George Washington Zombie Slayer

by Wiles, David

  Sincerely, Gen. Geo. Wash-“

  Thus, history was made and slave blacks were encouraged by both sides to become fighting troops in the Revolutionary War on the American continent.

  Washington summoned his slave Reebock and had him admitted to the parlor. Washington stood and approached his slave and looked him directly in the eye.

  “Your argument has swayed me,” Washington said. “I have decided to allow blacks to join the ranks of the Continental Army.”

  “You won’t be sorry,” Reebock replied with a huge smile. “We will be good soldiers.”

  “We?” Washington asked.

  “Well,” Reebock continued, “I hope this don’t piss you off too much…but I’d like to join the army!”

  Washington frowned harshly to feign displeasure and Reebock lost his smile and cast his eyes downward in disappointment.

  “Aww, Im just fuckin’ with ya!” Washington said, causing Reebock to regain his smile. Washington reached back onto his desk and grabbed a large, wrapped brown package, which he handed to his slave. “This is for you,” Washington said.

  “A gift?” Reebock asked.

  “More of a …responsibility,” Washington replied.

  Reebock quickly tore open the wrapping paper and saw in the package a beautiful, pressed, red-white and blue uniform in his own size.

  “Oh, MON!” Reebock said as he admired the uniform with reverence.

  “I am appointing you my aide-de-camp,” Washington said. “You will serve as my aide and secretary and assistant and messenger throughout the upcoming war.”

  “Yes, SIR,” Reebock replied while giving Washington a rather sloppy, palm-front, British- style salute.

  “We’ll have to work on that salute,” Washington noted. “But we have no time now. We must be off.”

  “Where are we heading?” Reebock asked.

  “We’re heading to Boston,” Washington replied. “To a place called Bunker Hill.”

  Chapter 41

  Washington at Bunker Hill

  Most historians would say that George Washington was not present at the Battle of Bunker Hill. But it would be more properly said that most historians are not aware that Washington was present at the Battle of Bunker Hill. Though he did not actively participate or take part in the battle directly, his presence there gave Washington his first observation of British tactics during the Revolutionary War.

  Washington had good intelligence reports from the Boston area and had been informed that the British had set up a small “zombie making” camp on a hill they had named Breed’s Hill, so called because it was used for the breeding and creation of zombies. Washington sent orders ahead that Colonial troops were to seize, fortify and hold Breed’s Hill. He also ordered the taking of the nearby Bunker Hill, named after the first pioneers who settled there, the Reverend Archibald Bunker and his wife Edith.

  Washington had only sent one standing order to Boston, advising the officers to:

  “Have our troops aim high, at the head of the enemy, and don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”

  Before Washington arrived, Colonial troops easily took these elevated and lightly defended hills, imprisoned the British “advisers” who were there to make more zombies, and burned the scaffolds and barracks used to create and house the zombie soldiers. The Colonial troops then fortified the elevated, hilltop positions while catching the attention of the British troops and officers who occupied the town of Boston down below.

  British troops were immediately mobilized to dislodge the Colonial troops who occupied the high ground on Breed’s Hill. Although the British had an ample supply of zombie soldiers, it was thought that they were not needed. Surely, a thousand regular, trained Redcoats would be able to dislodge this untrained, Colonial rabble.

  At about 3pm on June 17, 1775, British General Howe ordered over a thousand of his troops forward in an advance on the fortified Colonial positions on Breed’s Hill and Bunker Hill. What would later be known as the Battle of Bunker Hill had begun.

  George Washington was just this day secretly brought by boat into Boston with his slave Reebock and his son John-Poopy, who also served as Washington’s aide-de-camp. But they soon found themselves somewhat helpless, hiding and trapped in the British occupied city. With the hustle and bustle of mobilized British regiments on the march towards Bunker Hill, Washington was powerless to join up with Colonial forces. He could only watch as the battle took place.

  Wishing a better vantage point, Washington and his slave and son went to the Old North Church, climbed to the highest interior level, and then ascended the steeple as high as they were able. From this point, a clear view of the Battle of Bunker Hill could be afforded.

  “Look there,” Washington said to Reebock. “They’re marching regular Redcoats straight on against Colonial entrenchments!”

  Sure enough, from three sides of Breed’s Hill, Redcoat soldiers began the march up the hillside towards the fortified Colonial breastworks. But when the British approached the entrenched positions, the Colonial defenders let loose with a murderous fire of musketry at close range, cutting down scores of British soldiers and officers, and repulsing the attack.

  “Fucktards!” Washington said as he watched the slaughter. “The British just keep coming straight ahead.”

  For wave after wave of attack, Washington watched as the British kept coming up Breed’s Hill, and again and again were repulsed by the Colonial defenders. For over an hour they ascended, in perfect line of battle, only to be repulsed. Soon hundreds of British lay dead or wounded upon the bloody hillside.

  Just then, a small party of British officers, Cornwallis and some lieutenants arrived at the Old North Church with the same intent as Washington, to secure a clear position from which to watch the battle.

  Washington’s son Johnny, often called Poopy, already affrighted by the great height of the steeple on which they stood, was now newly frightened by the approach of the British officers and crapped himself immensely, a habit which he still maintained even into young adulthood.

