After Loving You

by Ashelyn Drake

  “It matters to me.” I reach for his arm and pull him back around. “How many?”

  He doesn’t answer, which is all the answer I need.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jared

  I need to know, once and for all, why I was never good enough. Why she couldn’t fully give herself to me. “I never pressured you, Mia. You said you wanted to after prom, and then you changed your mind. I didn’t know what to think of that. I’ve been rejected by everyone else in my life, but never you. Not until that day, and again in my car at fall fest.” She starts to protest, but I raise my hand to stop her. “I take full responsibility for that. I don’t blame you. And I don’t blame you for prom night either. I want to understand.” I step toward her. “Why was I never good enough for you?”

  “That’s crazy. Of course you’re good enough for me. Why would you say you aren’t?” Her eyes search mine. She really has no idea how she makes me feel.

  “You’re perfect, Mia. You’re the person everyone wants to be. You see the good in everyone and you always do the right thing.” I hold my arms out. “I’m not. I’m driven by passion. I get angry and I act on it. I love someone and I can’t help but want to show it. Only you wouldn’t let me.”

  “Sex isn’t just sex to you,” she says, figuring it out. “I was scared. We were so young and I was afraid of the consequences. It had nothing to do with you or how I felt about you. I loved you with all my heart.”

  “I know. I get that now.” Thanks to Faith explaining it. Faith. Man, what am I going to say to her after all this? “I guess two years is a long time to hold on to something you lost.”

  She nods. “We’re not the same people anymore, which means we can’t be the same Jared and Mia. We’ve been falling into old habits because it was what we were used to. Only it’s hurting us both and the people we care about.”

  She’s right. We’ve been living in the past, only we aren’t those people anymore. “I’m an idiot.” I slump down on her couch again. “You’re amazing. I should have known other guys would be interested in you. Actually, I think I did know that and that’s why…” Shit. She’s right. I broke up with her because I was afraid she’d cheat on me. “I’m so sorry, Mia. I didn’t give you enough credit, and that’s all on me.”

  She nods and surprises me by placing her hand on mine. “We were young and naive. I think if we had met later in life things would have turned out differently.”

  I agree. Mia is perfect, but I was too stupid to see it. I won’t admit it, but I know I wouldn’t have lasted this long without pressuring her into sex, and I would have hated myself for it. Maybe it’s better we broke up and she got to keep thinking of me as the gentleman she believed I was. I’d rather she keep that image of me. The truth is, I’m as damaged as Faith. Maybe that’s why she and I clicked that day in the parking lot. Maybe it’s why I put up with her occasional craziness. Because she and I are a lot alike. Being with Mia made me a better person, but it was exhausting trying to live up to that standard. With Faith, I can be myself. I’m comfortable with her.

  Mia takes a deep breath. “I know you love Faith, Jared, and I think you know it, too. You’ve tried so hard to keep your relationship a secret so you didn’t hurt me because my feelings for you have been so obvious. I couldn’t hide them.”

  “I tried to hide mine, but we see how that went.” I motion between us. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “I know. We have to let go though. We’re holding on to something that doesn’t exist anymore, and it sucks because we’re hurting people we love.”

  I suck in a breath at her words. She loves Mark. “God, that’s hard to hear you say.”

  “It’s hard for me to accept that you love Faith, but I want you to be happy, Jared. I can’t give you what you’re looking for. I think she can. We were right for each other two years ago, but now…”

  “You know what I miss most?” I ask her.

  “Being best friends,” she answers, the tears filling her eyes again. “I know. I miss it, too.”

  I wish I could tell her that we’ll still be friends, but I think we both know our relationship has to change. Sure, we’ll keep in touch, wish each other happy birthday, and we’ll probably still hang out in the same crowd back home, but the Facebook chats and the late-night phone calls are over. So are the stolen kisses and falling back into old habits when we see each other on breaks. They’re part of our past, a past I’m glad we shared.

