If It Ain't About the Money

by Saundra

  “I’ll take one.” I figured whatever was going on with her that had her in that state once she shared it with me, I would need a drink, too. She poured the brown liquid so fast that a few drops landed on the bar.

  She immediately poured herself another shot and downed it, this time burping as she turned to me. “Rico proposed to me,” she blurted out.

  “That nigga did what, now?” I had heard her right, I was sure of it, but it was damn sure not what I wanted to hear.

  “He asked me to marry him,” she reiterated, like I really didn’t hear the first time. Clearly she missed the sarcastic tone in my voice.

  I chuckled. The whole thing was ridiculous. “Well, fuck all that, Kirk found us a new gig. A sure way for us to get paid.” We hadn’t done Push since Penny’s kidnapping, and with our lifestyle it was a must. That money never stopped flowing. Isis rested her eyes on me, signaling she didn’t like my comment. But she knew I was not one to sugarcoat anything. Her eyes continued to roll around in her head like she was on twenty-one questions but didn’t have a clue.

  “Secret . . .” As she said my name, she put the palm of her right hand on her forehead. “I thought you understood I’m done with that.”

  Now it was time for my eyes to roll around in my head, because I had no idea what “done” meant. “What is it you actually done with, Isis? We gotta get paid.”

  “Secret, if the bullshit is what it takes, then I ain’t gettin’ paid no more. I am done with that shit. Understand that?” She glared at me as if I were the one insane, even though she was the one denouncing money.

  Again I laughed. I wasn’t sure what dream she was living right now. Did she not see all that we had? Or was it something else? Possibly Rico; if he was the reason, then I got it. “I see. So you don’t want money no more? You want love.” The word left a bitter taste in my mouth. I still couldn’t believe anyone fell for that shit.

  “No, what I want is to trust again . . . and in order to do that, I accept it . . . and yes, that means accept Rico’s love for me.”

  This whole conversation was really annoying the shit out of me. But the pain was written all over her face, and for that I hurt with her. Bobbi had truly scared her, but he was the prime example that this love bullshit was not worth it. It was time she was honest with herself. I sighed. “Listen, you got all your life for this shit . . . Your fairy tale can wait. What we need to do right now is hook up with Kirk.” That for me was the bottom line.

  “Ain’t you listenin’ to shit I just said,” Isis screamed at me so loud I was startled. “Read my lips, Secret. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t even want to talk about the shit anymore . . . Open your eyes. Can’t you see what Kirk and his scheming-ass ideas done to Penny?”

  I froze at the mention of that. A ball of sadness instantly started to build in the pit of my stomach, but it turned to anger just as fast. “It’s not fair for you to bring that shit up during this conversation. Besides, I told you that Kirk handled that shit. He bodied that nigga on site. It’s like I have said time and time before, Isis, Kirk has our back. And he gon’ make sure that no foul shit like that ever happen again. He promised me on his own life of that.”

  Looking at me as if I were deaf and dumb, Isis started to shake her head from side to side. “This is crazy,” was her only reply. Something told me that she was not changing her mind. But I had to keep trying to get her to see why she should.

  “Listen, Isis, I know you want to just walk away. But we need to do this. We do this one last job and save up enough money to get outta of this life for good.”

  “That’s just it!” she screamed. “We don’t need no money; we got enough of it already.”

  “You right. I do . . . but not enough to be comfortable forever.” She was right: my safe deposit box was on full. Money was not an issue, and I could live good for a while. But I wanted to live good for life. And there was no question about that for me.

  Again Isis shook her head at me in disbelief. I waited. “Well, you do what you gotta do. I’m done.” Her words tugged at my heart. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. Especially after the option I had just come up with.

  I was pissed off and could not fake it. “You just gone walkin’ away for the love of some nigga!” I spat the words at her. I was full of disgust, and I wanted her to know it.

