by Meg Brenner
We said our goodbyes and I started walking to class…right before Brad grabbed my hand. He pulled me in, placing his hands on my waist. This was what I was used to. I loved being wrapped in his arms. I loved kissing him. However, that didn’t feel right anymore.
“Brad,” I started. “I can’t do this anymore…”
“Do what?” He asked, going in for a kiss.
“This!” I responded quickly, dodging his kiss by only a second. “Us! I can’t do us anymore!” I watched his face grow long. He was obviously thinking about why I was saying this.
“What do you mean?” He asked quietly, looking around at our peers looking at us. It was true – we had celebrity status at the school. This was like their soap opera…or maybe their real life MTV Reality Show. I felt my cheeks blush as everyone listening.
“Do you guys mind?” I growled at the crowd. Suddenly, everyone started moving again. I turned to face Brad again. “I’ve fallen in love with someone else.”
“Someone else…who?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “It doesn’t matter, okay? I’ve just moved on…and, well, I think you should too.” Turning my back to him, I walked to my next class.
Much to my disappointment, Keiffer wasn’t in class again. Mr. Thomas sat at his desk, looking at his computer and sipping his coffee. I walked over to him, playing with my sweatshirt sleeves. He looked up at me curiously as I stood above his desk.
“Well, if it’s not Miss Horowitz herself? You haven’t said a word to me for the past two weeks. Where have you been?” Mr. Thomas asked, studying me.
I felt myself start to stutter. “I’m sorry, Mr. Thomas. I promise I’ll work harder from now on. I mean that. But can you tell me if Keiffer Lawrence dropped the class?” I knew that that sounded kind of suspicious but I just wanted to know. He had been gone for a whole week straight and now he was gone again today.
“And why do you care if he has or hasn’t?” Mr. Thomas asked.
I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. After careful consideration, I finally responded to his question. “He’s my partner in the project. I haven’t seen him in a while…”
“Oh, haven’t you?” Keiffer said from behind me. I jumped at his voice, turning around to see him sitting in his usual chair in the back. “I’m pretty sure I saw you a couple nights ago.”
“Um…thank you,” I said to Mr. Thomas, quickly hurrying to where he was. Several students laughed at Keiffer’s response. He kicked his legs on the table, leaning back smoothly in his chair. He made eye contact with me only swiftly.
“What’s up, neighbor?” He finally said after a while. I sat down in the chair next to him, trying to figure out why he was practically ignoring me. He wasn’t even looking at me, but only staring straight ahead.
“Why didn’t you come over yesterday?” I asked. This was the guy I had given my virginity too. This was the guy who said that he loved me. Yet, he was acting like I was just some regular other, ordinary girl.
“Didn’t know I was supposed to,” he responded, popping a mint in his mouth.
“Well, we didn’t plan anything –“ I started.
“Then why would I come over?” He interrupted. I felt myself at a complete loss of words. How was I supposed to argue against that? I had nothing besides the fact that we had sex.
“I guess you didn’t have too…”
His eyes flicked over at me for just a brief second. He took a deep breath, taking his feet off the desk, and putting his face close to mine. I stared into his blue eyes…the ones that had seduced me a couple nights ago. I felt my lips tingle…I wanted him to kiss me.
“Listen, neighbor,” he whispered so only I could hear. “You can’t expect too much out of me. I don’t need you in my life. I’m not the one who’s desperate.”
“Who says you’re desperate?” I asked, still whispering.
“Think about it,” he responding, giving me a few silent moments to figure out what he was saying.
“Wait!” I exclaimed, but still keeping my voice down. “Don’t you tell me that I’m desperate!” I almost wanted to slug him in his perfect jaw.
“Who just broke up with their boyfriend to be with me?” He asked, leaning back in his chair again. I felt my cheeks grow red with anger. How could he do this?
“You said you loved me too!” I spat at him.
