George Washington Zombie Slayer

by Wiles, David

  When the British troops arrived in the tiny hamlet of Lexington, on route to Concord, they were expected. Residents had been warned some hours earlier and the local militiamen had assumed formation in the center of town. British officers were aghast to find a few dozen of the local farmers, blacksmiths and other townsmen in defiant formation upon the King’s Green, and with loaded muskets in hand.

  Hundreds and hundreds of British troops rode into Lexington and were formed in line of battle. A British officer rode forward and gave the Colonial militia an order to “disperse from the King’s Green.” This order was ignored.

  The British officers were initially going to send forward a few of their best troops and simply disperse the Colonials by point of the bayonet. But one sly British officer, his name lost to history, said “I have a better idea. Let’s scare the shiot out of these buggers,” and he called forth a hundred of his zombie soldiers.

  The men of the Lexington militia were at first filled with unease at the sight of these horrific, pale monsters in British uniforms being guided by bugle call and formed up in line of battle against them. But when the bugle blew to sound the advance, the men of the militia began to panic more with each passing step the zombies took forward.

  Although clad in British uniforms, the faces of the zombie soldiers were as dead men, swollen, bleeding, pale and inhuman. To these simple militiamen, who had never seen a zombie before, it was as if Satan himself had guided these undead soldiers against them. Panic ensued.

  While some of the militiamen ran, others leveled their muskets and fired into the approaching zombie soldiers, to no effect. The zombies continued to advance.

  Though many soldiers escaped, several of the Lexington militiamen were overrun by zombies, eaten and nearly entirely devoured. They would not become zombies themselves, for there was not enough of them left to be transformed.

  Adding to the chaos, after seeing the Colonial militiamen firing upon their zombie kinsmen, the second, reserve row of living British Redcoat soldiers opened fire, without orders to do so, upon the remaining Lexington militiamen, shooting and killing several more of them.

  Finally, amid this zombie and Redcoat killing spree, the British officers gave the bugle call for the zombies to “fall back,” but several of the undead were in a “feeding frenzy,” and would not withdraw until they had finished feeding.

  After a few moments, the officers regained full control, and the British soldiers and their zombie compatriots had uncontested possession of bloody Lexington Green. This first combat of the Revolutionary War was a victory for the British soldiers, both living and dead.

  The British troops were all reformed in line of march amid the screams and cries of the women and children of Lexington. They marched off victorious, to the sound of the drum and the fife, towards Concord.

  Chapter 38

  Washington Prepares for Command

  George Washington sat in his favorite Lazy Boy recliner in the parlor of his home at Mount Vernon and continued reading aloud to his wife Martha a letter he had just received from Paul Revere, which detailed the recent conflict at Lexington and Concord. He continued reading page two to her.

  “ …Yes, my dear friend George, the conflict at Lexington was murderous, as I have said, and more skirmishes would follow, at the North Bridge, and thereafter yet again. Fie, how I wish I would have been able to fight, but exhausted was I after my midnight ride of nearly fifty miles, in my forlorn hope to warn our brother patriots.

  We had the last laugh on these British fucks though, for, when arriving in Concord, they found that all the muskets and shot and powder had been carried away to parts unknown, and their march had been for nothing. And even worse, they would have to march back to Boston the same way they had come, through the lands and townships of the people they had murderously fucked with. Once blood had been drawn, we had but one thought:

  It’s on now, baby!”

  “Your friend, Mr. Revere, writes with skill and drama,” Martha said to George. “I almost feel as if I am there in Boston.”

  “Indeed, so,” George replied. “I continue…”

  “The lobsterbacks march back to Boston was a costly one! Our countrymen, stirred and angered over the patriot blood spilled, were determined to make the Redcoats pay with blood of their own. And throughout the march, Minutemen snipers and marksmen picked off the British Redcoats, one at a time. First by the tens and then over a hundred! From the trees and bushes and fields of our homes, we made them paint the road to Boston red with their blood!

  But alas, I fear the coming storm. I fear the staggering might of the British military as we know they are ruthless cocksuckers. I believe we shall all rely much upon you, my friend.

  I look forward to seeing you at the Second Continental Congress in May.

  Your friend, Pauly

  Washington folded the letter and looked at his wife and could see a tear streaming down her cheek. She looked away when he noticed, and he stood from his recliner, walked over to her, and placed a gentle finger upon her cheek to brush it away.

  “What’s this?” Washington asked his wife.

  “Oh, George,” Martha replied. “I am afrighted!”

  “How so?” George replied.

  “I have always known that this is the moment you were born for,” Martha replied. “I have always known that you are the one man that America needs to bring true freedom to our nation! But after Patsy’s death, I am so scared of losing you!”

  “You’re not going to lose me,” George stated.

  Martha stood up and turned away from him, and shivered. George stood beside her and, wrapping his strong arm around her, hugged her tightly. There was a knock at the parlor door and George called out for the knocker to enter.

  “Sir,” Reebock said, “shall I pack your military uniform for our trip to Philadelphia?”

  Martha began crying upon hearing the question and she ran from the room.

