by Meg Brenner
The sun had barely even made its appearance by the time we arrived at the beach. It wasn’t like I minded much, but it was only April…and Michigan! By this time all the snow had melted, but there was dew on the sand. We stood on the shore, debating whether or not it would be worth it to go. Keiffer had his surf board under one arm, his feet planted in the water.
“How cold is it?” I whined.
He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s perfect,” he responded. I stepped into the water, feeling the cold water pierce my skin. I shrieked and jumped back out. “For a polar bear.”
“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not a polar bear. Come’on let’s go home! We have school in less than a couple hours and I could still get a whole thirty minutes of sleep in.” I turned around to start heading back to the road, but then he reached out and caught me by the waist.
“I just want to spend some time with you,” he said while pulling me in closer to him. I laughed, pushing him off slightly.
“I’m flattered, but seriously. I’m cold, tired, and didn’t study for my Chemistry exam.”
“Then let’s study right now,” he pleaded. He went in for a kiss. I let him take one real quick, but I pulled out of the hug right after.
“How? I don’t have my book. Besides I don’t think that surfing is going to help me get an A on the test,” I teased. He laughed, running his fingers through his hair.
“Well, we got chemistry. Let’s study that for a bit,” he suggested. How was I supposed to say no to those perfect blue eyes? He drew me in again and I almost couldn’t regain myself control. “Oh, and I forgot to study Anatomy… may I study yours?”
“You’re such a sleaze!” I slapped his chest playfully. “Come’on we’ll go surfing this summer when the water isn’t negative thirty.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, this is Michigan. We’re like three hours from Canada. The water is never going to get warm. Don’t you want to learn? It’s the best feeling in the world!” He exclaimed.
“Let’s go back and I’ll show you the best feeling in the world,” I flirted.
He looked at the water, then back at me, then back at the water, and then back at me. Feeling defeated, he finally gave in to my proposition. “You knew I couldn’t argue with that.”
I laughed. “I kind of hoped!” I wrapped my arm around his waist as we walked back up to the road.
“How about I take you to Florida this summer?” He suggested. “We’ll go surfing all the time!”
The way he said it made his whole face light up with excitement. I, however, wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. “Well, see, this summer I’ll be getting ready for college. Yale is far from here and I’ve got to get an apartment, find a job, start reading my text-“ I watched his smile fade away. “Or we can go right after graduation,” I suggested.
He shook his head. “No, no that’s not a good idea. I forgot that you had plans.”
“No! It’s fine, Keiffer! Let’s go. Really!” The fact that he was even suggesting an actual plan for after high school was a big deal. Just last week his plan was suicide… now he was actually thinking about a future.
He stopped walking. “No, let’s just drop it. I forgot that you were leaving after high school and I’m not going to be the one to stop you.”
I grabbed his hand, begging him to stop walking. “Let’s not worry about the future.” I placed my hand upon his cheek, looking him deep in the eyes. “Let’s focus on now. The present. I’m here, you’re here…let’s just be with each other.”
He kissed me, closing his eyes. “I’m just worried.”
“Nothing’s going to happen,” I reassured him. “Indigo is getting you medicine…your mom always knows what’s best.”
“What if it doesn’t help?” He asked nervously.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Then let me be your drug. I can help you…if you would just let me.”
We dropped the conversation after that. Instead, after much coaxing, he got me to finally get out into the water. It definitely wasn’t easy by no means to get on that stupid surf board! I fell over at least a dozen times before I finally found my balance. Once Keiffer and I were both sitting comfortably on the board, he started to paddle out with his hands until we were farther out into the lake than what I was comfortable with.
He was sitting in front of me, allowing me to wrap my arms around his waist. Together we looked towards the horizon. The sun was creeping up slowly, allowing the night sky glow slightly. I placed my chin on his shoulder. How was he able to be this romantic? We had only been dating for three weeks, but each day was full of so much love. I was happy…for the first time in my life I was truly happy.
School was way different now than what it was a month ago. I wasn’t the popular girl on campus anymore. No, I was just plain Jenna Horowitz. No one ever came up to me in the hallway, nor did anyone even give me a second glance. In a way I missed the attention, but I had better things on my mind now.
“Hey, Jenna,” Lacey said as she walked up to me at my locker. I was putting my books away, just like I did every morning. She hadn’t brought me my morning latte since the day I broke up with Brad. It was as though she was trying to get rid of me.
I looked up at her, giving her my best remediation of a smile. It was weird…just weeks ago she had been one of the few people that could make me smile. She was my best friend and knew all of my darkest secrets. But since I met Keiffer, all of my energy, thoughts, and time went to him. No one was able to fill that void when he wasn’t around.
“Hey, Lacey. How are you?” I asked, shutting my locker door.
She shrugged her shoulders. “I guess I’m doing fine. We haven’t talked in a while…”
“It’s been a few weeks,” I laughed nervously. I missed her friendship, but I was enjoying Keiffer’s too much to even notice that Lacey had been missing in my life.
