Breathe

by Tracey E. Chambers

  She looked at me disbelievingly and looked down at my hand gripping her arm, silently demanding to be released. I eased my grip, but I didn’t release her.

  “I am going to walk you in,” I spoke slowly, hoping to reassure her. “Everything is going to be alright. Let’s go.”

  She continued staring at me, slack-jawed for a few seconds. When it finally registered, that I meant to go in the house with her, she jerked her arm way from my grasp and this time, I let go. She shook her head, incredulous that I was even contemplating such a thing. When she finally spoke it came out in a rush.

  “Have you lost your mind?!? You saw what happened last time Jack saw you. If you try to step one foot in the door he is going to go ballistic. No way! Just let me handle it,” She insisted.

  She meant it too. She had every intention of going in there and being subjected to more abuse after the last episode left her barely able to walk. Incredible. It wasn’t going to happen. Never again.

  “No, no way. I’m coming in with you this time. I’m not going to let him hurt you. If I had known last time…”

  My voice broke and I couldn’t utter the words to finish my thought, so I just looked away and left it unspoken. I reached under the seat for the disposable phone I bought at Walgreens earlier and slid it into her hand.

  “Here, I put my number in the contacts list. If your step-dad steps one foot in your room or threatens you in anyway, I want you to call me immediately. I live less than five minutes away and if you need me, I can be here in three.”

  Before I finished my sentence, she shook her head and tried to hand the phone back to me. I refused to take it.

  “I am not allowed to have a phone Logan. Besides, I can’t afford one anyway,” she refused to meet my eyes as she explained.

  “Jack doesn’t have to know and all the minutes are prepaid. It’s done. Please, just do this for me. I need to know that you are safe,” I implored.

  She mutely stared at me for several seconds. I could see the wheels turning in her head as she desperately tried to think of a way to refuse the phone. I was relieved when she finally nodded her head in defeat. She put the phone in her pocket and looked away toward the front door.

  “I have the phone now, you don’t have to walk me in. Thanks for the phone and the beach. ”

  She managed to smile before she turned and took a few steps toward the house, dismissing me.

  I jogged a couple steps to catch up to her. When she heard me coming behind her, she stopped suddenly and turned back towards me. Her head was tilted slightly, silently questioning my sanity. I reached my hand out toward her praying she wouldn’t reject me. Bethany considered her options for a few seconds before she ended my misery and put her hand in mine. She took a deep breath before resuming her trek towards the house.

  “It’s your funeral. Let’s hope it isn’t mine too,” she muttered under her breath just loud enough for me to hear.

  Jack was his usual charming self. He looked up from the couch and growled.

  “Who the hell invited you into my house?”

  Bethany didn’t even acknowledge him, but I felt her immediately stiffen. I gave her hand what I hoped was a reassuring squeeze before I graced him with a reply. I turned and looked him straight in the eye.

  “I just wanted to apologize for getting Bethany home so late on a school night,” I confronted him directly.

  The vicious snarl on Jack’s face was replaced with one of shock. He didn’t utter another word as I nudged Bethany forward toward her bedroom door. She finally started moving stiffly past him and toward the hallway.

  As soon as we made it to her room I went over to the window, unlocked it and tried to open it. It was jammed, so it took some force to finally open a crack. Once I pried it a few inches, it slid open the rest of the way easily. Bethany sat still on her bed expecting Jack to come charging in. Every instinct I had was screaming for me to go back in the living room and beat her sorry excuse for a step-dad until he couldn’t hurt her ever again. That would probably just land me in jail and leave Bethany at the mercy of an angry Jack. Unfortunately, I had to tolerate him for Bethany’s sake until I could figure out how to get her out of her current living situation.

  “If Jack gives you any grief, get out this window and call me immediately. He may be bigger than you, but I bet that beer belly slows him down.”

  She finally looked my way for the first time since we entered the house. All she offered in response was a slow nod of her head. I searched around her room for something to bar the door to keep Jack out or at least slow him down. It would give her precious seconds to get out of the house.