  “I’m sorry, Sir, if I upset Miss Martha,” Reebock said.

  “It’s all right,” Washington replied. “She is just sad to see me leave.” George Washington stood tall and walked over to his slave and friend Reebok.

  “Yes,” George Washington said firmly. “Pack my military uniform.”

  Chapter 39

  Washington Takes Command

  George Washington and his slave Reebock made the trip together by horse to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to attend the Second Continental Congress in May of 1775. By rights, the gathering was really an extension of the First Congress, and nearly all of the previous delegates were there. There were also two new delegates present, including Washington’s old friend Benjamin Franklin and another Washington acquaintance named John Hancock.

  At age thirty seven, Hancock was a successful merchant and businessmen and was one of the wealthiest men in Boston. He was well respected as an importer and exporter, although he may also have been something of a smuggler, sometimes running afoul of the British in efforts to avoid paying taxes, fees and duties. Distinguished in bearing, he perhaps may have considered himself the best candidate to lead the soon-to-be –created Continental army.

  But any thought of “General” John Hancock vanished when George Washington presented himself before the delegates of the Second Continental Congress. Arriving in his own custom made, red, white and blue military uniform, George Washington was an impressive sight to behold. At over six feet in height, he towered over most of the other delegates. He wore his blinged-out gold dentures and carried a highly polished ceremonial sword upon his belt. Poised, distinguished, wealthy and impressive, this Virginia farmer looked every inch the part of a military General.

  George Washington was chosen by unanimous consent of the Second Continental Congress to be the commander-in-chief of the Continental Army which, at that point, did not yet exist. The Congress was now in uncharted territory, especially because it lacked the legal authority do many of the things it was about to do. The Continental Congress created currency, app
ointed diplomats and established a national army for Washington to command. Although it lacked the power to tax anyone, the Congress appealed the individual colonies for both soldiers and financial assistance.

  Thus, the Continental Army was born, with George Washington as its Commander, ready to battle for the freedom of the American continent.

  This Congress did make one last ditch effort at peace with Britain, sending an “Olive Branch” proposal which George the Third would not even accept or examine. Instead, the English King declared the Colonies to be in a state of rebellion, and took the step of hiring Hessian soldiers to augment British and zombie forces and help to quell this American Revolution.

  Hessians were German soldiers, mercenaries really, hired by the British to fight in America, as the British found it exceedingly difficult to find British citizenry who were willing to partake in the battle to sustain immoral British overseas colonial expansionism.

  The Hessians were well trained, hard-drinking, somewhat smelly, generally unruly, and noted for toughness in battle, generally poor hygiene and bad breath. They were motivated to fight by the monthly pay they received from the British, as well as by promises of land grants and war spoils like gold, silver and the occasional rape. In 1775, it was good to be a Hessian.

  Sadly for King George III, the use of these Hessians likely swayed many British loyalists in the Colonies to support the American Revolt. Even the most conservative of loyalists were personally insulted that the English Monarch would attack Americans with boatloads of drunk, stinky Germans. Fighting the British soldiers was bad, and fighting zombies was even worse. But fighting Germans was the last straw and simply intolerable!

  On the American continent, the call went out for volunteers for the Continental Army, and young men came from far and wide to train and fight with George Washington. They came by the hundreds, and then by the thousands, eager to fight for freedom and glory. Printed signs and placards were hung in every town and village in the Thirteen Colonies.

  *** Gen. Washington’s 1775 Call For ***

  SOLDIERS in the CONTINENTAL ARMY!

  (God-fearing, WHITE males ONLY Please).

  When George Washington’s slave Reebock saw the printed broadside asking for only white volunteers to be soldiers, he was furious, and fearlessly directed his anger at his legal owner, George Washington. Reebock found Washington alone in his study in the Philadelphia home in which he was staying, reading his mail.

  “You are a fucking asshole, mon!” Reebock howled at his master. “Asshole, Asshole, Asshole, Asshole!’

  “Excuse me?” Washington replied, somewhat angrily.

  “Asshole!” Reebock repeated yet again.

  “What is your problem?” George Washington asked.

  “Didja SEE the recruitment posters?” Reebock asked, still outraged.

  “Why yes, I did,” Washington replied. “Aren’t they lovely?”

  “Yeah, dey LOVELY, mon” Reebock replied. “Except you’re askin’ for WHITES ONLY!”

  “Well, duh,” Washington replied. “We can’t very well arm the blacks as soldiers!”

  “Yeah,” Reebock shot back. “And why not?”

  “Well, they’re not used to firing muskets, for one thing.”

  “I know how to fire a musket,” Reebock replied.

  “Well, you,” Washington said, “of course YOU know how, but your average black can’t--“

  “If I can learn,” Reebock replied, “den THEY can learn, mon!” Reebock’s voice started to show traces of his childhood Jamaican accent, as often happened when he was angry.

  Washington sat in stunned silence for a moment, unable to think of an appropriate reply. Then he said the best reason he could think of.

  “Well, blacks aren’t FREE to fight,” George Washington said.