“Did I? Or did I just want to fuck you?” He grabbed his backpack off from the ground and stood up. The bell to start class hadn’t even rang yet, however, he was already getting ready to leave class. “And let me tell you what…that was a pretty easy fuck.” Winking at me, he took his exit. Several students looked up from their last minute homework assignment (the one that I didn’t complete).
I sat in disbelievement in the back row. The bell rang and Mr. Thomas took his spot in the front of the class with his mug of coffee. I was still staring at Keiffer’s empty chair, my mind and heart running too quickly for comfort.
“Good morning, class,” Mr. Thomas started. “Let’s start by going over our homework –“
I stood to my feet in the middle of his sentence. He stopped talking and watched me as I stood there. Finally I snapped back into reality and realized that the whole class was staring at me. I let out a small airy laugh, embarrassed to be causing this much attention.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Thomas.” I headed towards the closed classroom door. “I’ve got to be somewhere.” I opened the door and started to run down the hallway towards the exit. After scanning the parking lot for Keiffer’s car, I realized that he had already left.
It amazed me at how fast he was at driving. By the time I got home, his car was next door in the driveway. I slammed my car door shut, marching through the yard until I was standing outside his window. Dad was gone, which meant no one that I cared about, besides Indigo and Keiffer, would hear my pleas.
“Keiffer!” I called from below his window. I knew he could hear me…I just had those instincts. “You can keep playing these games. Go ahead and try to stay one step ahead of me. I don’t care if you’re five steps, or ten steps ahead. Hell, I don’t even care if you’re fifty steps ahead of me. It only matters that if I’m still in the game! I told you that I loved you, and I know…deep in my heart I know…that you love me! And you know what? That scares the shit out of you!”
I took a deep breath, the tears finally starting to form. “You wanna know why? You wanna know why, Keiffer? It’s because if you loved me then that would make you vulnerable. You wouldn’t be able to hide behind your music, or…or…you’re stars. No, you couldn’t even hide behind your nasty attitude.
“I see through that. I see through all of that. You’re really a scared, terrified man. You’re scared that someone you love is going to leave again. But I won’t. No…I will never leave you. This is the real deal, Keiffer. I’m real! Do you see me? Not everyone would stand under your window and tell you this. So, maybe I’m desperate? But being desperate is a hella lot better than being scared.”
I stepped away from his window, letting the tears fall from my cheeks. I watched as Keiffer rounded the corner of the house, his sunglasses over his face like a mask. As soon as he was only a few inches away, I lifted up the glasses…tears lining the bottom of his lashes.
“You don’t have to be scared of me,” I responded. He didn’t say anything, but he did run his hand down my cheek, drinking me in. “I need you… I didn’t think I did. But you’re everything to me.”
“I’m not good for you,” he finally responded.
“You are,” I added.
He shook his head. “Jenna, you might not leave me, but I’m going to leave you.” He kissed my forehead gently. “And I could never hurt you like that.”
“What do mean you’re going to leave me? Keiffer, I don’t care about Yale anymore. If you don’t want to go there, then neither do I. I just want to be wherever you are.”
He shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere…” I stared at him dumbfounded. “Here, I made
you a CD. I think it’s best if you just listen to it…it’s better that way.”
I lay on his bed, our bodies intertwined with each other. Making love the second time was probably almost as good as the first. I loved every moment being together. He panted heavily as we lay as one together. I ran my fingers through his head, feeling the curls wrap around my finger. He was absolutely perfect in every way.
“What do you miss most about Florida?” I asked, studying his perfect hair. He was the only guy that I had seen with sun-kissed hair like that.
“The girls,” he responded. I slapped him playfully and he let out a laugh. “I’m just joking. Florida was missing one girl…one perfect girl.” He kissed me passionately on the lips. “No, I really just miss the waves.”
“You mean surfing?” I asked.
He nodded his head. “I miss being out there on the water. And I miss the way that the sun hit me…making the saltwater dry up so quickly that I was practically always half dry and half wet. I can’t explain it…it was great.”
