Guarded Heart

by C. A. Harms

  I was looking into Wes’s eyes and I knew at that moment it was time for me to open my mouth and say it. He deserved to hear it even though I know he already knew. Hearing it though changes everything. I adored this man and I had guarded my heart long enough. I reached up and placed my hand onto his cheek as we stared into one another’s eyes. Here it goes, “Wesley, I love you too…so damn much. I love you!” I wasn’t sure what was going on he seemed shocked maybe or confused…I waited and just watched him. His lip trembled and I knew then what his reaction meant. He was happy, “Baby you have no idea how good it feels to hear you say that to me. I just needed to hear you say it. I love you Samantha. You have completed me and I adore you…every single part of you even the stubborn as hell parts. I want to spend the rest of life making you happy baby. I want to get married Sam…” I felt my chest tighten…oh no. He reached behind him into the nightstand that was now claimed for his things when he stayed over and pulled out something. When he turned back to me I noticed it was in fact a ring box. “Sam I have had this for over a month and I was waiting for…hell I don’t know I guess the right time. You are an amazing person and all I want is to take care of you and our family. I want to have more babies with you and buy a big house with a swing set out back. I want to have big family dinners and wake up on Christmas morning with a huge tree overflowing with gifts that you and I stayed up late the night before perfectly placing them there for our children…baby I promise I will love you forever and spend every single day of my life making you happy. Sam will you marry me, make me the happiest man alive and become my wife.”

  I sat up and just stared forward…I felt like I couldn’t breathe. What my god…what did he do that for. We have only been back together for two months. I hadn’t realized I was crying and breathing hard until Wes wrapped his arm around me hugging me to him. “Baby slow down just breathe…shh. Sam I am sorry I didn’t mean to upset you. That was so not the reaction I was hoping for…I’m sorry.” He sounded so sad…what was wrong with me?

  Thirty One

  I woke up to a lonely bed. Sunday morning Kayla would not have him up this early…would she? I crawled out of bed and after making a quick stop at the restroom and walked down the hallway and found the spare room empty. When I entered the kitchen it was empty also. I looked out the window to see Wes’s truck was gone. He never just takes off without saying bye and where would he take off this early to?

  I noticed a note folded on the counter with Sam written in his handwriting and grabbed it quickly…

  Sam,

  You fell asleep so quickly last night we never had a chance to finish talking. As I sat next to you watching you sleep my mind wouldn’t stop. I know what I want Sam. I want you! I want to come home from work every day to my family…You, Kayla and our little guy. I want you as my wife. Then I started thinking that because of what that dumb fuck did to you…I get the punishment. You judge me based on what he did. Can I live everyday knowing that I may never be able to convince you that I WILL NOT HURT YOU! Can I sit around and pretend that what I want doesn’t matter. I am not sure I can. I love you so much Sam but last night when I asked you to marry me…that was real. SO REAL! When you freaked out like marrying me was the worst thing ever…it broke my heart Sam. I guess I just need some time. I took Kayla over to my parents for breakfast. I’m going to help my dad with some things around the house and I may be there late. I think me and Kayla will just stay at my place tonight. I’ll call you later. Love you

  I felt sick to my stomach. I was now sitting at the table unable to control my tears and shaking with fear that I may lose Wes. I couldn’t lose him but I was terrified that if I said yes he would figure out he didn’t want it and I would be left a week before my wedding having to explain to every guest why once again I wasn’t good enough.

  Oh my god…he was right. He was not Tony! How could I continue to push him away when he was not the man that cheated on me over and over? Wes is so loving, caring, supportive and nurturing. Everything about him is amazing and I feel so alive with him. I am so happy with him and spending my life sharing the good and the bad…I know that he is who I want next to me every morning that I wake up…so why the hell didn’t I say yes?

  I dialed his number…it rang and rang then…

  ‘You got my machine leave a message!’