  “Yes, because I need that . . . and so do you.” She said this calmly and seemingly unfazed by my harsh statement. “It’s no different than what Sway wants from you, but you keep fighting it. And I just can’t figure out why you keep fighting. No, he ain’t perfect, but he really cares for you.” Damn, she wanted to start that Sway talk again. That had been precisely why I had not told her of his little visit. But since she was determined to bring his ass up, I guess I couldn’t avoid the conversation.

  “Well, that might be true, but it’s equally true that I don’t give a fuck about him. Nigga bringing extra drama in my life with baby mamas and all that.” I chuckle at the thought of Sway’s baby mama acting a fool. “I think you know me better than that. So you know I ain’t puttin’ up with no bullshit. No what I’m gon’ do is be about me and my motherfucking grind.” I know it may have sounded harsh, but it was true, and that shit would set anybody free.

  “Damn, that’s pretty fucked up, Secret. I mean, when you gon’ be real with yourself and realize you human. Which means you ain’t no different from anybody else . . . that means you do need love and I’m not talking about from Penny, or Jackie, or even me. I’m talking about from a companion. Sacking niggas ain’t gon’ keep you happy forever. You gon’ eventually get sick of that.”

  “Well, I guess you got the damn answer, Isis.” I was sarcastic. “The answer to love, so I’ll get a pad and paper to get all this shit down. ’Cause I don’t want to miss a thing.” I laughed, but it was fake.

  “Whatever.” She waved me off. “Like I said, you need love like the rest of us. Remember that.”

  That statement was funny to me because I was for sure about one thing. I didn’t need love or no nigga. I laughed out loud with my arms crossed across my chest. “Ain’t you been listening yet to nothing I said? Fuck love. If it ain’t about the money, miss me wit’ it.” I gritted my teeth, meaning each and every gotdamn word.

  Shaking her head at me, once more full of disappointment, she turned and walked away. I was stunned. Just as she put her hands on the doorknob, I spoke. “Isis.” I said her name as if it was the last of my lifelines. She paused. “I never thought I’d see the day you’d walk away from family. We have been all we have ever had.” Tears stung at my eyelids, but I fought to keep them back. I wanted to be strong. I could tell by the way Isis’s hand was shaking on the doorknob that I had her attention. She glanced at me briefly, her face wet from tears. With no words she swiftly turned back around, opened the door, and stepped out into the darkness.

  Chapter 42

  Isis

  I couldn’t believe the conversation I had just had with Secret. My mind was in clutter. I knew hers was, too. The only time I could remember that we had had a real argument was back in the fifth grade, about a boy name Sammie. He liked both of us but only played with one when the other was not around. Before long we were fighting for his attention. That didn’t last long, though, because when we figured out what he had been trying to do, we beat his ass and made him apologize. It was then and there that we decided boys were evil and we would never allow one to come between us again. Other than that, we never really argued, at least not to that point. But I felt as if I had to be honest with her in that moment. And she was right about us being family, and nothing should ever come between that. We had each other when we didn’t have anybody else, and as far as I was concerned, that would always be the case. I truly didn’t know what to do. I had been driving around for hours, the whole time my face soaked with tears. I ran out a full tank of gas the whole time with the intent of clearing my mind, yet still it was foggy. I didn’t know what to do. But after pulling over at a gas st
ation and refilling my tank, my common sense kicked in and reminded me that driving all my gas out was not going to solve my problems. So I headed home.

  Pulling up to my condo, I almost threw my car in reverse when I recognized Rico’s truck still in my driveway. But even I knew that would not do any good. I had to face him at some point. I pushed the button from my car, and my garage door raised. I pulled inside, shut off my ignition, laid my head on my steering wheel for a few minutes to try and gather my thoughts. With no chance of that happening, I climbed out. Walking through my house I didn’t see him anywhere in sight at first. Entering my bedroom, I located him lying across my bed.

  Rico sat up immediately. “I’ve been waiting on you to come back. I didn’t want to leave without us really finishing this.”