She tried her best to laugh it off too, but I knew she was truly upset. “We haven’t gone this long without talking in forever. Are we okay?”
“Yes, I guess so. I’ve just been a bit busy with…well, you know…”
“Keiffer?” She asked, eyeing me nervously. Everyone knew that we were dating, even if we didn’t announce it to the world. It brought me to social low, and it surprised me that Lacey was still willing to talk to me.
“You called?” Keiffer asked, stepping around the corner. He placed his hand on my hip after kissing me neatly. Lacey stared at him in disgust.
“I didn’t,” she spat. Keiffer got the hint and backed off. Instead, he started putting some of his books into my locker in order to free up some space in his backpack.
“Oh, Jenna!” Brenda said excitedly as she stepped around the corner. She, unsurprisingly, was holding hands with Brad. “I was hoping we would run into each other. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”
I rolled my eyes before noticing Brad’s expression. He looked miserable, as though he would rather be anywhere but there. “Oh, Brenda. I would rather get hit by a train than speak with you.”
“You’re too funny,” she laughed sarcastically. “Your beautiful sense of humor hasn’t changed a bit.”
“What do you want?” I asked, placing my hands on my hips.
“I just wanted to say that I heard that Principal Nelson talked to you a few weeks ago. Looks like you may not be giving the graduation speech after all. Guess you fucked up…again.” Her voice was snotty, as though she actually thought she was better than me. I felt myself start to fume.
“So, you’re still sulking?” I said rudely. “That’s pretty pathetic.”
“Actually…you’re pretty pathetic,” she noted while pointing at my pajama pants and t-shirt. “You look like you crawled out of a…” she stopped talking. “Wait, look at your boyfriend. Guess he’s not much better.”
“Hey!” Keiffer said at once. “Don’t drag me into this!”
“What? You mean you aren’t her boyfriend? Well, you must be quite a slut then, Jenna.” Br
enda looked up at Brad. “Because last I heard, you’re not much of a virgin anymore…are you?”
I quickly looked over at Brad, who was studying me with curious eyes. I felt my bottom lip start to tremble. No matter what, Brad still meant a lot of me. He had been my boyfriend for four years. I knew that that information was probably killing him.
“Oh, was I not supposed to say anything?” Brenda asked.
“Shut up!” Brad yelled at her. “Just shut up, Brenda!” He let go of her hand before storming away.
She just shrugged her shoulders and let out a cold laugh. “See you around, Keiffer.” She winked at him before walking away also. I turned to him, feeling my cheeks start to burn.
“Why did she say that?” I demanded.
“What? My name?”
“Why did she wink at you after she said your name?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Jenna!” He said quickly. “I don’t have the answer for everything.” He grabbed onto my hand, looking me deep into the eyes. “Brenda is nobody to me. And, honestly, I don’t understand this hate for her. Life is too short to hate.”
“Don’t criticize me,” I snapped. Crossing my arms, I refused to back down. I hated how I sometimes got like this. I knew that Brenda was just trying to get under my skin, but since seeing her with Brad it made me hate her even more. I looked down at the floor, kicking a stray pencil with my foot.
“It’s only bugging you because you still feel something for him,” Keiffer finally spoke up. My eyes met his, though I didn’t see any anger there. It was crazy how well he could figure me out. No one, not even my parents, could read my thoughts as well as he could. I didn’t believe in soul mates, but if I had to guess…Keiffer was definitely mine. It scared me at how well he knew me.
I slowly nodded my head. “I don’t love him…but I’ll always feel something for him.”
“I know,” he admitted. “And I think you need to go find him.” Without anything further, he shut the locker door and headed off towards first hour. Gathering up my pride, I walked in the direction where I saw Brad going. There was only one place he was going…and I was going to meet him there.
Stepping into the gym, I had never felt so small. Only a few rows of lights were on, which gave the room a dreary feel. The stands were pulled out and no one, besides Brad, was in there. I walked across the basketball court towards the bleachers. Brad was sitting all the way at the top. Neither of us said a word until I was seated comfortably next to him.
“How’ve things gotten so crazy between us?” He finally asked after a few moments of silence. “We don’t speak at work. You have a new boyfriend. I…I don’t know what Brenda and I are. Don’t you love me at all?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Brad, sometimes life changes unexpectedly. And it’s not something that we can plan. I haven’t done anything to deliberately hurt you…I’ve just…”
“Fallen in love,” Brad finished. He let out a laugh, pinched the bridge of his nose. “We dated for four years and you were never able to admit that you were even the slightest bit in love with me.”
“I think it’s a different kind of love between us. You’re always going to be important to me. But I don’t think I’m ready for such big commitments. And Keiffer…he’s just fun.” I pushed his hair back from his eyes. “I don’t hate you.”
“Did you really have sex with him?”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s just Brenda talking…you know how she is.”
“Yes, I do,” he admitted. “And she always has the latest gossip. The whole school is talking about it. I don’t know how people are finding out, but they are. And…and…and you never loved me enough to make love with me. I don’t understand.”