  My heart sank when I got his voicemail. He had to be ignoring me…he always has his phone close. I looked at the screen when it started ringing Wes lite up the screen. “Hello”, I breathed quickly into the phone. When I heard his mother’s sweet little voice I felt sad that it was her calling and not Wes. “Honey is everything okay? Wes has his hands full right now and he just wanted me to make sure everything was okay.” He talks to his mom about everything so I was pretty sure she knew already but for him to not call himself wasn’t right. I knew he had to be upset with me. I thought he was acting like a baby… “Yeah everything is okay, can you ask him to call me whenever he gets a chance?” She assured me she would and we hung up.

  At about eleven thirty, I was beginning to get really irritated. Four hours had passed and I knew he had to have had a chance to call me by now. If he wanted to prove a point he was damn it. Now he was just hurting my feelings.

  Noon—One—Two—Three—Four here it was now five at night and still no call. Fine if he wanted to be so damn childish I can play to. I got dressed and decided I would leave and if he stopped by I would not be here. I went to Allison’s and she was happy to see me I had not been there as much as I had wanted to be. They were having a little trouble getting pregnant and I felt that her seeing me with my pregnant belly may be a little hard on her.

  We sat in front of her fireplace and talked while Mitch made his way to the bedroom to watch some game on TV. After I told her everything she agreed that I was too hard on Wes regarding marriage and that I had to stop pushing him away because of Tony and his mistakes. They were in fact just that ‘Tony’s Mistakes’. Her opinion changed after I told her about calling him and still nothing. It was a few minutes passed six in the evening now and no return call. “Even if he is hurting that is still wrong.”

  I was leaning back against Alli’s couch with my feet propped up on pillows at six thirty when my phone finally rang. Once I noticed his name on the screen I threw it back toward my bag. Alli raised an eyebrow up questioning my action, “What he has left my ass hanging all god damn day. I was ready to tell him this morning that I made a huge mistake and that I should have said yes but he left me hanging and all he had to do was make one little call…one. Let him sit now!”

  In the next twenty minutes he had called a total of seven times. Followed by two text messages…

  Where are you?

  At your house and you are not! Should I be worried?

  About ten minutes later Mitch hollered from the bedroom, “Hey Alli, Wes is on the phone tell Sam to answer her phone he has been calling her.” I stood up and walked for the front door, “Tell Mitch I left…talk to ya later sweetie…thanks for the company.” Then I turned and walked out her door.

  I treated myself to an ice cream as I sat in the parking lot in my car while my phone rang over and over in my bag. It wasn’t until almost nine in the evening when I decided to go home. His truck was still in my driveway when I got there. I walked up the sidewalk slowly and unlocked the door. It was dark but I knew he would be awake. He was sitting at the kitchen table with the light from above the sink just barely lighting the room. He held a beer and I didn’t make eye contact. I slowly took off my jacket and started to make my way down the hall to my room. “Don’t you think ignoring me and making me worry was a little overboard?” I turned to him seeing him take another drink from his beer, “Me…overboard! Damn it Wes I called you at seven thirty this morning and you didn’t choose to call me back until almost eleven hours later…who went overboard….you know I actually called this morning to tell you I had made a mistake. You had to go and be a total ass about it instead of just picking up the god damn phone
to call me back. Two fucking minutes Wes and you couldn’t give me that.” He stared at me for a few seconds to long and I walked to my room. I began to grab my things for a shower when I looked up to find him still holding a beer leaning against the door frame of my room. “I was upset about last night or this morning hell you told me no Sam…I asked you to marry me and you told me no”, he threw his hand up in the air to bring it to rest on the back of his neck. I took a step toward him, “I never said no!” Shaking his head he took a step toward me, “Well you never said yes so that to me is no.”

  I picked his pillow up off the bed and a blanket that was over the arm of the chair, “Well like I said I called you this morning because I had realized I made a huge mistake…but you couldn’t talk because you needed some space…well here is your god damn space. Sleep on the fucking couch”, I glared and him as I shoved them both at him and went in to the bathroom shutting the door behind me to take a shower.

