After Loving You

by Ashelyn Drake

  “Then tell Mark that.”

  “What if he doesn’t believe me?”

  “Then you have someone new to cyber stalk.” She smiles and winks.

  “You suck,” I say with a laugh.

  “You love me and you know it.” She grabs my jacket from my desk chair and hands it to me. “Now go.”

  I sigh and give her a hug. “Wish me luck.” I only have one arm in my jacket when someone knocks on the door.

  “That must be Shawn,” Tee says.

  I stop and whisper, “How are things going with you two?”

  She shrugs. “He’s no Jared or Mark, but I’m okay with that right now. I know he’s trying to be more attentive, and I can appreciate the effort.”

  “You tell me if he doesn’t treat you right.” I stop and turn around. “On second thought, I’ll warn him myself.” I pull open the door, ready to give Shawn my best “don’t hurt my friend or I’ll hurt you” speech, but it’s not Shawn at the door. “Mark?”

  “Mark?” Tee rushes to the door to see for herself. “You’ve got to be shitting me. Seriously, where do you find these guys?”

  Mark’s eyes widen. “Oh, um, is Jared here?”

  “What? Oh God no!” I step aside. “Please, come in.”

  He shoves his hands in his pockets and steps inside. I shut the door and look awkwardly at Tee. She isn’t really going to stand here and witness this, is she? Another knock sounds on the door.

  “Is that Jared?” Mark asks.

  “No, there’s no Jared. I mean, there’s a Jared, but he and I are over. Finished.”

  Tee walks past me and opens the door. “Change of plans, Shawn. We’re going to your place.” She grabs my jacket from me. “I’ll be borrowing this.” Then she looks at Mark. “She’s babbling like an idiot because she realized she’s not in love with Jared anymore. She loves you.” She pushes me toward Mark, my mouth wide in astonishment. “Now go. Play nice.” She backs out, closing the door.

  “Um…” I have no words. I never told Mark I love him, yet Tee had no problem doing it.

  His eyes meet mine. “You love me?”

  “I—can we sit?” I motion to the couch. “There’s something I need to explain.”

  “I think I’d rather stand. You know, stay close to the door in case I need to make a quick exit. You didn’t say much on your messages, other than you were sorry and to please call you. I had to see you in person, though. There are certain things you shouldn’t do over the phone.”

  Things like break up with me. “I know you heard Jared and me through the door.”

  “Yeah, I heard you tell him you wanted to give the long-distance thing a try. Is that right?”

  “I’m always going to love him.”

  Mark nods. “I get it. I do. You don’t have to explain, and frankly, I don’t think I can stomach hearing it anyway.” He moves toward the door, but I block his exit.

  “Please let me finish. There’s something you really need to hear.”

  He inhales sharply and his jaw clenches. He doesn’t tell me to continue, but he doesn’t try to stop me either.

  “I don’t think you ever stop loving people. Not if it’s really love.”

  “I don’t blame you, so you don’t need to defend yourself. We don’t choose who we fall for. I fell for you.” He shrugs. “I knew you were still talking to your ex and I fell for you anyway. Now I’m shit out of luck. Sucks for me, but like you said, you can’t help who you love.”

  “No, you said that, but you’re right.” I take a step toward him. “I’ve spent the past two years loving the memory of Jared and me, but what I’ve realized over the past few months is that I can’t live in my memories. I’ll always have them, and I’m grateful for that, but I’m not the same person Jared fell in love with and he’s not the same guy I fell in love with. We’ve both changed. The only way I can explain it is that that version of me will always love that version of him.”

  “I’m not sure I’m following. I’m trying to, but this is a lot to take in.”

  “I know. I’m sorry I’m not explaining it better.” I reach for his hand. “I didn’t think I could love anyone other than Jared, or maybe I should say I didn’t think I’d be able to love again after loving Jared. But now I see I was wrong.”

  He cocks his head. “So, you really are in love with me?”