“Maybe it’s not something you need to understand. Maybe you can find forgiveness within yourself and we can start over. As friends.”
He stood up from the bleacher, towering over me. “I don’t want to be just friends with you, Jenna!” I could tell that he was extremely upset. “I want you. I want you as my girlfriend. I want to go back to what we had.”
I shook my head, biting my bottom lip nervously. “That’s the past, Brad. It’s over.”
He took in my face one more time before taking off. He left me alone with my thoughts. I was so numb…I couldn’t even cry. I found myself not crying as much anymore. Things were going well in my love life, which meant no matter what, Keiffer could always make my problems go away. Life was good…but I still wished that I had Brad by my side also.
Chapter Ten
By the time lunch came my sour attitude had already blown off. I was excited to spend the hour with Keiffer before going our separate ways later that day.
“So, basically I’m going to start off my paper with a quick introduction of you,” I said while taking a bite of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich that Indigo had made me the night before. She had been making double lunches for both Keiffer and me since she found out about my mom leaving. I think it was her way of thanking me for hanging out with her son…though she still didn’t know that he and I were an item.
Keiffer sat at the table, his eyes looking straight forward. He hadn’t said a word to me since this morning. I knew that the whole Brad thing had probably really bothered him, but I had chosen him, didn’t I? I was sitting at the corner table with him. I was being ostracized whereas Brad, Brenda, and the rest of my old crew sat on the other side of the cafeteria. Now I could see just how everyone else used to see me. We were the big, fun table…we were the celebrities. Now I was just a peon, but I was with Keiffer and that was all that mattered.
“I kind of want to tell them about your obsession with surfing first,” I laughed. “Maybe open up with the positives only,” I teased. He didn’t even crack a smile. Instead, he kept his eyes straight forward. “Are you okay?”
He didn’t answer. I placed my hand on his, watching his eyes flick towards me as though he finally woke up from a dream. He didn’t smile, but instead retracted his hand. He took a deep breath, digging into his lunch.
“Are you okay?” I asked again. “You’ve been distant.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Did you get your acceptance letter from Yale yet?”
I shook my head. “No. However, it should be coming in the mail either today or tomorrow. I’m so excited, Keiffer!”
He didn’t say anything again before taking a bite of his own sandwich. “So even if you are accepted, you’re going to go?”
“Well, as of right now I’m planning to. It’s not like I’m moving to Cancun. But I was thinking,” I put my sandwich down. “I was thinking that you should move with me. I mean, you don’t have any plans and we could get an apartment together!” I had been thinking about it for a while, but just didn’t tell him yet.
He shook his head. “No, I’m moving to Florida.”
“When did you actually decide that?” I asked. I felt a little hurt that he had made plans without even asking me first. We were a couple…we always told each other everything. “We never discussed you actually moving. We’ve been making small plans here and there, but there was nothing actually permanent.”
“I’ve got a life outside of you,” he said rudely.
“Well, I know,” I answered shocked. “You don’t have to be mean.”
“I’m not being mean!” He practically yelled. “You just assumed that you were going to drag me with you as though my future didn’t matter. Jenna, you know my future! You know my plans! My plans don’t include college. My plans don’t even include breathing. I’m not going to move with you. I’m not whipped!”
“I thought you were getting medication,” I said through clenched teeth. I hated when he talked like that. Honestly, it scared me. Sometimes he would be fine. He would be happy, full of life. But sometimes something inside of him would just snap and he would become a whole different person. It was days like today that I dreaded.
“Medication isn’t going to do anything, Jenna!” He stood up from the table. “I’m not go
ing to follow you to the ends of the world. It’s time you start to realize that. I told you from the beginning that I’m not the person you want me to be.”
“I know who you are,” I piped up. Standing to my feet also, I grabbed his shoulders and brought him in so our foreheads were touching. “You just need to calm down.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” he growled. “I think it’s time you get back with Brad.”
“You don’t mean that. You’re just cranky. Listen, we’ll go home and relax. Okay? Tomorrow’s a new day…”
He pushed my hands off his shoulders. “I know you still love him. Stop denying it. There’s nothing going on between us.”
“You say this every time you start to get nervous –“
“Not this time, Jenna.” He closed his eyes. “This needs to end.”
I felt my jaw start to drop. “That’s what you say now but then you’ll apologize later. Let’s just skip your feelings right now. Don’t succumb to them.”
“You’re so annoying!” He hissed. “Don’t follow me.” With that, he stepped around me and fled out of the cafeteria. No one had even looked up from their conversations to watch our little spat. I was so used to these. However, this was the first time in weeks since he actually broke up with me. I knew he was scared, but a piece of me didn’t know how long this depression was going to last. It was always a roller coaster with him. One day he could be completely in love with me, and other days (like today) he could hate my guts.
I don’t know if it’s even worth mentioning, but Keiffer stopped going to school. It was just like he disappeared. No matter how many times I went to his house, no one ever opened the door. He even had Indigo not answering, which was practically unheard of. By the time Friday came around, I was nearly a mess. Was he ever going to speak to me again?