  “I should probably go.” I place my hand on her leg, giving it a gentle squeeze that I know will make her giggle. She always was ticklish.

  “Jared.” She stares into my eyes. “I’ll never stop loving you.”

  “I know, because I’ll never stop loving you, either.” I lean forward and press my lips to her cheek. “Bye, Mia,” I say, standing up and walking to the door. She follows me, resting her head on the door as I slip out. I look back at her once on my way to the elevator. I’m sure this is the part of the movie where she would run into my arms and kiss me, telling me she can’t live without me, but life isn’t a movie. It’s hard. And she was right about relationships. They’re tough, but that’s what makes them worth fighting for. I’m ready to fight, and I finally know what it is I want.

  I call Faith on the drive back to school, but I get her voice mail. She always has her phone on her so I know something must be wrong. I have a good feeling I know what it is. As much as I want to speed back to campus, I do my best not to. I’m no good to her if I’m dead. I stop at a florist one town away from school and get a bouquet of red roses, Faith’s favorite. The scent of them fills the car and I realize I prefer it to lilac. Who knew?

  I pull into my parking spot and see Faith sitting in her car, crying. It’s like the time we met, only now I know I can comfort her. I can be her rock while she gets through her parents’ divorce. I take the roses from the passenger seat and open my door. She sees me immediately, like she has Jared radar. She wipes her eyes, smearing her mascara, and she’s never looked more beautiful.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” I say, opening her door and pulling her into my arms. She cries on my shoulder for the next hour, telling me how her parents are finally moving forward with the divorce and how they are fighting over everything. She blames herself for the scene she caused at dinner.

  “I couldn’t take it anymore, Jared. I’m tired of being used by people who are supposed to love me. They’re my parents for God’s sake. They of all people should love me unconditionally, but the second I made them look bad everything went to hell. They screamed in public for the first time ever. Dad accused Mom of cheating on him, which I’m sure she is, but it was humiliating. I stood there like a moron while they fought.” She clutches the roses on her lap, and I don’t have the heart to tell her she’s snapping the stems. I’ll buy her as many roses as she needs.

  I wrap my arms around her. “It’s okay. It’s over now. You’re here with me, and I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

  Mia was right. We were perfect for each other at one time in our lives, but that time is over. Looking at Faith now and seeing how vulnerable she is, I have an open window into the girl she really is. Despite how awful they are, she loves her parents, and the fact that her family is breaking up is destroying her. She doesn’t always make the best decisions, but she always acts out of love. I can respect that.

  She falls asleep in my arms with me tracing light circles on her back. After about forty minutes she opens her eyes and looks at me. “I’m sorry. I got your shirt soaked and full of makeup.”

  I reach down and wipe her damp cheeks. “I don’t care. You can cry on me all you want.” I bend my head down and kiss her softly on the lips.

  “What took you so long to get back to campus?” she asks.

  For a minute, I consider telling her the truth, that I went to see Mia, that I tried to win her back. But that would only hurt Faith more, and I don’t want to cause her pain. I know there’s no future for Mia and me now, so there’s no harm in keeping th
is bit of information from Faith.

  “I had a few things to think about.”

  “Like what?” She props herself up on her elbow.

  “Like how you were right about me. I was afraid to let myself fully commit to this relationship, and that wasn’t fair to you. But I’m ready now.”

  Instead of smiling she cocks her head and stares into my eyes as if trying to see into my soul. “What changed?”

  “I did. I realized I was trying to live in the past, which is stupid. I thought I had to be the person I was when I came here, but I don’t. I’m getting older and I’m allowed to change.”

  “What if I don’t want you to change?” She wraps her arms around me, squeezing tightly. “I love you the way you are.”

  “You shouldn’t. I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve kept you at arm’s length because I was afraid to get too close. I’m sorry for that, Faith.”

