Collide Series Box Set

by J. C. Hannigan

  I was never fond of walking around at night, and my past hadn't exactly eased my anxieties about it. But I also knew how to defend myself, or at the very least, how to run fast and scream. I carried pepper spray with me and made sure I walked down the brightly lit portion of the street. My heart still pounded in my chest any time I passed an unfamiliar person, but I made it home safely. I unlocked my apartment door and was greeted by the delicious scent of Chinese take-out. My mouth started watering in response to the assault on my nose.

  "Oh my God, that smells amazing," I said, practically drooling as I kicked my shoes off and made my way over to the island that separated our kitchen from the open concept living room. Several boxes from our favourite Chinese take-out spot were laid out, along with two plates. Jenna was leaning into the refrigerator, searching for something to drink.

  Neither one of us were big on cooking. We lived off of take-out and frozen dinners, which explained why I had gained a couple of pounds. Every once in a while, one of us would go on a health kick and try to cook healthy for a while. It typically lasted a week, if that.

  "You're just in time," Jenna told me, closing the refrigerator with two bottles of water in her hand. "The guy just delivered it."

  My stomach rumbled, reminding me that I had skipped lunch and dinner and my breakfast had only consisted of a cup of coffee. I snagged a plate and started filling it with the delectable goodies from the stark white cartons. Jenna followed suit. We didn't have a kitchen table, so we made our way over to our second hand couch and set our plates down on the coffee table.

  "I'm so hungry," I whined, practically moaning as I shoveled a hot spoonful of Chow Mein into my mouth.

  "You should probably stop forgetting to eat," Jenna commented, eyeing me judgmentally as I scarfed down another bite. "Unless you want to ward off any potential love interests with your Neanderthal table manners."

  I snorted, nearly choking on the mouthful I'd been trying to swallow. I grabbed the water bottle, drinking to help move the clump of food down my esophagus. "Funny girl," I muttered.

  Jenna smirked, pleased with herself. She grabbed the remote off of the coffee table and started flicking through the channels, looking for something to watch. She settled on reruns of The Jersey Shore.

  "Will you ever get tired of watching that?" I grumbled, irritated at her choice. I wrestled the remote off her, choosing an episode of The Simpsons instead. At least re-runs of The Simpsons were slightly more tolerable.

  "Old habits die hard," Jenna remarked, looking at my collarbone where the silver necklace Iain had given me still rested.

  "I know." I sighed, rolling my eyes. She was right, of course. The mention of Iain prompted my thoughts to drift. This time, it wasn't Iain's face I pictured.

  "What's with that look?" Jenna inquired, taking a bite of an egg roll. She chewed, staring at me as she waited for me to explain.

  Jenna and I had grown extremely close over the last several years. We were best friends—practically sisters. She tolerated my dark and brooding moods, and I tolerated her spells as well. Jenna, as happy and bubbly as she naturally was, still had her moments of falling into deep depression.

  Every once in a while, Jenna would think about the little baby girl she gave up for adoption. I knew it was the hardest decision she had ever made, and would remain the hardest decision she would ever have to make. Prior to being raped by Andrew Cooper, she'd been a virgin, hoping to save herself until marriage...or, at least until she found someone she really cared about. The first time she'd ever gotten pregnant, and it was with the guy who raped her and ripped her virginity from her. I could fully understand her moments of depression.

  Jenna and I bonded over our similar experiences. My first time wasn't the storybook picture of perfection either. I (like Jenna) also had my virginity stolen from me as if I'd had no right to it to begin with. I went to a party with my boyfriend at the time, to celebrate his win in a silly little high school basketball game. Things were new with Cole, and I tended to go along with whatever he said. I never expected him to slip a roofie into my drink, nor did I expect him and his buddies on the basketball team to take turns raping me.

  I kept silent about the gang rape out of shame and embarrassment. I didn’t report it to anybody. In fact, I barely told anybody about it. Shortly after the incident, I switched schools and met a girl named Lauren. She quickly became my best friend, and for the longest time, she'd been the only one who knew what really happened that night. The rest of my peers thought I was just a whore.