  “I’m saying after loving you, I’ve realized we’re allowed to love more than one person in our lifetime and we can continue to love people in different ways.”

  “After loving me?”

  I’ve lost him again, so I lean forward and brush my lips against his. “Yeah. After I realized I fell for you, I realized I don’t have to let go of my memories of Jared. They’re mine to keep, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love you now. Jared’s my past, a past I’m really glad I had. But you’re my present. I don’t know where any of us will end up in the future, and I’m okay with that. I don’t need to know right now. I need to accept that it’s okay for me to love you. It doesn’t mean I loved Jared any less. And how I felt about him, doesn’t impact how I feel about you.”

  Mark scrunches his forehead. “I’m still a little confused but I definitely heard the part about you being in love with me, so I think I’m okay with all this.” He squeezes my hand. “But what did I hear through that door then? It sounded like you two were getting back together.”

  I sigh. “I was trying to show Jared why he and I couldn’t work anymore. I was doing a bad job of it, and it must have sounded awful from where you were standing.”

  “Yeah, you can say that. I thought I lost you. I felt terrible for asking you to choose, and when I came here to apologize…”

  “You thought I’d made my choice.” I press my palm to his cheek. “I did, but it wasn’t the one you were thinking.” I pull him over to the couch and sit down. “When I was talking to Jared I realized something. He said he never got over the fact that I made him feel like he wasn’t good enough. I don’t ever want to make you feel that way.”

  He looks down at his lap, and I know I’ve already made him feel that way. Most likely when I kissed Jared at fall fest.

  “I’m so sorry. I swear I’m not confused anymore. Not even a little bit. Jared will always be a part of my life—he was my first love. But he’s not my last. There is life after loving him, and I really want that life to be with you.”

  He moves closer to me. “Remember when we met?”

  I smile. “Of course.”

  “Remember when I kissed you in your doorway?”

  I nod.

  “I had my heart broken last year. You were the first girl I kissed since her. The first girl I wanted to kiss and was willing to risk getting hurt for.”

  “And I’ve already hurt you.” I look down at my hands in my lap.

  He raises my chin with his finger and looks deep into my eyes. “I’m not going to lie and say this whole thing didn’t hurt. It did. But in the end, you chose me. Even after I screwed up and let my jealousy get the better of me.”

  “You had a right to be jealous. I made you be that way.”

  “You were honest with me about Jared, and you didn’t have to be. That should have made me trust you.”

  No way am I letting him blame himself for anything. “No. It’s sweet of you to want to defend me, but I got us into this mess. I’m asking you to let me get us out of it.”

  “How do you propose we do that?” he asks.

  “I want you to come home with me for Christmas. There’s a winter festival with a big dance. Jared will be there. Hopefully with Faith, the girl he’s really in love with.” Mark cocks his head at that news. “Yeah, we both misplaced our feelings a bit these past few months. We’re totally straightened out now, though. If you come home with me, you can see that with your own eyes. You won’t have to take my word for it.”

  He leans into me, kissing me lightly on my jaw. “I don’t need to see anything. I trust you. From here on out, I’m going to trust you completely with
my heart.”

  I pull his face to mine. “And I’ll trust you with mine.” I kiss him, leaning back and pulling him on top of me. We make out for a while and then he pulls away breathless, so used to stopping things because I always have. But this time I take his hand and lead him to my bedroom.

  “What are you doing, Mia?” He tugs me back slightly, stopping me in the doorway. “You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

  “I’m not trying to.”

  “Then what are you doing?”

  “A friend recently made me realize that sex is more than I always made it out to be. It’s not just physical.”

  “No, it’s not, and that’s why we should wait.” Mark tries to pull me back toward the couch, but I keep my feet rooted in place. “Mia.” His tone is pleading. “You have no idea how hard it is to say no to you. Please don’t make me do it again.”

  I smile and step into his body. “I love you, Mark.”