  She sits up and sniffs my neck. Her eyes narrow. “My lilac shampoo, why did you hate it so much?”

  Oh God. She’s going to figure it all out. This is my punishment for going to Mia when I should have come here to Faith. But I had to see Mia in order to realize how I feel about Faith. I had to.

  “I have to tell you something, and I hope you don’t hate me when I do.”

  She smacks my chest. Hard. “You were with her on break, weren’t you? She uses lilac shampoo and that’s why you didn’t want me to.”

  “Yes.” She tries to hit me again, but I grab her hand. “I went to see Mia because I couldn’t handle being in love with both of you at the same time.”

  Her eyes widen, and then she lashes out, hitting me repeatedly in the chest with both fists. “You bastard! Do you think finally admitting you love me will get you off the hook for going to see your ex-girlfriend?”

  “No. I’m trying to be honest. I’ve loved Mia for four years. I was holding on to something that’s not there anymore. That’s what she and I talked about. We realized the feelings we had were based on who we both used to be, not who we are now.” I lift her chin, forcing her to look at me. “She knows I’m in love with you.”

  “Nice of you to tell her before me.”

  “I’m sorry, Faith, but I had to know that I could commit to you without having to worry about seeing Mia again. I don’t want to be the guy who cheats, yet that’s what my feelings for Mia were doing to me. I hate myself for hurting you, but in my mind it was okay because I hadn’t yet told you how I felt.”

  “So it’s okay for you to cheat on me because you love me?” she shrieks.

  “No. It was awful of me. You should dump me. You should have walked away from me a long time ago.”

  She stands up. “You’re right. I should have. You’re no better than they are. I gave you my heart and you stomped all over it.” She holds her hand up. “No. You and Mia made out all over it.”

  “I deserve that. I deserve whatever you have to say.” I stand up in front of her. “Hit me if you want to.”

  “I hate you.” She breaks down, crying. “I hate you because you’re a douche and a lowlife and I still love you. What does that say about me?”

  I wrap my arms around her. “I can keep apologizing for what I’ve done, but it’s not going to make you trust me.”

  “You’re right.” She lifts her head and wipes her eyes. “I think you should leave.”

  I let go of her. “I don’t want to. I want to stay and prove to you that I’ve changed. The only way to make you trust me is to show you that you can.”

  “Good luck with that.”

  I walk toward the door. “I’ll pick you up for breakfast in the morning and take you to the diner you love on Main Street. Then I’ll start groveling and trying to prove I can be worthy of your love.”

  “No.” She grabs my arm and turns me around.

  “Okay, how about lunch then?”

  She shakes her head. “You’re not getting it, Jared. You don’t get to set the rules here. This isn’t about what you want. You hurt me, and now it’s about what I want.”

  “Name it,” I tell her. “I’ll give you whatever you want.” I hope it doesn’t involve me walking out of her life forever because that might kill me. I lost Mia tonight. I can’t lose Faith, too. I wouldn’t be able to accept that.

  “I want you to stay. I’m tired of the people I love disappointing me and only thinking of themselves. I need a warm body next to me tonight. Yours will do.”

  Ouch. Not that I think she’d go out and hook up with a random guy if I left, but I want to protect her from her feelings right now. I have to make sure she’s okay. “Whatever you want, Faith.”

  “Good.” She crosses her arms and looks around, not sure what to say or do next.

  “Am I supposed to take you over my shoulder and bring you to the bedroom or lie down and let you ravage me?” I’m not sure what she’s looking for. Comfort and a gentle touch, or passion and angry makeup sex.

  “I want you to tell me how you feel. Let’s start there. And forget about showing me. I want the words.”

  I take her by her elbows since her arms are still crossed. “Okay. I love that you’re passionate and caring even if it hurts.”

  “Damn it, Jared. That’s not—”

  I press my finger to her lips. “I’m not finished. You asked me how I feel and I feel a lot of things for you, so let me talk.”

