Conflicted (The Deliverance Series Book 2)

by Maria Macdonald

“What did he say?” I ask, taking another spoonful of ice cream and devouring it.

  “Just that you quit. He understood your reasons why, but now you’re not on the team, he can’t keep an eye on you like he could before. Can’t make sure you’re okay. He said that was my job now.” I swallow hard and place my half-eaten bowl of ice cream on the coffee table. “Kind of figured it was always my job to look out for you. This is not a hardship, Caden.”

  Swallowing again, I manage to compose myself before my emotions take over. A resolve fills me, and I smile. “I love you, both of you. Tarrant, I know you’ll always look out for me, but know that I’ll always look out for you, too. It’s what families are supposed to do for each other.” He nods at me, grinning. “I’m okay. Actually, I think I’m pretty good. Yes, I have Casper issues, but nobody can help me with those,” I say to the both of them. Laura smiles and Tarrant looks at her adoringly. “You two have each other. I left football because I haven’t wanted to play it for so long and Dad has already paid up my tuition, so I’m good. I’m happier now than I’ve been for a long time. Anyway, we have another focus… Morgan,” I tell them.

  “You’re right,” Laura mumbles, placing her bowl down and walking over to Tarrant. Once again, he pulls her into his lap and nuzzles her ear, causing her to giggle some more. “So, battle strategy?”

  I look between the two of them. “Either of you want to research pregnancy? And all that goes along with it?” I smirk, and they look at each other. “I figure if we’re going to be there for her… no matter what she decides to do… we’d be most helpful if we actually knew a little about it, right?” Laura nods enthusiastically, and Tarrant raises an eyebrow. “Google?” I suggest.

  “Right,” Tarrant orders. “You two research all that stuff. Morgan’s away until tomorrow, right?”

  “Yeah,” Laura replies.

  “So do your thing. I’m going to head out of town to see a friend. Get some info from him, seeing as he’s a single dad.”

  “Who?” Laura asks.

  “Coby.”

  “Wow! He’s a single dad?” she murmurs, her eyes widening.

  Tarrant runs his hand down his face. “Shit, don’t get any ideas, Lemon. I know how much he likes you,” he grumbles.

  Laura smiles adoringly and leans in kissing his mouth.

  “Okay, I’m off to get my laptop and do some research,” I tell them, disappearing up the stairs. I have a feeling, for a gay guy, my eyes are about to be truly opened.

  The last month has rushed by.

  In between classes, studying, trying to learn as much as I could on pregnancy, adoption, and even abortion, plus spending as much time as possible with Morgan, I’ve been stacked. Still, I feel like every moment with Morgan was worth it. Laura and I have been there for her and, with a little help, she finally felt strong enough to talk to Max. Now she’s moved in with him, Laura has moved in with Tarrant, and their dorm is officially no more.

  I’ve made time to speak to Casper pretty regularly, but I’ve kept it light. Now I’m not on the football team, I’ve only seen him during our shared classes. That means it’s been easier, we’re not in each other’s faces. I spend my lunch with Laura and Tarrant, and often Solomon will join us, but I let the football team be. Neither Casper nor I have mentioned what happened, and I’m not sure whether I’m relieved or frustrated by that.

  Art is the place where we share more of ourselves. I think there are two sides to him, the one he shows the world, and the one he shows me. I just need to work out which one is the real Casper. I haven’t pushed him, trying to give him as much space as I can, but when he thinks I’m otherwise occupied, I notice him looking. He can’t hide his interest in me anymore.

  Our conversations never pass the point of causing change, though. I keep it safe… we keep it safe. I know if either of us stretches our boundaries right now, the fragile beginnings of any relationship which we might possibly create, could shatter.

  “Ugh.” I shove myself away from my desk and walk over to the window. This house is cold and empty lately. Mom’s job is busier than ever. She’s in marketing now, moving up in the ranks. She works late more often than not, and with her job being an hour’s drive away, I barely see her.

