Under the Boss’s Mistletoe

by Jessica Hart

  ‘That he’d be pining for you?’

  ‘Yes.’ She nodded miserably. ‘I’ve been such a fool,’ she burst out. ‘Rupert-he was like a madness. I’ve always been so sensible, and to be pursued like that by someone so glamorous and so exciting, well, I was flattered. You know what Rupert’s like.’

  ‘Yes, I know,’ said Cassie. ‘But I know what Jake is like too, and so should you. He’s worth a thousand Ruperts, and he deserved better than being left without warning-and for Rupert of all people! You must have known how humiliating that would be for him,’ she said accusingly.

  Natasha bit her lip. ‘I can see that now, of course I can, but at the time I wasn’t thinking clearly.’

  Dropping her head into her hands, she clutched her perfectly straight blonde hair with her perfectly manicured fingers. ‘It sounds crazy now, but I just lost my head. I was tired of being clever and careful and doing the right thing all the time. Rupert was such fun and so seductive. Being with him seemed like my only chance to do something wild and spontaneous. It was like my own little rebellion.’

  ‘A little self-indulgent, don’t you think?’ said Cassie, unmoved. ‘Couldn’t you have found a way to have fun and be spontaneous that didn’t involve hurting Jake?’

  ‘I never meant to hurt him, you must believe that!’ Natasha lifted her head to look at Cassie with imploring green eyes. ‘We never had a very demonstrative relationship. I suppose other people would have looked at us and thought we were cool, but I didn’t appreciate what I had. I thought I wanted something different, but then I didn’t like it. The truth is that I’m not a rebel. I’m conventional. I’m careful. I like a plan, just like Jake. With Rupert, I never know where we’re going to be or what we’ll be doing, and I hate it!

  ‘I miss Jake,’ she said on a sob, and the tears spilled over at last. ‘When I’m with him, I feel so safe. We had so much in common. We were perfect together, but I treated him so badly, and now I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me.’

  Cassie poured boiling water onto two tea bags. Her face felt tight. Her heart felt tight. ‘Why have you come to me?’ she asked coolly, squeezing the bags with a spoon before fishing them out.

  Natasha wiped tears from under her eyes. Predictably, she was one of those women who looked beautiful even when they were crying. When Cassie cried, she went all blotchy, her nose ran and her eyes turned piggy.

  ‘Because Rupert said he doesn’t think you’re really engaged to Jake,’ said Natasha in a rush. ‘He thinks Jake is just saving face, and if…if that’s true…then I would like to go to him, to tell him how desperately sorry I am that I hurt him, and ask if he’ll give me another chance. I swear I would never do anything like this again,’ she promised, an edge of desperation in her voice. ‘I can be what Jake needs, I know I can.’

  Tight-lipped, Cassie handed Natasha a mug and pushed the carton of milk towards her. She wasn’t ready to prove Rupert right just yet, and besides there was last night. Everything had changed now.

  Hadn’t it?

  ‘And what does Jake need?’ she prevaricated.

  ‘He needs someone who’ll make him feel safe too,’ said Natasha. ‘I know what a struggle it has been for him to get where he is now. He needs someone who’ll let him forget the past and love him for the person he is now. Someone who understands what drives him and doesn’t try to challenge him.’

  No, thought Cassie instinctively. She shook her head. ‘I think you’re wrong,’ she said. ‘Jake shouldn’t forget the past. He needs to accept it, accept that it’s part of him. You can’t just pretend the past never existed.’

  ‘If someone doesn’t want to talk about their childhood, you should respect that,’ said Natasha. ‘Jake knew I would never press him about it. It’s one of the reasons he felt comfortable with me.’

  Cassie could feel herself prickling with irritation. ‘Jake deserves more than comfortable, Natasha,’ she said. ‘He needs laughter and love and passion and-and acceptance of who he was and who he is.’

  ‘I can give him all of that,’ said Natasha defensively. ‘I do accept him. If I didn’t, I would want to change him, and I don’t. He doesn’t need to change for me.’

  But perhaps he needed to change for himself.

  Jake needed to let down his guard, to throw away his rule book and his specifications and let himself love and be loved-but that would mean him giving up control, and Cassie wasn’t sure he would be able to do that.

