If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1)

by Johnson, C. A.

  Refusing to break eye contact with his wife, Barrington stated, “Hard to get past this, Perri, if you’re gonna get defensive whenever the subject comes up.”

  Was he shifting his share of the blame to her?

  Perri sat there a bit irritated at his self-indulgent view. She blinked rapidly willing herself to calm down. “Oh, please. The subject didn’t just come up because the conversation wasn’t even in that direction. That is until you just up and steered it there. And maybe, Barrington, that’s the problem. So instead of trying to come at me like the innocent victim, you might wanna take a little responsibility yourself. For everything that’s wrong between us on both counts! Far as I'm concerned, I've been taking all the heat, and I accept my part in this mess. Why won't you?”

  I don’t believe this girl. After all this time she’s still trying to shift blame on me when she left me and never bothered to contact me or return my calls. What the hell was really her problem? He’d think she’d be grateful that he was not mad at her . . . anymore. But no, she got to take everything he says as a personal affront and go making a federal case out of it. Is this really worth it? Is she? Because he was getting really tired of this one-way mirror that she’s bound and determined to hold in front of his face. However, he refused to air their heated fellowship in public, choosing to shelve it for the time being. Barrington strongly suggested, “Look, maybe we’d better just go home, I’m sure the sitter won’t mind us returning a few hours earlier.”

  “I couldn’t agree more.” Without waiting on him to pay the check, Perri snatched up her handbag and stalked out ahead of him almost knocking over a poor waiter in the process. After making apologies to the waiter, she speed walked all the way to the car instead of waiting on the valet attendant to bring it around for them. It took a good seven minutes or so to locate the car, but by now she was just that mad that she didn’t care one way or the other.

  When Barrington finally caught up to his wife at the car and he was fit to be tied. Going directly to the passenger side, he grabbed her wrist whirling her around, bringing his head down only mere inches from hers. Through clenched teeth he declared, “Let me explain something to you, dear wife. I don't care how mad at me you get you don't go storming out into the pitch, black night by yourself. Not only is it stupid, Perri, it's dangerous.” Without so much as a blink, he said, “Don’t you ever and, I do mean never do some crazy shit like that again.” The intense look in his eyes dared her to challenge him. “Understood?” And her staring at him like he was a moron only pissed him off more.

  “Just open the door, Barrington, so I can get in.” Cutting her eyes at him she hissed, “You disgust me.”

  Barrington stared at her for several seconds, battling his raw emotions as her body language offered him nothing but open hostility. “Right now, girl, you’re not looking too appealing to me either. Open it your damn self.” He stormed around to the driver’s side unlocking the doors as he did. Once inside, he slammed the door, started the engine, put the car in reverse, and barely waited for Perri to get inside good before he backed out of the parking space and sped off with his tires screeching in the process.

  The ride home was more than bumpy although the road outside was smooth sailing all the way. The air between them was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. Barrington knew he shouldn’t have gotten so upset, no, mad at her. But damn it, Perri was taxing his last nerve with her self-righteous attitude, and he’d had just about all he could stomach for one day. And her waltzing out of the restaurant and wandering around in the dark was the last straw as far as Barrington was concerned.

  Now, it was one thing for her to act crazy with him, but at least he could keep his eye on her, know she was safe even if she was mad and couldn’t wait to get away from him. However, her pulling that Houdini disappearing shit in public was a different matter altogether, and when he came out of the restaurant and didn’t see her, it didn’t help when the valet informed him that she’d taken off in the direction of the parking lot; the parking lot where no other person was insight except for the occasional valet attendant retrieving someone’s vehicle. He felt the buttons controlling his barely concealed anger snap, and in turn, he actually thought he could have snapped Perri’s neck off right along with it.