  Tarrant’s never here, opting instead to live above his garage. That leaves only me. On nights like this, when the rain is lashing down, and I’m home alone, I feel stuck. It’s ridiculous, I have my truck outside, but the problem is I have nowhere to go. I could text Solomon or Aaron and meet up with them, but I’m not feeling it at the moment. I don’t want to risk running into Tim and Den, my bullshit tolerance level is at an all-time low right now.

  “Wonder what the time is?” I mutter to myself. Checking my watch, it’s a little after ten pm. “Fuck it!” I snap at nobody. Grabbing my jacket and shrugging it on, I do the only thing I can think of, I drive to the beach.

  There’s no bonfires lighting the sand tonight, which is truly surprising as it’s a Saturday. Thankfully the rain has stopped, and there isn’t much wind, so I’m comfortably warm as I wander along the water’s edge. Without thinking too long and hard, I pull out my cell and text Casper.

  Me: Hey, I wondered if you were busy. I’m walking the beach if you want to keep me company?

  I hold the phone in front of me for a few seconds, waiting to see if he responds. The message tells me it’s been read, but those three little dots never appear, and Casper doesn’t reply.

  I huff out a laugh at my stupidity and continue my jaunt, taking longer strides, eating up the sandy distance quicker than I first wanted to. The rocks where I often relax beckon me as I near them, so I take my place on the cold stone and pop in my earphones. I turn up the volume as Daughtry starts singing ‘It’s Not Over’ in my ears, but I don’t close my eyes.

  Considering it was raining only thirty minutes ago, there are now no clouds in the sky, and the stars seem as though they were put there especially for my pleasure. My eyes start drooping, so I check my watch and see that only twenty minutes have passed. But out here, alone with the stars, I feel like it’s been hours. Getting up from the confines of the rocks, I pull out my earbuds. I’m about to walk back to my truck when Casper appears in front of me. He slams to a halt, seeming as surprised as I am.

  “Oh.” It’s stupid, but it’s the only word able to free itself from my closed up throat. His lips quirk as he doesn’t quite smile, but in the moonlight, under the stars his eyes shine with amusement. “You didn’t respond to my text.” I shrug one shoulder. “I assumed you weren’t coming. I’m heading back to my truck.”

  Casper looks behind him then turns back, his gaze travels over my shoulder. “How about we go sit? Unless you have to be somewhere?”

  I’m not really sure why, but I want to tell him to go fuck himself, my anger is so sharp it’s piercing me from the inside out. There’s a shell surrounding me, and for the first time in forever, I’m stabbing holes in it… I can see the slithers of lights and they are beautiful. Confliction cements my frame, the siren of warning shrieking in my head is only mitigated by the continuous resounding thud of my blood pumping. The age-old battle, head versus heart. I’m just not sure why they’re fighting this time. “We can sit,” I reply and turn back to my rock, my safe place. Casper follows me quietly, and I almost ask why he’s here, but I know there’s sarcasm coiled within me, waiting to vomit all over him. So I wait it out, my mouth clamped shut.

  Watching him trying to cram his big body into my space—an area little more than a bathroom cubicle in size—is somewhere between laughable, and hot as hell. He jostles one leg in, then the other, crouching down to avoid the rock poking out above him on his side. My mind moves back and forth, finding his movements hilarious, but every time I take note of his long legs, or his biceps moving under his white hoodie, I suppress the craving I feel in my gut. Observing him trying to enter my space has washed away the anger which was aflame.

  I watch Casper carefully as he swallows, looking around the tight sp
ace. His profile is strong, manly, but his eyes are vulnerable. Biting my lip, I close my eyes and chastise myself. I’ve been angry with him for what? For not saying he’s gay? For not admitting how he feels? What right do I have to demand he tells me what’s going on inside his head, or his heart? It took me long enough to come to terms with who I am, and even longer to admit it to the world. Casper might not even know what he wants. Who he wants. He might not even know who he is.

  “I was out when you texted. A party.” He looks away from me, toward the waves slithering onto the shore. “I wasn’t feeling it.” He shrugs. “Figured I’d swing by, and see if you were okay.”

  Laying back on my rock, I return my gaze to the stars, grateful because unlike Casper I have a clear view above me on my side. “When I’m here, everything is peaceful, nothing can hurt me.” I’m not sure why I need him to understand the significance of this place and how it feeds my soul, but I do.

