After Loving You

by Ashelyn Drake

  “Tell that douchebag if he so much as looks at you again, I’ll shove my foot so far up his ass he’ll never sit again.”

  “I know I shouldn’t say this, but I’m a complete dumbass who apparently has a self-loathing complex, so I’m going to. I love you, Jared.”

  I swallow hard and lay my foot down on the accelerator, making the car jerk forward. I should tell her how I feel. That I love her. But how can I when I’m still in love with Mia? I don’t want to hurt Faith, and as much as she wants me to say those words, it would hurt her if she knew she wasn’t the only girl I’m in love with. Until I can say it to her alone, I can’t say it at all. “I love how you stand up for yourself.”

  “Right.” Her voice falls. “Maybe you should try telling me what you don’t love about me. That might help you figure out why you can’t say you love me and not my personality or some bullshit like that.”

  “See, there you go again, standing up for yourself.” I laugh, but she doesn’t.

  “No, Jared, I’m not. Because if I did, this conversation would be going in a very different direction. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.” She hangs up.

  Damn it. Now both Mia and Faith are pissed at me. I’m disappointing everyone I care about, and I have no idea how to stop. All I know is I have to see Mia before I go back to Faith. I have to tell Mia exactly how I feel. After that…we’ll see.

  Mia’s school is only an hour from home and considering I’m flooring it the entire way, I make it in no time. I know where her dorm is and which room is hers because this isn’t my first visit. I just hope it’s not my last.

  Finding a parking spot is easy since the campus is a ghost town. I search for Mia’s car, but it’s nowhere to be seen. Maybe she and her roommate are still out at dinner. I guess it’s possible. I get out and walk to the dorm entrance. It’s cold tonight and I don’t have a jacket, but I don’t care. I sit down on the sidewalk and wait. And wait.

  I’m tempted to call her again and tell her I’m here, but she has to come home, right? If I call her, she might not answer. And if she does, she might avoid her dorm if she knows I’m here. I hate that our relationship has come to this. She’s the one person I’ve counted on for the past four years. I don’t know how to stop looking to her when I have a problem. Especially when my problem is her.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Mia

  Mark and I have been sitting on his futon in silence for about an hour. It’s insane. He knows who called. And I walked into the bathroom to talk to Jared, which is pretty much like saying, “you can’t hear this because it will upset you to know how much I still care about my ex.”

  “So my timing really sucked,” Mark finally says.

  “More like Jared’s did.”

  Mark turns toward me, his face full of concern. “What did he want? Other than the obvious.”

  “The obvious?” My brow furrows in confusion.

  “You. He kissed you the last time you two were together. He wants you back, Mia. You must know that.”

  “He has a girlfriend.” I don’t know why I say that. I should tell him that I’m taken, that I don’t want to be with Jared. That would have reassured Mark of my feelings.

  “Then he’s an even bigger dick than I thought.” He places his hand on his forehead like he has a massive headache, no doubt caused by me and Jared.

  “Mark.” I reach for his hand, lowering it so I can see his eyes. “I’m sorry I left the room to talk to him. I felt awkward with you right there.”

  “Well, yeah. I tell you I love you and then the guy you love calls to interrupt us. It’s definitely awkward no matter how you look at it.”

  I sigh and shake my head. “Jared and I are over. He called because he was at my house with his parents for Thanksgiving dinner. He thought I’d be there and that we could make up after leaving on such bad terms last time. We haven’t spoken or anything, and it’s bothering him because we were best friends.”

  “Were?” He cocks his head.

  “Yeah. You definitely can’t call us that anymore. Best friends don’t avoid each other.”

  “The question is, why are you avoiding each other. Is it for the same reason I didn’t want you going home?” He looks down, making me wonder if he’s feeling guilty for giving me the ultimatum earlier.

  I dip my head to meet his gaze. “I understand why you felt that way, and I’m not upset with you. You panicked and saw an opportunity to keep me away from Jared and meet your family at the same time.”

