.

  My husband’s normally thrifty nature didn’t allow for many outings with this level of extravagance. And believe me, I felt the love that he’d intended to show. When my husband parted with money for what he normally considered frivolous things, that really meant something.

  Beaming as I clutched my shopping bags, I kissed my husband’s cheek, startling him when I approached him from the side. He’d had his pocket Bible open and was so engrossed in the pages that he hadn’t sensed me near him.

  “What are you reading?”

  “The Psalms. I love the encouraging words.” He closed the little Bible and slid it in his back pocket.

  My eyes followed his movement as he stood. I soaked in the vision of his muscled legs under his dress pants. Either James had lost a few pounds, or he’d been working out. Regardless, I loved what I saw and wanted to say something to him, but refrained.

  Nibbling on my lip to keep from grinning like a silly schoolgirl, I reached for his arm. We walked to the truck, and he opened my door. I climbed inside and he patted me on the behind before I had a chance to sit. The fact that he felt comfortable expressing affection with a friendly, yet intimate touch encouraged me greatly.

  As I adjusted my seatbelt and pulled my hair loose from my jacket, I noted a peculiar expression on my husband’s face. A naughty one.

  He reached for my hair and rubbed the silky strands between his fingers. “I just love touching your hair.”

  Sighing as I absorbed his soft, husky words, I closed my eyes and allowed him to touch my hair, wishing I could feel it like I would if he touched my skin, but enjoying it just the same. I’d take what I could get. After all, James hadn’t done anything this sweet since Jimmy joined our family. At the time, we couldn’t do much more than kiss. Because my body needed to heal from childbirth, he had to get more creative with his affection.

  “I love you.” he whispered, then touched my cheek.

  Opening my eyes, I took in the warm, inviting expression on his face. For once I didn’t cry at the sound of those precious words. “I love you, too.”

  James lowered his lips to mine, and though he didn’t linger, I thought I’d die from the joy flooding my soul. His kiss contained strength and desire. And I’d needed hope—to know he still longed for me, too. I nodded at the bags on my lap. “Thank you—for everything.”

  James nodded, a sly grin forming on his lips, like he was pleased with himself.

  My lips tingled as he started the engine and backed out of the parking space. He pulled on to the main road. I wondered whether he planned to come inside our home, or if he would wait for me in the truck, and I obsessed about it the entire drive.

  What would I do if he came inside? He hadn’t stepped foot in our house since the night of his arrest. Would he resent the memories of that night, or had he truly forgiven me like he’d said? The agony of not knowing was making me crazy.

  Finally, I prayed for the Lord to quiet my mind, Your will be done, Lord.

  Chapter 32

  My heart pounded as I walked toward the front door. James followed me, carrying the gift bags. He’d promised to not peek, so I let him help me.

  I was afraid to say anything about him coming inside, because technically it was still his house. He paid the mortgage. Who was I to challenge his right to enter his own home?

  He surprised me at the door when he touched my arm. “Mind if I come in, Hope? If you do, then I’ll just wait out here until you’re ready to go.”

  My hands trembled just enough to make sliding the key into the lock challenging. I hesitated, not sure what I wanted, yet knowing what I wanted at the same time. But would this be a good time or not? Unable to decide, I bounced the decision back to him. “What do you want?”

  “You,” he whispered.

  Not sure I’d heard him correctly, I asked, “What?”

  “I want to come inside.” He shifted his feet. “Unless you don’t want that.”

  Wondering if he spoke in code, I answered him, a bit breathless when I thought about what could happen. “No, it’s okay. Maybe you can make…lunch…while I change.”

  “Works for me.” He offered a devastatingly handsome smile.

  My pulse tripped. I forced my attention back on the door before it became too obvious what I had on my mind. The key slipped inside and I turned the lock. “There.”

  Opening the door, I stepped to the side as James entered with the bags. I closed the door behind him and checked the clock on the wall.

  A little over two hours until we had to be in court. There was a lot we could do in two hours, I thought wryly as I followed him into our bedroom.

  I peered at James as he set the bags down and wondered what went through his mind.

  Stuffing his hands in the front pockets of his dress slacks, he said, “You go ahead and change. I’ll whip up some grub for us.”

  “All right.”

  The moment my husband left the room I started peeling through the closets. I snatched up a tiny pair of shears and snipped off the tags as I admired each item.

  Stepping out of my current underwear, I paused, then wadded them up
and tossed them into the bathroom trash along with my worn-out bra. Scanning my underclothes drawer, I yanked out numerous items that were either faded, stretched out, or slightly torn. I even pulled out the lone bra and underwear set that I usually wore when I met Tony. I threw them away even though they were still in good shape. I needed to cut all ties to the affair, and I figured tossing those was the perfect place to start.

  Once I finished that task, I tried on some of my new items and examined myself in the mirror. The few pounds I’d lost made a big difference in how good I looked in my new boy shorts. And I liked that. A lot.

  I’d always wanted to try out that style and see how well they fit, but never got around to it. With a grin, I acknowledged that James would find them incredibly sexy.

  Touching up my makeup in the mirror, I sighed. But no matter how sexy I looked, until James was ready to be intimate with me, none of that mattered. I didn’t want to manipulate him in any way, so I reached for my new blouse, slipped it on, and buttoned up the front.

  “Hope, are you ready to—” his strong voice weakened and he sounded a bit breathless as he scanned my bare legs “eat…now?”

  His hungry eyes told me he had a whole different idea in mind. Though I loved watching him devour me with his gaze, I didn’t want to rush things, so I reached for my trendy stretch jeans.

  “Don’t.” His eyes fixed on me, he stepped inside our bedroom. “Let me look at you.”

  Goose bumps pricked my arms as I let him roam over me with his gaze. Stepping closer, he touched the top of my shirt and worked on the first button.

  Parts of me throbbed with delight at the thought of what he was about to do. My eyes lowered and I watched his hand work every button until he arrived at the last one.

  He gently removed my blouse and admired my new black lace bra and boy shorts that his money had purchased less than an hour ago.

  My body tensed, but it was a pleasurable feeling and I relished it. His hands dropped to his sides as he took every inch of me in. I couldn’t help noticing that his pants seemed stretched to the limit right by his zipper. My mind reeled with the implications, and my breathing deepened as every sensory neuron I possessed clicked on.