  Casper leans to one side, dodging the rock above him and looks up at the sky. “I get it,” he whispers.

  “So, why weren’t you feeling the party? No girls interest you?” I pry.

  His head jerks back sharply and collides with the rock. I wince as he cusses, rubbing his temple, then I try not to laugh as he throws a few more fucks into the air. “Not funny, Reigns,” he snaps, and I grin outright. His eyes move to my mouth like they always seem to do, and even in the darkness, I can see his appetite. He checks himself almost instantly. Shaking his head in denial maybe? “I’m not into sloppy seconds. Most of the girls there have already been with someone else from the football team,” he explains. It’s a rehearsed line—I know them, I’ve used them. I’m just not sure why he’s using it on me, especially after our kiss.

  “Right,” I answer blandly. “So, no one’s caught your eye?”

  His eyes flit to me then the floor, and he rubs his forehead. “Naa.”

  We sit in the quiet, and I think about all the things I wish I could do. All the ways I wish I could express my inner voice.

  “I’m good, okay?” I tell him, finally letting the truth sink in, that he might never feel how I do.

  “Good?” he replies.

  “I don’t know how you feel, Casper. When I was coming to terms with who I am, I felt restless. There was all this noise inside me, it was almost crushing. I thought when I let it go, I would crumble, but I didn’t. Instead, I freed myself,” I tell him sitting up and leaning forward. “I know how hard it is. How scary it is… to let go.” I smile at him sadly, looking over his face, his amber eyes shine in the moonlight. His hair pokes out from his hoodie, hanging slightly in his eyes. “You might never be where I am. I’m comfortable with myself now. And Casper, I’m happy to have you as a friend. That’s enough for me,” I lie. I know I’m breaking a little inside, but I don’t want my feelings to be placed on his shoulders. It’s not fair. He has to figure it out on his own, in his own way. He has to do it on his own terms.

  Standing, I smile down at him. “I’m heading home, you’re free to go back to the party,” I say, getting up and taking a few steps down toward the beach.

  “Wait.” He rushes, standing carefully, to miss the rock. He takes three long strides until he’s firmly in my space.

  Our faces are so close, our mouths merely a couple of inches apart. “What?”

  Casper shocks the shit out of me when he gently cups my cheek with his hand, and his eyes move over my face like it’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen. “I know what I want. I’ve known what I wanted for enough time that I should apologize for my behavior.” His thumb strokes across my cheek. “I thought… maybe I would lose the people in my life I love… my family, my friends. It just took me a little longer to understand.”

  “Understand?” My voice wobbles with emotion.

  “That my mom, my uncle, my cousin will always support me. The rest of my family can fall in line… or not.” He shrugs. “I’ve been here for two months now, and you and Tarrant are my only real friends. Well, and Solomon, but I doubt he’ll be a little bitch about it.”

  “A little bitch?” I question and feel stupid for continually repeating his words, but it’s the only thing I seem capable of at the moment.

  “About me advertising the fact that I’m gay. Not that it’s anyone’s business. But I’m not going to hide who you are to me. I’m not going to pretend. Not anymore.”

  “Why?” I choke out the word.

  “Because I realized tonight, when I was at that party, and you texted me. Something inside told me this was my last chance. If I didn’t claim you, someone else would. Then I’d be the one sitting across the room, watching you with another guy.”

  His words are so profound I can’t help but kiss him hard. A jolt of fear runs through me, but it’s washed away when I feel how much he wants me. And as he wraps me in his arms and claims me, I know, this time… I’m really his.

  I never thought I’d be the one wanting to hide. It’s hard, finally living as the person you are, for everyone to see, for everyone to judge.

  “Come on,” Casper encourages, holding my hand and pulling me through the college quad. For some reason, he’s more comfortable than I am. To think I spent time worrying whether he’d ever be honest about his feelings, and yet here we are, with him taking the lead.

  “Their stares don’t bother you?” I question.

  He pulls to a stop and looks around. People quickly avert their eyes and rush about as though we weren’t just being ogled like zoo animals.