  After I took my time showering I slowly opened the bathroom door to a dark bedroom but he sat on the end of my bed with his head hung. I walked passed him and he reached for my hip pulling me in to him. He brought his mouth to my tummy and kissed it, resting his forehead right above my belly button. “I was so scared that when you didn’t say yes…that it meant you and I wouldn’t be together. That we wouldn’t get to raise our son together…and that broke my heart because I want that so much. I know now you just need time…rushing you isn’t fair. I’m sorry Samantha.” I fought back my tears and reached for his face to turn it upward. Once our eyes locked and I saw the wetness on his cheeks I could no longer stop mine from escaping. I bent down and kissed his lips, “What if I don’t need time…what if I knew the minute I read your letter this morning that I should have said yes to you. Your right Wes you are not him…you are a wonderful man and it is you I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with.” He stood up and kissed me so sweetly and slowly. He kept a hand on my belly and the other on the back of my neck. I was lost in his kiss. He rested his forehead to mine and kept his eyes closed softly he whispered, “Baby will you marry me?” His smile when he asked was amazing and irresistible, “Yes…yes I will marry you Wesley. I need something from you though…I need you to make love to me.” And he did…more than once.

  Thirty Two

  If it was up to Wes we would have been married the day after I said yes but with a lot of stubbornness on my part I finally put my foot down and told him I would not be getting married until after I had our son and was able to lose my baby weight. I wanted the big ravishing wedding that I should have had before. I wanted the flowers and the flowing dress and with all our best friends there by our sides.

  I was rounding my seventh month mark of my pregnancy. My feet and hands were really becoming swollen and my lower back was really bothering me. I had left work early and I went home to get a nap in. I felt like I had just closed my eyes when Wes crawled into bed behind me and began rubbing my back. I looked at the clock and told him I couldn’t believe I had been asleep for four hours. It was now after five and I still had to get dinner going. “Baby…let’s just go out and get dinner. You’re tired and I don’t want you to worry about cooking.” We ended up meeting Mitch and Allison for dinner and it was nice because our time with them was really minimal. Alli seemed sad a lot and I hated that they were having a difficult time getting pregnant. She really wanted it so badly.

  Wednesday I had a patient early in the morning and I had the afternoon assisting a new therapist that just joined us. Her name was Melanie and she was so sweet. About three thirty Mitch texted me…

  Baby you almost done for the day?

  He never got off work early…

  I am actually done in about ten minutes just finishing up a few things. Is everything okay?

  His response was a little weird…

  Meet me at 1881 St Clair Ave at four…no questions just be there. Luv u

  Sometimes he confused the hell out of me. I agreed to meet him and finished up quickly. When I pulled up to the address that he gave me I found Wes’s truck parked out front. He was standing near the front door with a dark haired woman in a gray business suit holding a file. Once I was out of my car and walking up to meet them I figured out what this was all about.

  He introduced the woman as a realtor and I was a little overwhelmed as they opened the door so we could enter. It was beautiful. It was all opened and light. You could see into the kitchen and out in to the back yard through the big floor to ceiling windows that lined the back of the house. It had one bedroom and a half bath on the main level along with the laundry room. Upstairs were three more bedrooms and two full bathrooms. It had a two stall attached garage and a fenced in backyard. The backyard was great and a nice built in playground swing set area that would be staying with the home. It really was a beautiful and spacious. The rooms were large and it was so welcoming. “So baby what do you think? Do you like it?” Like it…I loved it but was he serious I knew we would eventually buy a home or rent a larger one but…It was amazing.

  “It is gorgeous…and perfect but are we ready for this should we wait until after the baby?” Wes hugged me to him and said no he didn’t want to wait. He paid rent and I paid rent what was the point when we stayed at my house most of the time anyway. He was ready to get things settled and ready before our little guy arrived.

