by Ward,Alice
“Nothing has changed. I’m upset, and I need a little bit of time to get myself together, but I’m not dropping you into someone’s lap and walking away.” She reached across the table, and the pain in her eyes was far too real for the state I was in. “I care about you, and I’m going to see this thing through, okay?”
“Right. I appreciate that.” Why was I being so stiff and unyielding? Was protecting myself that fucking important?
“Sure,” her voice was soft, losing volume and showing once again I’d fucked up. “Let me see the files. I don’t want to take too much of your time.”
She wouldn’t look at me, and I let out a long sigh as I pushed them toward her.
“I’m not sure if this is what you wanted to look at, but I can pull anything else you might need.” I studied her as she flipped through them and ignored me. Her profile was breathtaking and stole my heart as if she hadn’t ten times in the last few weeks. She was every bit of the girl I remembered, but so much better.
Our discussion the night before about her bucket list and babies and a future washed over me, and I pressed my hand to my chest. Why was love right within my grasp and yet I couldn’t seem to hold onto it? Why did I try?
“So you’ve known this Dane Warren for quite some time.” She glanced up at me. “He’s with Jessup?”
“Yeah. We all went to school together. Dane’s the weasel of the group. I never really liked the guy much, but we all put up with him out of a sense of pity.” I shrugged.
“Explain.” She reached up and pulled her hair down, and I sat in silence for a few minutes unable to do anything but stare. “Do you want me to put it back up?”
“Put what up?” I mumbled as I moved forward, meaning to touch her before I realized what I was doing. I stood instead and walked to the window.
“My hair. You seemed upset when I took it down.” She stood and moved to stand just a little ways from me as I turned to face her. She was closer than friends might have been, but a million miles between lovers.
“I love your hair any way you wear it.” I brushed my hand down my face. “What were we talking about? Right. Dane. He came from a wealthy family, but they couldn’t stand him. He was kicked out of the house at fourteen and went to live with his grandmother. He has a really sad, sappy story. We felt bad for him and he was quite the swindler, which was funny when we were in college, so he became part of the group.”
“And now? Do you still hang out with him?” She lifted her eyebrow at me.
“No. He’s part of this shit, of course, but you’ve obviously done your homework. You seem to know that.” I reached out and brushed her hair off of her cheek, enjoying the silkiness of it almost too much. “I wanted you so fucking bad last night. You have no clue how hard it was to let you go.”
Sadness rushed across her pretty face, and she shook her head and remained in place. “Not now. I can’t do this now. Stick to the facts of the case.”
“I fucked up. I’ve been looking my whole adult life for someone to spend my time with, invest my heart in, and I fucked up.” I bit my tongue and took a shaky breath. “You’re pulling back from me, and you should.”
“Zek. This is about the case right now. We can’t do or be anything other than friends that care about each other until we get through this.” She reached out and pressed her palm to my chest, just above my heart. “At least not in public.”
I took her hand and lifted it to my face, cupping it with my hands and kissing her palm twice before pressing my nose to her skin and breathing in. What I wouldn’t have given for us to reconnect under any other circumstances.
“Were you more upset with my guilt last night, or the fact that I didn’t come clean with you?” I had to know. I could apologize for one, but the other was the past and could never be changed. I would explain why I didn’t tell her. But the why on the trading scandal had excuses attached to it that they left me so open, so bare, so weak.
“Both.” She pulled her hand from mine and crossed her arms over her chest. “Tell me about Dane coming to visit you.”
“Why did you take this case, Alisa? I might not have known who you were when we met in that restaurant a few weeks back, but you knew who I was, right?” I took a step toward her, losing my grip on maintaining my calm. All the promises and plans I’d made to myself earlier that morning were lost now that I was standing before her. All I could think about was making her mine. Something about not doing so seemed like a loss too great to suffer.
“I knew it was you. Now tell me about Dane.” Her eyes filled with tears, and I realized I’d pushed a little too far.
I moved to stand right in front of her, grateful that she hadn’t stepped back. After sliding my hands around her beautiful face, I leaned down and kissed her lips softly, enjoying her nearness.
“He came in here and told me that he had a deal that I couldn’t pass up. I told him to fuck off.” I kissed her again, this time a little longer. She wasn’t compliant and didn’t really kiss me back, but I didn’t care. Giving myself to her was more than enough for the moment. “He kept pushing and I figured why not. Women only care about me for my money. So, the more I have, the better chance I’d have at finding the right woman and settling down.”
She pulled back as her brow pulled tight. “I don’t believe that shit for a minute. It’s ridiculous. You’re a smart man. Women who want your money are only going to flock to you more with the increase in your bank account, right?”
“Yes, but maybe in the midst of those gold diggers is a good woman I can change. If she were to fall in love with me, no matter how it happened, then she could be different. It’s not too much to ask.” I felt angst rising inside of me, but it was more over my frustration of losing contact with her than her questioning. I was broken and knew it. There was no need to hide it, at least not with her. She could sense it as well.
“Why didn’t you just tell me about the scandal?” Her voice tightened a little and her brow pulled to.
My body hardened, and my blood started to boil as her emotions rose up to color the sensual slope of her neck and cheeks.