  “I’m getting a lock on your door tomorrow but for now maybe we can push your dresser against it to keep him out. Do you need to go to the bathroom or anything before I lock you in for the night?”

  She slowly walked over to her dresser, took out some pjs and made her way towards the bathroom. I stuck my head out the door until I was satisfied her step father wasn’t going to follow her. In less than five minutes she was back in her room with her pjs on and her hair pulled up in a loose pony tail. She never looked more gorgeous.

  Performing a task as mundane as getting ready for bed seemed to pull her out of her fog a bit. She had uncertainty in her eyes when she spoke for the first time since we entered the house.

  “Logan, how are you going to put a lock on my door without Jack going berserk?”

  “It will be fine. I’ll put it on tomorrow after I drop you home. Now, let’s shut this door, and I’ll help you put the dresser in front of the door before I leave,” I reassured her.

  She looked at me like I had lost my mind, but she complied by shutting the door with the back of her foot. She took a few steps sideways to give me some space to get to her dresser that was on the same wall as her door. After I shoved the dresser in front of the door, I quickly placed a kiss on her forehead and was out the window before she could protest. On my way to my car, I saw Jack watching me from the front porch. He looked furious enough to kill me, but he kept his mouth shut and quietly closed the front door as I got in my car.

  Driving away from her house that night was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It felt wrong to leave Bethany when she was in danger. Once again, I went over the options in my mind. It came down to getting her out of the house or reporting the abuse. Bethany was barely fifteen, a minor, so legally her mother and Jack could force her to come back to live with them. If she went into foster care there was no telling where she would end up, and her situation might not be any better than the one she was in now. I knew there had to be a better answer, but I just couldn’t come up with the right one.

  I came home to an empty house. My dad traveled a lot so it wasn’t unusual for him to be gone for weeks at a time. I rearmed the elaborate alarm system my dad always insisted on and made my way upstairs to get ready for bed. It would have been nice to confide in him and ask for his advice, but I knew he wouldn’t approve of my relationship with Bethany. He was adamantly opposed to me dating because we moved around so much. Besides he wasn’t here to talk to anyway.

  That night it was impossible for me to sleep. I tossed and turned. I couldn’t seem to get comfortable. I was anxious about Bethany’s safety. Had I done the right thing leaving her there? Was she safe? The minutes passed, and I found myself staring up at the ceiling. I kept playing different scenarios in my head. Would she have to go to the bathroom and struggle to move the dresser only to find Jack waiting to pounce? What if she was lying awake too? Was she afraid? Jack could be beating her right now!

  I bolted out of bed, threw some shorts and a t-shirt on, and jumped in my car. I parked at the end of her street and jogged to her house. Everything seemed quiet as I made my way to her window that was still slightly ajar. The only sounds I heard were crickets and cicadas chirping along with the random sound of the air conditioner fan clicking off and on. I glanced in and noticed the dresser was still blocking the door and her lamp was still on.
>
  As I looked at her through the window I was mesmerized by her. Bethany had kicked off her covers and was on her side facing away from the window. There was a book above her head on the pillow and her arm was covering her eyes. She was still wearing the light tank top and shorts she changed into before I left earlier. I noticed a few strands of hair had escaped her pony tail when I caught sight of her neck.

  Even in the faint light, I could see red whelps on the back of her neck. As my eyes continued to travel down her back, I saw more red marks crisscrossing her shoulders. The sight of her skin so abused made my stomach lurch. I was enraged by the time I saw the back of her legs. Every square inch of her legs were covered in angry red lines and scabs. He had actually beaten her until she bled. I had never wanted to kill anyone in my life, but at that moment I could have happily killed Jack and never feel and ounce of remorse.

  Reflecting back on it, Bethany had been careful never to turn her back to me after she returned from the bathroom. She was still trying to hide the extent of her abuse from me. Watching now through the window, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her back. I wanted to crawl through the window and hold her. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was that I was too late to stop it.

