The Hope That Starts

by Heidi Hutchinson

  ***

  The next several days were spent wrapped in their own little cocoon. Harrison's fever came back, but not as severe and not as long. He was pretty miserable with the blisters and the headache. Zelda couldn't get him to eat much because of the sores inside his mouth. But she was keeping him hydrated, so she counted it as a victory. Even though turning down food seemed to hurt Harrison in a deeply personal way that no one but he could ever understand.

  They didn't talk about Kiley anymore. Deciding to live in a bubble for as long as they could. They watched Doctor Who. She read The Hobbit to him. He made her listen to bands from his youth.

  Each day he got a little closer to being healthy. And Zelda pretended not to notice.

  “My head itches like crazy,” Harrison complained on day seven, running his fingers through the thick curls.

  “I like your hair,” she said.

  He flashed her a smile, brighter than it had been all week.

  “I can cut it for you if you think it would make you more comfortable,” she offered.

  “Yeah, let's do that,” he agreed and jumped up from the bed where they had been watching old Star Trek episodes.

  Zelda felt the bounce of the bed in the pit of her stomach. Time was running out.

  He called to her from the bathroom and so she went to join him. He sat on the toilet, facing the mirror. He grinned at her and the dread dug itself in deeper.

  Unable to hide her emotions, she refused to look at his face while she worked. Being careful of the blisters on his scalp, she cut the curls, watching them fall to the floor all around her bare feet. They were soft on her toes and the tears burned the back of her eyes.

  Crouching down in front of him to check for evenness of length, she was startled when his thumb wiped a tear off of her cheek.

  Her eyes met his and she tried to smile, but failed.

  “My beautiful, Zelda,” he whispered, his own eyes red-rimmed.

  “I really liked your hair,” she said, hoping he wouldn't press for more.

  “It'll grow back,” he said quietly.

  She nodded meekly. It would grow back. But she wouldn't be around when it did.

  He took the scissors and set them on the counter and then he stood up, shedding his shirt on the floor. Then he took her hand and led her to the bed.

  Carefully, he laid her on top of the sheets and covered her body with his own. Then he kissed her. He hadn't kissed her in more than a week and it was the sweetest and most torturous moment of Zelda's entire existence. His mouth was careful, as it was still sore. But he was diligent and dedicated, letting her know exactly how much he cared for her and always would.

  Tired, he turned her body so her back fit to his front and he held her close. “I'll love you forever,” he whispered into her hair.

  “Until there's nothing left of me,” she replied.

  A few hours later, Zelda woke up to the sound of clanging dishes. She listened to Harrison rummage through the food in the outer room. His appetite was back.

  He ate until he was full before coming back to bed. She heard him take more Benadryl before crawling back into the covers with her and wrapping his body around hers again.

  She didn't return to sleep this time. She waited until she heard the steady breathing and then she slowly removed herself from his embrace.

  Packing silently in the dark suite, she sent Carl a text to meet her in the lobby in thirty minutes. She snuck back into the bathroom and stole a single curl from the floor. A perfect one. Dark and shiny and amazing. Just a fangirl's memento now. She taped it to the side of her camera, knowing it would be safe there until she could find somewhere better to keep it.

  Facing herself in the mirror, she was only slightly shocked to see her face was wet and her eyes were mostly red. Reaching behind her head, she unclasped the necklace. The one she had worn every day since her parents had given it to her. For courage and to know she was unconditionally loved.

  She didn't need the reminder anymore.

  Returning to the bedroom where he was sleeping, she left the pendant on the nightstand by his phone.

  The world would never know about them.

  No one would ever know that she was his and he was hers. That she loved him first and most and forever.

  “I love you... I will love you until there's nothing left of me,” she said once more to his sleeping and beautiful face. “The stars, Harrison, always look at the stars for a reminder... the stars have nothing on us. We shined brighter than the brightest. Don't forget that.”

  By the time she reached the lobby, she was a mess. She didn't know if there would be anything left of her after this entire thing was over.

  Carl was waiting and he didn't look surprised when he saw her with her giant suitcase.

  She handed him a bag of memory cards. All the pictures she had taken. She had saved only one card for herself. One filled with evidence. The evidence that they had existed. That they had loved and it was real.

  “I'm sorry, I have to go now,” she said, not caring that her voice was trembling.

  Carl slowly shook his head. “Sway told us what was happening. Just stick around and we'll get this sorted.”

  “Carl, he can't make that choice. I have to make it for him.”

  His eyes softened as he looked over her face. “But it's killing you.”

  She laughed without humor. “Only in the literal sense.”

  “Kid—” Carl's voice broke and he grabbed her in a hug that was surprising yet welcome. “I'm gonna fix this for the both of you,” he said into the top of her head.

  Zelda wished that were possible, but it just wasn't.

  ***

  Harrison woke up feeling better than he had in more than a week. He sucked in a deep breath and didn't feel the pain radiate through his body like it had been lately. He stretched slowly, noting the empty bed, but not thinking much of it. Maybe Zelda was getting them breakfast. His stomach rumbled happily at the thought.

