Always You

by Denise Grover Swank

  “Toby,” he said, his voice low and calm. “Look at me.”

  The boy continued to cry.

  “Toby,” he said, more direct this time. “Can you stop crying so I can talk to you about Ethan?”

  That seemed to stop his hysteria, but his chest still heaved as he struggled to catch his breath.

  “I want you to take a deep breath,” Matt said in a soothing tone. “Can you do that for me?”

  Toby sucked in a breath and pushed it out immediately.

  “That was good, but slower this time.” Matt took his hand and held it tight and maintained eye contact with Toby until his breath was more even. “That a boy,” Matt said with a soft smile. “You were upset with your mother, huh?”

  He nodded, his chest still heaving.

  “Your mom loves you. I bet she loves you more than anything but sometimes things get big and scary, huh?”

  Toby nodded with surprise in his eyes.

  “The next time things get too scary, tell your mom, or if I’m around, you can tell me, too. Okay? We’ll help you before things get scarier.”

  “Okay,” Toby hiccupped.

  “We’ll arrange a playdate for you and Ethan, but not on a school night. Ethan’s not going anywhere. He’s not going to make a new friend and forget about you. He wants to play with you, too.”

  “Okay,” Toby said, sounding calmer.

  Matt got out of the car and Anna flung open the driver’s door, climbing out to intercept him. “How’d you do that? How’d you know what to say?”

  He moved closer and lowered his voice. “Ethan. When he first started staying with me, he raged quite a bit.” A sad smile lifted his lips. “The wife of one of my contractors is a child psychologist, and I asked for her advice. She said he felt like his life was out of control and he had no idea how to process those scary feelings, so they manifested into rage. You saw it yesterday at Chuck E. Cheese. That was his worst one yet. His mother…” His voiced faded and he made a face suggesting he regretted saying so much. He gave her a reluctant smile. “You’re a great mother, Anna. This isn’t your fault.”

  Oh, but it was.

  She swiped at her cheeks again, sure she’d reached her quota on embarrassment for the next two years in less than ten minutes. Plus, she still had to deal with the stupid car. “Can you recommend a tow truck service?”

  “Is something wrong with your car?”

  “It won’t start.”

  He hesitated, then said, “Let me take a look.”

  “No,” she said emphatically. “That was not my subtle way of trying to get you to look at my car. It was a straightforward question.”

  He put his hand on her upper arm, and surprise filled his eyes then they darkened. “I know.” His fingers dug in slightly and he moved a step closer. “You never played games when we were together, and I always appreciated your straightforwardness, which was why I was so shocked when…”

  When she turned down his proposal. She shook her head. “Never mind. I’ll just check inside the glove box and see if Dad has had it towed before.”

  His grip on her arm tightened. “Anna.”

  She paused, if for no other reason than his hand was on her arm, and as pathetic as it was, she’d missed his touch. But she could swear he’d been affected by touching her, too.

  Glancing around him to check on Toby, she saw that a few mothers were still in the parking lot, watching their exchange with open curiosity. “You’re going to be the source of gossip at the next practice.”

  “You know I never cared about that shit. I still don’t.” He gave her a sad smile. “Believe it or not, a year ago I was the topic of much bigger gossip than this. I can handle it.” He paused. “I guess the real question is if you want to deal with it.”

  “Can I handle women jealous over a nonexistent relationship?” She gave him a wry grin. “Please, in my world, I deal with misogynistic assholes without batting an eye. These women are nothing.”

  “Then there’s no reason I can’t check out your car before you call a tow truck, now, is there?”

  But it was too close…too much like the times he’d helped her with her car before, making the pain of losing him even more agonizing.

  When she didn’t answer, he walked around her and got behind the wheel of the car. A few seconds later she heard the hood pop open, and Matt got out and walked around to the front of the car.

