Conflicted (The Deliverance Series Book 2)

by Maria Macdonald

  I was lucky that night, I got away when someone happened to walk by. The guy started shouting when he saw what was going on. I rushed away, and never even thanked the stranger. I suffered a few bruises on my abdomen and a cut lip, but it could have been so much worse. I never told anyone what happened to me, blaming my injuries on football.

  That day the ugly side of the truth found me. Since then, I’ve never forgotten what I was forced to learn that night. I shouldn’t have to worry about being treated badly because of my sexuality, but sadly that’s the ugliness of this world.

  I need to always remember that.

  I realized something in the days following my attack. A time when I was so low, so down, so alone, that a million thoughts I never want to relive flooded my mind and are now seared onto my heart. Be true to yourself, not everyone will support you, accept it, move on, live life. But always… always, remember the ugly. Because recognizing the ugly gives me my power back. It reminds me that I want better. I’ll always strive to turn my ordinary, into something truly exceptional.

  The locker room is still empty as I scan it, and I’m starting to feel a little on edge. Pulling out my cell I tap the screen, bringing it to my ear and listening as I walk outside. It only rings twice before it’s answered.

  “Caden?” Tarrant asks obviously surprised.

  “You still around? I walked to the stadium tonight, felt like some air.” I tell him my dilemma without asking the specific question.

  “Yeah, I just dropped Laura off. I’ll be back in ten, okay?”

  “Thanks, brother,” I murmur and hang up.

  The tense feeling from before builds like a lead weight in my stomach as I look around the nearly empty parking lot. The rain is still hammering down, and I will Tarrant’s car to arrive soon as I stride toward the entrance.

  “Need a ride?”

  Lifting my head against the downpour, I swipe the rain away from my eyes as I come to a stop. Casper stands before me, and I wonder how long he’s been here. Soaked through, his clothes stick to every glorious inch of him, and I shake my head, unsure of what I’m supposed to do. He’s pushed me away at every turn. I’ve wanted him like I’ve never wanted anyone, but I’m done trying. I’m done chasing him. I’m just… done. Period.

  “No thanks, I’m good,” I answer, pulling down on the ties hanging from my hoodie, drawing it closer around my face. Swiftly, I walk away from him, but I can hear his footsteps closing in, so I pick up my stride. I shouldn’t be surprised when he grabs my arm, but still, I am. I don’t turn around, refusing to let him see how much his constant rejection has hurt me.

  “Come on, Caden, don’t walk in this weather. Coach will be pissed if you get ill. Especially if he finds out I didn’t give you a ride home.”

  Snatching my arm from his hold, I shake my head. It’s the first time he’s said my name with such tenderness, and although I want to close my eyes, soak in his tone as it wraps around my name, I ignore my inner longing determined not to fall again. “I won’t tell him if you don’t,” I sneer and promptly start walking again.

  “Shit, Caden. Stop. Please.” The desperation in his voice causes me to stumble, and I falter, turning to face him. Casper raises both his arms, holding them out at his sides. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I’ve been a jackass.” His arms drop, and he steps forward. I try to look around. The parking lot is littered with puddles, and the sky’s almost black.

  “Tell me what you want from me? I need to get home.” I sigh, exhaustion suddenly pulling at every inch of my body.

  Casper stalks toward me, stepping firmly into my space. He’s only half an inch taller than me, so as I blink the rain away, his startled amber eyes are the only thing I see. “I…” Opening and closing his mouth, he transforms into a scared little boy, and my heart breaks for him. His gaze drops to my lips then back to my eyes, lips, and my eyes once again. I let my tongue travel across my mouth, and I’m not sure he even realizes it when a groan escapes him. This time, though, this time I’m not saying anything. He’ll have to make the first move. It will have to be him, or I’ll leave.

  With a sigh and a small shake of my head, I step away from his pull. “See you around, Casper,” I whisper the words, but don’t take another step before his mouth is on mine.

