The excavation inside her and the desire to redefine her personality baffled her. Oftentimes, she woke up in the morning and asked herself how she could continue to live without her ambition. She felt extreme instability. Her mornings were always opened with the same depressing thought: ‘what’s next?’ and continued into a black bile. Sometimes she would walk towards the easel, forcing herself to pull something new and surprising under her hand. But, the results were disappointing until she came to the conclusion that it was better to surrender to the dryness that would affect her artistic world than to try and extract a disappointing and unworthy creation.
Actually, Shahar, her baby, comforted her. She gave her little time to invest in painting and provided her a good excuse for capitulation and fatigue. Sherry watched her, looking for features similar to Eyal—just as she did to Ofek when he was small. Except for the blue eyes, she was not able to identify any similarity, perhaps because of her early age. However, Shahar looks like Ofek when he was a newborn, except for her eyes.
Eyal, who was at home for his graduate studies, was pleased with the love that Sherry was giving to Shahar. During the period of pregnancy, he feared that her relationship to her daughter would be the same as what she showed to Ofek. He was happy to find out that he was wrong. The baby was most precious to Sherry. She never left her for a moment. She took her everywhere and refused to go to events, unless she could take the baby with her. She stated many times, even in the presence of Ofek, that her love to the baby was the greatest, causing Eyal to shake his head in frustration. But, he didn’t try to persuade her to relate with Ofek anymore, but took advantage of his stay at home to give his son everything he could. Ofek was, for him, the embodiment of an aspiration of every parent: a brilliant student and an outstanding basketball player. Eyal took all by himself every concern that had something to do with Ofek as a sense of pride and not just responsibility. Once a month, he made a point to spend a weekend with Ofek in the reserved nature. He decided to adjust his schedule based on the days that Ofek had basketball games, after which they would come into the kitchen like two small and enthusiastic children and prepare themselves sandwiches while laughing and analyzing the scheme of the game.
Sherry was looking at Shahar, the baby she thought who could resolve her problem of guilt, and the intensive fear of spending most of her time with her that caused Eyal and Ofek to be distant from her together. She returned to feeling depressed. As long as Eyal was away from home for days, she could carry the love that Eyal showered on Ofek during his vacation. But, to take part in their love everyday? There were times that she even tried to push Shahar into Eyal’s arms, but he just held her while all his attention was focused on Ofek.
The presence of Eyal around Ofek and the preferential treatment that he gave to him in order to compensate him for Sherry’s behavior, brought Eyal and Ofek close together, but it acted in the opposite direction to anything that had to do with the relationship of Sherry to Ofek. He didn’t leave roles or obligations for Ofek to Sherry, and it tore up the loose connection that was left between them. Ofek would come from school, and if Sherry was not able to cook, he would prepare something for himself and go to his room with the meal. They were like two strangers living under one roof. This didn’t remain hidden from Eyal’s attention, and when he finished his studies, he asked for a military role that allowed him to go home every day and be available to Ofek.
In a way, cutting off contact with Ofek served Sherry. She didn’t have to pretend anymore, but when Ofek reached the age of sixteen, this reality became difficult and abusive to her. Ofek grew up to one hundred and eighty centimeters and bristles started to appear on his cheeks. He didn’t look like a weak child anymore, but he became a tall, strong man who despised her. He showed her indifference, the same indifference that she showed him over the years.
Many times she would see him arrive with shopping bags of shoes or clothing. He never asked her for money to buy all these. He received whatever he wanted from Eyal, and Sherry considered it as proof that Eyal was truly and sincerely giving up on her and had made no attempt to connect her and her son.
One rainy day, she looked out the kitchen window and felt the urge to go out and pick up Ofek from school, something she never did before. She was waiting at the gate. After ten minutes, she saw him coming out from school. He passed by her car while glancing at her without saying anything and went with his friend towards the car of another woman parked in front of her. There was no annoyance or anger in the act, only alienation. She continued to sit in the car for a long time, then went to the nursery of Shahar and went back home. Ofek was already sitting in the living room, eating sandwiches and watching a basketball game. When he saw her, he got up and went into his room.
She followed him to his room while Shahar was behind her and sat next to him. But, he was still watching the same basketball game and ignored her. Shahar fiddled with Ofek’s things on his desk and he got out of bed to keep her away.
“She’s waiting for a little attention from you.” She tried to harness Shahar for her help.
“Later, I’m watching the game,” he said politely.
“Your sister is more important than the basketball game.”
He did not answer. A car horn was heard outside. Ofek put on his coat and walked out without saying goodbye. Sherry picked up the remote control to turn off the TV and heard the announcer praise Ofek’s performance in the game. She looked up and saw Ofek dribbling the ball. Sherry looked at the results at the bottom of the screen. It was not only that she did not know that Ofek’s game was broadcasted on TV, but she found out that she didn’t even know to which team he belonged.
