Breathe

by Tracey E. Chambers

  “I’m tired too. Is this okay?”

  Please let this be okay, I prayed silently. Her response was to close her eyes. I reached across the distance between us and laced my fingers with hers. I slid my free hand under my head to get comfortable. I was careful not to crowd her. I was ready to give her all the time and space she needed to feel safe with me. I only intended to stay until she fell asleep, but I guess we were both pretty exhausted. We both fell asleep quickly.

  In the first few hazy seconds of consciousness, I wasn’t sure where I was. It was still dark outside, but I knew I wasn’t in my bed. The girl in my arms quickly reminded me. She was snuggled up right beside me with her head tucked under my chin and her hand on my chest. No way was I going to move an inch until I was forced to. The second she woke up, she would be embarrassed or afraid and scoot away from me.

  I wasn’t sure if I had pulled her towards me or if she had moved closer beside me in her sleep, but I didn’t really care at the moment. It was amazing to be able to hold her close for the first time. I took a deep breath and smelled a sweet vanilla sent. I lightly ran my hand up the top of her arm to feel her soft skin.

  How did a tiny, fragile wisp of a girl withstand so much without breaking? One of the things I admired most about her was how strong she had to be to cope with so much crap in her life. She managed to do all that and somehow find the heart to take a chance on me. I said a quick prayer right then to thank God for sending her to me. I trusted that she was in my life for a reason. She was a gift I intended to cherish.

  I froze when she started to stir. She murmured something unintelligible as she rolled away from me. I knew it was past time to leave, but I couldn’t pry my body away from hers. Instead of leaving like I should have, I put my hand on her waist and pulled her back, closer to me. I drew the blanket up over her and drifted back to sleep.

  Chapter Nine

  BETHANY

  I woke up to a gentle kiss on my forehead. I had no clue how long I slept, but the night still enveloped me in darkness. The alarm clock on my nightstand announced it was almost 4:30. Suddenly, Logan’s arms reached from behind to wrap around me. Maybe I could blame my still groggy brain, but I didn’t stiffen in fear at the contact. He stayed all night. I burrowed my head back into the pillow to stall for time. I needed a minute to collect my thoughts before I faced him. He seemed to understand and just pulled me tightly up against him and patiently waited.

  The only other person that ever hugged or held me had been my mother. Those times became few and far between as she became distracted with her own life and its problems. I didn’t realize I missed it until this moment. Everywhere his skin touched mine soothed an ache I didn’t know I had. My muscles could relax for the first time in years. It was a balm to my soul. If I could live in one moment forever, this would be my moment. His touch didn’t make the pain go away, but it made it bearable. I felt tears sting my eyes as a struggled vainly swallow past the lump in my throat.

  The little girl inside me jumped up and down in excitement. Was it possible to have a happily ever after despite the nightmare that my life had become? “Yes” the little girl whispered, “but you have to be willing to take a chance.” My scarred psyche rebelled and wanted to punch the little girl in the throat. Dreams were for those too weak to face reality. “What is going to happen when he walks away? What will be left of you then? Keep what is left of you safe, don’t let him hurt you.”

  I shook my head and closed my eyes tightly. It was just like the old cartoons where there was a demon on one shoulder and an angel on the other. It would be comical if it wasn’t so confusing. Making decisions was so much easier when emotion wasn’t involved, but I didn’t have that luxury were Logan was concerned. I was petrified to feel anything. The only way I was able to function was to be numb to pain. In my experience, trust always left me burned. Love only made me bleed.

  I would be crazy to believe that this time it would turn out any differently. The question was not if Logan would hurt me; the question was, would the journey be worth the pain? Would there be anything left of me when he was gone? Could my sanity withstand one more blow? Logan seemed to sense my unease. He pulled me back even tighter against him.

  “Relax, we don’t have to figure out everything today, angel.” He whispered softly into my ear.