  He didn’t believe in love. Jake had made that very clear. He thought all you needed for a successful relationship was a formula, and Natasha fitted his specifications perfectly. He had told her that.

  They had agreed that they were completely incompatible. Two nights weren’t going to change that, were they?

  Cassie’s heart cracked. She so wanted to believe that this magical weekend had been the start of something wonderful, but what, really, did she have to go on? When Jake kissed her, when his hands drifted lazily, possessively, over her body, she hadn’t needed to hear that he loved her. Then, the here and now had been enough, but now he had gone, and she could feel her confidence leaking out of her in the face of Natasha’s glowing beauty.

  It was too easy now to wonder if he had turned to her on the rebound from Natasha, if he had simply been looking for someone different to distract him from the hurt and the humiliation of being left by the woman he really wanted.

  Now, too late, she could remember that it had only ever been a pretence, and Jake had never suggested otherwise. Why hadn’t she remembered that before?

  Because it wasn’t a pretence for her, not any more. Cassie loved Jake. She knew that she could give him what he really needed.

  But what he needed wasn’t necessarily what he wanted.

  Stirring her tea, Cassie looked across the table at Natasha, who had dried her tears and was looking poised and elegant once more.

  Looking exactly like the kind of woman Jake had aspired to for so long.

  A lead weight was gathering in Cassie’s chest as she remembered everything Jake had ever told her. He didn’t want to take the risk of falling in love. He didn’t want to lose control. He didn’t want to change.

  Natasha could give him so many of things he had said he did want. She wouldn’t push him. She would let him keep his emotions all buttoned up-and wasn’t that, really, all Jake wanted?

  Strange that she and Natasha should love the same man when they were so different, Cassie thought. There was Natasha: so beautiful, so sensible, so classy and so cool, representing the future Jake had worked so hard for-and there was her; clumsy, messy Cassie who muddled through and did her best but would never be more than an also-ran. Who would always be associated with the past he resented so much.

  Did she really think Jake would rather be with her than Natasha?

  Better to face reality now, Cassie decided. She wasted too much of her life dreaming as it was. This time, she would be the sensible one.

  Natasha had been watching her face. ‘Is it true?’ she asked quietly. ‘Is Jake just trying to save face by pretending to be engaged to you?’

  Cassie looked down at the ruby ring which she had never got round to taking off the night before. Very slowly, she drew it off and dropped it onto the table, where it clattered and rolled for a moment before toppling over.

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘It’s true.’

  ‘You did what?’ said Tina in disbelief. She had arrived about ten minutes after Natasha had left to find Cassie a sodden mess in the kitchen.

  ‘I told Natasha the truth.’

  ‘And sent her back to Jake with your ring? You’re mad, Cassie! You and Jake had something really good going there.’

  ‘We were just pretending,’ said Cassie drearily, blowing her nose. Unlike Natasha, she wasn’t a pretty sight when she cried, and she had just cried more than she had ever cried before.

  Tina wasn’t having any of it. ‘Don’t give me that. I saw the way you kissed each other last night. There was nothing fake ab
out that. Good grief, the top of my head practically blew off, and that was just watching you!’ She put her hands on her hips and shook her head at Cassie. ‘I can’t believe you’d just give up and let that drippy Natasha swan back to him. It’s not like you to be so wet. You’re crazy about Jake, and you just gave him up without a fight. What’s that about?’

  ‘Because it’s not a fight I could ever win,’ Cassie said miserably. Did Tina think she hadn’t thought about it? ‘We’re completely incompatible.’

  ‘You looked pretty compatible to me last night.’

  Cassie’s eyes filled with tears again and she swiped angrily at them with the back of her hand. ‘We want different things, Tina. Jake thinks he can order a relationship like everything else, and I’m holding out for something he thinks doesn’t exist. I want someone to love me, someone who needs me as much as I need him. Jake thinks that’s a fairy tale.’

  ‘I’m sure he does love you, Cassie,’ said Tina, putting an arm around her shoulders. ‘He may not realise it yet, that’s all. I bet you anything he’ll send Natasha away with a flea in her ear, and come roaring back down here with that ring as soon as he hears what you’ve done.’