Sherry sat in the living room. Her son’s attitude caused her distress. His ability to counteract all the years of her alienation from him changed the status quo that ruled at home a long time ago. But most of all, his frequent absences bothered her. Did she, despite the rejection she felt for him, love his presence? She had to admit that she did. He was the one who prevented her from the isolation that was always imposed on her since she reached the age of sixteen. Even now, the two people whom she was closest to were far away from her. Her husband spent most of his time away from her, and her sister was forced to settle for phone calls. Now, Ofek was big enough to go whenever he wanted. She felt very lonely.
28
Sherry waited until Eyal brought Ofek from the train station. It was his first vacation since he joined the army, and she hadn’t seen him for two weeks. She went to her working room and tried to paint again, but nothing meaningful came out from her hands; exactly what happened every day for the last five years since Shahar was born. Even the gallery owner whom she worked with, abandoned her and stopped calling her to check if she had a new painting for them. She felt that it was not only that she was not progressing, but that she was already forgotten. All of her past investment in her career seemed to be down the drain.
Eyal, on the other hand, was very successful. He achieved the rank of Brigadier General and filled roles that dragged him onto a secure runway to the military top. She was ashamed of herself when she felt a spark of jealousy from Eyal. She was jealous that he had chosen a permanent runway. Obviously, there was a destination point in it, while she was still moving towards a blurry and convoluted runway. Eyal was proof that everything was moving around her. She felt like she was standing still while the earth beneath her insisted on running at a top speed. Ofek turned into a teenager; Shahar had grown up; Eyal was forwarding his career; and she was left stagnant.
Sherry heard the engine of Eyal’s car. She looked towards the kitchen window and saw her husband and her son coming out of the vehicle. Ofek was wearing an olive uniform and was carrying a large bag. The long rifle slipped down his shoulder, and he screwed up in his efforts to put it back. This caused Eyal to say something funny to Ofek. They looked so good together, like father and son. If only Ofek got the blue eyes of Eyal, she could be sure at this moment that he was his son.
She felt a strong urge to approach Ofek and embrace him, but now it was not just up to her. It had already been two years that Ofek had been acting indifferent to her, and she feared that he would reject her. On the other hand, she was afraid that her embrace would look artificial and insincere, especially under the watchful eyes of Eyal, who almost certainly, would be watching and analyzing her movements in detail.
She decided to go up to her room. She hoped that they wouldn’t see her presence as something necessary.
The door opened when she was still going upstairs.
“Look who’s here?” Eyal called her.
“I’ll be right down,” she said as she continued to go upstairs slowly without looking at them.
“You’re coming down now!” Eyal said in a firm voice.
“It’s okay, I’m going to my room,” Ofek said, but Eyal stopped him, holding his arm.
Sherry took a deep breath, trying to gather strength, then turned around and went down slowly. She stopped near Ofek with a slight smile, trying to find words that wouldn’t sound screeching to the ears of the people around, and especially to her.
“You look so handsome, but all my life I see uniforms: your father, his friends, ceremonies, the holidays that I do with him in the army... that’s why it became a part of my life’s routine, so to speak. Maybe that’s why I’m less excited at the sight of the uniforms.”
Eyal looked at her, shaking his head. “You know, every time I think that you can’t surprise me anymore, you set new records.”
She looked at Eyal with an expression of apathy, but his eyes were focused on Ofek, whose helplessness raised the level of his anger. “Come here, I need to talk to you.” He pulled her in the arm towards the bedroom. His grip was so strong, almost unbearable. “You’re hurting me.”
“I wish I could hurt you a tenth of how you’ve hurt Ofek.”
He tossed her to bed. “I’m sick of your behavior. I can’t cope up anymore.”
She rubbed her arm, staring at him with an expression of pain.
“I can’t believe this, you are still sitting there, hurting. You just don’t get it, I don’t even want to try to explain.” Eyal left the room, slamming the door.
In the evening, when they were eating their Friday meal, Sherry was quieter than ever. Eyal tried to talk with Ofek about military matters, but Ofek replied briefly and mostly silently. From time to time, he looked at his mother, but he encountered a down face. He felt guilty about the tension around the table. His father and his mother were a loving couple, and the fights between them always revolved around him.
After the meal, Sherry puts Shahar to bed and went to watch TV in the bedroom. She heard Eyal’s footsteps coming close to the room. She turned off the TV and pretended to be asleep. He got into bed and lay beside her. He did not touch her like he used to all these years. She tried to bring her feet close to him as if she was asleep and not aware of it, but he remained indifferent until the morning.
When he heard the running water in the shower, he felt the need to join her, touch her body and kiss the lips that were always pink, but he conquered his passions, determined not to surrender.
The running water stopped, and he saw her standing naked in front of the closet, her back against him. She wore thongs, put on a dress without a bra and walked in the room gracefully, the same gracefulness that conquered him twenty years ago. How he wanted so much to pull her right now into the bed. He rolled to the other side so that his mind would not be distracted from the target.
Sherry sat in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. She was angry with Eyal for pulling her arm and hurting her, but it was nothing compared to the pain she felt when he lay in bed without allowing her to feel his body close to her. She longed to feel his hand moving all over her body, looking for the notch that would give her intense excitement and devotion to his sexual passion.
