Sinful

by Joan Johnston

  Eve fought to lift her eyes to meet Connor’s gaze, afraid of the censure she might find there, but needing to know his reaction to what she’d just admitted.

  His blue eyes were narrowed. Not a good sign. “You had a crush on me in high school?”

  Eve couldn’t speak, so she nodded.

  “And you still set me up to go with Molly to that dance?”

  Eve nodded again. She felt sick to her stomach. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea.

  “I liked you, too, Eve. A lot.”

  Eve gaped. “You did?”

  Connor rubbed a hand across his nape and shook his head. “What a clusterfuck.”

  Eve was shocked at the word he’d chosen to describe their crossed wires in high school. “Why didn’t you say something to me?” she asked.

  “It wasn’t possible. Not with the way our families hated each other.”

  “They still hate each other. How is the situation different now?”

  “I was a boy then. I didn’t know any better.”

  And he was a man now, willing to defy his father and his family to marry her, Eve suddenly realized.

  She knew her feelings hadn’t changed, but what about his? She’d admitted to a crush. He’d admitted to liking her. A lot. But liking was a long way from loving. Had his feelings ever run deeper? Perhaps not, Eve realized. After all, he’d been a grown man when he’d married Molly, and he’d chosen her best friend over her.

  “You don’t need to be jealous of Molly,” Connor said. “I loved her. I won’t ever forget her. I won’t ever let the children forget her. But there’s certainly a place in my life for another woman. For you.”

  Eve noticed he’d said “my life” and not “my heart.” Could he fall in love again? Eve took comfort from the fact that he’d married her in defiance of both their families.

  She rubbed the gold ring on her finger with her thumb. She wanted to ask if he still had feelings for her. Wanted to admit that she’d always loved him. But she’d come as far as she dared. It would be awkward to admit to feelings Connor didn’t share. So she remained silent.

  Brooke rubbed her eyes and sat up. “Can we play tag again?”

  “Not today,” Connor said. “We have to get started home.” He looked at Eve as he said, “But we’ll do this again. Soon.” He grinned and added, “There are a few games your mom and I didn’t get a chance to play.”

  Eve blushed. And laughed. And then realized what Connor had said. Your mom. Her heart felt full. This was where she belonged. This was what she wanted to be doing with her life. She didn’t want to leave Connor or the children to go take pictures in another state, not so soon and not for so long. There had to be a way to take pictures for National Geographic and be a wife and mother, too.

  Then, like a flashbulb going off, it dawned on her that she had a herd of mustangs that included two pregnant mares. And a young colt. And five rambunctious yearlings.

  On the other hand, she had no mustang stallion. And technically, her herd was no longer running wild.

  Would National Geographic be willing to compromise? The only way to find out was to ask.

  Chapter 22

  DURING THE RIDE home from the meadow, Eve kept the children engaged in conversation, giving Connor time to think. What he thought about was Eve.

  Until Eve’s confession, Connor hadn’t been willing to admit that what he felt for her, what he’d always felt for her, was more than lust. It was a yearning for what might have been if he’d pursued Eve instead of Molly. If he’d married Eve instead of Molly. When he’d walked away from Eve, who was still holding the strawberry ice cream cone he’d bought for her, he’d known he was leaving something precious behind.

  Those thoughts felt disrespectful to his late wife, and he was having trouble dealing with them. But last night, when he’d made love to Eve, it had felt as though a dark, yawning space inside him was filled with light…and with love.

  He wondered how he’d gotten so lucky. What were the chances that a woman like Eve Grayhawk, with more attributes than he could name in a single breath, would still be single at twenty-six when her best friend had married at eighteen? And not just single, but single without a steady boyfriend. Had she been too committed to her career to marry? Or simply not found a man she loved enough to marry? But if Eve had stayed single for either of those reasons, why had she so readily married him?

  Connor thought of his own teenage feelings, which had continued into adulthood, and wondered if Eve’s “crush” might have survived as well. Had they each been harboring feelings for the other all these years? Was it possible that she hadn’t married another man because she was in love with him?

  If he allowed himself to believe that bit of fantasy, Connor was left with the intriguing possibility that Eve had loved him while he was married to her best friend. He would never ask her for the truth of his supposition, but if he was right, she’d managed to keep her feelings completely hidden, both from him and, as far as he knew, from Molly. He watched her chatter with the children and wondered what it must have been like for her, knowing her feelings would never be returned. No wonder she’d confessed to being jealous when he’d mentioned Molly’s name.

  So where did he go from here?

  The answer was simple. Love Eve and hope she loves me back. He might be asking for heartbreak, but he thought the risk was worth it. He had six weeks before she had to leave for Nevada. Six weeks to make sure that she loved him enough to come back home, no matter how many times she had to leave again to do her amazing work.

  They were unsaddling their horses when Frank came trotting up to the corral. “You’ve got a call at the house, Connor. It’s your dad. I told him you’d call him back, but he said it was important and he’d wait.”

  Connor felt his gut clench. He’d told Eve his father didn’t run his life. But it was still possible for Angus to ruin it. “Thanks, Frank.”

