Falling Awake

by T. A Richards Neville

“Maybe they’re not wrong. Maybe your exactly who they think you are, only you don’t know it yet.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” I said. “There’s no such thing as magic. Are you seriously suggesting I might actually have some kind of power?”

  “That’s exactly what I’m suggesting. After everything I’ve told you, and everything you’ve seen since you’ve known me, are you really finding this that hard to believe?” He gripped my hands in his determination to make me listen.

  “It’s just…it sounds so unbelievable, and I know myself. I’m so ordinary I blend into the landscape.” It was meant as a joke but he didn’t laugh.

  “You’re more special than you think. That first time I saw you, I felt it. I didn’t need Leah to confirm it.”

  “I’m not that special.”

  “I think I could fall in love with you if it was allowed.” His words and the force of them struck me hard.

  “And I think I could really hate you if you keep saying things like that,” I shot back, meaning every word of it. He was playing with me.

  “I’m here to protect you, that’s all. Anything else won’t go un-noticed or unpunished. I’m already putting one mistake right. I can’t afford to make others.”

  Did he really just refer to me as a mistake? I was suddenly rankled by this and adrenaline cursed through me like an electrical current.

  “If you’ve suffered so long without me like you say, then why are you letting any excuse stop you from being with me? Don’t you want me now, is that it?” My loud voice disturbed the calm atmosphere, but I didn’t care, and birds flocked from the water in fear.

  “I can’t be with you.”

  “So you keep saying. I need more than that; I need some kind of explanation. You say you could fall in love with me, but forgive me if I don’t quite believe you.”

  His pulled his eyebrows into a deep frown. “Don’t say that.”

  “Then tell me the truth!”

  “I can’t risk heaven taking you away.”

  “What?” I jerked backwards.

  “I won’t let them take you away. I know I will be punished in the worst way for my betrayal, and the worst punishment I can think of, is something happening to you. Nothing would hurt me more. So I won’t risk you. This is my chance at redemption. To finally put things right, and nobody- not even you, is getting in the way of that.”

  “So this is about making you feel better about yourself?” I’d crossed over to just being a plain old bitch, but I couldn’t bear to listen to this. How could I settle for friends, especially after what I knew now? We were meant to be as far as I was concerned. We were soul mates, in this life and any other.

  “Are you even listening? I care about you so much, that no matter how hard it is, or how much it kills me to let you go- I have to, otherwise… well I don’t want to think about that.”

  “But you don’t even know if that will ever happen. You were punished enough when the angels ripped your wings out,” I argued, becoming desperate.

  “Yeah well, I can’t chance it. I would need a guarantee. I won’t push them by giving into what I want, not after all this time.”

  “And you need your wings,” I said, forgetting momentarily that he would be leaving me eventually.

  “It’s for the best.” He sounded disheartened, and more like he was just giving up.

  “Best for who?”

  “For both of us. You get to live the life you were supposed to live, and I can go back where I belong. Where I should have never pursued you in the first place. Should never have interfered.”

  “So how can any of this be fate, when you finally have me right here, right now, in front of you, and you don’t want me?” I bit back a wave of tears that flooded to the surface, rimming my eyes threatening to spill over at any moment. “Do you regret meeting me?”

  “Don’t be stupid.”

  “Then why are you really doing this huh? To punish yourself, is that it? Fight for me god dammit. Don’t you see you’re punishing me as well as you?” I crumpled, finally giving way to the tears. My body racked with sobs as I sat there with him slipping through my fingers willingly.

  “Isn’t it better to love and lose than to just give up the way you are?” I cried.

  “No, I won’t lose you.”

  The water broke suddenly beside us, and I looked up at a giant black and white oil slicked head, that reared up plunging us under an enormous shadow. I jumped up shaking, and ran into Caleb’s arms. The boat rocked below me as I manoeuvred myself clumsily, and I dumped myself down onto his knee unceremoniously, burying my face into his neck.