  “Wait, hold up. Now, start from the beginning,” Laura orders, leaning forward and smacking me on the bicep.

  “Ow.” I fake pout, and she rolls her eyes.

  Morgan sits on her own bed, eyeing us both, but she doesn’t say anything. She’s been quiet since I arrived. When she briefly left to use the bathroom, Laura told me she’s been that way all night.

  I only arrived twenty minutes ago but could sense something was wrong. Then, we were discussing movies when I blurted out that Casper kissed me. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, and Laura jumped on the gossip.

  “Hold back on me anymore, and it won’t be a limp slap. Trust me, Reigns.”

  “Is this how you treat my brother?” I ask with a smirk.

  “Only when he’s a bad boy.” She grins and winks at me. I dry heave which causes her to laugh.

  My gaze travels over to Morgan again, who’s still sitting quietly disinterested, which is so unlike her. She seems distant, like her body’s here, while her mind is elsewhere.

  “Come on, spill,” Laura says, and I look back to her. She shakes her head so slightly I blink a couple of times, and wonder if I imagined it. But her frown confirms she wants me to drop it, to let Morgan be.

  “He wanted to give me a lift home, it was raining, and I didn’t have my car.” Running my fingers through my hair, I think back to last night after the game…

  He pulls his lips from mine, and I feel like I’ve lost part of myself with that one movement. “I… I’m sorry,” Casper mumbles, stepping back and wrapping his arms around his chest. I’m not sure if it’s for self-comfort, or to put a wall between us. “I don’t know what that was.” He looks at the ground, at his feet, like the answers are all there.

  “Sure, you don’t.” I can’t help the sarcasm that spills, like poison from a snake bite. The anger within me vibrates, causing my hands to shake. I dig my finger into Casper’s chest, and his head snaps up. Wide, worried eyes nearly make me stumble, but I’m in too much pain. “You can’t see what’s right in front of you. No. Scratch that. You can’t see what’s fucking inside of you,” I shout ramming my finger into his pec again, pushing him backward with the force. “Your body tells you what you want. What you need. So does your mind… your heart. Everything within you is aligned, but you just won’t accept it.” I hang my head as the fight leaves me.

  Casper gently wraps his hand around my finger but doesn’t move it from the position against his chest.

  “While you come to whatever conclusion it is, whatever answer you resolve yourself to, remember, every inch you take from me, every inch I give to you…” I take in a stuttered breath, trying to keep my composure, “… you’re breaking me,” I whisper the last word as a tear slips down my cheek.

  “I’m sorry.” His hushed tone almost has me falling to my knees because I can hear his sincerity.

  “I don’t think it’s enough anymore,” I reply, feeling entirely spent.

  Casper, still holding my finger, opens his mouth to speak, but a set of headlights blind us, and he drops my finger like a dirty needle. I nod, understanding this is always going to be how it is for us and take a step back. I walk over to Tarrant’s car, but before I can open the door, I hear him call to me. My shoulders stiffen, and I take a moment to decide whether I want to listen to his empty words anymore, but I turn to face him anyway.

  “I’m sorry. This is hard for me, but I’m getting there slowly.” He shakes his head and looks conflicted. “That’s not an excuse… it’s—”

  “I have to go,” I say, cutting him off.

  “Wait, Caden. I’m reaching for you… I am. Will you wait for me to settle my soul?”

  “So what did you say?” Laura screeches as
I get to the end of my story.

  “I… I didn’t, I just got in the car.”

  “You what?” Morgan speaks for the first time since saying, ‘hi,’ when I arrived. She gets up and comes to sit next to me on Laura’s bed. “Why didn’t you say anything else?” she questions and Laura leans in on my other side, eager for the answer.

  I sigh and flop back against the wall. “I don’t know.”

  Shaking her head at me sadly, Laura reaches out and squeezes my hand.

  “You don’t know? Explain,” Morgan demands. There’s a tinge of anger in her voice which I’m surprised about and truly confused as to where it’s coming from.