  Eventually, I had to turn and look away from the brutal evidence of her suffering. I turned and looked up at the stars and wondered how Bethany had come to mean so much to me. My every thought was of her. She was my obsession. Here I was in the middle of the night, sitting by her open window like a stalker. I had become one of the poor saps I used to secretly pity. I had it bad.

  I sat down outside her window with only hungry mosquitos and the occasional bark of a dog to keep me company. I must have dozed off eventually because I was startled awake by her cries. I quickly looked inside her room to find that she had turned over, facing towards me. Her eyes were still closed as tears seeped from them. Without thinking, I eased open her window and knelt beside her bed softly wiping the tears from her face.

  “Shhh….I am here. You’re safe,” I whispered reassuringly.

  After chanting those same words, over and over, after what must have been dozens of times, I was relieved when her whimpering finally subsided. It could have been wishful thinking, but I thought I heard her murmur my name when she turned over and went back into a more peaceful sleep. I made my way back outside. It would be a bit awkward if she woke up and found me in her room. That one would be fun to explain.

  I sat outside her window until the sky turned a deep purple just before dawn. Somehow I made it back to the car and managed to drive myself home before I fell asleep. My last thought before I crawled into my bed was--no one is ever going to hurt her like that again. I would have called you a liar if you told me the next person to hurt Bethany would be me.

  Chapter Seven

  BETHANY

  I woke up the next morning slightly shocked to find my dresser still pushed up against the door and my bedroom window still ajar. The sun was streaming in the window and it was still early enough for the breeze coming from my window to feel cool. Gingerly, I sat up in bed, testing my back for soreness. It was a little better than yesterday, still painful, but nothing I couldn’t handle.

  For the first time in months I slept all through the night. The fact that Jack let me sleep without at least screaming at me for going out with Logan was nothing less than a miracle. Having to leave the sanctuary of my room to get ready for school made me a little apprehensive. I fully expected to get another beating for disobeying Jack’s order to stay away from Logan, but I was in no hurry to pay the price for my rebellion. Jack was always passed out when I got ready for school in the morning, but I still intended to be cautious.

  My dresser was heavy. Somehow I managed to wedge it away from the door enough to slip out of my room. I grabbed some clothes and dashed to the bathroom. The house was silent except for my pounding heart. The soft click of the bathroom lock seemed to echo down the hall. Steaming hot water from the shower felt amazing on my aching back as the stiff muscles began to loosen up. I closed my eyes and let myself indulge in the luxury of just not thinking for a few minutes. All I had to worry about in those precious seconds was breathing in and out.

  Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay in here forever so I reluctantly dried off and managed to get dressed pretty quickly. I wished I could wear my hair up, but the ugly red marks on my neck were pretty vivid, so I took the time to put gel in my wild hair and tried to tame it. I tucked the sides behind my ears in the fruitless hope that it would stay put. I was anxious to get out of the house before anyone woke up, so I just swiped on some mascara and lip gloss. I listened by the door before I quietly cracked it open to make sure Jack wasn’t lurking outside. I was surprised to find my mother outside the door, waiting for me.

  “Good morning sleepy head. You better hurry up or you are going to be late for school.”

  She actually smiled at me when she said it. It was kind of creeping me out. My only reply was to stare at her dumbfounded. She sighed and shook her head in disbelief as she delivered her astounding news.

  “I don’t know how you managed it, but Jack said you could go out as long as you are home by ten every night,” she informed me with a shrug of her shoulders.

  “Please don’t be late, though, you know how angry he gets when you don’t respect his rules,” she added with a grimace.

  I was in such a state of shock I was still not capable of speech. Jack was allowing me go somewhere besides school? His only stipulation was that I had to be home by ten? Should I pinch myself to make sure I was awake? Did I wake up in some alternate universe? That made more sense than anything that had come out of my mother’s mouth this morning. My head was spinning, but I managed a slight nod as I grabbed my backpack and made my way out the door.