  “Pria, it’s okay. It’s an Orca,” he said, pulling his head away from me.

  “Look, you’re missing it.” I was shaking uncontrollably. My heart beating double time at the biggest fright I had ever experienced in my life. I grudgingly lifted my head. The colossal mammoth swam further from the boat, only its back and fin showing above the water. “It’s huge,” I whispered. “Will it hurt us?”

  “No,” he said. “It won’t hurt you. Just be calm.”

  The creature turned, leaving a trail in the water, and came back over towards the boat. I reeled back and Caleb held me tighter, his fingers pressing into my skin. I clamped my eyes shut tightly, scared to death. Surely, it was going to bring its ginormous body crashing down onto the boat.

  “Open your eyes.”

  “No. I can’t look.”

  “Open your eyes,” he demanded.

  I slowly prized one eye open just as it swam out deeper into the water, then thrust itself back up before arching its body and plunging back into the water, sending up a great big wave that sloshed over into the boat. I laughed in disbelief at what I was seeing.

  “That’s amazing,” I said, watching in wonderment as it swam off, water shooting from its blowhole. The extraordinary length of its back was still visible on the surface of the water.

  “I’ve never seen anything like that.” I wiped the wetness of my tears from my eyes. My body still shook from fear, but I felt exhilarated. I wanted to see that all over again. But this time without cowering away. I turned my body towards Caleb. “Can you believe that just happened?” I asked excitedly, with a tremor in my voice from my shuddering body.

  “I can believe it,” he said, running his hand through my hair.

  “I’ve never been whale watching,” I confessed. Even though I have lived with the opportunity on my doorstep my whole life.

  “I know.”

  “Thank you,” I said, and he angled my face towards his and kissed me carefully as I held onto him, my arms wrapped around his neck. He bit down on my lip teasingly, sending a shiver down my spine.

  I wanted to be able to kiss him like this for the rest of my life. How could I not have this forever? I needed it, I needed him. He was part of me now. For him to leave would be unthinkable, and unbearable. And so I wouldn’t think, I would just be here, right now with him, and I would kiss him like it was the last time.

  My Angel

  Monday morning I woke up for school feeling like an entirely different person. I knew a part of Caleb’s past. Not all of it, but a pretty huge part, and I was thankful he’d given me that much. Caleb’s stubbornness was irretrievable, and I would have to learn to live with it for as long as I had him. He wasn’t changing his mind about us so I would take whatever he would allow me to. A life without him was incomparable to a life that offered even just the promise of his presence.

  I took longer than normal choosing my outfit for school, conscious of the fact that I might see him. I picked out a white denim mini skirt, and a coral short-sleeved tee with white lace flats. I washed and blow-dried my hair so it looked fresh and bouncy, then put on some mascara and blusher.

  Pleased with how I looked, I grabbed my school bag and before leaving, I slid my fingers over the dream catcher that now hung over my bed. The silky blue feathers swung side to side under my touch, and I smiled at the thought that my mom had touched those exac
t same feathers once upon a time.

  I went to my dad’s room next, knocking softly on the bedroom door. The house was as it should be. Gracey and my dad put everything back in its place, and thrown away anything that wasn’t salvageable.

  It had taken them the rest of the night, and most of Sunday, so I would be surprised if he was actually awake. When there was no answer, I pushed the door open quietly, and tiptoed into the room over to his bed.

  He and Gracey lay next to each other sleeping. Her with her back to him. He shifted slightly, and turned in my direction, his tired face creased full of sleep.

  “Oh, morning Pria,” he said groggily, squinting through heavy eyelids.

  “Sshh.” I put my finger to my lips, pointing at Gracey. “I’m going to school,” I whispered. “I don’t need a ride. Caleb’s picking me up.”

  That wasn’t true. I was walking on my own. My car was in my dad’s garage waiting to be fixed, but I didn’t want him to freak out and waste his time driving me. “Go back to sleep,” I said, then left the room before my dad could offer up any kind of explanation for Gracey being there.