“Your tan seems to be fading,” I mentioned.
He nodded. “And I really miss my sister.”
“You have a sister?” I asked suddenly. Man, for as in love as I was with him, I sure didn’t know a lot. How did I not know that he had a sister?
He laughed. “Yes. She’s twenty-two. She lives with her husband down there.”
“What’s her name?”
“Marigold,” Keiffer responded. “Goldie for short. Hey, I know what you’re thinking!”
“What am I thinking?” I asked, suddenly on the defensive.
“You think my sister’s name is weird,” he answered.
I shook my head, suppressing a laugh. “Honestly, Keiffer, nothing surprises me anymore about your family. You guys are just plain weird.”
“Weird?” Keiffer laughed. “We may be different but we’re certainly not weird!” He started to tickle my sides and I squirmed while laughing my guts out. He suddenly became serious, watching my face as though he I was turning into a gorilla or something.
“I have something for you to listen to.” He slipped on his clothes and walked over to his computer. He took out a CD and popped it into the laptop. He kissed me on the forehead. “I’m going to leave, but I want you to listen. Please take this message seriously. And trust me…if you never want to speak to me again for this, I completely understand.”
“Nothing will make that happen,” I responded. “I love you so much…nothing could stand in the way of that.”
“Except for possibly this.” He stood back up, slipping out of the room. I laid back down on the bed, listening closely to what he had to say. I settled into his sheets…they smelled like him.
“Hey, Jenna…” The way he spoke my name through the CD made my heart skip a beat. How was he able to make it sound like he was in the middle of an orgasm when he said it? “By now you’ve endured two and a half months of me. We only have about two months until we’re home free. Now we have prom, spring break, and then the ever so popular…graduation.” He let out a chuckle at this.
“And you’ve got your anticipated speech. Which, I know you’ll be great at.” I tried to catch my breath as I listened to him. It felt like a million butterflies were in there. “I’m honestly not quite sure what’s going to happen to us. This scares me…more than you could ever imagine. This wasn’t apart of my plan. No, I wasn’t supposed to fall in love this year. Or any year. But I’m not going back on my word. No matter how beautiful, and sweet, and,” he paused as though he were trying to find the right word. “And perfect you may be, I’ll never let go of my word. That’s why you need to move on. Right now. While you have the chance.
“I’m going to tell you something now. Something that I haven’t told anyone about. My mom doesn’t know, my sister doesn’t have a clue…but you will. I’m only telling you because I trust you. And if you tell anyone, that’ll be the end of this.”
“I won’t tell anyone,” I whispered into the vacant room.
“My dad and I were pretty close. But he had a problem…a drug problem. The drugs took over his life. That’s where all his money was. My mom didn’t know…I don’t know how she didn’t. Either she didn’t want to admit it, or she decided that he needed to live his life like how he wanted. But he did live his life how he wanted. But soon the drugs came before anyone else in his life. And that’s what killed him.
“He told me that night he committed suicide…he said, ‘Keiffer, if you ever feel like you can’t control yourself. If you ever feel like you’re worthless. End it. End your life without even looking back.’ He let me see his revolver…the one that he shot his head off with later that day. It looked like a normal gun. It felt like one too. But that normal gun changed me forever.
“Jenna, by the time graduation comes…I will be dead…” The CD went blank, but I listened closely for him to say something else. I sat in his bed dumbstruck. Scrambling for my clothes, I threw them on and ran down the stairs. He was sitting on the porch with a glass of lemonade.
I stared at him in disbelief. How was he able to sit there so normally? He had that damn smile upon his face as he handed me the extra glass of lemonade. I took it hesitantly, still absolutely in awe at how he could feel this way.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I blurted.
He laughed, adverting his eyes from mine. “Is that the way you speak to a sick person, neighbor?”
“Just answer the damn question!” I demanded. “What’s wrong with you? Why did you just call yourself sick?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Guessing you never heard of depression…”
“I’ve heard of it,” I said quickly. “But I’ve also heard of medication!”