  The home belonged to a couple with three kids that had been relocated due to the man’s job they had been paying two mortgages and needed to sell quickly. Wes was confident he could get a good deal and we would be able to close fairly fast. So we made an offer.

  It was about eight thirty that evening when the realtor called to let us know that our offer for the house had been accepted…we would be buying our first home together. I lay in bed that night looking at Wes as he slept next to me. I just watched him breath. I watched his bare chest slowly rise and fall as his hand lay spread out over my tummy. I couldn’t sleep because my little man was doing barrel rolls or something crazy. My belly was moving all over the place. I just couldn’t get comfortable and I had a craving for some ice cream. I slowly wiggled and rolled out of bed then made my way to the kitchen. I could hear him coming down the hall as I grabbed the bowl from the cabinet, “I would have gotten that for you?” I hated waking him up all the time, “No big deal I couldn’t sleep, little man is busy tonight and I couldn’t get comfortable.

  Wes walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me from behind placing his hands to my tummy. I could feel his grin against my cheek as he felt our son flip around. “I have an idea for a name…I know we’ve thrown a lot of them around but I think I’ve put one together that we both will like.” He moved from behind me and was now next to me leaning over the kitchen counter. I looked at him and smiled, “What about Kane Thomas Carver…your middle name and my father’s middle name?” The most gorgeous smile spread across his face, “I love it…I think it is perfect.”

  Thirty Three

  Two weeks later we got the keys to our new home. The closing was quick and pretty painless. Now came the moving part.

  “Hey Baby which way do you want the bed setup? We could put it against the outer wall or the inner wall near the bathroom?” Wes was yelling down to me from the stairway leading up to the bedrooms. Mitch offered to help Wes and I get everything rearranged and the big boxes carried upstairs. We just got the keys to our new home yesterday and since it was a Friday Wes began moving things immediately. We wanted to get everything settled and moved as quickly as possible. I was now almost eight months pregnant and really miserable.

  “Against the outer wall please”, I hollered back up to him from the bottom of the stairs. Allison was here helping me get things organized. MaKayla was with Wes’s parents. She was going to stay there until tomorrow and I was wanting to get her room together and ready for her. I felt so tired and my head was pounding but I had no intentions of stopping. I wanted Kayla to be happy and excited to see her room all ready for her. The room that would be hers was alre
ady a light shade of purple. So last night I had stenciled some flowers and butterflies around the room and we bought her new bedding and curtains to match.

  We ordered pizza and at about eight we sat down at the table with our best friends. We had made some great progress and it was slowly beginning to feel like ours as our things started to be placed throughout our new home. I noticed major anxiousness in Allison all day and Mitch was overly chipper… “Okay you two what the hell gives…you both are hiding something and it is time to spill.” I couldn’t take their secretive behavior any longer. Mitch looked at his wife and smiled…Alli dropped her slice of pizza onto the plate in front of her and bounced up and down in her seat. “I’M PREGNANT!” She screamed and then ran around the table as we hugged and laughed. Wes shook Mitch’s hand and exchanged Congratulations. They were over the moon and had been dying to tell us but wanted to wait until after they met with the doctor due to the difficulty the have had. Turns out she is ten weeks and things look perfect.

  Over the next few days I had managed to get MaKayla’s room ready and she loved it…in fact it was hard to get her out of it. Our room was completed along with the living room. The kitchen on the other hand seemed to be the hardest one to get together. I just had not been feeling well and my feet and hands even my face was swelling. I was having horrible headaches and did not feel up to attacking the train wreck in our kitchen.

  It had almost been a week since we moved into our house and I was getting ready to go to my baby shower that Allison was throwing and Wes had already left to take MaKayla out for lunch. I grabbed my purse and went to meet everyone for the shower. Today the headaches I had been experiencing seemed to be one of the worst ones yet. I took something to help ease it as best as possible. I had to get through the shower Allison had put so much time and planning into it and I really appreciated everything. I forced on and chose to put on my tough girl pants and decided that no one would know about my discomfort.