She entered Ofek’s room, but she didn’t find him there. She looked at the backyard. Her car, almost the only thing she shared with Ofek, was parked there. Sherry concluded that Ofek had not yet gone to play basketball. She found him in the pergola tying his sneakers. “Do you want to have breakfast with us?”
“No. I’m going to the game,” he replied, without taking his eyes off his shoes.
“When will you be back?”
“I don’t know,” he answered vaguely, while his head was still bent towards his shoes.
“Would you like us to wait for you?”
“No.” He picked up the ball and was ready to go.
Sherry heard Eyal’s voice over her shoulder, breathing closely the smell of his body scented with aftershave. “I think you can be back in two hours, right?” he asked Ofek in a voice full of love and tenderness.
“Don’t hold up for me.”
“We’ll wait for you.” Eyal said.
Ofek walked away without saying anything.
Eyal sat down at the kitchen table, while Sherry served two cups of coffee, one on his side and one on her side. She applied nail polish on her nails, allowing Eyal’s eyes to linger in between her breasts in the neckline of her dress. Shahar came, half asleep, and sat down on Sherry’s lap, causing her dress to be lifted up, revealing her legs. Eyal felt an animal attraction for her. Brigadier General in the army, a war veteran, was losing against a woman whose only weapon was nail polish on her nails. He definitely was a shame. He was looking for a dignified way to be out of the mess that he had gotten himself into. The phone call made him go into the room and talk there. Oftentimes, he received phone calls where he didn’t want Sherry to hear the contents. Now, he welcomed the getaway path, a way to cool himself.
He stayed upstairs for a long time and when he went down, everyone was seated around the neatly arranged table, just like Sherry always did. He heard the silence around the table.
“I made you a Tuscan salad. I know that you love sun-dried tomatoes and pesto.” Sherry surprised them when she turned to Ofek.
Ofek looked at her, making sure that her words were really meant for him.
Eyal prayed that she was going to change her attitude towards Ofek, because his reserve toughness began to run out. He mounted the fork in Ofek’s salad. “Not bad at all.”
“Did you see that I bought you brass T-shirts?” Sherry continued to talk to Ofek.
Ofek looked at Sherry again, wondering what was more embarrassing, the deafening silence, or the conversation she was trying to engage with him. Eyal also noticed the stilted conversation, and for him, this was proof that Sherry was trying to please him. Maybe after all, he was not defeated. He reached for her legs under the table, accompanying the movement with a sweet smile.
“Why are you not eating?” Shahar asked.
Eyal’s eyes remained stuck in Sherry’s face. He couldn’t take his eyes off her as he moved his hand gently through her legs.
The following Saturdays, when Ofek arrived for a vacation, Sherry continued to treat him well. After so much effort, things became more easy and natural. She did not comment when Eyal went to visit Ofek every weekend that he stayed at the base, though she was left alone all Saturday. Oftentimes, Eyal offered her to join him, but she preferred to leave them alone, aware that she might spoil their time.
29
Sherry set the table for Friday night dinner. She put out three plates for her, for Shahar and for Eyal. As she sat around the table, a strange feeling passed through her for the first time since Ofek joined the army. She missed Ofek. All through the years, Sherry fixed Friday night dinners where Ofek was always present. She felt like she lost another family member. The feeling was familiar enough to be scared of.
After dinner, she cleaned the kitchen alone while her longings for Ofek penetrated deep into her heart with unfamiliar pain. She looked at Eyal lying on the sofa and felt that she needed his comforting touch. She went there, lay down beside him and buried her head under his arm. He wrapped his arm around her body.
“I think it’s time for you to come with me to visit Ofek,” he told
her. “It’s been a year since he joined the army and except for some ceremonies, you never visited him.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
He took his eyes away from the TV, trying to examine her face. Did she say ‘Okay’ or ‘I can’t?’ Early in the morning when he woke up, he found two coolers full of food and many bags of snacks. Eyal raised his eyebrows secretly, fearing that much attention to her behavior would impair the process rather than to encourage him. He was glad that patience paid off.
“Can’t we go later?” Shahar asked, while Sherry was dressing her.
“Don’t you miss your brother?”
“I do,” Shahar said, rubbing her eyes. “But, I want to sleep.”
“You can sleep in the car.”
When they were on their way to the north, Shahar was not able to sleep and during the first half an hour, she asked a dozen times to when they would arrive, while Eyal tried to explain the significance of two-and-a-half hours. At the end, he took off his watch, showing her where the hour and minute hand were supposed to be after two-and-a-half hours. This indeed made Shahar keep quiet while she was busy looking at the clock. After that, she asked for her mother to sit next to her and read her a story. A moment later, she fell asleep until they reached the base.
Ofek went out and approached to hug his father first before picking up Shahar. “How are you, my little sister?”
Ofek did not embrace Sherry, and it was the first time that Sherry prayed that Ofek would help her to break down the walls, to approach her. She wanted to hug him, but there was a barrier between them, and it was hard for her to break it without his help.
“We’ll go look for a place to eat, I’m starving,” Eyal said, while they all went to the car. Eyal drove twice on the old north highway and didn’t find an exquisite place.
Colors of the Shadow Page 22