  Connor hadn’t taken two steps toward the house when he realized Eve was beside him. “What do you think you’re doing?”

  “Coming with you.”

  “The kids—”

  “Are helping brush down the horses.”

  “I don’t need your help handling my father.”

  “Too bad. I’m part of this family.”

  “For now, anyway,” he muttered. He was dying for a good, knock-down, drag-out fight. Determined to start one. Pushing as hard as he could to send Eve over the edge. Into his arms? Away from him for good? He just wanted everything settled, once and for all.

  “Six weeks,” she said through gritted teeth. “Then I’m gone, and you can have your life back just the way you want it.”

  “You think this is what I want?” he snarled, turning on her. “My kids lost their mom. I lost my wife. I married a woman who lights my fire like no other woman I’ve ever known—including my late wife—and she has plans of her own that don’t include me or my kids. That is not the life I planned for myself. That is not what I want!”

  He stalked away, leaving her standing with her jaw agape, mad at himself for having revealed so much. He yanked open the back door and stomped his way to the phone in the kitchen. He picked it up and said, “You don’t run my life. Take your money and stuff it where the sun don’t shine.” Then he slammed the phone back in the cradle.

  A moment later Eve reached his side, breathless from running to catch up, her voice strident. “You’re not the only one who had a different life planned. This isn’t what I wanted, either. I miss my best friend. I wish she was here. I wish there was more than just this physical…thing…between us. I wish—”

  That was as far as she got before Connor’s arms locked around her. It took him a moment to realize she was fighting him. He let her go and stared down at her, his body so hard it hurt.

  Her chin was quivering, and her eyes looked wounded. “This isn’t going to make things better.”

  “Can’t make them any worse,” he quipped.

  “Please don’t.”
/>   A painful knot formed in his throat. He met her gaze and nodded his capitulation, because it was impossible to speak.

  “You need to go see your father,” she said. “You can’t blow him off like that.”

  “Too late. Angus Flynn doesn’t forgive or forget.”

  “We’ll go see him together.”

  “Bad idea.”

  “We have to do something. We can’t leave things the way they are.”

  “Why not?”

  “Why not annul the marriage? I have to leave anyway.”

  “I refuse to give him the satisfaction.”

  “Connor, be reasonable. Why don’t we just admit that this isn’t going to work, and go our separate ways?”

  “Because I don’t want to end this marriage.”

  “Why not?”

  Because I have feelings for you. “Because I hate giving up. On anything.”

  “We’re running out of time,” she reminded him.

  “Trust me. I’ll work it out.” He’d plan some kind of fund-raiser, or get a loan and use the ranch as security, or borrow money until he could make the ranch self-sufficient.

  “If you don’t go talk to him, I will,” Eve threatened.

  “If you care at all for me, you won’t do that.”

  She looked chastened. “All right. But I think you’re making a mistake.”

  “It’s my mistake. I’ll deal with it.” And he would. He just had to figure out how.

  Chapter 23

  FOR THE NEXT two weeks, Eve deferred to Connor’s wish to deal with his father on his own. The problem was, as far as she could tell, he’d dealt with the issue by ignoring it.

  She’d kept her fingers crossed that National Geographic would go for her idea of photographing the mustangs at Safe Haven, but it hadn’t worked out. The editor had been apologetic, but she’d pointed out to Eve that they needed photographs of an actual band of wild mustangs. Otherwise, what was the point? If Eve wanted the job it was hers, but she would have to take her photographs in Nevada. And the deadline for her answer was looming.

  Eve had another day or so to make her decision, but she didn’t see how she could turn down the job. Especially in light of Connor’s situation. The only thing she could think to do was force a confrontation with Angus Flynn and get him to back down.

  When Sunday morning came around again, Eve got up early and dressed the children and herself for church. She announced to Connor, who sat in front of the fire with a cup of coffee and Fortune magazine, “The kids and I are going to church this morning. Care to join us?”

  He didn’t even look up when he answered. “God and I aren’t on speaking terms at the moment.”

  That was a complication Eve hadn’t foreseen. “Because of Molly?”

  “That’s one reason.”

  He glanced at her, a line etched between his brows, and Eve realized he hadn’t made peace with God over Paddy’s death, either.

  He pursed his lips. “Which church are you planning to attend?”

  “The one your children have always attended.”

  “You’re taking them to St. Michael’s?”

  “Your children are Catholic, Connor. Of course I’m taking them to St. Michael’s.”

  “My family will be there.”

  “Most likely, yes, they will.”

  “Where are you planning to sit?”

  “With them, of course.”

  Connor scowled. “Angus won’t like it.”

  “It won’t be easy for him to throw us out,” Eve said. “I’m his daughter-in-law and Brooke and Sawyer are his grandchildren.”

  “In other words, you’d be perfectly happy to make a scene.”

  “What I’m telling you is that he won’t make a scene. Not with the children there and all his friends watching.”

  “You don’t know my father,” Connor muttered.

  “Are you going to let some old bully get away with keeping your wife and children from sitting with your family?” Eve challenged.