“You didn’t ask. I figured you didn’t want to know.” I reached for her, but she pulled back from me. “I’d rather you be my woman than my attorney, Alisa. I don’t need representation. I did this thing. I deserve whatever happens.”
“No. We clear this up first and then we can figure things out between us.” She pushed at my chest softly. “Keep your hands to yourself. I honestly don’t have the strength to fight you right now.”
“Why not?” I reached out and grabbed her by the arms, pulling her firmly against me as she let out a yelp.
“Because I’m lonely too.” She pushed at me. “You lied to me. Why?”
“I didn’t lie. You didn’t ask, and I didn’t tell you. I fucked up. I was praying that they wouldn’t find what they were looking for.” I tightened my grip on her. “Drop the case and let me take you home with me. I need you far more than my freedom right now.”
She looked up at me as her tears dripped down her cheeks. “I need your freedom to be able to relent and give myself to you. Don’t you understand that? I can’t say goodbye again. I won’t.”
“Then you’ll fight for me and waste what little time we could have together.” I leaned down and brushed my nose up her neck, breathing in deeply as a groan left me. “I don’t want that. I want you.”
Her fingers dug into my shoulders as her voice rose sharply. “Stop. You’re not being fair, Zek. You’re breaking my heart with this shit. I would never want you to be lonely or without, and yet here we are… both living that life.”
“Then let me fix it.” I released her and stepped back, though everything inside of me screamed to take her to the floor and stretch her out for a long afternoon of fucking.
“You can’t fix it. You’re the one who fucked it up!” She reached for me as I moved back, her words finding truth deep inside of me. “I didn’t mean like that. I meant that—”
&nb
sp; “No. It’s good. I get it.” I nodded to the folders on the desk. “That’s the stuff you asked for. If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to call.”
“Zek.”
I turned and walked to my desk, picking up a random file and leaving my back to her. My heart hurt so bad that it felt as if someone had a vice grip around it and was squeezing with all their might. We were standing at the edge of decision where the other was concerned, and I needed her to leap with me. She wasn’t willing, and I wasn’t sure I had the strength to beg yet another woman to try with me. Not even Alisa.
“Zek, please. Try to see this from my position.” Her voice was broken due to her emotions spilling out.
I turned and glanced up. “I do see it from your position. That’s the only reason I haven’t pressed you against a wall. I’m in love with you, and it would seem I stand alone.”
“No. You don’t. That’s the problem.” She started toward me, but I lifted my hand up and shook my head.
“No. Please. Just take the files, and we’ll figure the rest out later. I’m honestly close to cracking in half. Lack of sleep, I suppose.” I needed to go to her, to wipe the tears from her eyes. I just couldn’t seem to force my legs to move forward even though I wanted to hold her so damn bad.
“Then let me stay. I’ll work through my own shit later. I just know that if we show anyone that we care about each other, it will be used against us.” She started to walk toward me again, but I gave her a warning look.
“No. I’m serious. I’d rather you just leave. I don’t just care about you. I’m in love with you. Twist the words however you want, but I’m not talking about this again as if it’s something less than it is. I have nothing to offer, and I understand why that would stop you from wanting me.”
My heart shuddered in my chest. She wasn’t looking for anything from me like the other women had, but some devious part of me wanted to strike out and hurt her to ensure I wasn’t suffering alone, and I’d done so by the look on her pretty face.
“You have no idea how I feel. How hard this has been.” She walked to the table and picked up the files. “I took the case because I wanted to be near you, to save you, to help you. I wanted to show you that even though you’d stolen my heart and sent the fucker back in a body bag, that I was still here. That I would never give up on you.” Her sob kicked me in the chest, as did her parting words. “And that I would never walk out on you like you did me. Never. Not then, and not now.”
I stood in stony silence as she walked out, wondering how in the fuck our meeting had gone from bad to intensely worse. I needed to talk things out with someone, maybe my brother. I was utterly confused and started to edge toward lost. I loved her. She loved me. And that was it. Nothing more.
“Why?” I dropped down into a chair and let out a long, angry yell over and over and over.
CHAPTER 4
e
Alisa
I didn’t even pack a bag before heading out to the edge of the city. I needed to spend some time with my mom and dad. The conversation with Zek had gone nothing like I’d planned, and I almost regretted putting my heart out in front of him again. He’d lifted his hand and denied me access to his warmth much like he’d done when we were younger. Every time I would get too emotionally close, he would shut me down. Things hadn’t changed much.
“Because I don’t have anything to offer you…” I mimicked him to the empty car as I pulled down the long dirt road that led to my parents’ house. “I don’t want your fucking money, your cars, your houses, your success. You sorry bastard. I want you.”
My mom opened the front door and stepped out onto the porch as I got out and felt the burn of tears swim in my vision. It always happened when I was around my mother. If anything was wrong, or hurting me, it was magnified tenfold in front of her. Like the curse of all curses.
“Come here, baby.” She reached for me as I sank into her warm hold and let out a long cry against her chest. “Daddy is going to make your favorite tonight. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes, okay?”