  My friendship with Lauren was intense. Lauren had a taste for trouble, and I tended to go along with her absurd plans. Lauren had a way of making things sound like a good idea. At the time, I was rebelling a lot and trying to overcome what happened to me at my old school. I wanted to forget. Lauren's plans always seemed fun and she had a way of getting me to forget about all the crap from my past and let go. It was her zest for life, her hunger to just be that made her who she was.

  Lauren introduced me to my second boyfriend, Rhys. He was best friends with her boyfriend, Alex. The two of them worked at a tattoo shop in Toronto. I met Rhys when Lauren and I skipped school one day to get friendship tattoos. The six minimalist black birds in flight across my left collarbone was done by Rhys. It was a painful reminder of a painful past, but also a beautiful tribute to my friend. Lauren had the same piece inked across her right collarbone by Alex.

  My relationship with Rhys was one born out of convenience. At the time, it made sense to date him. His best friend was dating my best friend, he was cute, and he hooked me up with free tattoos. He'd done a gorgeous cherry blossom tree that crept up my right ribcage and cupped under my breast. But Rhys and I never connected. He never cared to hear about my day or get to know what happened inside my head. I was convenient to him in the same way he was convenient to me.

  Lauren died in a car crash during our eleventh grade year. It happened on the way home from a Halloween party we went to with Rhys and Alex. Rhys was driving the vehicle and lost control. At the time, he was completely messed up on cocaine. I wish I had known that he was high. My biggest regret is getting into the car that night with Lauren. I lost the first person I had ever really felt a true and real connection to and it nearly ruined me. It was a big part of the reason why I had relocated from Toronto to North Bay. I desperately needed a change, plus my mom had remarried and the guy lived there.

  "You gonna tell me?" Jenna asked, still patiently waiting for me to continue. I chewed on my lip thoughtfully. Jenna was always open and honest with me, and while I didn't exactly enjoy divulging any of the heavy shit that went on in my mind, with her I tried. She wanted to know and she wanted to be there. I guess that's what made her different from anyone else I knew. She was the only one who knew about my past, and about Lauren – Iain hadn’t even known.

  "I don't know." I shrugged, shifting uncomfortably under her intense stare down. "I sort of met someone today.”

  "How do you sort of meet someone?" Jenna questioned, her lips curling with a slightly amused smile. I shrugged, choosing to shove another spoonful of food into my mouth instead of answering her. She waited a beat before impatiently rolling her eyes. "Okay, so tell me about this person you sort of met."

  "I don't know," I said, my voice muffled with food. "He's hot, I guess."

  "How hot?" Jenna grinned, loving that I was sharing this rather insignificant detail with her. I was going to just keep it to myself, but I felt the need to hear her opinion about the sudden attraction I had felt, even though I knew what she would say. I knew she worried about me, and I wanted to give her a reason to let go of some of that worry. Maybe hearing that I'd actually been attracted to someone who wasn't Iain would help with that.

  "Not Harry Potter hot," I admitted, smirking at her. "But, more like..." I paused, thinking about the different kind of actors I could compare Jax to. "Jason Momoa. But Conan The Barbarian Jason Momoa, not Baywatch."

  "Oh, nice!" Jenna said, nodding with appro
val. "So, what's the problem?"

  "I don't know. He just...stood out. He's hot."

  "This is a big deal," Jenna declared, looking on at me proudly. "You haven't been attracted to anybody since Iain!"

  "I know." I gritted my teeth, annoyed at the reminder. I had hoped that she wouldn't point it out. "But I'm honestly not ready for anything. Not that he asked."

  Truthfully, I was afraid. I'd felt attraction before. I'd definitely felt it with Iain. I knew what it was like to be in lust, and in love. But my track record wasn't exactly good. Bad things seemed to happen whenever I dated anyone. Take Cole and the basketball team, for example. Then there was Rhys, the very reason why I no longer had Lauren in my life.