  Connor sat up abruptly, spewing a mouthful of coffee. “Did you just call my father an old bully?”

  “If the shoe fits—”

  “Hell and damnation! You’re liable to start World War Three if I let you go there by yourself.”

  She saw the moment Connor realized that he’d just been manipulated into going to church.

  He shot her a rueful look as he stood and swiped at the coffee on his T-shirt. “I need a shower and a shave.”

  She smiled sweetly. “We’ll wait. We have plenty of time.”

  He glanced at the antique clock on the mantel and made a disgusted sound. “We need to leave in the next fifteen minutes if we’re not going to be late.”

  “You were a Delta sergeant. It takes you five minutes to shower and shave.”

  Connor scowled, crossed the room to set his coffee cup on the breakfast bar, and headed for the bathroom. “All right. You win.”

  “I’m not playing games,” Eve shouted after him.

  “Tell that to my dad,” he called back to her.

  Eve was more anxious about the upcoming meeting with Angus than she’d let on. She was counting on Connor’s father wanting to keep up appearances, which meant there would be a window where he would be forced to speak with civility to his son and his son’s wife.

  Since the day was warm, she’d sent the kids out onto the porch to play and joined them there to wait for Connor. He showed up eight minutes later wearing a pale blue oxford-cloth shirt with a striped tie, a navy sport coat, khaki trousers, and brown loafers.

  “Wow.” Eve felt her insides flutter at the sight of him, his face freshly shaven, his blue eyes bright, his hair still damp, with that dashing hank of hair falling on his brow.

  Connor smirked in response to her awestruck expression. “I figured it you were going to dress up and look good enough to eat, I should, too.” He gestured toward the pickup. “Shall we?”

  Eve took Sawyer’s hand in one of hers, but when she reached for Brooke’s hand the little girl said, “I always hold Daddy’s hand when we go to church.”

  Eve saw the shocked look on Connor’s face before he reached out to take his daughter’s small hand in his large one. Brooke had played tag with Connor during their picnic, but for weeks she’d avoided addressing him directly. Eve had seen his frustration grow as time passed, and nothing he’d done had melted his daughter’s reserve.

  All it had taken was a willingness to do something he and Brooke and Sawyer and Molly must have done every Sunday morning he was at home during Brooke’s entire short life to remind his daughter that he was indeed her father.

  Connor looked at Eve with dawning understanding. He obviously hadn’t been to church since he’d returned from Afghanistan or Brooke would have insisted he take her hand long before now. He reached down and picked up his daughter and held her close. The little girl threw her arms around Connor’s neck and held tight, her nose pressed against his throat.

  Eve felt her throat swell with emotion as tears suddenly appeared in Connor’s eyes.

  He croaked, “I guess we…” He cleared his throat and finished, “better go.”

  Chapter 24

  CONNOR DIDN’T WANT to let go of his daughter to put her in her car seat. If only he’d known that something as simple as attending church with Brooke would be the key to melting her heart or winning her trust or whatever it was that had made her finally reach out to him. Did this mean she would allow him to hug her from now on? That she would be giving him butterfly kisses at bedtime?

  A painful knot was still caught in his throat as he finished attaching the belts on Brooke’s car seat. He exchanged a grateful look with Eve over the children’s heads. She was the reason he’d broken his vow not to return to church until he could forgive God for taking Paddy, for taking Molly, and for all the death and destruction he’d witnessed during three tours in Afghanistan. If not for Eve, he might still be estranged from his daughter.

  He spent the entire hour drive
to town listening as Eve sang children’s songs with the kids. He glanced at her often, amazed at the smile that remained on her face as they sang song after song, none of which he knew.

  His mind was focused on figuring out what to say to Angus.

  Keeping the sanctuary up and running was important not just for the sake of the vets, but so that Eve didn’t need to take that assignment in Nevada in order to support her mustangs. Not that she might not decide to go anyway, but they would both have more choices if the trip weren’t financially necessary.

  Brooke interrupted his contemplation with the command, “Sing, Daddy!”

  He realized the other three were belting out “Let It Go.” He would have done anything his daughter asked to reinforce the new accord between them. He grinned at Eve and began to sing.

  They had just finished, laughing and off-key, when they pulled up in front of St. Michael’s. The old stone church sat in the shadow of the Grand Tetons surrounded by a windbreak of spruces and pines. As he turned off the engine, Connor asked Eve, “Do we take the kids with us to church? Or leave them in child care?”

  “Let’s take Brooke with us. She’s old enough to sit through the service.”

  And affectionate enough to melt his father’s cold, cold heart, Connor thought. “And Sawyer?” he asked.

  “He’ll do better in child care.”

  Connor held his breath as he released the belts on Brooke’s car seat. Would she come into his arms again? Or would she reach for Eve?

  When his daughter held out her arms to him, Connor lifted her into his embrace and felt his heart swell with love for his child. He dared so far as to kiss Brooke’s cheek and saw her sudden glance sideways at him. He waited for some protest, but she merely slid her arms around him and snuggled close.

  He set her down, and the four of them walked hand in hand toward the church.