  Scrubbing my free hand down my face, I try to order my thoughts, so they make sense. “I guess… well, I’m scared, Morgan.” I shrug. “We’ve been back and forth so much, he’s denied so much.” I look into Morgan’s eyes, and for the first time, I see there’s real pain there. “He’s my absolute, which means he could destroy me.”

  Laura gasps, she knows exactly what that means for me because it’s the same thing as Tarrant.

  “He is?” Laura breathes out quietly.

  I don’t take my eyes away from Morgan as tears fill her eyes. “He is,” I answer. “Morgan, what is it?” I whisper.

  “He wants you to wait for him. Can’t you see he’s invested? He just needs to get himself straight. At least you’re what he wants,” she tells me. She’s obviously aggravated, but her voice breaks as tears finally find freedom and descend down her face.

  “Morgan,” I say again. Not breaking eye contact, not letting her feel alone, which somehow I know is how she feels.

  Casting her eyes downward, she wraps her arms around her stomach and heaves out a sob. “I-I’m p-pregnant.”

  “How is she?” I ask, taking a seat at the breakfast bar.

  “Not great,” Laura answers as Tarrant tugs her onto his lap.

  After the game on Saturday, I was all geared up for movie night with Laura and Morgan. I needed time with my friends, and to unload everything that’s been going on in my life, to get a little guidance. We couldn’t have it at my house as unusually, my mom was supposed to be home—the fact that she ended up staying out wasn’t surprising. So, I headed over to their dorm. When Morgan revealed the secret she’d been keeping it shocked me to the core. Never would I have expected those words from her. Straight after blurting her truth, she clammed up again. She wouldn’t answer our questions, and I was worried we were probing her too much.

  I pulled Laura to one side and told her I was heading home, giving her some time to find out what’s going on, but I warned her not to push too hard. Morgan needs to know she can come to us when she wants to, not because she’s been forced to. I don’t want her to feel like she has no one because we’ve asked too much, too soon.

  This morning I called Laura, asking her to come over. I need to know that Morgan’s okay. She’s just arrived with Tarrant in tow.

  “Shit.” It’s the only word that comes to mind.

  “You have any idea who the father is?” Tarrant questions.

  Laura shakes her head. “She’s not talking about it. She said she needs time and I have to accept that.”

  “You do, you’re right,” I tell her. Laura smiles at me. “But, you have to know when to rein in the time you give her.” She frowns. “If she’s left alone for too long it could equate to too much. Especially, if she’s living in her own head.” I glance at Tarrant. “Which she seemed to be last night.” I turn back to Laura. “She could make a choice she doesn’t really want, or she could feel so alone that it’s too much for her to handle.”

  Laura leans forward. “What are you saying?” I can hear the worry in her voice.

  Leaning toward her, I meet her stare. Placing my hand on her shoulder, I give it a squeeze. “You know what kind of life she’s had. You know the only person she trusts apart from us is Max.” Laura nods at my words. “You also know she’ll be shitting herself right now. She’ll be so scared of telling Max. Of his reaction. If she feels that way and if she’s that scared, you tell me… where does she turn if she thinks she has no one?”

  Laura jolts backward, and Tarrant wraps his arms around her tighter, whispering something in her ear.

  “I can’t tell Max,” she replies.

  Shaking my head, I agree. “No, you can’t.”

  “Then what?”

  “We need to be around her as much as possible. Not overwhelmingly so, but she needs to know we’re there for her. For when she’s ready.” I look between Tarrant and Laura. “That means more nights at the dorm, even when she isn’t there, so when she comes home someone’s waiting for her.” Laura looks downward, and Tarrant’s fingers find her chin and pull her to face him.

  “What is it baby?” he asks softly.

  “If I stay at the dorm more, that’s less time for us,” she whispers, her gaze dropping to the floor.

  “Hey...” Tarrant replies and she looks at him again, “… Morgan needs you. I’ll be here when you have time.”