  My other worldly morning continued when I noticed Logan’s Mustang sitting at the end of the driveway. He was leaning up against his car, arms crossed with that devastatingly handsome grin on his face. He stood up as I approached and took a small step toward me. I froze when he started to reach out for me. I wasn’t ready for that this morning. Thankfully, he quickly shoved his hands in his pockets before he offered me a tentative smile.

  “Morning Beth, want a ride?”

  No one had every called me Beth before, I think I liked it, but I wasn’t quite sure. My mind was still trying to process everything that had happened this morning. I opened my mouth, but my traitorous brain refused to come up with a single thing to say. So there I stood, my mouth hanging open, like it had been most of the morning, desperately hoping to wake up from this dream now, no matter how nice it had been up to this point. Hey, I wasn’t picky--swallowed by a sinkhole, struck by lightning, anything would suffice as long as it ended my utter embarrassment. My befuddled state seemed to amuse him. He looked at the ground as he took a couple more tentative steps my way. He was failing miserably at suppressing his smirk.

  “Can I give you a ride to school today?”

  He enunciated each word like he was talking to a two year-old. Speaking at a speed my brain could comprehend seemed to snap me out of my funk. No doubt my skin was flushed a brilliant shade of red by now.

  “Sure,” I agreed. “Apparently, I am running a little late this morning.”

  After a few seconds of awkward silence, my curiosity became stronger than my embarrassment, and I risked a glace Logan’s way. He was looking me over from head to toe. Not in a disrespectful way, but a discerning one. He was checking for signs of injury. I must have passed inspection. His smile grew bigger when his examination returned to my face. I found myself returning his smile. He nodded his head once, like he was satisfied that I was okay before walking over to the passenger side door to open it for me.

  Wordlessly, he reached for my backpack and slid it into the backseat before he reached under my arms to help me into the seat. Honestly, I had forgotten all about my back after I left the bathroom this morning. Everything since then had been dreamlike. As I sat down I had to suppress a groan, th
e pain was a little worse than when I first woke up. Yeah, I was definitely not dreaming, no need to pinch myself. Logan started the car and patiently waited for me to put my seatbelt on before we headed to school.

  I used the short car ride to try and make some sense out of what had happened this morning. Was it possible Jack had realized he’d gone too far this time and given me more freedom out of guiIt? It was more likely some sick joke he was playing. He would be waiting for me when I got home to laugh in my face and mete out some new horrific punishment his twisted mind devised. A tiny voice in my head let myself believe, just for a second that maybe, just maybe, Jack really meant what he said, and I could spend more time away from the house that was never a home to me. I quickly quashed it. Hope would destroy me if I let it. I was going to enjoy my freedom while it lasted, but I refused to lie to myself or pretend.

  When we pulled up to the school, Logan reached across me and I sank into the seat as far as I could manage. He pretended not to notice my discomfort as he reached into the glove box and pulled out a small bottle of Advil. He was a little embarrassed when he placed the bottle in my hand.

  “I wasn’t sure if you would remember to bring any to school today, and I don’t think I can take another day of watching you suffer like you did yesterday,” he sheepishly admitted.

  I felt another piece of the wall around my heart crumble. Could this guy be real? I was at a loss for words as usual, so I just grabbed the bottle, and managed a strangled,

  “Thank you,” as I crushed the bottle to my chest.

  The bottle he had given me yesterday was still sitting on my dresser at home.

  The rest of the day was a repeat of the day before, Logan walked me to every class carrying my backpack like my personal assistant. People gawked at us all day. We were a puzzle they were trying to solve. When the final bell rang, I caught myself looking forward to seeing him. The idea that he would be waiting on me made me smile as I made my way out the door. There he was, leaning against the wall outside of my classroom. When he heard the door open he looked up from his phone. He made me blush with his next words.