  “Come, sit,” he says pulling me to a bench, shaded by an oak tree. I sit but continue looking around as people whisper and stare. “Hey,” he says grabbing my face and turning me to look at him. “This is us, remember. Fuck everyone else.”

  I close my eyes and feel his fingers against my chin, his warm breath blowing across my face. I don’t want to feel anxious, I shouldn’t feel anxious, but I hate being the center of attention. Without warning, and with my eyes still closed, Casper kisses me softly, pressing his lips firmly on mine. He pulls back, and I open my eyes to his gaze, the amber hues have brown flecks in them today, and they’re soft, showing me how much he truly cares. He smiles, and I’m lost in him until I hear the jeers. I pull my face away and see Den and Tim walking by with a group of their friends.

  “Look at those two. Dirty fuckers,” Den sneers.

  Tim laughs, throwing his head back for effect. “Yeah, it seems Caden has turned the new boy, too.”

  A couple of the group laugh along, including Tim’s brother, Todd. He grins sardonically then throws a handful of peanuts into his mouth. Others in the group look at the ground seeming uncomfortable but saying nothing.

  “Better watch your backs in the locker room boys,” Den says laughing.

  Casper growls. I look at him to see he’s staring angrily at them, his face is tight, a muscle moving in his cheek as he tries to control himself.

  “We should have branded Caden as the dirty bastard he is when we had the chance,” Tim says grinning darkly.

  Before I have a chance to do anything, Casper is out of my grip and barreling across the open space. He launches himself at Tim and punches him square in the nose, blood spurts out like a fountain, and Tim screams like a banshee. Den grabs Casper’s shoulder from behind and pulls him around, hitting him hard on the ear. I jump up as I watch Casper stumble, before gaining his feet again and laying into Den. Tim is joined by his older brother Todd. They walk toward me, and I manage to land a single punch on Tim’s clearly broken nose, causing him to howl in pain and fall on his ass.

  “Dirty faggot,” his brother snarls, reaching for me. Someone else joins him and pulls my arms back, I turn my head as the first punch lands on my cheek.

  “Get off him!” Casper shouts.

  A small group seems to have formed around us, but nobody’s doing anything more than watching. Casper rushes forward, throwing Den off him and reaching for Tim’s brother. He kicks Todd’s legs out from under him and comes back for the guy holding me, bu
t he’s pulled back again when Todd quickly manages to get back on his feet.

  They grapple, and Den pulls up Tim, then they both make their way to me. I realize we’re in a shit predicament. I’m not a fighter anyway, and now it seems there’s four against two, and not one person is helping. A commotion takes the attention of all of us, and before I realize what’s going on Tarrant and Solomon storm into the fray. Everything happens so fast.

  I’m suddenly released. Casper beats the crap out of Todd while Solomon deals with Tim and Den. I turn to look for Tarrant. Shock courses through me, and I clutch my stomach when my brain engages, and I realize who it was holding me. Tarrant has him pinned up against the wall, his nose is already bleeding, his lip too, and as Tarrant whispers something in his ear as his face pales. Emotion creeps up my throat, and I turn away, as nausea hits me in waves.

  My eyes meet Laura’s, and I notice she’s crying, her hand over her mouth. I turn back to Tarrant once more, just to check I’m seeing correctly. Yep, it’s still Aaron he’s holding against the wall. The friend I thought I had, the once stand-up guy who was the light in Morgan’s world.

  I step forward. “Why?” I question, not caring who might be listening.

  Aaron drops his gaze. “I’m sorry,” he whispers then looks up, his eyes meeting mine, and I know I can’t forgive him.

  “Fuck you,” I say. Turning, I grab Laura’s hand and drag her away with me.

  Ten minutes later the others find us sitting in the library. “Are you okay?” Casper rushes out, falling to his knees in front of me and cupping both sides of my face with his hands. Tarrant pulls Laura into him as Solomon paces back and forth.

  “I’m fine,” I croak out. My eyes sweep across Casper’s face, but he doesn’t seem to have any cuts. I know I have a cut on my lower lip and a bruise is forming on my cheek. Casper leans into me and tenderly kisses my mouth.

  “I’ll be talking to Coach, and the Dean about this,” Solomon barks out.