  He lifted the hood and looked around, then closed her hood again. “Sadly, I haven’t learned any mechanic skills since we were together. My knowledge is limited to rudimentary skills like jump-starting a car. Are the cables attached? Are the oil and gas in the proper tanks?” He grinned. “It seems all the above are in order.”

  “Thanks for looking,” she said sincerely. “Now if you have a recommendation…”

  “Actually, Tyler’s dad has a mechanic’s shop. An old car like this…Tyler’s dad’s pretty old school, not to mention he’s good and reasonable.”

  “Okay. Just tell me the name of the tow service and the garage, and I’ll call them right away.”

  But Matt already had his phone out and was tapping on the screen.

  “I can call a tow truck, Matt.” She didn’t mean for it to sound so defensive.

  But he just smiled and lifted the phone to his ear. “I know you can.” His expression changed. “Hello? Yes, I need a car towed to Norris Garage on Highway 40.” He gave them the directions then hung up. “He said he’d be here in about fifteen minutes.”

  “Thanks.”

  “We should get Toby out. Maybe he’ll be happy that he gets to ride with Ethan.”

  She squirmed. “Matt. You’ve done more than enough to help.”

  “Do you have someone to come pick you up?”

  Ashley came to mind, but she’d mentioned she was doing something with her parents and sister tonight. “We’ll be fine.” She could call a taxi or an Uber.

  Without saying a word, Matt opened the back door and poked his head in. “Guess what? Ethan and I get to take you home.”

  “Really?” she heard her son ask in excitement.

  “Yep. So we have to get you out before the tow truck comes.”

  He climbed farther into the car, then emerged seconds later with Toby and his booster seat.

  “You don’t have to do this, Matt.”

  He glanced at her with a nearly expressionless face. “I know.”

  By the time the tow truck arrived, Matt had both boys buckled next to each other in the backseat of his truck. A light rain began to fall.

  “You can wait in the truck, Anna,” he said. “I’ll make sure he’s got everything he needs.”

  “Matt. I’m not some helpless female.”

  “You are the farthest thing from a helpless female I know. Yesterday I had a bad day and you stepped up and helped me. I’m only repaying the debt.”

  She suspected there was more to it, that this had far more to do with the fact he was a genuinely nice guy. She’d always appreciated and respected that about him before. Twelve years and a whole lot of life experience later, she appreciated it even more. “Thank you.”

  She got into the cab of the truck, relieved that Toby was more like himself and talking to Ethan about the spaceship drill. But if Matt was right, she wondered if she should take him to see a child psychologist. What if his absent father and moving here then back to England screwed him up for life? His acting out was a sure sign that he was in turmoil.

  The rain began to fall in earnest. The driver’s door opened, and Matt climbed in, rain droplets clinging to his hair and rolling off his jacket. “All set,” he said as he started the truck.

  Anna resisted the urge to reach up and brush the water from his hair.

  “Uncle Matt,” Ethan said, leaning forward and straining against his seat belt. “Can Toby eat dinner with us tonight?”

  Anna worried she would set off Toby again when she told Ethan they had to go home, but Matt beat her to it.

  “Not tonight, bi
g guy. School night.”

  “Mummy?” Toby asked.

  Anna tensed, prepared to deal with the fallout. “You heard Coach Matt. Maybe next weekend. Okay?”

  “Plus you’ll see each other at school tomorrow,” Matt said, “and practice Tuesday night.”

  All this forced togetherness was killing her.

  The boys talked about their teacher while Matt drove them to her father’s house without asking for directions.

  “You remembered where my father lives,” she said in surprise.

  “Of course,” he said without further explanation.

  By the time he pulled into the driveway, the rain had begun to pour down.

  “I don’t have an umbrella in the truck,” he said with regret as he stared at the front door.

  “Real men don’t need umbrellas,” she teased.

  He grinned, that lazy, confidant smile that had always sent flutters through her stomach. Time hadn’t changed that. She was playing a dangerous game.