  I could hear the smile in his voice. Up to this point, I had maintained my sanity by keeping my distance. Maybe sanity is overrated. At least this way when I was sitting in my padded room, I would have some happy memories to live in. Maybe.

  “This is all new to me. It’s going to take some getting used to.”

  I carefully turned around in his arms and pushed on his chest just a bit to give me some more room before I was brave enough to face him. He pulled back, still holding me loosely in his arms. He nodded and flashed me that heart-stopping grin. The boy was so hot, it literally took my breath away sometimes.

  “One day at a time is all I’m asking, remember? I’m going to head home to shower and change. Can I pick you up around 7:30?”

  “Sure,” I agreed absentmindedly.

  “If you even think Jack is awake, I want you to call me and I’ll be here sooner.”

  As Logan got out of bed I tried to sit up, and my back immediately protested. Waking up with Logan by my side was an excellent pain reliever. I honestly hadn’t felt a thing until then. When he saw me wince, he was immediately all business. He started searching around my tiny room.

  “Where’s your Advil?”

  “It’s on the dresser, but I really don’t need it. My back is tons better today,” I protested.

  He rolled his eyes at me skeptically.

  “If you didn’t need it, you wouldn’t have winced when you tried to sit up. I know you’re tough, but do me a favor and just take it for at least the next couple of days? Please?”

  I relented sullenly and thrust my hand out when he opened the bottle. He placed two pills in my hand.

  “You need something to take those with.”

  My heart stopped when he made his way toward my bedroom door. I stepped into his path to block him.

  “Were you dropped on your head as a baby?!? You can’t just march into my kitchen at four thirty in the morning for a glass of water!”

  “Watch me,” he cockily retorted.

  He stepped around me, unlatched my lock, and marched through the bedroom door in one motion.

  I didn’t breathe again until I saw him pop his head through my door with a glass of water in his hand.

  “Did you miss me?” He teased.

  “Well that seals it Logan. You must have brain damage. What if my mom or Jack had seen you?”

  I shuttered at the thought.

  “Relax Beth. They are both still asleep, and I was quiet. Be a good girl and take your medicine. I don’t want you getting out of that bed until these have a chance to take effect. “

  I was quickly learning that Logan could be really bossy when he wanted to be. I must have missed the memo declaring him dictator. I glared at him.

  “Don’t look at me like that. I am not a tyrant. I just can’t stand to see you in pain.”

  How could I say no to that? He didn’t play fair. I obediently took the water he held out to me and swallowed the pills. He lifted my blanket up, indicating that I should lay back down. I wanted to stubbornly refuse but to be honest, my back did hurt and it felt really nice for someone to take care of me. I slowly lay back down with as much dignity as I could muster. My attitude only amused Logan, judging by the barely suppressed grin on his face. He tucked me in like a child and placed a quick kiss on my cheek before I could react. I pretended to close my eyes as he turned towards the window.

  “Bye sleepy head, I’ll see you in a couple of hours. If you aren’t out front by seven thirty, I’ll have to scandalize your mother by coming in here to get you.”

  My eyes immediately flew open. He chuckled and gave me a quick wave before he made his way out the window. After a few minutes, m
y eyes felt heavy and I managed to fall back asleep before my alarm went off at seven.

  Getting ready for school and leaving the house was an activity I always relished. While most kids loathed waking up early and listening to boring lectures, school was a refuge for me. I was free from physical threat. In elementary and junior high, it meant I got a hot meal. School was something I excelled at because it was all I had to focus on in my life. Learning gave me something to fill the lonely hours I spent in my room after school and on weekends.

  My grades ranked me in the top five in my freshman class. Not that anyone knew beyond my teachers. My mom quit looking at my school work and signing my report cards in fourth grade. The last time I showed her my report card, I was so proud. My lowest grade was a 96. I ran all the way home, eager to show her. My heart sank when she signed it without even bothering to look at my grades and handed it back to me. After that day, I just scribbled what I hoped was an adult looking signature and turned it in.