  “It sounds even worse when you say it.” He scoffs. “God, I’m an idiot.”

  “I think I should probably go. I need to clear my head.”

  He reaches for my hand. “Are we going to be okay?”

  I want to tell him yes, but the truth is I don’t know. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I squeeze his hand and head for the stairs.

  “I’ll walk you out. They’ll bombard me with questions and Mom will most likely kick my ass if I don’t see you to your car.”

  I nod and wait for him, not wanting to add to the drama of the evening in any way. After I say good-bye and get big hugs from everyone, Mark walks me to my car and kisses my cheek. His lips linger, and there’s such sadness in his touch.

  “I’m sorry, Mia, and I really did mean what I said. I’m in love with you. You need to know that, and I need you to figure out what that means for you. I want you to be happy, but I can’t be with you if you’re in love with someone else.”

  “I know.” I can’t blame him for that. He’s right. I need to figure out what I want and who I love.

  He steps back and watches me as I drive away. Even though my drive back to campus is short, I spill enough tears to form my own river. Jared or Mark? I thought I knew the answer to that, but hearing Jared on the phone really got to me. I hurt him tonight, and that bothers me more than I’d like to admit.

  I park in the back lot and walk around to the front of my dorm. With each step I consider what’s best for me and where I am in my life right now. Jared is four hours away. That hasn’t changed. And I can’t keep being his pseudo-girlfriend on breaks. It hurts too much.

  “Hey.” Jared’s voice stops me cold.

  I lift my eyes to meet his. He’s sitting on the sidewalk, leaning against the dorm. His cheeks are bright red and his lips are purplish. “What are you doing? How long have you been here?” I reach for him, helping him up. His hands are like ice. “My God, let’s get you inside.”

  I open the door and usher him in. It’s not as warm as usual since almost everyone is gone for the weekend. I bring him to the elevator and press the button for my floor. “Why are you here, Jared?”

  He stares at me long and hard. “I need to know what to do. I’m lost, Mia. I never thought that would be the case. I’ve always known what I wanted, but not now.”

  He’s not making sense, and I assume the cold has gone to his head. “Come on.” I take his hand and lead him to my room. The second we’re inside with the door closed, I crank the heat. He follows me to the heater in the living room and warms his hands on it.

  I take my coat off, placing it on the arm of the couch. “Now tell me what’s going on. You were at my house when you called.”

  “And you weren’t.”

  “We’ve been through this.” I sit down, keeping my distance.

  “Do you hate me that much that you couldn’t stand the thought of being around me?” He moves toward the couch even though he’s still visibly shivering.

  I grab the throw blanket off the back of the couch and cover him with it when he sits. “Here.” I rub his arms. “You need to warm up.”

  “Don’t avoid the question.” He stares into my eyes so intensely I pause. “Do you hate me, Mia?”

  “No. I could never hate you.”

  “Good.” He gives me a small smile. “I couldn’t bear the thought of you hating me. Of you not being my Mia anymore.”

  “Don’t call me that.” I let go of him and turn away. “I’m not your Mia anymore.” />
  “I know I hurt you when I ended things, but I never meant to. It’s just that relationships are so hard as it is. I didn’t think being so far apart would be good for us. I didn’t want you to waste your college years missing me, and I’m not saying that your experience here would have been ruined because you’d be pining over me or anything. I’m not trying to be arrogant. I didn’t want to make your life more difficult.”

  “So by breaking up with me you were doing me a favor?” I scoff. “That’s a new one. And it’s also total crap.”

  “No. God, this isn’t coming out right.” He holds his hand out to me. “Come here.”

  I look at his hand and the empty space between us on the couch. “I think I should stay here.”

  “I’m not going to throw myself at you, Mia. You can trust me.”

  I always have trusted him, but things are so different now. Still, I take his hand and move closer. He wraps his other arm around me and hugs me.

  “I miss you. I miss my best friend.”