  The Cornwallis party stepped into the church with telescopic spyglasses in hand and began to ascend the stairs with a burly young officer in the lead.

  “Stand clear you lot up there and descend,” the burly officer shouted up to the unrecognized Washington. “Make way for your betters.”

  “I’m sorry,” Washington shouted down, recognizing Cornwallis and his entourage while hiding his own face from view. “The belfry cleaner has taken ill and shat himself rather severely up here. You may wish to come back later.”

  As they continued to climb the stairs, Cornwallis and his aides now sniffed the pungent and overpowering aroma of Poopy’s vile, stinking shit wafting down from above.

  “Lord Jesus fucking Christ,” Cornwallis shouted from below while breathing the foul stench. “Did that fucking idiot eat a basket full of spoiled burritos before he crapped himself?”

  “As I said,” Washington repeated. “You may wish to come back later after he’s cleaned himself up a bit.”

  “Well I should think so,” Cornwallis said as he turned around to leave the Old North Church. “The Colonials are such stinking rabble! We’ll find another place from which to watch.”

  And so it was that Cornwallis and his officers rode off, saving George Washington from arrest and possible execution, all because of Poopy Washington’s irritable bowel syndrome.

  “You have made me proud, my son,” Washington said while patting John upon the back. For once, your uncontrolled crapping has saved us. Now please, for fuck sake, go downstairs and clean up.”

  George and Reebock continued to watch the Battle of Bunker Hill from atop the Old North Church while Poopy cleaned himself off downstairs. The fighting had gone on for nearly two full hours, and Washington could see that the pace of firing on the Colonial lines had slackened. He surmised, quite correctly, the Colonial forces were running out of ammunition during this prolonged skirmish, now nearly three hours old.r />
  Washington heard the familiar British zombie bugle calls and could see the zombie forces now being arranged into line of battle. Perhaps 500 zombies moved forward and advanced upon Breed’s Hill. The musket fire was here less effective as soldiers were shooting at the chests of the attacking monsters, but the not the heads, which would have killed them. And so the zombie advance could not be stopped.

  Although the Colonial Army had out maneuvered and out fought the British army, and inflicted great loss upon them, it was now clear that British forces would carry the day. With limited ammunition and wave after wave of zombie soldiers advancing, the Colonials were forced to retreat in good order.

  “Aw, Man,” Reebock said sadly upon seeing the retreat. “I thought we had them.”

  “Colonial forces fought well,” Washington replied. “But not well enough.”

  It was here that Washington learned the importance of preparation, entrenchments and geographic high-ground in battle. He also learned that long, protracted battles tended to favor the British. Washington saw also that the Americans could fight well, and the British were surprised at this. These observations would be crucial later in the war.

  Since the British “held the field” at the conclusion of the fighting, they technically “won” the Battle of Bunker Hill. But it was a staggering loss for them in terms of officers and soldiers killed and wounded. On the Colonial side, about 140 men were killed, with about 300 injured. But British losses were much greater, with 226 dead and over 800 wounded. (As zombies were already recorded in secret British records as “deceased,” they could not be further killed or wounded).

  In this single engagement, the British dead and wounded officers numbered 1 lieutenant colonel, 5 majors, 34 captains, 41 lieutenants, 57 sergeants, and 13 drummer boys. The Colonials also killed 3 British officer’s butlers and a cleaning woman named Yolanda, quite by accident. Official British casualty reports also listed Sir Hippety Hoppinstance, the company rabbit who served as the British Regimental Mascot. Damage reports also listed the destruction of two cannon and the regimental fine china and tea service. Thus, the British “victory” was one replete will loss.

  “The British do not seem to be following the retreat,” Washington noted after the battle as the British regrouped. “We can head that way and link up with the Colonial forces in the morning.”

  With that, Washington and Reebock, along with a freshly cleaned Poopy, made their way in pursuit of the Colonial armed forces.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Why Americans Are Entitled to Shoot the British

  A British surgeon who happened to visit a Colonial Military encampment at the start of the Revolutionary War made public comments, which were later published, saying that the Colonial soldiers were “a drunken, canting, lying, prating, hypocritical rabble without order."

  At about this time, the Second Continental Congress, with the newly elected John Hancock as its President, issued what it called "Declaration on the Causes and Necessity of Taking Up Arms.” In the initial version, it stated that “We ignorant, drunken, American rabble” regard the British as “ignorant cocksuckers” and wish the British monarch to “go hump a goat.” In the edited later and final version, the more offensive language was replaced with the more noble phrase that the American Colonists are “resolved to die as free men rather than to live as slaves” and stating that “our cause is just.”

  The thesis of the Declaration on the “Causes and Necessity of Taking Up Arms” is that oppressed people, when sufficiently and seriously fucked with, have the right to shoot their oppressors. It’s something of a plodding and wordy document, lacking the fluidity and grace of later texts. It maintains that Americans are entitled to shoot the British as they are essentially illegal trespassers who are unjust, unfair, unreasonable, arrogant assholes.