  Barrington knew his wife was a smart woman with a brilliant mind. So the fact that she didn’t use common sense tonight had him rethinking her grip on reality because, in his mind, any female with the good sense God gave a goose would have known not to go storming off half-cocked in the pitch black of the night alone. Didn’t she know it was dangerous for a woman to be out in the dark completely alone, searching for a car she obviously had no idea where it was parked at in the first place? Didn’t she know if something had happened to her, removing her from his life again, he wouldn’t be able to handle that shit? It was bad enough the first time and he still didn’t have any closure in that chapter of his life. However, to put him through that shit a second time—again—on purpose?

  Barrington shook that painful thought off. Yes, Perri made him crazy. Yes, she totally ticked him off. Yes, she’d definitely gotten under his skin tonight. Yes, at the moment he couldn’t wait to get away from her. And, yes, yes, a million times yes, he absolutely could almost strangle her with his bare hands. But even with all that pent up aggression staring him in the face, Barrington knew he would never want to return to the empty life he had without Perri in it. Yes, they had issues; major ones, but given time, they could work their way through them together. Barrington was sure of that much. At least he hoped for that much considering half of the healing process was up to Perri. Right now, he knew she wasn’t ready to begin, especially when she flat out refused to own up to the fact that they were not together when she was pregnant with Imani because of her. And he wasn’t in on anything that had to do with her pregnancy because of her selfishness. For the life of Barrington, he thought he’d forgiven her the transgression that had robbed him of precious moments with his daughter, and at the very least, he’d thought he would be okay with it. But the more he considered her wages of sin against him he couldn’t in all honesty say he’d forgotten the hurt and pain her actions caused him. So then, why had he told Perri it didn’t matter to him?

  Barrington was still a massive ball of confused nerves about what happened back at the restaurant. He honestly wasn’t trying to pick on Perri. All he was trying to do was express his feelings for her and the truth that he wanted them to have another baby. He stole a peek at her out of the corner of his eye. He wanted to stop the car in the middle of the freeway and hold her in his arms when he saw how her body was twisted so that she totally faced the side window, noting that, if she were any closer to it, she’d fall out of the car if the door were to suddenly be opened. He knew Perri was purposely trying to detach herself from the situation with him and that knowledge ripped at his heart. All he wanted to do was make things easier for her, yet all he seemed to do was cause her more misery. He didn’t want Perri to be scared of him and he didn’t want her to dread being with him, which is exactly what her body language was telling him.

  Just like in the past Perri would only let Barrington get so close before she’d free herself and stowaway to her own safety zone that definitely did not include him. He didn’t mind giving her some cooling down time. Hell, they both needed it right now. It was her deliberate exclusion of him that scared him the most about Perri shutting herself down, and him out of her life.

  Sweet Perri, how do I make you understand how much I care about you, how much I love you and wanna be the one to make you laugh, not cause you needless pain, he asked in silence. Barrington wanted so badly to make her understand he had feelings too, and just like hers, his could be bruised. Perri wasn’t ready to acknowledge his rights, let alone his feelings; he wasn’t ready to risk pushing his wife over the edge. For now he had to play by Perri’s rules.

  ***

  “Hey, Sherrington,” Perri greeted the sitter upon entering the house.
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  “Hey, Mrs. Knight,” said Sherrington with a knowing smile, “early night?”

  Perri thought Sherrington’s conclusion couldn’t be more wrong because there would be no hanky and no panky, either between her and Barrington on this here night, “Something like that, Sherrington.” Perri smiled at the silent observation though she wanted to cry.

  Barrington who’d been watching the exchange between the two women from the foyer knew Perri was fighting back tears, and feeling the need to come to her aid he said, “Thanks for watching Imani for us, Sherrington.” He handed her some bills. “We really do appreciate it.”

  Accepting the money with a genuine smile, Sherrington said, “No problem, boss, that’s what you pay me for. Besides, Imani is an angel, so that makes it all the more worthwhile.”

  Grinning, Barrington agreed, “That she is.”

  Imani started to cry.

  “There’s still another bottle of breast milk in the fridge,” Sherrington volunteered as she walked out the door.