  But Jake didn’t come. On Wednesday, Cassie sent him a brief, businesslike email saying that she was staying in Portrevick for a while to oversee work on the Hall. She didn’t mention Natasha, and nor did Jake when he replied.

  Thanks for update, was all he said. Keep me posted. Regards, Jake.

  Regards? Regards? Was that all he could say after he had rolled her beneath him and smiled against her throat? After his hands had unlocked her, made her gasp and arch? After he had loved her slowly, thoroughly, gloriously, and held her, still shaking, as they spiralled back to reality together?

  How dared he? Furious, Cassie stabbed at the delete button. How dared he send her regards after he had made her love him?

  Sheer anger kept her going all afternoon, but when it leaked away it left her more miserable than ever.

  ‘Tell him how you feel,’ said Tina, exasperated. ‘Put yourself in Jake’s shoes. He’s got no idea that you care for him at all. You have a great weekend together, and the next thing he knows you’ve tossed him back his ring and told Natasha he’s all hers. What’s the poor bloke supposed to think?’

  ‘What am I supposed to think?’ Cassie protested tearfully. ‘He didn’t even suggest meeting up in London.’

  ‘He’s probably terrified you’ll think he’s getting too heavy. If you ask me, you’re both being big babies,’ said Tina. ‘At least Natasha had the guts to go and tell him how she felt.’

  The mention of Natasha was enough to plunge Cassie back into the depths. ‘How can I go? He’ll be back with Natasha by now.’ She tortured herself by imagining the two of them together. How could Jake have resisted those green eyes shimmering with love and the promise of calm? When Cassie looked at herself in the mirror she saw eyes puffy with tears, awful skin and limp hair. There was no way Jake would want her now, even if he wasn’t dazzled anew by Natasha’s beauty.

  At least work on the Hall was going well, she tried to console herself. Joss was pleased with the way the project was going, and as November was never a busy time for weddings she was happy for Cassie to stay in Cornwall for the time being. It was bittersweet, being up at the Hall every day, but Cassie threw herself into the job. It was all she had left.

  Three long, wretched weeks dragged past. The days got shorter, darker and damper, and Cassie got more miserable. It was time to go back to London and pick up her old life, she decided grimly. She had been perfectly happy before, and she would be again. It wasn’t as if she was likely to bump into Jake. London was a big city and their lives would never cross, unless he was tactless enough to ask her to plan his wedding to Natasha. Cassie couldn’t see that happening. No, she would go back, stick to the job she could do and stop trying to be someone she wasn’t.

  ‘I’ll be back tomorrow,’ she told Joss, and went for a last walk on the beach. The sea was wild, the sky as grey as her mood. It was very cold, and the spray from the crashing waves stung her cheeks.

  Head bent, Cassie trudged along the sand. There were no surfers today, no lifeguards, and she had the beach to herself. Except, she realised, for a figure in black leathers that was heading towards her from the dunes. Some biker who must have left his motorbike in the car park, and, not content with roaring through the villages disturbing everyone’s peace, was now spoiling her solitude.

  Cassie scowled. There were plenty of other empty beaches in Cornwall at this time of year. Why did he have to come here? She wanted to be miserable on her own, thank you very much.

  And he was coming straight for her! Cassie glared at him, and was just about to turn pointedly on her heel when she stopped. Hang on, wasn’t there something familiar about that walk? About that self-contained stride? She looked harder. The set of those shoulders, the darkness of the hair… It couldn’t be, could it?

  All at once a great hand seemed to close tight around her, inside her, gripping her heart, her lungs and her entrails so that she couldn’t breathe. She could just stand and stare, brown eyes huge with disbelief and desperate hope, as he came closer and closer until he was standing right in front of her.

  ‘So this is where you are,’ said Jake.

  ‘Jake.’ It came out as little more than a squeak.

  Cassie was completely thrown, ricocheting around between astonishment, sheer joy and confusion at how different he looked. Standing there in black leather, he seemed younger, wilder, and the guarded look she had become used to had been replaced by a reckless glint. The wind ruffled his hair, and with the angry sea behind him he looked so like the old Jake that she could hardly speak.