“Me too!” He smiled again and I felt the tears that I was holding back splash across my cheeks. He sighed before taking a sip of his drink. “You just don’t get it.”
“Don’t get what? The fact that you’re depressed? The fact that I just showed you how much I loved you and you still don’t understand that you’re special? What’s wrong with you?” I felt like I could have punched a hole through his house. “You’re scaring me, Keiffer!”
“Good!” He said back, his voice sounded demonic. “Good!” He said again once he got to his feet. “I’m scared too, Jenna. I wasn’t. No, I was more than content with my decision before I met you. But, now, everything’s changed.”
“And it should. Keiffer, I’m willing to change my whole life for you! If you just stay here, I’ll stay with you.”
“And what? Miss out on college? You’ve been working so hard to get where you are. Yet, you’re willing to just throw it away?” He brushed a strand of hair away from my face.
“I would do anything for you,” I responded. “If that’s what would keep you alive, then I would live in…Guatemala for you. I need you. I don’t think you understand that I really and truly do need you.”
“And I need you,” he responded. “But I don’t think I can give you what you want.”
“You can. You don’t have to do anything special. Just be you. Keiffer, just be you!” I wrapped him in a hug, feeling his arms fold around me. I cried for him…I cried for the fact that I may have lost him. I cried because I may still lose him.
Chapter Nine
“Hey, wake up!” Keiffer shook me slightly as I lay in my bed. I didn’t want to move…it felt like I had only been sleeping for a few hours. He tried again, shaking my shoulders slightly. “Come’on! Get up!” His voice was just barely over a whisper.
My dad didn’t know that Keiffer had been sleeping over at my house for the past two weeks. We had decided that my house would be better to stay in, considering the fact that my dad liked to knock on my door in the middle of the night to make sure I was still alive. He had been doing that lately…since mom left. After the whole incident with me staying over at Keiffer’s house, I made sure that I was never out of my room without my dad knowing. But it was a good thing that dad never came into my room becau
se then WWIII would break out if he caught Keiffer sleeping in the same bed as me. So we kept it a secret from him, our bodies molded together as one each night. No one knew… it was our little secret.
“Why?” I whispered back, my mind still stuck halfway in the dream.
“Because,” he answered back. I hated when he did that. He sometimes didn’t answer back completely.
“Because why?” I rolled over to look at the alarm clock. “Keiffer! It’s only four! I don’t have to be up for another two and a half hours!” I rolled my eyes before turning back over to my side. I hated getting up in the morning – especially almost three hours early.
“I know, I know! But I’m taking you somewhere special…”
“Special?” I snapped. After careful consideration, and knowing that I couldn’t say no to those beautiful eyes, I pulled the covers off and started to get dressed. “You better be taking me to a damn five-star breakfast buffet.”
“Better than that!” Keiffer said proudly, presenting me with a wrapped box. “I got you a gift.”
“Really?” I asked. Now I felt guilty about how mean I had been to him about this. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”
“I know,” he answered. He laughed when he saw the shock on my face. “I’m just kidding. But open it.”
I ripped off the wrapping paper and opened up the large white box. Inside was a black and pink wetsuit. I pulled it out of the box, confusion written all over my face. He grabbed it from my hands and placed it against my body to visualize it.
“Yes, I think a size small was perfect. Anyway, we need to get going.”
“Where are you taking me? Don’t forget that I have school and you promised that you would come to cheer practice after,” I said as I slipped my sandals on.
“How could I forget? You’ve been reminding me since yesterday morning!” He laughed as we both made our way to the beach.
The walk wasn’t too bad. The sun hadn’t even started to rise, which meant we were guided by the sounds of the waves and the street lights. I shivered as we walked, letting the April morning wind dig through my body suit. Keiffer placed his arm over my shoulders, trying to give me as much of his body heat as he could.