  “I do, too, but I don’t think we can be that for each other anymore. It’s too hard.”

  He releases his grip slightly so we can look at each other. We’re practically nose-to-nose. “Because we still have all these feelings between us.”

  “Don’t do that.” I pull back. “This is complicated enough already. We shouldn’t be this close. It will only make things worse.”

  “Because you still want me every bit as much as I want you. When we’re together, we’re Jared and Mia again, like nothing’s changed. Only when we’re separated by thousands of miles can we—”

  “Forget about each other?”

  He shakes his head. “No. I never forget about you. I called you that day when I hurt my head. You were the first person I thought of. The only one I wanted to talk to.”

  “Yet you weren’t willing to tough it out through college because we wouldn’t be at the same school. You wouldn’t do it for me, but maybe you’ll do it for her. Faith. Maybe she’ll be the one to show you that just because relationships aren’t easy doesn’t mean they aren’t worth fighting for.” Tears fill my eyes and burn my throat, but I can’t stop. I have to unleash these feelings before they swallow me whole. “You gave up on us, Jared. You bailed when it got tough. That hurt so much I thought I’d fold in on myself. And now you’re here telling me you’re still in love with me?” I shake my head, and the tears spill down my cheeks. “I spent the last two years wondering what I could have done differently to make you stay. I thought maybe it was because we never slept together. I thought you wanted to go off to college and have sex like everyone else.”

  “You know I’m not like that. I loved you. I still do.” He reaches for my hands, and my heart betrays me by interfering with my judgment and letting him do it. “I made a mistake. I thought the distance would ruin us like it ruined Stephanie and Brian.”

  His sister and her boyfriend? “What do they have to do with us?” Realization hits me hard. “You thought I was going to cheat on you?” The only thing he could have said that would have been worse was that he was afraid he’d cheat on me. “What did I ever do to make you think I’d betray you like that?”

  “Nothing. God, Mia, nothing. It was stupid. I see that now. That’s why I’m here. I was wrong for thinking the way I did. All I want is you. You’re all I’ve ever wanted.” He reaches for my face, pulling it closer to his. “Please, Mia. Kiss me and tell me you still love me, that you want to give us another try, and I’ll transfer here. I’ll come to school with you and we can be together just like we used to be. We’ll be Jared and Mia again.”

  I jerk my head back in shock. “Transfer? This school doesn’t even have your major.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t care. I’ll change it.”

  “Your parents would kill you. Half your credits would be worthless. And what about your scholarship?”

  “That doesn’t matter. You’re what matters. Us.” He raises my hand and kisses it. “We need to be together.”

  “I won’t let you transfer for me, Jared.” It’s absolutely insane. He’d be giving up his future for me.

  “Then you could transfer to Maryland with me.” He’s so hopeful, and his voice is almost giddy with excitement.

  “And then my credits wouldn’t transfer and I’d have to change my major if I wanted to graduate anywhere near on time.” He’s not getting it. Neither one of us can transfer, yet he’s so insistent upon it and I know why. “You’re still not willing to try a long-distance relationship. You want to be with me only if I’m physically there beside you all the time.”

  He lowers his head. “I trust you, Mia, I do, but I can’t be away from you for months at a time. It would be no different than what we have now, and this is killing me.”

  I think back to when I left Mark for the weekend to go to the fall festival. Inviting him was totally an option, but I left him behind and he didn’t question it at all. He accepted the fact that I wanted to be with my old friends, and he didn’t feel the need to impede on that. But Thanksgiving had been a different story, and I understand why. I gave Mark reason to worry. I kissed Jared, almost slept with him. “Mark is the one who shouldn’t trust me, not you.”

  “What?” Jared lets go of my hand. “Who’s Mark?”

  I meet his eyes but don’t speak. I don’t have to. He knows I’ve been seeing someone here, but this is the first time he’s hearing Mark’s name.