  Reebock actually laughed when Washington said this, laughed at the hypocrisy and the ignorance that his “owner” could not yet discover in himself.

  “The only reason that blacks ain’t free is ‘cause you all plucked us up from where we was and chained us here so we couldn’t leave!” Reebock said.

  “Well… there is some…um… truth in that.”

  “You say that YOU”RE fighting to become free?” Reebock continued. “You can do the same for us.”

  “In what way?” Washington asked.

  “Let us blacks fight this war with you, mon” Reebock said. “Let us fight alongside you. And if we fight, and we live…den set us free. FREE! ”

  “Ha-haha,” Washington laughed, finding humor in the proposal.

  “I ain’t fucking jokin’, mon!” Reebock shouted.

  George Washington was speechless. He knew his slave would have been really, really angry if he had seen Washington’s previous day’s order instructing army recruiters to disallow soldiers who were “elderly, infirm, negroes or vagabonds.”

  “Give me,” Reebock said, “No…give US all, da chance to fight for our OWN freedom. Just like YOU.”

  Washington thought long and hard for a moment. He had no intention whatsoever of allowing blacks to fight as soldiers, but had no moral or ethical reason for disallowing Reebock’s proposal. Plus, he didn’t want to piss his slave off any further. He decided he needed to stall.

  “Give me a few days,” Washington said at last, “to contemplate the proposal to let slaves join the Continental Army and fight for their freedom.”

  Reebok spun about and left in a huff, still angry over the exclusion of his race. Washington went back to work reading his collected mail.

  Chapter 40

  George Washington Contemplates the Proposal

  to Let Slaves Join the Continental Army

  In the Year of Our Lord 1775, the slave population of the American Colonies was over half a million. At the time, that was a really big number. While some northern colonies still had the isolated pockets of slaves here and there, the largest concentrated percentage of slaves lived within the southern colonies.

  White slave owners were always concerned about slaves rising up and violently fighting for their freedom. So the idea of arming slaves to fight as soldiers in the Revolutionary War was not one which was lovingly embraced by southerners in general.

  It was really a matter of population distribution. In the Virginia Colony, it is likely that there were slightly more slave blacks than free whites. This was so in many places. In South Carolina, slaves surely outnumbered free whites by nearly two to one. Thus, South Carolina whites were, in actuality, the minority populace.

  The myth of the “happy plantation slave” who loved his master and found joy in his daily toil was, in point of fact, absolute bullshit. This being the case, powerful, wealthy, white slaveholders who made a good living from the sweat of the black brow were reluctant to arm their slaves with projectile weaponry which, in the very near future, they might find stuck up their own asses during rebellious slave uprisings.

  White fear of armed blacks in 1775 was both prudent and sensible and slave owners, like George Washington, were just looking after their own best interests.

  These were some of the thoughts going through George Washington’s mind as he sat this day in a Philadelphia parlor, reading his mail. But his view on the matter was about to change after reading a letter from friend Henry Lee which mentioned British Lord Dunmore.

  Lord Dunmore, also called the Fourth Earl of Dunmore, was formerly a Scottish Representative in the British House of Lords and now served officially as the “Governor of New York, Virginia, the Bahamas, and the seedier regions of New Jersey.” Dunmore was a true and loyal British aristocrat, meaning that he was a selfish hypocrite and cocksucker. But one thing he was not was racist against blacks.

  Remember that your typical British aristocrat in 1775 thought himself better than everyone else in the entire world. In consequence, they looked down upon all other races and cultures with equal disdain. The black was no better or worse than an Irishman or an Asian or a white Colonial American. All were regarded as inferior.
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br />   Lord Dunmore was a visionary and quickly formed a unique plan at the start of hostilities during the Revolutionary War. He decided to arm blacks and enlist them as soldiers and Redcoats in the British Army. Even slaves were welcome to join, being given the added incentive of guaranteed freedom at the end of the conflict.

  Before long, Dunmore would have hundreds of blacks serving as Redcoats. They were quickly armed and trained and seemed to make exceptional soldiers. As a group, they were eventually given the formal title of Lord Dunmore’s Ethiopian Regiment.

  Washington’s friend Henry Lee got wind of Dunmore’s plan, and fired off a short, urgent letter advising of this.

  “My Dear General Washington-

  Our gravest fears have been realized. That cocksucker British Governor Dunmore has indeed authorized and approved the use of negro volunteers to serve as redcoat soldieres. They are given a promise of freedom and a gun and an opportunity to kill white people. Very bad for us. This will almost certainly swell the ranks of British soldieres who fight against us, unless we do the same and recruit black soldiers into our own ranks. Please advise.

  Your friend, Hank

  “”Oh, fuck me!” Washington said after reading the letter. He fired off an urgent and immediate reply to Lee.

  “My Dearest Hank-

  Oh, Shit! Well, go ahead and start arming our blacks as well, but enlist only the respectable ones. And for God’s sake, please leave out the thugs and gang bangers. I fear that the winning side in the present conflict will be the side that arms its own blacks the fastest!