  I wanted to get this over with, but I did not want to give him any eye contact. It would only make things hard. But I needed to put my big girl panties. “Rico, I can’t marry you.” I let it flow without stalling. A single tear slipped from his right eye, then the left. I felt guilty as sin.

  “Baby, you can’t just throw us away like this. So don’t,” he begged.

  I fought back my tears. I didn’t want to confuse him with them. I had to be steadfast in my decision. “Trust me, this is for the best. We can’t be together. So please just go, Rico.” He started to speak again, but I cut him off. I needed him to leave before I broke down right in front of him. “Just go, Rico!” This time I screamed, hoping to make myself clear.

  Slowly and reluctantly he lifted himself off my bed and left my room. I stood in the same spot for ten minutes before finding the strength to lock up my house and arm the alarm system. Glancing out my window, I saw his truck was gone. My feet somehow carried me, or should I say floated me, back to my room, where I fell in my bed and cried myself into a deep sleep. For the next two days I only showered, watched TV, and rolled blunts. I tried to eat but couldn’t; I tried to sleep but couldn’t do that, either. I had hit rock bottom.

  Day three I woke up with Felicia heavily on my mind. My heart told me that I needed to see her. I needed her advice, something I had never had before. After getting dressed, I jumped into my car and drove full speed until I arrived at the prison. I’m not sure what came over me, but my emotions filled me. As soon as Felicia sat down in front of me, I felt my emotions. For the first time I saw my mother. I thought about my childhood, when she used to hug me and I loved her without question. When I counted on her, when I couldn’t wait until I got home from school to see her. Then I thought about this dark prison, and all her pleas to me to be in my life, to still have some role as my mother, only to have me bring her coldness and a stiff stare at every visit. I felt horrible for all the time I had wasted, missed, and could not and would not be getting back. I felt sick. Tears flooded my face. I started to speak, but she held up her hand and silenced me.

  “I am so sorry . . .” She paused. “I’m so sorry for being so selfish all of your life. Somehow I convinced myself that all of the stealing that I done was for you. So that I could give you a better life . . .” She wiped at the tears that were running down her face. She closed her eyes and squeezed tight for a brief second in an attempt to slow them from coming down. “Really, it was for myself. I didn’t know that then, but I do now. And now I know that you deserve to want something for yourself. Sometimes that means walking away from someone who doesn’t want to let go of the wrong, to get to the right. Isis, what I’m saying to you is happiness comes with a smile, not with money or material things. You’ll never find it that way. Baby, sometimes you have to choose.”

  If it had been permitted, I would have jumped out of my seat, run around the table, and wrapped my arms around her so tight. Every single word out of her mouth had rejuvenated me in more ways than one. “Thank you so much, Mama.” A smile spread across her face.

  “It’s been so long since you called me that. I feared you never would again,” she cried.

  “I’ve been selfish, too. Always thinkin’ of myself, never once putting myself in your shoes. And I’m sorry for that.” It felt so good to get that off my chest. I felt like I was standing out in the rain and willingly allowing the water to refresh me. “But please don’t make me call you Mama all the time. I actually like Felicia now. It’s more fun.”

  “Fun, you say. Hmmm. A’ight then.” She chuckled. “Guard.” She unexpectedly yelled over her shoulder. A short, stout Hispanic lady with corn rows looking like a dude strutted over. Felicia looked up at her with confidence. “This is my daughter, Isis, and I would like to hug her. We ain’t passing contraband, we ain’t up to nothin’ slick, just want to hold my daughter.” She looked me straight in the eyes.

  The guard looked at me then back at Felicia. “Permission granted.”

  I was a bit surprised, but before I knew it I was in her arms, and it felt so good. I didn’t even realize until I felt the wetness from her shirt that I had laid my head on her shoulder and was crying like a baby. She comforted me as if I was still a baby. This was what I had been missing: my mother who loved me dearly no matter what. Who had been a single mother doing what she thought was right when it was not. But she provided for me. “I love you, Mom,” I cried.

  “I love you, too, baby,” she said, and I cried even harder. I could feel the eyes in the room on us. And I couldn’t have cared less.

