First Lady

by Blayne Cooper

  “You don’t have to be,” Devlyn replied, her voice equally low. “I guess I was just hoping.” She paused. “Errr… But while we’re discussing sperm donors I think there’s something else you should know. If we had more children, it wouldn’t have to be from an anonymous donor.”

  Lauren’s brows knitted. How could Devlyn already have someone in mind when they hadn’t even talked about it yet? It sounded like she had this all mapped out. Hoping she was wrong, Lauren said, “I don’t know exactly what you mean.”

  “I already have someone’s frozen sperm,” Dev corrected, trying to minimize the surprise this announcement was sure to cause. “The kids’ donor isn’t a stranger. It’s…” She steadied her nerves. “It’s David.” Not letting go of Lauren’s hands, she rocked back a little on her heels and waited for the explosion.

  Lauren blinked very slowly as her brain fought to process what she'd just been told. She opened her mouth and then closed it, swallowing hard before hoarsely saying, "W... What? What?”

  "I said David is the donor." Her voice was a little stronger now, but still tremulous. Dev took a deep breath and let it out slowly, her pulse pounding so loudly she was surprised Lauren couldn’t hear it.

  Lauren looked away for a moment, her eyes unfocused. "David?”

  “Yes.”

  Her jaw worked for a moment, and she was surprised to hear how calm she sounded when she heard herself say, “David, who is your best friend?”

  Devlyn’s entire body went taut with anticipation. “Yes.”

  “David, who I see nearly every single day of my life and who eats at our dinner table at least once a week?”

  Lauren’s voice was eerily steady, almost serene. And Dev took that as a very, very bad sign. “Yes, honey, David McMillian. Tall, redhead, mustache, you know, my chief of staff.”

  Lauren’s gaze suddenly snapped back and landed on Devlyn face with palpable force. “Well, holy shit, Devlyn. Ho-lee Shit!” She pulled her hands from Dev’s and sank her fingers deep into her own hair, gripping the sides of her head as though she was afraid it might blow off.

  Dev looked almost relieved. That was the reaction she’d been expecting.

  "All of them?" Lauren asked incredulously. “He fathered them all?” And no one bothered to tell me? What in the hell is going on?

  Dev wasn’t exactly comfortable with the word “father” but something told her that splitting hairs at that very moment might end her up in the emergency room. So she just said, “Yes. All of them. He and Beth agreed to help Samantha and me when we wanted to start a family.” She moved back onto the sofa alongside Lauren. “He's my best friend, and we wanted the children to have the same father. We did it for lots of reasons, including medical ones. Based on how the kids turned out, I think we made the right choice. He was willing to keep quiet about his contribution, but still be a positive force in their lives."

  “And you didn’t trust me to keep quiet about it?” Hurt colored her words. “Is that—?”

  "No,” Dev interrupted harshly. “Of course not, Lauren.” Devlyn took Lauren’s hand again, determined not to let go. “I trust you with my life. My family. My heart. Everything. I hadn’t thought about David being the donor in years. We agreed never to talk about it, and we never have. Not once, Lauren, in all these years. It was actually sort of easy to imagine it never happened at all. But a few months ago, David came to me and asked me about some legalities having to do with the children’s custody should something happen to me.”

  Lauren’s eyes widened in alarm. “But—”

  “Shh….” Devlyn easily read Lauren’s fear. “I’m fine, honestly. It’s just that the assassination attempt and our engagement brought up some things that needed to be addressed.”

  Lauren looked down at their joined hands and schooled herself in patience. “Then why didn’t you tell me?” She was finding it harder and harder not to lash out or burst into tears. “I don’t understand!”

  “I know. Please let me explain,” Dev said in a rush. “Please.” There was a rare note of urgency and fear in Devlyn’s voice that captured every ounce of Lauren’s attention. Then something else flashed across Devlyn’s face, something even rarer than fear. Shame. “After I spoke with David, I knew I needed to tell you, but I put it off because I was worried that you’d be upset that I didn’t tell you earlier. And then I kept putting it off because the longer I waited, the more upset I figured you’d be.”