“Okay, Mom.” I sniffled and stood in the doorway, crying against her like I had my whole life. My dad’s voice pulled me from the moment, and his humor saved me, just like it always had.
“Do I need to get my damn shotgun ready to hunt some boy down? This about the fruitcake artist guy, or that meat-head jock Momma said you were talking about?” My dad tugged at my arm, and I moved from my mom to him.
“Neither. Both. All of them.” I laughed through my tears and squeezed my dad before pulling back and wiping at my eyes. “You would think I would eventually grow out of this.”
“Grow out of crying? That doesn’t happen.” My mom brushed my hair back. “Come into the kitchen. Dad’s starting to cook. I’ll make us a cup of tea and we can talk about everything.”
“Okay. I’d like that.” I followed them in and smirked as my mom snuggled my dad from behind as we reached the living room.
“Why do I always have to do everything around here? Damn slave-driver.” My father teased my mom before turning around and pulling her into a tight hug. “You’re lucky you’re so pretty.”
I rolled my eyes and stifled the need to cry some more. I wanted what they had, but it wasn’t just anyone that I wanted it with. It was Zek. I had to stop riding the fence soon. He’d admitted to having feelings for me… no, to loving me.
I should have been on cloud nine, and yet I was struggling to keep my head above the waves of indecision.
“So tell us what’s going on.” Mom walked into the kitchen and picked up a hand towel, wiping her hands as she studied my face. Her once dark brown hair was almost fully gray now, but other than that, she still looked like she had when I was a kid. She looked like an older version of me, but she and my father together made an odd couple. She looked like a city girl, and he was all country — overalls and all.
“Zek and I wrapped up the trial last night, and he was acquitted. It was a great case, and helping him meant the world to me.” I shrugged and glanced down as I pulled at the strings on one of the blue placemats beneath my arms.
She swatted at me and smiled. “Good for you. Stop picking at that and tell us the rest of the story. You don’t come visit too often, especially not in the middle of the week. I’m thinking your crying spell gave you up… what happened? Did he hurt you again?”
“Again?” Dad moved up to stand beside Mom on the other side of the breakfast bar.
“I had a crush on him as a kid, Dad. He didn’t return the feelings. It was nothing.” I lifted my eyebrow and glanced toward my mother, trying to get her to hush. We could talk later.
“With Zek? He’s your brother’s age. You’re way too young for him, peanut.” My dad reached out and tugged at a strand of my hair. “He’s a better choice than that French fry potato head guy you married though. I couldn’t stand that guy. Always analyzing everything and pointing out how pretty stuff was.”
I laughed and rolled my eyes. “Dad. He was an artist.”
“I don’t care. I don’t like it. I’m glad his pretty ass is gone.” My dad turned his back to us and started working on dinner as Mom pulled up a chair across from me and leaned her forearms against the counter. “What happened?”
“Zek’s not too old for me, right? You and Daddy have five years between you. Zek and I are four, I think.” I sat back.
“No, silly. Ignore your father. No one will ever be right for you. You’re his only little girl. Now, enough of that stuff. What happened? Talk to me.” She reached out and laid her hands down on the table, palms up.
I slid mine into hers and gripped her tightly as she gripped mine in return.
“I’m still in love with him. After all this time, I thought maybe I could just slip in, save the day and get back out unscathed. I thought…” I choked on my words and closed my eyes, trying to save myself from putting too much emotion on display. It wasn’t about being real in front of my mother, but more about having to confront how much it hurt that things
were fucked up between me and Zek once more. It would almost have been better to never have gotten involved with him again.
Safer, at least.
“Oh, Alisa. I’m sorry that your heart is hurting.” She squeezed my hands. “Do you think it’s just because you’re vulnerable because of what happened with Ben?”
“I don’t know. I hope it is. I have to push through and defend Zek in this next case, but I’m not so sure we’ll come out of it with a good verdict. When the government wants to pin something on someone, they’ll find a way.” I pulled my hands free and wiped at my face. “I’m sorry I’m so emotional. I came to spend time with you guys and cheer up.”
“Well, just be you, and we’ll figure out the rest.” She got up and walked around the table, pulling me into another warm hug as she kissed the top of my head. “I think you’ve got a lot going on. You need to take things slow and not try and rush into anything at work, or in your personal life. Help Zek as best you can, and let things progress as they naturally do between you two.”
“That’s the problem.” I pulled back. “It took two years for me and Ben to decide there was even anything between us to explore. With Zek, it’s like two powder kegs ready to explode when we’re in the room together. He makes me come alive and want so much more emotionally than I have. He makes me want to live more, bigger, better.”
“Then he’s the one.” My dad patted the table in front of me. “He’s always been the one. So what if he’s old enough to be your dad. Age isn’t that big of a deal.”
I rolled my eyes and got off the stool I was sitting on. “You’re ridiculous, Daddy.”
“Ridiculously cute.” My mom giggled and moved back into the kitchen as I disappeared down the hall.
“Gross,” I called back to them just before walking into my old room. My mom hadn’t changed it too much, but then again, I’d never been one of those girls with pink walls or gobs of pictures stuck all over the place. I was a lawyer for a reason, and organization and neatness had always been part of the picture for me.
