Breathe

by Tracey E. Chambers

  “I love to see you smile.”

  He pushed away from the wall and held his hand out to me. He looked a little vulnerable; he was afraid I would reject him. I hesitated for a second, and he started to pull his hand pack just as I gathered enough courage to put my hand in his. He laced his fingers through mine, took my backpack out of my hands and led me to his car.

  There were still a few people milling around the parking lot and staring at us like we had three heads. At first Logan didn’t seem to notice or care. After he opened the door for me, his eyes slid over to the car next to us. The guy sitting in the car had been staring at us, but he quickly became engrossed in his phone. Logan looked over at me and shook his head laughing.

  We were on the square before I knew it and parked outside the dinner.

  “I don’t know about you but since we skip lunch every day, by the time we get out of school I am starving. You want to grab something to eat?”

  Since I started high school, I skipped lunch to avoid being the social outcast who ate alone. I usually ate a sandwich as soon as I got home from school.

  “You know, you don’t have to skip lunch on my account.”

  He sighed, exasperated.

  “Anywhere you are is where I want to be. If you want to spend our lunch period in the library that’s where I will be. Now, if you decide to EAT during our lunch period, I’ll be there too.”

  He winked at me as he opened his car door. As we made our way to the diner, we both reached for the door at the same time.

  “Ladies first,” he announced as he swept the door open for me.

  I spent a good deal of my time trying to blend in and be invisible. It felt very awkward to have someone treat me like I was important to them. I didn’t know how to react, but deep down my heart was beating a little stronger. It felt good to matter. I would have to be very careful not to get used to it.

  After the waitress handed us our menu, my heart sunk down to my feet. I had been so busy staring at Logan and wallowing in my new sense of freedom that I forgot I didn’t have any money. Logan studied the menu while my mind frantically raced to find a way out of this predicament. I should have known he would come to my rescue.

  “The fajitas here are awesome and the portions they give you are huge. Want to share an order?”

  There was no hope for it, I was just going to have to fess up and tell him I didn’t have any money. Before I could open my mouth, he added,

  “I hope you won’t mind, but this is my treat, okay?”

  My sense of pride wanted me to refuse, but I knew I didn’t want to go home and face Jack yet. A meal would mean a few more minutes of precious freedom.

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  There were a few kids in the diner that I recognized from school and a few even said “hello”. They were looking at Logan when they said it. It was ironic. I went to the same school with these kids since elementary school and rarely exchanged more than two words with anyone. Logan was here for a few weeks, and he was already making friends.

  I firmly reminded myself that was the way I wanted it. When you are in survival mode, friends are a luxury you cannot afford. Now Logan was my friend. It was thrilling and terrifying at the same time. He was a risk I wasn’t sure I’d be able to take.

  The food made it out pretty quickly, and we both dug in with gusto. I made a mental note to pack a lunch for tomorrow. It was one thing for me to suffer through missing lunch, but I could not let Logan starve every day just because he insisted on spending lunch with me. Besides, now I didn’t have to eat alone anymore. That thought warmed my heart more than I would ever care to admit to anyone. In between bites Logan blurted out,

  “Do you want to hang out at my house today? My dad is out of town, and we would have the place to ourselves.”

  All my warm and fuzzy feelings about Logan managed to fly out the window in an instant. I got up from the table and stormed out of the diner. Angry tears welled up in my eyes as I ruthlessly swiped at them. Luckily, the walk home wasn’t too far from the center of town. Stupid, stupid, stupid! What was I doing here? I knew better!!! I should have known all this nice guy crap was just a way to get me to have sex with him. He must have thought I would be so grateful to have a guy like him pay any attention to me that I would fall into bed with him at a snap of his fingers. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Jack was right. This guy just wanted one thing from me.

  I hadn’t made it a block before I heard footsteps behind me. I guess I should’ve known he wasn’t giving up that easily. I took a deep breath and deliberately slowed my pace. I refused to back down or run from him like the scared little girl I felt like on the inside.

  “Come on Beth. I thought by now you would give me a little credit. All I am asking from you is to spend some time with you to get to know you better. If you don’t want to come to my house, we can hang out at the park or anywhere else you want to go.”

  He sounded so sincere, I felt like an idiot. In my world, assuming the worst made sure you were never disappointed. Maybe I had misjudged his motives. Maybe. I decided a little brutal honesty was in order.

  “Look, I assume the worst because that is what I’m used to Logan. I’m not interested in a boyfriend, and I am NOT sleeping with you. If that is what you want, you are wasting your time.”

  He nodded towards the gazebo in the middle of the square,

  “Okay, that’s fair enough. Can we just sit down and talk? Don’t I deserve a chance to defend myself?”

  My reply was to cross the street and make my way to the gazebo. Logan followed a couple of steps behind and we sat on a bench beside the fountain. I wasn’t brave enough to look at him, so I focused on a couple of kids kicking a soccer ball around at the park right next to us. We sat there for a couple of minutes before Logan spoke.