  “That’s where you were tonight. That’s why you didn’t come home.”

  I nod. “He invited me to dinner with his family.”

  “And you went.” He shakes his head, his jaw clenched. “You chose him over me. Why? You’ve never mentioned him and at fall fest you… Were you with him then?”

  My tears answer for me, flowing down my cheeks in guilty rivers of admission.

  “Yet you were going to have sex with me because he doesn’t love you the way I do.”

  “He does love me.” My words come as a shock to him, but he’s still ready with a counterargument.

  “But you don’t love him.” He wipes the wetness from my cheeks. “You can’t because I still have your heart.” His hand lowers and presses against my chest.

  “Mark and I have only been dating for a few months.” It’s the weakest argument ever, and not at all what I want to say.

  Jared takes both my hands in his now. “See. You can’t throw away what we have for some guy you barely know.”

  “I’m not. You’re my best friend, Jared. I love you, and I’m always going to love you.”

  Thinking I’m finished and I’ve made my decision, he leans forward and crushes his lips against mine. At first I don’t react. I can’t. He’s Jared. My Jared. This is what I thought I’ve wanted for two years. He’s willing to come here to be with me, but as much as that makes me happy, it breaks my heart at the same time. Because it’s not me he doesn’t trust. It’s him.

  I pull away, pressing my hand against his chest to keep him from trying to kiss me again. His heart pounds under my palm.

  “What?” he asks. “Please, Mia, I just got you back. Don’t push me away now.” He presses his hand against mine on his chest. “I know you feel that. You’re the only one who can make my heart beat this intensely. You, Mia. And I know you feel the same way about me. This is it for us. We can be together forever. I know that’s what you’ve been waiting for, why we never…” His eyes lower to my lips, and he brushes his thumb across them. “Why we’ve never been together physically before. But that can change now. I’m in this from here on out. I want to be the guy who stands next to you at graduation, who gets down on one knee and proposes to you—I want to be your first.”

  I swallow hard, the pain inside so intense I’m not sure I can breathe. “You can’t be.”

  His brow furrows. “What do you mean? Why not?”

  God, he’s going to make me say this. “You can’t be my first, Jared.”

  He stands up and turns away from me like it’s too painfu
l to look at my face. “You slept with him. We were together for two years, but you slept with him?” He’s screaming now and he whirls around toward me.

  “No, I didn’t.” I stand up and walk over to him. To the guy I’ve spent the past four years loving. I take his hands in mine. “I can’t be with you, Jared, because as much as you say you love me and you want to be with me, it has to be on your conditions.”

  “I’m willing to move here for you, Mia. How is that on my conditions?”

  “If you feel that strongly about us, then let’s get back together now and see each other on breaks. Then, after we both graduate, we can decide where we want to live and spend the rest of our lives.”

  Something scratches against my door, drawing my attention. Then there’s a soft thump on the floor, which prompts me to walk across the suite and open the door. A bouquet of flowers is on the ground. I pick them up and read the card.

  “I love you and know I can make you happy if you’ll let me.”

  It’s not signed, but there’s only one person who could have brought these. One person who would be so upset by what he heard through this door that he’d drop the bouquet and leave. I’m sure Mark heard me tell Jared I wanted to get back together.

  “Who is it?” Jared asks, coming up behind me. He takes the orange roses from my hand and reads the card. “Mark, I’m guessing.”

  I nod.

  Jared looks out into the empty hallway. “He gives up easily.”

  “He’s not giving up, Jared. He heard what I said to you.” I grab my hair in my hands and squeeze. “God, I don’t even know why I said it.”

  Jared tosses the flowers to the ground and grabs me by my waist. “You said it because you love me.”

  I shake my head, so angry and confused I can’t stand it. “I do love you, but you don’t love me enough to be with me.”

  “I just said I did.”

  “No, you said one of us can transfer. How many girls have you slept with since we broke up?”

  “What does that matter?” He lets go of me and turns toward the door again.