  Still dumbfounded, Lauren felt queasy. Tears welled up, stinging her eyes, and she found that she couldn’t blink them back. "And you were afraid to tell me this, why? I love David."

  "I was afraid that you would think I had been intentionally keeping it from you, which I hadn't.” Dev stomach began to churn. “But everyday I didn’t say something just made it worse. It was the wrong choice and I am so, so sorry.”

  Lauren sat in silence for a long time, trying to absorb what she'd just been told. Part of her felt irrationally betrayed by Devlyn’s lack of disclosure. She was angry and hurt and suddenly afraid for her new marriage. "And—" Lauren had to stop and swallow. "And just what did you think I would do that made you afraid to talk to me? I know I have a temper, but... Christ, Devlyn," she hissed.

  Devlyn squeezed her eyes shut. "I was afraid that you'd leave!" Tears slipped from between the closed lids, and Dev cursed softly, disgusted at herself for appearing weak and needy. "You did before, when Sarah kissed me and you were so angry you just left! I can’t lose you because I did something stupid. I just can’t!"

  “I went to the park for a few hours to calm down. It’s not like I shaved my head, changed my name, and moved to Brazil!”

  “You still left, Lauren,” Devlyn pointed out raggedly. “I tried to explain and you wouldn’t hear it. I was afraid this time would be worse. What if I couldn’t find you? I…” Blue eyes darted sideways and away from that penetrating gray gaze. “I’m not used to being afraid. I didn’t know what to do.”

  For a moment, an internal battle raged. Lauren was well aware that her emotions were running so close to the surface that they would very likely get the better of her. She was equally close to saying something she’d probably regret later. She wiped at her face with an irritated hand and took a calming breath. "Devlyn, honey, look at me.” She cupped Devlyn’s chin and turned her face so that they were eye to eye. “I think the most important thing isn't that I left, but that I came back and that we worked it out."

  Thickly, Lauren whispered, "I'm never leaving you. Never. I might need time and space to think about things.” She threaded their fingers together. “But that's only so I don't go crazy and murder you in your sleep for keeping things from me." She offered Dev a weak smile, but it was clear that she was only half joking.

  A little of the fear in Dev’s eyes receded. "I meant what I said. I wasn’t intentionally keeping this from you. I think of the kids as mine. All mine,” her lips curled slightly, “and now ours, of course. At first, after Ashley was born, it was sort of like if I didn’t think about it, it would be true. By the time Samantha had the boys, their biological parentage wasn’t even something Samantha and I discussed anymore. I’ve grown used to not thinking about it, and the kids, all of them, they are mine, you know?”

  They exchanged watery smiles and Lauren said, “I know.” She ducked her head and picked a little at the sofa’s fabric. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you afraid. I know I’ve wanted to run this year instead of face things sometimes. I’m trying to get past that.” She suddenly looked up, confidence radiating from shiny gray eyes. “I am getting past that.”

  Devlyn felt her heart rate begin to slow. Things weren’t spinning out of control as they had in the past. “You’re doing great,” she said emotionally. “Really great, Lauren.”

  "Then say that you believe that I won’t leave you and I’ll stick with you to work through things," Lauren ordered, her heart aching for her part in Devlyn’s fears. "You're stuck with me.” Her voice was hoarse and cracked as she spoke. “Say
it."

  Devlyn sniffed a few times, willing it to be completely true, even as she then drew in a deep breath and murmured, "I'm stuck with you."

  Lauren drew their joined hands to her mouth and placed a tender kiss on the ring she’d given Dev at their wedding.

  Devlyn allowed herself a few deep, calming breaths before she gave Lauren a lopsided, self-deprecating grin. "I really feel like shit for being such a coward. I didn't mean for it to get this out of hand. You’re the one thing I count on. The most important thing. I know it’s stupid, but I didn’t want to risk that."

  The golden light from the fire reflected off Lauren’s damp cheeks and her eyes fluttered closed when Devlyn leaned forward and gently brushed away her remaining tears with slightly trembling lips. “I'm sorry, too. For doing anything that made you think you couldn't talk to me." Her throat began to close, and she started to get upset all over again. "I don't want things to be like that between us," she said miserably.