  “I’ll go to her,” Perri said, grateful for the escape.

  “Are you sure, Perri? I can get her if you wanna take a shower or something”

  I know this man don’t actually think he’s getting some tonight. Perri swallowed back a curse. “I got her, Barrington, so you can go grab a shower.” A cold one. “Besides, I need to let down, my breast are full tonight.” It was true, though she would have said anything to buy some time from dealing with him any more on this here particular night. She quickly left the room before he could say another word.

  I guess making love is out of the question, Barrington thought watching her flee the living room like a scared straight student eager to escape the principal’s watchful eyes. He decided it was just as well, knowing he wouldn’t feel the love on Perri’s part considering the disastrous evening they just had together. In spite of being upset with Perri, Barrington loved her like no other and wanted badly to make love to his wife tonight. Sighing, he marveled at the differences God made between the two sexes that ruled the world. Considering his own ordeal, he realized a man was always ready for sex, no matter what other issues he and his woman might have withstanding between them. A woman, however, had to 'feel up to it' before she would do it. He chuckled in spite of himself. Loosening his tie, Barrington headed for their bedroom with every intention of taking a shower. An extremely cold one.

  ***

  Barrington shifted positions causing him to rouse from sleep. Glancing at the clock radio, he realized he must have dozed off within the two hours he’d been waiting up for Perri to come to bed. He was going to apologize to her but reconsidered when he started thinking she purposely didn’t join him in their bedroom . . . probably thinking he was going to try and jump her bones. “You wish,” he muttered to her empty spot, rising to his feet.

  He thought he’d find her holed up in Imani’s room and he was right. She’d pulled out the daybed and was sound asleep when he pushed the door to Imani’s room open. “Figures,” he said a tad irritated Perri didn’t bother to let him know she wouldn’t be sleeping in their bed tonight. Barrington sighed heavily and turned to leave, then stopped himself. “I’m not gonna let you off the hook that easy. Not this time, Perri,” he vowed walking into the room.

  ***

  Perri stirred in her sleep causing her to fully awake. “Imani, I can’t believe you slept through the entire night without waking up,” she whispered with a smile before opening her eyes.

  “What the heck!” Perri jumped up, looking around her surroundings, realizing she was in her bedroom. No he did not! She couldn’t believe him. Then again, it was Barrington. “Well, we’ll just see about this bull crap,” she fussed to the room, swinging her legs over the bed onto the floor, pushing herself up.

  “Barrington Rashaad Knight, you . . .

  The words died in her throat. Perri smiled in spite of her anger. Barrington was asleep on the daybed with Imani sleeping on top of his chest; it was the perfect picture to jumpstart her morning and her heart, which was now swollen full of unconditional love for her man. “Look at my two babies,” she cooed. “Did I just say that?”

  “Yes, you did, I heard you,” came Barrington’s easy reply.

  Forgetting the fact that she was outdone with him, she said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Walking in the room, Perri took a seat at the foot of the daybed. Smiling, she patted Imani’s bottom which was tooted up in the air. She was so cute.

  “Oh yeah you did, don’t lie now. You yelled my entire name loud enough to wake the drowsy graveyard shift.”

  They shared a laugh.

  “Sorry.”

  “No you’re not. You came in here fully prepared to chew me out a new one, ripping me a new butt hole in the process. Didn’t you, baby?” Barrington winked.

  Perri lowered her gaze feeling exposed and chastised.

  “Don’t sweat it, Perri; I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. I just wanted to show you how it feels to be excluded from the lives of both your spouse and your child.”

  Feeling the heat rise to her cheeks she could only shrug.

  “So what time is it anyway?” Barrington asked.

  “About 9:40.”

  Barrington grinned. “You know what this means, right?”

  She shook her head. “What?”

  “Our girl didn't wake up once all night.” He laughed amused. “I got to be the first to experience this milestone with her,” he bragged.