  Then there was Iain. Two years was a long time to reflect upon one’s choices, and I couldn't help but see the whole situation from an entirely different perspective—one marred with doubt and insecurity. Iain's silence since his arrest suggested that maybe he felt the same way I was feeling; wrong about it. When it was happening, it felt so right. Iain awoke things in me that I didn't know existed. But now, as I stood in the aftermath, I questioned it all. I wasn't looking at things through rose coloured glasses anymore. I had no doubt that my feelings for Iain were legitimate. I knew it was real, but I didn't know if what we had done was right.

  It didn't help that the psychologist I was seeing at my mother's request basically told me in more ways than one just how deviant the whole thing had been. It was easy to believe your love was real and raw and perfect when that person was there with you, reminding you just how true it was. But once that person leaves, you start to question things a little more.

  I suppose it didn't matter. Iain's silence meant that he'd also had time to think. The result wasn't a desire to be with me. If he had wanted that, I would know by now.

  "You just met him; you felt an attraction," Jenna said wisely, her words coaxing me back to the present. "Don't read into it any more than that. Take things a day at a time. Just...don't close yourself off."

  Adjusting to my busy new schedule after a summer off from the worries of university was disorienting. It was difficult to get back into the groove of classes, work, and a meager social life, but I was determined to not let anything fall through the cracks.

  I caught myself scanning each classroom for familiar faces; one in particular. I couldn't understand why he stood out in my mind, why my thoughts occasionally drifted to him with open curiosity. I suppose certain people make lasting impressions on us.

  I saw a few people I had shared classes with in previous years, but I didn't see the face I was looking for. I wouldn’t see Jax again until our psychology lecture that following Monday.

  Knowing the professor’s strict intolerance for lateness, I didn’t want a repeat of last week, so I arrived early. Professor Pedersen was setting up the slideshow she had prepared on her laptop and barely lifted her eyes at my arrival. I quietly made my way to a secluded section where I would still be able to see and hear Professor Pedersen's seminar.

  I sat down, relishing in the emptiness of the hall. I flipped down the tray on the armrest, set my notebook on it and opened it. I started to dig for a pen in the bottom of my messenger bag.

  "Is this seat taken?" a voice asked, rousing me from my search. I looked up, feeling flustered at the wave of nervous anticipation and excitement that washed over me upon hearing his voice. Jax grinned down at me, and I was struck with how remarkably tall he was. His presence was commanding; I couldn't help but feel slightly intimated by him.

  A wave of guilt accompanied the pleasant sensation that rolled in my lower belly. It perplexed me; attraction, lust, and guilt were rolled up in one. Three perfect emotions to deal with on a Monday at an ungodly hour.

  "No, but neither are any of the others," I replied, my brow furrowing in annoyance at my body's reaction. I gestured with my head to the near empty hall pointedly. Jax grinned, amused by my answer, and sat down in the seat beside me.

  "I like the view from here," he answered, sending me an appreciative look. My frown increased to match the sudden increase of my heartbeat. I took a deep, calming breath, closing my eyes as I tried to regain my composure and patience.

  When I opened my eyes, Jax was still looking at me, his head tilted as if he was studying something incredibly complex yet captivating.

  "If you're going to be here, be quiet," I grumbled, forcing my gaze away from his intriguing eyes. The golden rings that danced around his pupils were borderline hypnotizing.

  "Yes, ma'am," Jax said coyly with a salute of the hand.

  I tried to ignore him, but class wasn't due to start for another ten minutes. I resumed my quest for a pen, knowing I had ten of them buried somewhere in the depths of my bag.

  "Need a pen?" he asked, holding one out to me.

  "No, thank you." I sighed in aggravation. He shrugged, drawing his arm away. A moment later, I found one. I pulled it out, testing it on the blank page of my notebook. Blue ink flowed from the tip of the pen. Satisfied, I wrote the date and rested the pen against the page.

  I bit down on my lip, feeling the heat of Jax's gaze upon my face. It was doing strange things to my blood. All at once I felt a wave of heat come over me. I was blushing—an uncommon thing for me. He was unsettling me, and I didn't like it. "If you're going to stare at me the whole time, I'd rather you move to another seat. Preferably one farther away."