  “I like you, a lot. I am not interested in you because I want to get laid. Sorry if it sounds conceited but there are girls in this school that I could easily get that from. When I do go that far, it is going to be with someone I am spending the rest of my life with. I just want to spend time with you, that’s all I am asking. We don’t have to put a label on our relationship. “

  Wow. Did he just admit to me that he was a virgin? For a guy, admitting that to anyone was close to social suicide. It just didn’t make any sense. I was fairly ordinary in the looks department, my family treated me like mud on their shoe, and I had zero friends. I couldn’t figure out what this guy could possibly see in me. Knowing I would regret it later, I decided anywhere was better than going home.

  “Okay Logan. Let’s go to your house. “

  He stood up and held his hand out to me, and we walked hand in hand back towards his car.

  His house was huge. It was only few miles from mine, but it was like a different world. He lived in the ‘historic’ part of our little town in a grand old home of one of the town’s founders. It was two stories, except for the turret that went another couple stories higher than the rest of the house. It was painted a cheerful yellow with white trim. It was at least five times bigger than the dilapidated little farmhouse I lived in. I hopped out of the car before he could come around and open the door for me.

  The heavy steal front door looked out of place compared to the rest of the house. Logan placed his finger on the small red pad at the top of the deadbolt before he turned the knob to get inside. I had rarely seen a locked door in our town much less a high tech security system. Living in a small town gives most people the illusion of security. Maybe Logan’s family had valuables in the house to protect.

  The inside of the historic house was just as amazing as the outside. There was beautiful hand carved wood everywhere and what looked like original mantle pieces over the fireplaces. I expected to see a lot of antiques in the interior to compliment the original wood moldings, but instead I was greeted with minimalist chrome and black leather in the living room, dominated by an immense TV that had to be five or six feet across. The surprise must have showed on my face.

  “D
on’t ask me why Dad wanted this old place. Two guys aren’t really into decorating,” he explained.

  “So you live with your dad?”

  I was a bit surprised. I expected a boy that was so considerate and well-mannered had to have a woman’s influence.

  “Yeah, my mom died when I was seven, so it’s just me and my dad now,” he answered softly.

  I could hear the pain in his voice when he said it. I felt really bad for even asking about it. I just assumed this guy must have had a great life with his awesome car and nice house, but all along he had his own burdens to bear. The thought was humbling. I felt really uncomfortable so I did what I did best in awkward situations, stay silent.

  The silence was overwhelming, I was grateful when he changed the subject afterward.

  “Hey, we didn’t get to finish our fajitas, do you want something else to eat?”

  “I could eat.”

  I followed him through the living room into the kitchen. The kitchen was pretty bare. It had old white cabinets that were probably put in during the sixties, a microwave on the counter, and a coffeepot next to a sink full of dishes. He opened a sleek, stainless steel refrigerator that looked sadly out of place and took stock of what they had for snacks. He looked back at me with a sheepish grin and opened the door a little wider to show me that my choices were fairly limited--milk, some ketchup, mustard, and whatever was in the cardboard box.

  “Okay, I’ll take what’s in box number one, provided it’s less than a week old,” I said with a smirk.

  “Great choice, it’s from last night,” the pain in his voice had vanished.

  He warmed up a couple of pieces in the microwave and put them down on the glass topped kitchen table. A couple of glasses of ice water followed. I wasn’t the best conversationalist, but I decided to give it a try.

  “Well, it looks like I’ve been given a get out of hell pass for a while.”

  He almost choked on his pizza in response. He grabbed his glass of water and tried to wash the pizza down. Okay, so my rusty social skills could use some work. I attempted to clarify

  “Mom told me out of the blue this morning that I’m allowed to go out as long as I’m home by ten.”

  The news didn’t stun Logan the way it did me, but he did seem pleased once he managed to get the pizza down. He only had a small taste of Jack was like, so I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t realize how huge this news was.

  “That’s great. Why don’t you seem happy about it?”

  I shrugged my shoulders in response.

  “I would be happy if I believed it. I’ve never been allowed anywhere outside of school or home unless I’m with my mom or Jack. It is just not like Jack to suddenly decide to give me some freedom. There has to be a catch or some kind of sick joke. I just can’t quite figure out which it is.”

  He seemed to digest my answer for a minute before he responded thoughtfully.

  “Why don’t we just enjoy it while it lasts then, just take one day at a time?”

  That was fine for him, but I couldn’t help but wonder about the high price Jack would demand for my freedom. I was still recovering from his last assault. I’d never feared for my life before but after last time, I was beginning to wonder if I would live to see my own graduation. I was shaken out of my musings by his next statement.

  “Beth, he will not hurt you. Never again.”

  His eyes met mine with probing intensity. He spoke so fiercely that I could almost believe him. I turned my attention back to my pizza, breaking eye contact. I refused to look up, but I knew he was still studying me closely.

  Being the object of someone’s attention was very disconcerting. I was only able to choke down a couple bites of pizza under his close scrutiny. Since I couldn’t eat, I decided I would just stare right back at him. Big mistake. I expected him to look away. Instead, if anything, his stare became more intense, he was daring me to look away. His eyes were such a deep, dark brown, framed by those ridiculously long eyelashes. They were easy to get lost in. What started as a challenge became something more intimate. The shell I carefully crafted to help me cope with life was invisible to him. Somehow he managed to get past my defenses. It was terrifying.