  His grin faded as he said, “Let me know when the car’s fixed, and I’ll help you pick it up.”

  “Thanks,” she said, but she didn’t plan to call him. She needed to cut this off, and the sooner the better. In fact, she was regretting asking him to meet her on Wednesday. Talk about self-torture.

  He leaned into the back and helped Toby unbuckle his seat belt then pulled the booster seat into the front. “You and Toby can make a run for the front door, and I’ll carry the booster seat for you.”

  Anna took it from him and looked away so he couldn’t see how hard this was for her. “There’s no sense in you getting any wetter than you already are. Besides, Toby’s about to take a bath, so he’ll be wet anyway. We’ll be fine.” She paused and looked into his face, hoping her words conveyed her sincerity. “Thank you for everything you’ve done…you’ve been so generous…I don’t know how—”

  “Anna.” His warm eyes held hers. “Let’s pick this up Wednesday night.”

  His words could have sounded ominous. Instead they sounded promising.

  Chapter Twelve

  Matt was a good five minutes early, only making himself look even more like a desperate loser.

  Anna hadn’t asked him to help get her car and Tuesday’s practice had been rained out. Matt hadn’t seen or talked to her since Sunday night when he’d dropped her and Ethan off at her father’s other than the mass text he sent about canceling practice (to which she didn’t respond) and his text early today asking if they were still meeting tonight and, if so, they could meet at Starbucks at seven.

  Her response: Thank you.

  Thank you. What the hell did that mean? She was the one who’d asked him to meet her, but after the way they’d parted on Sunday night, he wasn’t sure she still wanted to go through with it. What if it had been one of those spur-of-the-moment requests? The one you regret after a good night’s sleep.

  He sat at a table, slipping off his jacket in the too warm room and contemplating sending her a text to cancel when he saw her walk through the door. All reasonable thought fled his brain, and sitting back in his chair, he knew he wasn’t going anywhere. The truth was he was at Anna’s mercy. He always had been, and apparently, he still was.

  What an idiot.

  She saw him sitting at the table for two and headed toward him. She was wearing jeans that clung to her shapely legs and a pale blue shirt that did amazing things to her complexion. Her blond hair hung in loose waves to her shoulder, and she nervously tucked a strand behind her ear. “Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  She gestured to the counter. “I’m going to get a drink. I see you already got one. I was going to pay for yours, but you already got one.” She paused and grimaced. “I already said that. I’m nervous. I guess I shouldn’t have admitted that either.”

  Seeing her like this—betraying a rare moment of uncertainty when she was usually confident—reminded him of the woman he’d fallen in love with. He’d been drawn to her confidence back then and humbled when she felt comfortable enough to let down her guard and show him her rare moments of self-doubt. But he’d also been drawn to her utter goodness. She was a package of sexy and sweet, and he found her just as irresistible now as he’d found her back then.

  He stood and reached for her hand before he realized what he was doing and dropped his hand in an awkward move.

  She was leaving. She was flying across a damn ocean, and who knew when she’d ever be back, yet all he could think about was unfastening the buttons on her shirt so he could see more of her.

  He fisted his hands to keep from acting on his thought. “It’s okay, Anna. I’m not going to bite.” Damn. Wrong choice of words, because he was dying to lower his mouth to her full lips and rake his teeth across them.

  She looked up into his eyes, and her lips parted, then she seemed to remember why she was here and took a step back. “I’m going to get a drink.”

  He almost offered to walk her to the counter, but he needed to let her set the boundaries here, and he needed to let her give her explanation. There was no doubt she had destroyed him when she’d turned down his proposal, but seeing her now and getting to know her again over the last few days, he knew she hadn’t changed. He had no idea why she’d really turned him down, but she hadn’t turned into the cold-hearted bitch he’d made her out to be.

  She was back a few minutes later with a tea bag label sticking out from under the lid on her cup.

  “You’ve learned to like tea?” he asked in surprise. “You used to hate it.”