  “Please, don’t cry. I hate it when you cry,” Dev admitted in a hushed voice. “It’s not your fault.”

  “Nuh uh, Devlyn.” Lauren clutched Dev’s hand tightly and held it to her heart. “It’s both our faults.”

  “No—”

  “Yes,” Lauren corrected, her voice as gentle as she could make it. “We’ve got some stuff to work on.” She lifted her eyebrows in appeal. “Okay?”

  Dev’s answer was immediate. “Anything.” She licked her lips, feeling as though she’d just run a marathon. “Is… um… is there anything else you want to know? About David.”

  Lauren drew in a shaky breath and let it out. “Everything, I guess. Does Beth know?”

  Dev nodded. "Yes. We had to clear it with her first. There are only four people in this world who know. The kids don't know, even my parents don't know.” She shifted her position on the sofa, neatly fitting herself into one corner. Then, with quick pat on her lap, she invited Lauren to lay her head down. When Lauren didn’t accept immediately, Devlyn felt the beginning stings of rejection and was on the edge of withdrawing her offer when Lauren let out a breathy sigh and moved to place her head in Dev’s lap.

  Lauren’s eyes fluttered closed as Devlyn drew long, slender fingers through her wavy hair. Things were already becoming more manageable in her mind. They would work through this; her heart wouldn’t accept anything less.

  “What if the kids want to know when they're older?” Lauren asked. “That day is coming, Devlyn.” Her mind was unerringly drawn to the teary conversation she and Ashley had had in Hawaii.

  “Mmm… we agreed to tell them if they ever asked, and I felt they could handle it."

  "And David is okay with them not knowing? Forever?" Lauren found that a little hard to believe, especially considering how close David and Beth were to all the children.

  "David doesn't want to interfere with our family, honey. He wants to be a part of it, and he and Beth are a big part of the kids’ lives. Maybe deep down inside he wishes they knew, but I don’t think he’d ever try to go against our agreement or my wishes on this. He's their Uncle David and they love him. He only wanted to know what would happen to the kids if I died. If that had happened, he and Beth would have raised them. That all changed when you came along. I’d want you to have them.”

  Thoughtfully, Lauren nodded, “I’d want that too. Just don’t let something happen to yourself. I mean it.”

  Devlyn smiled grimly. “I’m being careful.”

  “Be more careful.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” She bent down and kissed Lauren on the forehead.

  "And when you said you wanted more children, you meant with David as the donor?"

  Now Dev felt like squirming. "Not necessarily. We could look at other options, but I’m pretty sure there's still a few decent little swimmers on ice."

  Lauren held up her hand. "Ugh. Never mind that last question, Devlyn. I don’t want to think of David’s swimmers. Besides, that’s getting way too far ahead of ourselves. I need some time to digest all this. I guess I'm not really sure what to think. My head is still spinning."

  "I don’t blame you. And it’s my stomach that’s spinning." She gave Lauren an awkward hug. “I hate it when we fight.”

  "Same here.” Lauren squeezed her back as tightly as she could, not knowing how much she had really needed that until right this second. Finally, they separated and she turned pleading eyes on Devlyn. "I'm going to need beer if I'm going to hear any more revelations tonight, sugar."

  Devlyn touched the tip of Lauren’s nose with her finger. "You’re safe. There’s nothing else. I promise."

  They were quiet for long moments, their attention lost to the fire’s flickering flames and their thoughts.

  Breaking the silence Lauren finally muttered, “Ashley has his eyes.” The slight slurred quality of her voice told Devlyn that she was nearly asleep.

  Dev nodded, not quite sure how she felt about that. Her eyes moved from Lauren’s shadow-dappled face then back to the flames, as her lover’s breathing grew deeper and evened out. “I know.”

  * * *

  Tuesday, August 16, 2022

  DEV SMILED AND shook hands with as many people as she could as she walked the rope line in Atlanta. She was covered in a light sheen of sweat, not only from the heat, but also from the thought that some unknown gunman might be in the crowd… waiting, wanting more than anything to steal the happiness she cherished.