  For the first time in my life, I wanted to be brave enough to risk the heartache. I wanted something I refused to admit, even to myself as I reached out across the table towards Logan and lay my hand down palm up. Before the back of my hand hit the table, he grasped it and brought it up to his lips. When he brushed a kiss on the back of my hand, I felt my fluttering heart skip a beat.

  Chapter Eight

  LOGAN

  Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for the feeling I had when Bethany reached across the table to me. I was elated, honored, and humbled at the same time. I had always initiated holding her hand; she never reached for me first. I’d been working for this moment for a few weeks and now it was here. She was reaching out to me, willing to give me a shot. There were so many things I wanted to promise her, but I knew words, with her, would not be enough. So, I wisely kept my mouth shut and settled for staring into those gorgeous green eyes until I saw forever.

  Too soon it was time to take her home. On the way over to her house, I tried to reassure her again.

  “Jack is not going to hurt you when you get home. I promise I won’t let him. I am going to walk you to your door just like last time. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she agreed. I wasn’t sure if she believed a word I said.

  The miles raced by and in what seemed like seconds, we were parked in front of her house. I reached under my seat to grab the sliding lock I got for her door the day before. She stayed in her seat and followed me with her eyes as I made it to her side of the car to open the door for her. When she stepped out, I grabbed her hand again, and we strolled to her front door.

  Bethany turned the knob and seemed surprised to find a woman sitting on the couch, waiting for her. The woman looked to be in her late twenties or early thirties, with short brown hair, and eyes the same startlingly beautiful green as Bethany’s.

  “Logan, this is my mom, Evelyn.” She introduced us softly.

  Beth’s mom was surprisingly young to have a fifteen-year-old daughter. Some quick calculations in my head made me realize Evelyn must have had Bethany when she was still a teenager herself. When I smiled and held my hand out toward her, she flinched ever so slightly. Bethany wasn’t the only one suffering abuse in this house. Beth’s mom recovered quickly as she shook my hand.

  “It’s nice to meet you Logan,” she said with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Thank you for getting Bethany home before ten. Her dad worries about her if she stays out too late.”

  Evelyn couldn’t bring herself to look me in the eye when she said it. Yeah, I just bet he does. I kept my snide comment to myself.

  Both women suddenly seemed apprehensive. I looked down at my clenched hands and realized I wasn’t hiding my anger as well as I thought. I took a deep breath to calm myself down.

  “It’s nice to meet you,” was all the civility I could manage towards her negligent mother.

  My smile for Beth was genuine when I turned and handed her the bag with the new lock for her door. As I placed a goodnight kiss on her forehead, I tilted my head to whisper in her ear.

  “I’ll be back soon to put this on your door. Remember to put your dresser back in front of the door and leave your window open until I get back.”

  The quivering smile on her face broke my heart. She was afraid and trying valiantly to hide it. It felt like an eternity before I could drive back to the school, park my car, and walk back to her house. I quietly made my way to the side of her house and tapped on her partially open window. It was a huge relief whenever the window slid open and I saw her precious face again. She was too beautiful to be real.

  “Hey gorgeous, did you miss me?” I flirted.

  She rolled her eyes at me as she backed away from the window so I could climb into her room.

  She glad to see me
but seemed a little unsure. Her eyes shifted to the dresser in front of her door as she spoke.

  “Logan, I am not sure this is such a good idea. How are you going to put a lock on my door without Jack hearing you?”

  I reached into the bag that had the lock in it and pulled out a screwdriver.

  “It isn’t going to make a sound, and I am going to sleep much better knowing there is a lock on your door.”

  The lock set came with four short screws, but I pulled four of the longest screws I could find at the hardware store from my pocket. It would at least slow down Jack’s progress in case he decided to try and break the door down. If she needed to escape it would give her a few extra seconds to get out of the house. She sat down on the edge of her bed and watched while I started installing the lock.

  It must have taken me longer than I thought to install the lock on the door because by the time I finished, Bethany was fast asleep in the middle of her bed. I didn’t want to leave without saying good-bye, but I didn’t want to wake her up either. I knew how little she had slept over the past few weeks, and I wanted her to rest. I walked over to the side of her bed still battling with the desire to let her rest versus wanting to reassure her that she was safe. She must have sensed that I was staring at her because she slowly opened her eyes.

  “Sorry,” she yawned with a sleepy smile, “I was just going to close my eyes for a second, but I must have fallen asleep. Are you finished?”

  “Yep, I just wanted to say goodbye before I left, but I wasn’t sure if I should wake you up or not. I guess I‘m just not ready to leave yet.” I awkwardly admitted.

  “You don’t have to leave, but I won’t be good company. I can barely keep my eyes open.”

  I deliberately walked to the side of her bed, watching her closely for any sign of uneasiness. To my surprise, she responded by scooting over and giving me room to sit down. When I sat down, she moved over another foot to put more distance between us. I took a deep breath, still watching her carefully, as I laid my head on the pillow beside her, vigilantly maintaining the distance that she was comfortable with between us.