  It really didn’t bother me. I was happy for them, and with Gracey around it would give my dad less time to worry about me.

  I took a granola bar from the cupboard and shoved it into my bag, leaving the house and locking up behind me. A car pulled up sounding its horn, and I turned around to Drake’s Orange Pontiac shimmering under the hot sun.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, walking over to the car as Mellissa let the window down.

  “Get in,” she said. “Drake’s taking us to school.”

  I called her last night, and told her what happened to the house and car. I explained it away as a random break in, except with nothing much taken. She couldn’t believe something like that could happen in a boring, predictable place like Friday Harbor, and I felt bad for lying to her.

  “Okay thanks,” I said, getting in the back.

  “Hi Drake.” He looked at me through the rear view mirror. “Hey Pria. You okay?”

  “I’m good thanks.” I hadn’t seen him since Friday night at Old Finton’s Barn, so I had no idea what they’d done with the body and the van, but I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about any part of that night.

  Caleb and Drake had killed someone. How many times between them, had they done that before? I shuddered at the thought. It was a lot according to Caleb. More or less apart of their life. Isn’t that something Mellissa should know? That her boyfriend is capable of killing. No. Then she would find out why, and she couldn’t know anything at all according to Caleb. It wasn’t safe for her or anyone else.

  It was probably because he didn’t trust her to keep his secret, but she was my best friend. I trusted her, maybe I should tell her. It was Drake’s secret as well though, so if anyone told her anything, it should be him I figured.

  Mellissa chatted away throughout the drive to school, which kept her fully distracted from the intense looks Drake kept throwing me.

  When we got to homeroom, I was shocked but pleased to see Caleb already there, but still sitting next to Tamara unfortunately. She sat twisting her hair around her finger as she spoke to him with a flirtatious smile on her face that seemed to wipe clean off as I walked into the room. He turned his body towards me as I sat down at the table next to him, and I swapped seats with Mellissa so I was closer to him.

  “Hey,” he said smiling at me. “Mellissa.” He gave her a nod of the head

  “Caleb,” she said curtly, more bothered about getting her phone out, probably to text Drake. They spent so much time together; it astounded me how much they still found to talk about in-between.

  Drake wasn’t exactly the chatty type, so I guessed Mellissa must fill most of the blanks, leaving him just enough room to provide a few answers, which would suit both of them just fine.

  “How are you today?” he asked me.

  “I’m happy you’re here,” I said, unable to help but smile. He looked amazing as always with zero effort, wearing a white Armani t-shirt, and dark blue jeans. He was too good looking to be in this school.

  He leaned in closer to me so only I could hear him. The scent of him was intoxicating, he smelled of masculine soap, mint, and fresh air. “I need to be as near to you as possible from now on.”

  “You do?” I said, becoming a tiny bit breathless.

  “Yes, anything could happen at any time, and we need to be ready. I need to be with you whenever I can.”

  His words were like a massive slap in the face back to reality, and I could feel the surge of adrenaline practically deflating.

  “Right,” I said, disappointed that was the only reason why. So much for all the attention to detail getting dressed this morning. Sometimes I doubted whether he even saw me at all.

  Normally I only share math and homeroom with Caleb, but today he was in nearly all of my classes. Apart from gym, which I had before lunch, and I was more than pleased about. Watching me attempting to play soccer was not something I wanted him to see any time soon.

  We sat side by side at a desk in the last class of the day, Religious Studies as Mr Kelly re-acquainted us with the topic of angels.

  Caleb shot me a suggestive glance while he rambled on about Lucifer’s descent into hell that was brought on by his own traitorous actions of trying to overtake God.

  “Did you know Lucifer?” I asked Caleb jokingly.

  “I did.”

  “I was kidding.”

  “I’m not.”

  I wasn’t sure I would ever grasp the idea of Caleb being an angel, it all still felt so surreal.