  The ride home was peaceful for me, mind, body, and soul. Felicia’s words about letting people go and happiness had rung true on so many levels. I now knew what I had to do, and I wouldn’t waste another minute to do it. I drove back to Miami in record time. I only stopped for gas and that was it. My next stop was not until I reached Rico’s house.

  Pulling up to the house, I noticed two cars that were unfamiliar. Climbing out the car, I made my way up to the door. I started to feel a little weird as I approached the huge double doors and realized they were ajar. Instead of knocking, I kind of pushed one of the doors open and stepped inside, unsure of what I would find.

  Too my surprise I saw a guy who seemed to be leading people coming down the massive staircase. I wondered if Rico had guests over, because I had never seen them before. “Yes, hi.” The guy leading spoke first. “May I help you?” he asked next.

  “Not really. I’m here for Rico,” I announced.

  “Rico.” He repeated his name as if he was unsure about something.

  “Yes, I’m here for my boyfriend, I mean fiancé, Rico.” I’m not sure what made me say all that, but I wanted to be clear on a few things. And I certainly didn’t like the way the valley African American lady stood and stared at me. I was sure I had mustard and ketchup spread across my face. I considered going straight pork and beans on her, but I had other fish I was trying to fry. So I settled with waving her off. The guy who had decided to be the spokesperson made his way down the staircase and headed toward me.

  Once he reached me, I considered asking him to step back; he was too close. “I’m Fernando Gates, Rico’s real estate agent.” He extended his right hand to me. I thought about smacking it. But I really just wanted to get to Rico. The rest I could care less about, but I did pick up on the fact that he announced himself as Rico’s real estate agent, and people, a couple, were following him around. “Can we step over here for a bit?” He pointed toward the den across the hall. I led the way, opening the door. I stepped inside and turned to face him. All I wanted to know was what was going on.”

  “Okay, Fernando, can we cut to the chase?” I was tired of playing around. I was here for one thing and one thing only: my man.

  “I’m not sure if you knew this, but judging by your surprise to see me or lack thereof . . .” He really was starting to annoy me. Next I would be serenading him with curse words.

  “Would you please tell me where the hell Rico at?” I rolled my eyes. I was trying to keep it cute, but he was on my last nerve.

  “Rico has been aggressively packing up his clothes for the past day; he left early this morning. I was summoned here to sell this house. I wa
s permitted to get inside as of today.” He talked to me as if he was trying to sell me something.

  But I quickly lost sight of his words or him as it started to sink in what he was telling me. I could not believe it. “So are you saying to me that Rico is gone?” I wanted to be clear on what I was receiving.

  “Yes, he left.”

  I felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer and beaten me in the stomach with it. I could not believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. Without another word I turned and dashed out of the door, headed for my car, where I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Rico’s telephone number.

  “The mailbox you are trying to reach is not accepting any telephone calls.” I felt like it was the day of doom. My cell phone slid out of my hand and landed in my lap. Good thing I had sat down in the driver’s seat, or it would have smashed to the floor. The whole scene was like a playback of Bobbi. It couldn’t be possible that a whole ’nother dude had run off without telling me. But this time it was my fault. I had ruined me.

  Starting up my car, I hit the interstate like a maniac. The speed limit was the least of my cares. Tears rushed down my face so thick and fast it was like I was driving in a rainstorm; my vision became so blurry I couldn’t see a thing. Pressing lightly on the brake, I slowed up the car and pulled off to the side of the highway. Reaching into my glove compartment, I fished out a Kleenex and attempted to wipe my face dry. I would not cry anymore. I had done enough of that over Bobbi. So I was done with that. No, this time I had made my own bed and I would lie in it with strength and boss bitch moves. Pulling down my visor mirror, I looked at my face to be sure all the tears had dried up. Satisfied, I cleared my throat. Picking up my cell, I dialed a number that I knew would always answer. My family.

  “Hello,” Secret answered on the second ring.