  Fucking shooting, her mind seethed. Nothing will ever be the same. I used to thrive on meeting my constituents and feeling their energy. It actually made me high. Now all I can think of is that this bulletproof vest itches and won’t help me if I take a bullet in the head.

  “I understand, ma’am,” she told an elderly woman who was pumping her hand like there was no tomorrow. “Having an interstate built right through your living room would be a very bad thing. My friend Congressman Preston,” Dev motioned to the lucky candidate who was standing annoyingly close to her as she campaigned on his behalf, “will be happy to hear more of your story and see what we can do to help.” Dev gave him meaningful look. “Won’t you, Rick?”

  The man tried not to wince. “It would be my pleasure, Madam President,” he boomed with all the enthusiasm he could muster.

  Devlyn leaned a little closer to the woman’s ear so the words would be for her alone. “He really will find out what can be done. I promise.”

  The woman beamed, her false teeth shining in the hot sun. “Thank you, Ms. President. I knew you’d understand. Why I told my granddaughter Thelma, she’s the one who is going to college…”

  Prudently, Congressmen Preston intervened so that Devlyn continued to move down the line of people. She offered a wave to the people who couldn’t fight their way to the front of the crowd and hadn’t been waiting there since dawn and gotten a spot along the rope, making eye contact with as many as possible. A suited man bumped into her from the back and her neck hairs bristled in reaction. For some reason the close proximity of the Secret Service agents made her feel itchy and claustrophobic. Guess I’m not as used to their hovering as I thought. Since the assassination attempt, public appearances like this one had been rare and the security intense.

  But gamely, she kept her smile permanently affixed and listened as best she could to comments that ranged from mindless praise to her choice of foreign policy, hairstyles, clothes, and children — not necessarily in that order — to outright hostility. When the end of the line finally came into view, she fought hard not to scream, “Thank God!”

  She’d been on the road for the past four days, stumping for various Emancipation Party congressmen who were up for re-election in the fall. Lauren had accompanied Devlyn to all but the last four states in her 11-state whirlwind tour, but had decided to head back to Washington early in order to have some time to actually write up some of the things she’d observed. She’d taken the children back home with her, and even though it had been less than two days, Devlyn missed them terribly. They’d been playing some kind
of sadistic game of phone tag, leaving non-urgent messages for each other.

  The Senior-Agent-In-Charge discreetly touched Devlyn’s arm and inserted himself between Devlyn and the crowd. "Madam President, we need to go."

  She nodded and, taking a deep breath, stepped around the large man and shook hands with the last people in line. Seconds later, she was inside a fast moving limousine.

  The air inside the luxury car was cool and dry, and she nearly whimpered as she pressed her overheated skin against the soft leather. Most of her aides had taken a car before her in an attempt to use every single extra second to organize things before she arrived at her next destination. In the limo a silent agent sat in each corner of the seat across from her, each man alertly looking out at the dispersing crowd through the one way, bulletproof glass. Thankful for the quiet, her eyes closed without her permission.

  "Madam President?"

  Devlyn whimpered when she heard Liza's soft, hesitant voice. She hadn’t seen her in the car. "Yes?"

  "I’m sorry to interrupt your rest, ma’am, but here are the notes for your next appearance. You’ll be speaking to the UDC. The speech is nearly the same as it was for Charleston City Hall, with the exception of the last page. The changes are highlighted.”

  Dev's head came up and one eyebrow rose as she glanced across the wide seat. "Are any of them still alive?”

  Liza blinked. "In Charleston, ma'am? Your speech wasn’t that bad."

  "No, not in Charleston,” Dev said with a tiny snarl, but couldn’t help but laugh. “I was trying to make a joke about the United Daughters of the Confederacy.”

  “Nice try, ma’am.”

  “Thank you so much, Liza,” Devlyn shot back dryly. “Why the UDC?" Devlyn opened the folder that slid in her direction and scanned the coversheet.

  "Same as usual, ma’am.”

  Dev scanned the information with a grunt. Big supporters, sizeable donation expected for her party, etc., etc….