  ‘What…what are you doing here?’ she stammered at last.

  ‘Looking for you,’ said Jake.

  He sounded the same. He just looked so…Cassie couldn’t think of a word to describe how he looked, but it was making her heart boom so loudly that it drowned out the crashing waves and the wind that was whistling past her ears.

  She swallowed hard. This, remember, was still the Jake who had gone back to London without a word about the future, who had sent her his regards.

  ‘What for?’ she asked almost rudely.

  ‘I bought a motorbike,’ he said. ‘I wanted to show you. Everyone thinks I’m having a midlife crisis, but I thought you would understand.’

  ‘I would?’

  ‘You were the one who said that riding a bike wouldn’t change me, that I could let go just a little and I wouldn’t lose everything I’d fought to be.’

  Cassie eyed the leathers. They made him look lean, hard and very tough. Of course, he looked like that in a suit too, but now he was even more unsettling. ‘I’m not sure I was right about that,’ she said. ‘You look like you’ve changed to me.’

  ‘But I haven’t,’ said Jake. ‘I’m still Chief Executive of Primordia. I still have my MBA, my experience, my career. My world hasn’t fallen apart because I bought a bike. I really thought that it would,’ he said. ‘I was afraid that I might lose myself, but I’ve found myself instead. I’ve realised that I can’t change the past. I have to accept that my family, my past, that difficult boy I was, all of them are part of who I am now.’ A smile lurked in his eyes as he looked at Cassie. ‘You were right about that too.’

  Cassie moistened her lips. ‘I don’t think I’ve been right so often before,’ she tried to joke, not knowing what else to do, not knowing what was happening, knowing only that all her certainties were being shaken around like flakes in a snow globe.

  ‘You weren’t right about Natasha,’ said Jake. ‘You sent her to me because you thought she was what I wanted, didn’t you?’

  ‘She is what you want.’ It was cold in the wind, and Cassie hugged her jacket about her. By unspoken consent, they turned their backs to the wind and started walking back along the beach, the sand damp and firm beneath their feet.

  Cassie dug her hands in her pockets and h
unched her shoulders defensively. ‘You told me she was,’ she reminded him. ‘You told me she was perfect.’

  ‘I thought she was,’ he admitted. ‘I thought I needed someone cool and careful, like I was trying so hard to be. I thought I needed someone who would help me fit in, who would help me forget what I’d been and where I’d come from.’

  ‘Someone like Natasha,’ said Cassie bitterly.

  ‘Yes. I thought Natasha was exactly what I needed, but I was wrong,’ said Jake. ‘It took meeting you again to realise that what I really needed was someone who would make me laugh, who would give me the strength to let go of everything I thought I needed.’ He slowed, and Cassie slowed with him, until they had stopped and were facing each other alone on the beach.

  ‘Someone who would make me remember, not forget,’ he said, his voice very deep and low. ‘Someone who would force me to stop running away from the life I had here and accept it as part of who I am.’

  He looked down at Cassie, whose hands were still thrust into the pockets of her jacket, and he could see the realisation of what he had come to say dawning in the brown eyes.

  ‘Someone like you,’ he said.

  ‘But-but, Jake, you can’t need me,’ she said in disbelief, even as Jake was reaching for her wrists and tugging her hands gently from her pockets. ‘I’m the last person you can want. I’m not sensible or clever or beautiful or-or anything,’ she said, but her fingers were twining of their own accord around Jake’s. ‘I’m useless.’

  ‘Useless?’ he said. ‘You’ve transformed the Hall, organised a ball, set up a wonderful marketing opportunity with a magazine, charmed the socks off everyone who met you in London. You’re not useless at all,’ he said sternly.

  ‘My family wouldn’t agree with you,’ she sighed. ‘I haven’t achieved anything, not like the rest of you, with your degrees and your fantastically successful careers.’

  ‘But you can do the things your clever, successful family can’t.’

  ‘Oh yes? Like what?’

  ‘Like make the sun seem brighter when you smile,’ said Jake. ‘Like making me laugh. Like making me happy.’ He drew her closer. ‘Like making me safe,’ he said softly. ‘Cassie, tell me I can do that for you too.’