  Today, I was actually feeling something more than relief at the prospect of going to school. It was actually anticipation and that was very, very dangerous. I was looking forward to seeing Logan again even though it had only been a couple of hours since I’d last seen him.

  I forced myself to wear my usual jeans and t-shirt instead of something trendier. If he noticed that I dressed differently today, I would die of embarrassment. I did spend a little more time on my hair and make-up. After a few fruitless minutes, I gave up trying to tame my hair. I managed to pull one side back with a million bobby pins. I wasn’t big on make-up, but I put on eye liner in addition to my normal mascara and lip gloss. I took a minute to study my reflection.

  My hair was its usual crazy curly. It went whatever way it wanted to as it tumbled to my shoulders. It couldn’t decide what shade of brown it wanted to be. I had strands that varied from light caramel to almost black. The face that greeted me in the mirror was pretty ordinary. My nose was a little too short and my eyes just a little too wide. I doubted most people even looked at me twice. I had perfected the art of being invisible to the point that most people never gave me a second look.

  My normally dull green eyes sparkled with excitement. I was excited! I wanted to laugh and throw up at the same time. Instead, I swallowed my emotions and stared myself down until those eyes ceased to betray me. I opened the bathroom door and peeked out to make sure the coast was clear. I didn’t hear a sound as I gathered up my books and shoved them into my backpack.

  Logan’s car was already sitting in the driveway when I opened the front door. I quickly made my way to the passenger side before he could jump out of the car and open my door. It was a sweet gesture but really unnecessary.

  “Wow. You look great,” he reached across the car and claimed my hand immediately.

  So much for not making it obvious I put a little more effort into my appearance today. I was embarrassed and wanted to jerk my hand away. Instead of pulling out of the driveway like I desperately wished he would do, he just squeezed my hand until I finally looked up at him.

  “Beth,” he signed my name as if he read my mind, “You look good every day. You look especially good to me now because I missed you like crazy the last three hours. I guess don’t like being away from you.”

  His humble admission made me less self-conscious, but I wasn’t willing to admit that I had missed him the few hours we were apart either. When we drove into the parking lot, I found myself a little hesitant to become the object of curious stares, but sitting in the car was only going to delay the inevitable. I took a deep breath, stealing my nerves for the challenge of walking to first period pretending not to notice everyone staring holes into my back.

  Logan got out of the car and walked beside me casually as we made our way to the front of the school. He didn’t insist on taking my backpack, for which I was grateful. When we got inside, instead of heading for his economics class, he turned with me to the freshman hall and walked me to my first class. A few people still gawked at us with questions in their eyes, but for the most part it appeared that the novelty of the hot new guy hanging around the loser girl had faded.

  We lingered outside of the classroom for a few minutes, watching kids filling the halls on their way to class. Neither of us was ready to start the school day.

  “See you at the lunch?” Logan finally broke the silence between us.

  I nodded my assent, still keeping my eyes on the crowd filing around us. I forgot to pack a lunch this morning. Logan didn’t need to be skipping anymore meals on my account so I added,

  “Let’s brave the school food today. I willing to try if you are.”

  “Yeah, I think I can do that,” he answered.

  The first bell rang, signaling it was time for both of us to get to class. Logan gave me a reluctant smile when I finally looked toward him.

  “I guess I’ll see you at lunch then.”

  He turned and made his way down the hall. I watched him until he was out of site before I finally went into my classroom.

  Chapter Ten

  LOGAN

  Walking away from her was hard. At least here at school we were under the same roof. Leaving her at home was becoming increasingly more difficult. I’ve never understood the lure of drugs or alcohol. I was never even tempted. Now, I appreciated how difficult an addiction could be because Bethany was mine. There was no other word for it. From the first time I saw her, I couldn’t keep myself from just being near her. At first, I was satisfied to be near her in the library. Now, even when I wasn’t with her, she was constantly in my thoughts.