  “But—”

  “Lemon, don’t worry about me… about us. Nothing’s going to knock our relationship off course. I’m here, whenever you need me, no matter what.” Tarrant moves closer, his lips brushing her ear. “Forever,” he whispers, and I look away, overcome at their intimate moment, desperately wishing I had that with Casper.

  Glancing back in time to see Laura place a gentle kiss on Tarrant’s lips, I watch his eyes close with a mixture of pleasure and pain crossing his face before they both seem to remember I’m still here. They look back at me, and I shake my head smirking.

  “Yep. Still here.” I chuckle.

  “What the fuck is going on with you and Casper then?” Tarrant asks, he sits rubbing the back of his thumb across Laura’s hand. It’s completely natural.

  “I want that,” I say nodding toward their joined hands. “I’m not sure he wants the same thing. Or more to the point, if he’s ready to admit he wants it.” I sigh.

  “Right.” Tarrant nods, something works behind his eyes. “Caden, if he doesn’t want you, then he’s a fucking idiot.” Our gazes lock, and my heart feels like it hits my ribcage at his words. “But, if he’s not sure because he hasn’t yet accepted what he wants, who he is…” Tarrant shrugs. “You can’t be mad, brother. Everyone needs to work themselves out at their own pace. He might admit to himself that he’s gay, or he might never admit it.” I break our stare and pinch the bridge of my nose. “Caden, have you ever considered he might not be gay? He might be bisexual, or he might just be curious… his actions may never amount to anything more.”

  Tarrant’s words are all my worries personified, the ones I’ve been holding in. The very thoughts that have been painfully ripping my insides to shreds. Because, if Casper doesn’t know the answers to those questions, then there’s no way I could. I’m in the dark and the only person who can enlighten me has no clue what he wants.

  “He asked Caden to wait for him,” Laura tells Tarrant. She glances over at me then back to him. “He said, ‘Will you wait for me to settle my soul.’”

  Tarrant blows out a harsh breath and rubs his cheek. “Fuck,” he murmurs then turns to me. “You don’t have feelings for anyone else, right?” he asks, and I shake my head in the negative. “You don’t have to try anymore, he knows how you feel correct?” I nod, and he shrugs one shoulder at me. “Then you have nothing to lose. He knows how you feel, he’s asked you to wait. Let him be. If he wants you, he’ll be back. And if he doesn’t come back…” he shrugs again, “… you’ll find someone else. Someone who knows what they want. There’s no rush, brother.”

  “But… he’s it for me,” I mutter.

  Tarrant’s eyes widen, and he taps Laura’s leg, so she hops off his lap. Once standing, Tarrant grabs my hand and pulls me up and straight into his arms for a hug. “Give him time… just give him time, brother,” he says in my ear. I hold him a little tighter as his words reverberate through me.

  “Love you
,” I tell him.

  “Always,” he replies

  We pull away, and both look at Laura, whose eyes are filled with tears. She fans her face, and Tarrant smirks at her. “Don’t mind me… you guys have your moment, I’m just gonna go freshen up.” She smiles through her tears and rushes off toward the bathroom.

  “So, give him time?” I ask.

  Tarrant nods. “And space. Let him come to you.”

  “Okay,” I reply.

  “Ice cream?” he asks walking toward the freezer.

  I grin at his back as he walks away.

  “You quit football.”

  I stiffen at his words. “You know?” I question. I’ve not told one person. “How did you know?”

  Tarrant pulls out the ice cream as Laura walks back in the room. She moves to him and lays her head on his back, wrapping her arms around his front. He gently unlocks her hands from his chest and turns around to face her, pulling her back to him and kissing her tenderly. I wander into the living room, trying to give them their moment.

  A few minutes later they join me. Laura hands over a bowl and sits next to me with her own. Tarrant takes the armchair opposite and digs into his food. “Coach told me,” he offers once he’s consumed the first spoonful.

  I’m shocked at first, but when I let it sink in, I realize I’m not that surprised. It’s obvious from our conversation the other day Coach Stanford has been looking out for me for a while.