  On the British side, General Cornwallis saw to the strategic deployment and placement of British troops. On the American side, George Washington did the same with his more limited resources and experience, seeing to the deployment of available troops and appointing generals and officers he could trust in key positions. Back in Philadelphia, the Continental Congress continued its work and authorized Thomas Jefferson to create a first draft of what would later be called the Declaration of Independence. Congress also appointed Benjamin Franklin as Postmaster General and appointed commissioners to negotiate peace with American Indian tribes. Further, Congress issued a proclamation urging Indians to keep the hell out of the fight and “bury the hatchet.”

  Washington was immediately displeased with the provisioning of the Continental Army, noting that most soldiers and officers lacked boots, swords, functional weapons or even basic military uniforms. He could not differentiate officers from soldiers, or militia volunteers from regular soldiers in the Continental Army. Washington therefore ordered Continental Army officers and soldiers to wear feathers of various colors in their civilian hats to denote military rank. It was a system that at least provided for a basic organizational structure. (Although it was rumored that the soldiers of field rank who were required to wear the flaming pink feathers were highly displeased).

  In August of 1775, following several skirmishes with the British, General Washington received reliable reports of the mistreatment of American prisoners of war that had been captured by the British. Washington was outraged. He immediately sent a letter to British General Cornwallis stating his position clearly, threatening British prisoners with equal treatment:

  “I shall regulate all my conduct towards those gentlemen who are or may be in our possession, exactly by the rule you shall observe towards those of ours now in your custody: if severity and hardship mark the line of your conduct, painful as it may be to me, your prisoners will feel its effects."

  On the second, seldom seen page of this letter to Cornwallis, Washington offered the following post-script, in which his anger and determination were clearly visible.

  “P.S.- It saddens me most severely that the conduct between armies has devolved to this current level of unpleasantness, and it is my hope that British officers shall modify their behaviours accordingly. And I ain’t hardly shitting you, neither! You douchebags had better start treating our prisoners fairly or you better watch your asses!”

  Chapter 43

  Washington Reconnoiters

  In early 1776, George Washington was presented with a difficult problem. He had an army significantly smaller than the British army that now occupied Boston, and he had a Second Continental Congress that was eager for him to attack Boston and retake the city. At the moment, these were irreconcilable differences.

  After a careful review of the topography of the Boston area, he developed an idea and decided to reconnoiter the “high ground” around Boston with Reebock. Riding up to Dorchester Heights with his aide, Washington saw only a collection of 20 or so zombies left on an isolated rock outcropping called Lechmere Point. These zombies, Washington supposed, were meant to deter Colonials from approaching, while the steep embankment on all sides prevented the zombies from leaving.

  “Here is your chance,” General Washington said to Reebok from their position about ten yards away, on a hill just below and across from the zombies.

  “Yes, right,” Reebock replied.

  “Take them out,” Washington ordered.

  Yeah…I mean…WHAT?” Reebock replied.

  “I’m ordering you to dislodge that enemy force and seize that position,” Washington said to his aide.

  “But, there’s something like 20 of dem, mon!” Reebock replied excitedly.

  “Yes,” Washington agreed. “Now do your duty, Private. And remember, aim for the head.” Washington handed Reebock a musket with bayonet attached, as well as powder and shot.

  Reebock carefully loaded his musket as Washington had taught him and then stealthfully began the climb up the steep slope to where the zombies were congregated. When he reached the summit, still unseen by the creatures, Reebock took a deep breath and then charged right
at the closest zombie.

  “Die you mother fuckers!” Reebock shouted stabbing the closest zombie in the head with his bayonet. He shot a second zombie in the head, killing it. But the remaining 18 creatures all turned toward him as one, snarling and growling. Reebock killed a third and a fourth zombie with a thrust of his bayonet but the remaining 16 closed in faster than he could repel them and he was soon surrounded. With perhaps a second to spare before being bitten and eaten, Reebock jumped off the overlook and tumbled painfully down twenty foot slope to land hard at the feet of George Washington.

  “Dat hurt, mon,” Reebock admitted as he stood and wiped the dirt from his uniform. “I got four of them.” The remaining zombies stood above on the steep outcropping, still snarling and chomping as they looked down at the meal they had just lost.

  “Yes, four,” Washington replied. “That was courageous,” he added, “and stupid.”

  “Stupid?” Reebock asked. “But you told me to charge up and-“

  “No,” Washington interrupted. “I ordered you to dislodge them and seize that position.”

  “That’s what I tried to do!” Reebock replied.

  “No,” Washington answered. “You charged right into them. Who told you do to that? I ordered you to dislodge them.” Washington frowned. “Dislodge means remove. Do you realize that we are within musket range of these zombies from right where we stand? Reload your musket.”

  Reebock did as the General asked and in under 30 seconds his musket was loaded.

  “Good,” Washington said. “You did that fast. Now take aim and level your musket, and then fire.”

  Reebock took careful aim at the closet zombie up on the hill, took a deep breath, and then gently squeezed the trigger. The musket ball shot forth in an explosive flash of powder and smoke and struck the zombie in the center of its forehead, ending its existence. George Washington did the same with his own musket and fired, with identical results.