  That does it. His lips crash into mine. “I love you, too,” he whispers in my ear as he lifts me up and carries me to my bed. He lays me down carefully, which I’m thankful for. This is all new to me, and I’m still nervous even though I’m sure of my feelings for him. “You say stop whenever you want,” he says.

  Instead of answering, I bring his lips back to mine. Mark is so careful and sweet with me. He takes his time, undressing me and kissing every inch of my body. I’m in heaven long before we have sex, and I’m sure he did that on purpose, knowing the first time for a woman is never as easy as it is for the guy. I think I love him even more for his tenderness. I wince at first, and Mark distracts me from the pain, sending chills of pleasure to several other places on my body. Before long I’m caught up in Mark and the way our bodies seem to fit perfectly together. And when it’s over, he lingers on top of me and kisses me softly.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “Better than okay.” And I really am. I’m glad I waited for Mark. My first time was everything I hoped it would be, and I know it was with the right person.

  He rolls off me and holds me close. “Good.” He places a kiss on my temple. “Can I just hold you tonight?” He’s been sleeping in my room for a while now, just sleeping, but now it seems different.

  “If you try to leave, I may have to hurt you.” I smile to show him I’m only teasing—sort of.

  “So, this winter festival, what should I expect?” Even after what we shared, I can sense the apprehension in his voice.

  I tilt my head back and look at him. “Holding me close all night while we slow dance to every song, even the fast ones because I don’t dance. And expect me to be on your toes for most of the night.”

  He laughs. “Sounds like heaven.”

  “No, that’s what happens after the dance.”

  A devilish smile curves his lips. “Is that so?”

  “Uh-huh.” I kiss him, nipping his bottom lip before pulling away.

  “So, you’re saying you’re willing to do that again, huh?”

  “Only gets better, right?” He looks mildly hurt, like I didn’t enjoy myself so I add, “Though I’m not sure how it could.”

  He smiles. “You’re good for the ego, you know that?”

  “I want to make sure I make you feel as good as you should.” I pull him closer to me, our bodies still slick with sweat.

  “You’re making me feel a little too good right now, and considering I’m not going to let you have sex twice in one night, I think maybe we should get dressed.”

  “Party pooper,” I say, tapping the end of his nose.

  “I’m not going anywhere. And believe me, once your body is used to this, I’m not going to ever turn you down.” He kisses me hard, and for a moment I think he’s going to forget what he said, but he recovers with what sounds like a growl.

  “Are you two decent?” Tee calls from the living room.

  When did she get back? “Um…” I stare at Mark, who pulls my sheets up around us before Tee pokes her head into the room.

  “Well, halleluiah!” she yells. “It’s about damn time!”

  I’m sure my face turns every shade of red at once, and I raise the sheet over my head. Mark joins me under the sheet. “Room for one more?”

  “Is she gone?”

  “Nope,” Tee answers. “I’m still here. I suppose I’m not going to get details until he leaves though, so enjoy round two.”

  Dear God, someone shoot me.

  “Oh, and Mark, those sheets are totally see through,” Tee says. “And so I’ll say good for you, Mia.”

  My embarrassment knows no end today. I wait until I hear the soft click of the door before I open my eyes and look at Mark again. “I’m so sorry. She’s—”

  “Your roommate and she loves you.” He kisses me, his tongue teasing my lips. “She’s not the only one.”

  I could lie here with Mark forever. It’s like we’re in our own little bubble. I guess the expression “some things are worth waiting for” is right. Mark was worth waiting for. He was worth all the torment I put myself through over Jared. Because that entire situation, every painful moment, led me to Mark. It made me ready to open my heart up so completely to another person. Something I never even did with Jared. It’s funny how the heart can go from conflicted to crystal clear in the blink of an eye. Now, it’s not Mia Grande that I’m saying in my head. It’s Mia Newberry, and I like the sound of it.

  “What’s going on in here?” Mark asks, tracing his finger across my forehead.

  “I’m thinking about the most amazing guy I know.”

  He props himself up on his elbow and stares into my eyes. “Anyone I know?”