  She eyed him as though looking for some hint of accusation, and he purposely kept his posture casual and nonconfrontational.

  Shrugging, she lifted the lid off her cup and checked inside before putting the lid back on. “Couldn’t be helped, I guess.”

  “What’s the best part of living in London?”

  She sat back and eyed him for several seconds before she said, “You’re serious.”

  “Yes.”

  She was quiet for a moment then smiled. “That’s so hard to answer. There’s no one big thing, more like lots of little things.”

  “Such as?”

  Her smile spread. “High tea, for one. They have the best scones.” She pointed in the direction of the bakery case. “Those things are sad imposters. And they serve them with clotted cream, which is like butter but twenty times more delicious and a fat content so high it should be illegal. And then there’s the architecture and the history.”

  “You loved European history,” he said with a genuine smile.

  Sadness filled her eyes. “We talked about touring Europe after we graduated.”

  Instead he’d proposed. For the first time he wondered if they would still be together if he’d taken it slower. Or if he’d tried to understand why she’d said no.

  “Have you traveled much of Europe?” he asked.

  Again, she studied him as though trying to determine if he’d set a trap. “Not as much as I would have liked. In the beginning, I was working insane hours trying to prove myself. Once I was established…I don’t know…it seemed like a lot of work. I wanted to relax. Then Toby came along, and I didn’t want to travel alone with a toddler.” She glanced down at her cup then back up into his eyes. “Matt, I owe you an apology of epic proportions.”

  “Actually,” he said softly, “I think maybe I owe you one instead.”

  Her mouth parted in surprise. He was pretty sure that was the last thing she’d expected him to say.

  It was the last thing he’d expected to say. He’d been stubborn and stupid. Why had he presumed the worst of her? The woman he’d grown to love would never callously hurt someone, and there was every indication that, at her core, she was still that woman.

  “I’m serious,” he said. “I was so busy consoling and coddling myself over how I’d been wronged, I never once stopped to think about how badly you had to be hurting, too.”

  “I…I don’t know what to say.” Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “I never wanted to hu
rt you, Matt.”

  “I know.” And he did. Why did it take him so long to see it?

  “Those fourteen months with you were the happiest of my life. But I was offered that job in London and I wanted it, really wanted it.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked quietly. “Why didn’t you tell me you were considering it?”

  “It’s like I told you when you proposed. I knew you wanted to come back home and work with your dad. And I knew if I came back that I was never leaving, you know? I knew that if I was going to see the world, that was the time to do it.” She gave him a sad smile. “The irony is I’ve seen a lot of the inside of my office, which admittedly has a great view of the London Eye and Parliament, but I’ve given my life to my job.”

  “Did you mean it when you said you weren’t sure about getting married and having kids?” he asked. “We’d talked about it, Anna—getting married, having kids. I never once got the impression you didn’t want those things. You have to know that hit me out of nowhere.”

  She leaned back and cupped her tea with both hands even though the shop was too warm. “I know. I’m sorry.” She took a sip of her tea then set down the cup. “I knew about the job several days before you proposed. I was confused about whether to take it or not, so I called my mother.” She frowned, her brow creasing as she glanced down at the cup. “I should have known better. She told me I was foolish to even consider it, that I was throwing something good away. You.” She glanced up at him with glassy eyes. “The thing is, I knew she was right. I knew it deep in my soul, but she kept pushing marriage and kids and telling me that I’d screwed up my priorities. So I rebelled and told her I didn’t want to get married and have kids. And while I was saying it to her, it sounded right. It sounded true. I didn’t want to be tied down like she had been. But when I said it to you, I wasn’t so sure anymore. Even so, I knew I needed to go to London. I couldn’t marry you because I was afraid of living a larger life than my mother dared to have. I needed to marry you for the right reasons.”

  “For the right reasons? You didn’t love me?” he asked, feeling pathetic for asking.