  Jax smiled, amusement dancing in his eyes, causing my annoyance to grow. "Who says I was staring at you?"

  I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. "Whatever. Just...don't be distracting."

  "I should be telling you to not be distracting," Jax argued, angling his body to me. His eyes lit up something in me, something that had been sleeping for the last little while. Desire.

  I didn't like it.

  "How am I distracting you?" I narrowed my eyes. "I'm not stalker-staring at you."

  Jax laughed; a rich, delightful sound that prompted my lips to curve up slightly in response. "Stalker-staring, huh?"

  "Yup," I said, accenting the ‘P’ with a pop of my lips. I sent him a challenging look.

  "Actually, I was just trying to figure out a polite way of telling you..." he hesitated, looking deeply amused.

  "Telling me what?" I frowned.

  "You've got a little toothpaste, right here..." he said, using his thumb to wipe away what he claimed was toothpaste from the corner of my mouth, leaving tingles in its wake and me almost breathless. I frowned deeper, irritated at the uninvited personal contact. I grabbed his hand, pushing it away from my face.

  A strange torment of emotions took over me. On the one hand, I was mortified that I'd left my apartment with toothpaste on my face. Being mortified was rare for me. I didn't embarrass easily, or at least I didn’t show it. On the other hand, I hated being touched without permission, or at least without initiating it. Third, I found myself not hating Jax’s touch, which both angered me and made me feel guilty.

  "I don't like to be touched," I said, my voice wavering slightly. I hoped he couldn't sense what his simple, brief gesture had done to me.

  "Sorry." Jax's voice was sincere, but at the same time...it wasn't. "It's gone now," he assured me.

  Before I could reply, the firm click of the lecture hall doors closing alerted me that class was about to start. I closed my mouth, watching Professor Pedersen's smart heels click against the floor as she returned to the podium.

  Professor Pedersen was dressed in a conservative looking pencil skirt, brown in colour. Her plain brown heels complimented her stern personality perfectly. She surveyed the now full hall. As her eyes swept from one side of the room to the other, silence fell. The other students sensed the same thing I did: Professor Pedersen wasn't the kind of professor to take any shit.

  Despite her calling me out on the first day, I couldn't help but respect her. I settled back in my seat comfortably, ready to focus.

  Professor Pedersen's voice washed over me. At first, I listened with rapt attention, then
Jax's arm accidentally brushed mine. I felt a sensation similar to that of an electric shock. My body responded with goose bumps and raised hair. I pulled my arm to my side, rattled. Jax seemed unbothered by the contact; he was listening to the lecture and writing down notes.

  I tried to regain my focus, but all I could do was sit and analyze my own behaviour.

  I hadn't dated since the whole Iain thing. I hadn't had the slightest desire to.

  The one good relationship I thought I had was with Iain. I received no closure from him, so moving on had been difficult. I was stuck in a strange limbo, unable to move forward, but also not wanting to. Not a single guy had sparked my interest since then; at least no one until Jax.

  I spared a glance at Jax. He was still writing, pen to paper, looking up every once in a while at Professor Pedersen. Occasionally, he'd tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear.

  I sunk lower in my seat, pushing myself as far away from Jax as I could without drawing attention to myself. I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye, his gaze still facing the front of the room.

  When class ended, I couldn't get away fast enough. I shoved my stuff into my bag quickly, wincing at the fact that I had not taken any notes and had scarcely paid attention to the lecture at all.

  * * *

  My third class of the day, Sociology, was canceled, leaving me with a three hour window of leisure before my shift. It was a beautiful day, warm with just a hint of coolness to the breeze. I decided to head to Tabaret Lawn to spread out under a tree and do some psychology reading.

  I pulled my books out, leaning against the trunk of the tree and shifting my weight, attempting to get comfortable. I was reading the first chapter, focusing all my attention on the words so my thoughts wouldn't drift elsewhere.