  Perri smiled affectionately at him. “Yeah . . . you were, pop.”

  Barrington kissed Imani’s forehead, she stirred but didn’t wake up. “Daddy’s little girl. My sweet Cupcake,” he announced to no one in particular.

  Even without him saying it, Perri could tell it really meant a lot to Barrington being the first to share something huge in Imani's life. She wouldn’t begrudge him his moment as the leading role in their daughter’s life. She had to admit he’d definitely earned it and deserved it more than her. Not that it was a contest, mind you.

  Standing, she announced, “I’ll start breakfast. Meet you downstairs,” and pecked the back of Imani's head and her husband's forehead before leaving father and daughter—soul playmates, alone. Her heart was full.

  “My cup runneth over,” Perri whispered brushing happy tears from her eyes the moment she stepped foot in the kitchen. Moments later, she felt familiar arms encircle her waist.

  Hugging her tightly to his chest, Barrington said, “Don’t cry, sweet Perri. I wasn’t trying to take anything from you. I swear.”

  Turning in the circle of his arms, she snuggled against his bare chest. “It’s not that.” Perri looked up into his eyes. “I’m truly happy for you, Barrington.” Rising on tiptoe, she kissed his lips softly at first, once, twice. Then feeling a wave of desire sweep through her body, she boldly deepened the kiss, surprising them both; however, she didn’t have to demand too hard because Barrington fully gave himself to her just like always. In that instant, she couldn’t have loved him more, but somehow, she did, the advantage and pleasure, all hers.

  “I love you, Barrington Rashaad Knight.”

  Grinning, he lovingly framed her face. “Sweet Perri, I love you.”

  Barrington took possession of Perri's mouth and this time, as his tongue led the way, her tongue followed, creating a soul-stirring, passionate kiss filled to the brim and running over with pure love. Before she knew what was happening, Barrington had carried her over to the table, took a seat in the chair positioning her on his lap so that she was straddling him.

  He broke their kiss long enough to declare, “Perri Tania Milan Knight, my wife, I love you for life. I need you, baby, and I want to look at you as I make love with you and to you.” Before she could speak, he captured her lips again. Again, her tongue followed his tongue wherever it led, initiating a wonderful challenge of tongue-of-war, the advantage belonging to them both. Together, Barrington and Perri made sweet love and this time was more beautiful than any other, as his seed ent
ered her garden, firmly rooting, grounding, and settling itself in her womb.

  “Barrington,” Perri whispered, spent after giving herself fully to him, “my heart is so full of love for you, my cup runneth over, darling. My cup runneth over.”

  Tightly wrapped up in a sweet embrace, they cuddled until their daughter woke up crying, which was exactly an hour later.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “What's up with the Milan women, Usher?” Barrington asked his brother-in-law.

  Laughing, Usher stated, “That's a loaded question, man.” He pointedly glanced at his watch. “How much time you got to spare because the answers could take half the night?”

  Barrington grinned, asking, “That bad, huh?”

  Usher shrugged. “Umm, depends on whose eyes you’re looking through.”

  “Tell me about them through your eyes then.”

  “Well, let's see.” Usher thought a moment then continued. “Perri's the tough one; but she's all heart, honestly.” He cocked his head. “But hey, I don't have to tell you that.”

  “Barrington grinned. “No, you don't. But I am puzzled,” he admitted. “Those three sisters, they're close but they're so completely different.”

  “Of course they are. You just have to get used to them, once you know them, that is.” Usher beamed before commenting, “Hunter, while she's the first to open her heart up to you, Tyler, she’s the first to give you the benefit of the doubt, and Perri, well, she's the first to give you the shirt off her back if she thinks it'll ease your pain.”

  “Yeah,” Barrington agreed, “Perri's special like that.” He smiled proudly.

  ***

  Barrington watched the Milan women interact with one another. They’d been poking fun at each other all day long. “You people are not well.” Barrington laughed.