  “I think you might.”

  “And what were you thinking about him?”

  “Come here and I’ll show you.” I pull his lips to mine.

  Epilogue

  Jared

  I open Faith’s car door and extend my hand to her. “Stop fussing with your hair. You look amazing.”

  “But—”

  “No buts. You’re going to be the most beautiful girl here. Trust me. My mom already commented on how gorgeous you look.”

  “She did?” Faith smiles and takes my hand.

  Faith’s been so at ease home with me for Christmas break, but tonight is the dance and she knows Mia will be here. For the first time, my heart isn’t racing at the thought of seeing Mia. It’s racing at the sight of Faith. She looks amazing in a long blue dress that trails behind her. I take her hand and walk her inside.

  We’re fashionably late, according to Faith, so the music is in full swing and the place is already packed. All eyes turn to us when we walk in. I’m sure half the town—at least—is expecting to see Mia and me together tonight, but they’re going to have to adjust to the way things are now. Faith and I have been going strong since Thanksgiving. She gave me the one last chance I needed, and I’m giving her the love she needs. The only time Mia and I talked was when she sent me a message wishing me a happy birthday, which I thanked her for. We aren’t best friends anymore, and that’s okay.

  I introduce Faith to a few people and get her some punch, which someone thankfully spiked already. The dance is strictly for seventeen and up so there’s no worry that any little ones will get drunk. Maybe a few stupid seventeen-year-olds, but we’ve all been there. As soon as we have our drinks, I turn toward the door. Mia walks in on the arm of a guy who is pretty much the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. I can tell because he catches Faith’s eye immediately, which admittedly makes me a little jealous.

  “I saw that,” I say, leaning toward Faith and bringing her lips to mine. “I’m pretty sure you’re only supposed to look at me that way.”

  She smiles, most likely because I kissed her with Mia looking directly at us. “I was actually looking at Mia. She looks beautiful.”

  “She is beautiful,” I say. “But so are you.” I kiss her again before Mia and Mark walk over to us.

  “Hi, Jared,” Mia says.

  I open my arms and hug her like al
ways. That’s one thing that doesn’t have to change. “Hey, Mia.” I’ve stopped calling her beautiful. I’m sure she still knows I think she is, but now there’s someone else who gets to hear my terms of endearment.

  She steps back and extends her hand to Faith. “Faith, right? I love your dress. It’s incredible. It reminds me of Elsa’s in Frozen.”

  Faith smiles. “I love that dress. I actually was looking for a close match when I found this.” She pats the front of her dress. “You look amazing too, Mia,” she says.

  “Thank you. This is Mark.” She places her hand on his shoulder. “Mark this is Jared and his girlfriend, Faith.” Her eyes meet mine when she says girlfriend, and I nod. She smiles at me, genuinely happy that Faith and I have worked things out. I shouldn’t be surprised that Mia knew my true feelings for Faith. I wouldn’t doubt she knew them before I did, which is probably why she told the hospital to call Faith that day when I cut my head.

  I extend my hand to Mark. He’s a lucky guy, and I hope he realizes it. “Take care of her, okay? She was one of the best friends I’ve ever had.” I pull Faith to my side when I say it so she knows who my best friend is now.

  Mark nods. “Always. Mia deserves nothing but the best.”

  I smile and Mia motions to the dance floor. “Well, I promised to step on Mark’s feet all night, so we’ll catch up with you guys later, okay?”

  “Sure,” I say. Normally, I’d watch Mia walk away, but I know she’s in good hands now, so I turn to Faith. “So, gorgeous, what will it be? Food, dancing, making out in the staircase over there?” I nod toward the door leading to the stairs.

  She laughs and tugs on my tie. Yes, I wore a tie for her because it’s the same blue as her dress. I hope she realizes that’s love right there. “How about some food, then some dancing, and then you take me home and we figure out the rest from there?”

  “I like the sound of that,” I say, pulling her in for a kiss.

  ***