  I needed more and more time with her to satisfy me. Last night, I couldn’t even bring myself to let her sleep alone. The threat Jack posed to her was part of it, but if I was honest with myself, I was just loathe to leave her. Addiction fitted what I was experiencing perfectly. She was exhilarating, terrifying, and my whole world. Despite my intention to go slow, it was getting harder and harder to temper my feelings for her. The only thing that stopped me from telling her how I felt was my fear of losing her.

  A punch to my shoulder quickly drew me out of my swirling thoughts about Bethany. I was too preoccupied with her to notice how I made it to first period before the final bell. Alex sat beside me with a goofy grin on his face.

  “Saw you walking her to class this morning. You guys finally go out?”

  Alex was the first friend I‘d made in Fort Grange. He was tall and lanky, the overachieving chess club type. He managed to tear himself away from schoolwork long enough to run the mile for the track team. He was friendly and we’d hung out at his house playing video games a few times. Through him I met Wyatt, his best friend. He was the guy sitting behind me. Wyatt had shaggy brown hair that was usually in his eyes. He was dressed in his usual attire--basketball shorts, ratty t-shirts, black socks, and sliders. He was a little abrasive, but underneath it he was a decent guy. I ignored Wyatt’s rude remarks about my relationship with Bethany and answered Alex instead.

  “Yeah, a couple times—the beach, dinner, and just hanging out.”

  “I never even noticed her until you asked about her. I remember having the same lunch period with her in junior high, but she never talked to anyone and always sat alone. Figured she was just a loner and never thought much about it. Does she talk much?”

  I knew he wasn’t intentionally making me mad, but the way he was talking about her rubbed me the wrong way. I wanted to roar at him, instead I managed to grind out a reply.

  “She is really quiet. If you take the time to get to know her, she’s really smart and funny. I really like her.”

  That was putting it mildly, but that was all he needed to know. Wyatt snorted behind me.

  “She’s weird. I wasn’t sure she could even talk. I haven’t heard a word out of her mouth since she moved here seven years ago,” Wyatt sneered.

  I immediately twisted around and grabbed the back of the seat hard to keep myself from doing something stupid.

  “That’s enough, Wyatt. Not. A
nother. Word.” I forced through my clenched jaws.

  He’d gone too far, and I wanted to hit something. I doubted I would be able to control myself if he continued to bad mouth her. Something in my voice must have convinced him to back off because he threw his hands up in a gesture of surrender.

  “Hey, ease up. I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just surprised. She’s never given anyone the time of day. You show up and suddenly, she’s not only talking to someone, she’s dating,” he shrugged.

  Mrs. Talbot stood up from her desk and decided to start her lecture for the day. I turned around, grateful to have something else to focus my attention on. Wyatt had never gotten under my skin before. Hopefully, he would just keep his mouth shut when it came to Bethany.

  Time seemed to crawl by until the lunch bell finally rang. I had Beth’s schedule memorized, and I was waiting for her when she walked out of the gym. She fell into step beside me, and we made our way to the cafeteria. It took a lot of effort to keep myself from constantly staring at her; she was gorgeous.

  The cafeteria food looked as unappetizing as ever. It was better than skipping lunch but not by much. I was making a mental note to pack something edible for us for tomorrow when she looked up at me.

  “So what looks like the safest choice today?” She asked with a small smile.

  “Hmm… let’s see…I’d stay away from the pizza. It tastes more like cardboard since they started making it with that vile whole wheat crust. The taco plate looks okay. Although how they think one taco is enough is beyond me. The government is trying to solve childhood obesity by making the food inedible or starving us to death.”

  Then I heard something amazing. I heard her giggle. It was the first time I’d ever heard her laugh. I felt twelve feet tall. Not only was she smiling at me, but she actually laughed. My girl laughed. She nodded toward the taco line.