  “Is he as bad as they say?” I asked, now full of curiosity about something I had lived my whole life believing was nothing more than a myth.

  “He wasn’t always, no. He used to be one of the top ranking arch angels, but he wanted to be God rather than take orders from him, and well you already know the rest.”

  “I can’t believe it’s all true,” I said disbelievingly.

  “Caleb.” Mr Kelly called over, dragging us back into the room.

  “Yes sir,” Caleb said, watching Mr Kelly stride over to our desk purposefully. He crouched down on his heels with one arm resting on the desk for support.

  “Will you be joining us on the trip to Paris?” A broad smile lit up his face. “Its next week and I need parental consent, and final numbers. I hope you will be coming along,” he said optimistically.

  “Sir, I think I’m out on that one. Paris isn’t really my thing.”

  “You’ve been to Paris?”

  “More than once.”

  “You don’t say.” Mr Kelly looked impressed, and I knew this only made him want Caleb on the trip even more.

  “I’m sure Pria would love it if you could come. You two seem to be getting on so well.” He winked at me and I shrunk into my chair. Did he think he was doing me a favour here?

  “I’m sure she would.” Caleb gave me a lazy once over. A destructive smile playing on his lips.

  “And as much as I would love to get Pria alone in the city of love. It’s just not happening. Count me out.” Mr Kelly cleared his throat uncomfortably.

  “Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind? I would love to have someone who knows the city as well as you, helping tutor the other students.” Caleb had just gone up about fifty notches in Mr Kelly’s book.

  “I don’t think so.” Caleb half smiled, but I could tell he wasn’t budging on this one. Mr Kelly sighed in defeat.

  “Right. Another time then maybe.” And he got up and walked back to the front of the class. I turned to Caleb and looked him up and down. Originally I hadn’t even wanted him there, but now I was disappointed he wasn’t going. I had just assumed he would be there because I was going, and I felt instantly silly.

  “Are you looking at my body?” he said, with a wicked glint in his eye, the light sparking off them making the green illuminated and crystal like.

  “I c
an’t say I’ve ever noticed it,” I lied, and turned my attention to where Mr Kelly was now telling us about how the fallen would never be offered the chance of redemption, and be welcomed back into heaven.

  I thought of Caleb and how he was being given that exact opportunity, and wished the teacher’s words were actually true. I hated that he would openly flirt with me and make my heart race with the bat of an eyelash, then just drop me like it was all a massive joke that I hadn’t been let in on.

  How much longer could I put myself through this? All the ups and downs were making me sick to my stomach. I had everything Caleb told me filed away in a large box in my head in no necessary order, waiting to be sorted, and processed, but I’d found no time to do that.

  I couldn’t get past the hurt and longing over him to do it. All of the momentous things I’d been awakened to, and yet, they all seemed so tiny in comparison to the relationship I could never have looming over me, clouding my thought, and vision.

  I was trying my hardest, but I couldn’t see how I could ever be okay with what Caleb was asking from me. Friends felt like an impossibility, a lie. I was going from one extreme emotion to the next.

  I considered that maybe Caleb was right. How were we ever going to get through all of this, if I couldn’t even get past him?

  “Pria.” I turned to face Caleb as everyone was beginning to stand up and pile out of the classroom.

  “Class is over,” he said. “Is everything okay? You look like you’ve got the weight of the world on you.”

  “Haven’t I?” I said not unkindly, getting up, and I walked out.

  ***

  “So, Jet’s tonight?” Mellissa asked me. I stared absent-mindedly out of Drake’s car window as he drove down the empty street to my house.

  My Fiat 500 was back in the drive. The roof was down so I couldn’t see if it was still in tatters, but the rest of the car looked a lot better than it did last time I seen it.

  “Pria,” Mellissa said again, her voice raising an octave.

  “Yes. Jets tonight. Sound’s good,” I told her, my spirits lifting slightly at the sight of my car.