  She shakes her head, clearly annoyed, but I go on anyway.

  “I love that you keep giving me chances even though I don’t deserve them. I love that you love me even though I’m not worthy of your love. I love that you continue to love people even after they’ve disappointed you. You have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met.” I uncross her arms and hold both her hands. “I love all of you, Faith. But most of all, I love that you love me. And even if you decide to stop loving me after all this, I’m still going to love you.”

  “I told you I’d make you fall in love with me.” She doesn’t meet my gaze or sound the least bit victorious.

  “You’re a lot smarter than I am. I love that about you, too.”

  “What about Mia? How do I know it’s really over?” She finally looks into my eyes.

  “I can prove it to you.”

  “How?” Her tone is nothing if not skeptical.

  “Come home with me for Christmas. There’s a big winter festival with a snow ball, like a dance at the end of it. Be my date.”

  “You want to take me even though Mia will be there?”

  I nod. “Absolutely. There’s no one I’d rather go with.”

  “And it won’t be weird for you to be with me in front of her?”

  “Faith, do you remember when you walked in on me chatting with Mia and I posted our picture as my Facebook profile photo?”

  She nods. “So?”

  “For two years, I hid every one of my relationships from Mia. I didn’t throw ours in her face, but I didn’t hide it either. I never knew why until the last time Mia and I talked.” I step into her body, lowering my hands to her waist. “I wanted to move on…with you. It wasn’t my ex-girlfriend I was trying to hold on to. It was my best friend. I didn’t know how to get my friend back, and I allowed that to cloud my judgment. But I see it clearly now. You are the one I want by my side.”

  “As your girlfriend or as your best friend?” she challenges.

  “As both. They go hand in hand if you ask me.”

  Her hands lower, finding the bottom of my T-shirt and inching their way up. I guess she’s ready to let me take her mind off things back home now. Except, I don’t want to have sex. I want to talk to her and fix things between us. But like she said, it’s not about what I want.

  “That sounds like a lot to live up to,” she says. She lifts my shirt and kisses my bare chest.

  If she were Mia, I’d take things slowly, but Faith is an all-in kind of girl. She loves passionately and completely, and I think that’s exactly what we both need.

  I pull her face up to mine and kiss her hard. Then I nibble a
t the soft flesh between her neck and shoulder, and she throws her head back to give me better access. I pick her up and carry her to her bed. I sit down, knowing she’ll want the top, and lean back against the mattress.

  A moment later she rolls off me, tugging my jeans and pulling me on top of her. She’s relinquishing control to me. It’s a first and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t turn me on. “What are you doing?”

  “Letting you show me how much you love me. You can start here and take me to breakfast in the morning.”

  “Are you sure? If you’d rather—”

  She presses her finger to my lips. “If you’re going to question me every day between now and that winter ball thing, this is going to be a really long month.”

  I don’t know why she’s giving me this chance, but I’ll be damned if I blow it. I kiss her finger. “No more questioning. I love you, Faith.”

  She smiles as I lower my body on top of hers.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Mia

  Mark didn’t answer my calls last night and he’s not picking up now either. I don’t know what to do. I finally have things with Jared under control. I feel ready to move on completely, yet Mark is nowhere to be found. Or maybe he is, but he won’t let me explain.

  “Go to him,” Taneesha says. I cried to her all last night after she got home. I never thought I’d love another guy like I loved Jared, and now I see that I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to love another guy the way I love Mark.

  “Show up at his door?” I say, clutching my cell phone in my hand. Can I do that? “He lives with his sister. What if he told her what happened?”

  “You get a door slammed in your face.”

  Wonderful.

  “You’re going to have to grovel a little. You did tell Jared you’d get back together with him and do the long-distance thing.” She raises her brow at me, challenging me to explain that away, but I actually can.

  “I wasn’t serious. I was trying to get him to see that we were past that and had to move on.” And that he didn’t love me enough to actually go through with it.