  Reaching to the nightstand to check his phone, his hand bumped something that fell onto the floor. He rolled over to see what it was, and his heart fell into his stomach.

  Zelda's necklace.

  No.

  His entire body screamed it while his mouth tried to work.

  “Zelda?” he yelled, scooping up the necklace and throwing the covers back. “Zelda?” he called again running into the other room.

  Her bags were gone.

  He felt her absence as solidly as a physical blow. Rocking back as if punched, his back hit the wall and he slid to the floor.

  He'd known last night when she had started to cry. But he thought he had another day with her. He never thought she'd sneak out while he slept.

  Would he even have let her go?

  No.

  He would never have just let her go. You don't let go of a woman like that. You hold her and you kiss her and you pledge your forever to her.

  But you don't let her go.

  Chapter 22

  Holding Out For A Hero

  Carl was expecting the call, but he still jumped when it came through. He was waiting in the hall so when the phone rang, he knocked on the kid's door.

  It swung open quickly and Carl saw the look of desperate hope on Harrison's freshly shaved face get dashed.

  Carl came inside without an invite and waited for the rage.

  He was disappointed.

  “Did you make sure she got to where she was going?” Harrison asked seriously.

  “Yeah,” Carl said, nodding his head and licking his lips. “She got there safe. I made sure.”

  “Where did she go?” Harrison asked next.

  “She asked me not to tell you,” Carl said after a moment's hesitation. “And I agreed.” Harrison was going to protest, so Carl held up a hand. “At least until we figure out this whole thing with Kiley.”

  Harrison shook his head. “She's gotta be nuts if she thinks I'm going to choose her over Zelda.”

  “That's not what
she's banking on, and you know it,” Carl said. “She's making you choose between Zelda and the child.... the problem with that being the media circus she'll have no trouble creating if you pick the wrong one.”

  “This is crazy!” Harrison finally yelled, which Carl was thankful for. He couldn't stand it when they were acting like reasonable adults. It wasn't natural.

  “I agree,” Carl said, shrugging. “I think you should put it to the band to decide.”

  “Okay, now I think you're crazy,” Harrison said in consternation.

  “Why does that make me crazy? Think about it, the band is what you're trying to protect. Shouldn't they get a say in what sacrifices should be made?”

  Harrison paced back and forth a few times, his emotions at war on his face. “I can't believe you just let her go. You should have made her stay.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Carl huffed, trying not to laugh. “Between the both of you trying hardest to be the martyr, I'm lucky I haven't gotten whiplash.”

  “What kind of choice did she really have?” Harrison asked.

  “Holy shit,” Carl muttered, losing his fight with his smile. “There's the whiplash. Now you're defending her actions.”

  When Harrison turned around, the pain on his face was so fresh, so raw, Carl wished he could take it back.

  “I'm sorry,” he said, dropping his tone. “I know this is hard.”

  “This is my whole life, Carl,” Harrison said gruffly.

  Carl nodded and looked to his boots. One of the hardest parts about his job was loving these guys and acting like he didn't. “We'll figure it out.”

  Harrison rubbed his jaw with one hand. “I just wish she would have stayed. That she would have... I don't know, let me say goodbye?”

  “Would you have been able to do that?” Carl asked seriously.

  Harrison shook his head. “No.”

  Carl smiled then and Harrison frowned at him. Hard.

  “Zelda is the most dedicated fangirl if ever there was one. Do you really think she'd just stand by and do nothing if her presence put something she loved in jeopardy?”

  “No,” Harrison said, chuckling under his breath. “No, she'd do everything in her power to protect it.”

  Carl nodded. “Like leave a situation that her presence was only going to exacerbate.”

  “But this isn't just a fandom. I love her,” Harrison said calmly.

  “Somehow, I don't think Zelda makes that kind of a distinction,” Carl said with a smirk. “And if she heard you say just a fandom, she'd be the first to re-educate you.”

  Harrison smiled then. A sad, wistful smile, but still.

  ***

  The morning sickness could go away anytime now, Kiley thought as she stood leaning heavily against the counter in her hotel room. A room that happened to be eight hundred miles away from Harrison.

  Travel was becoming harder and harder to pull off. She had been late to her last flight and had to get a secondary to her next appointment. She'd spent most of that time in the lavatory.

  Pregnancy was hard.

  And so far, not fun.

  It was way past the deadline she'd selfishly imposed on Harrison and so far she had received no word. It figured. She should have known it was a lost cause. No one would ever choose her.

  Her phone buzzed on the counter beside her hand and just her eyes slid to look at the screen. And just like that, another wave of nausea took over and she lurched to the toilet bowl.

  ***

  “I still don't understand,” Amber said through the phone, her exasperation apparent. “They didn't fire you, the tour isn't over, Harrison is completely smitten... why did you leave?”

  Zelda pushed on the center of her forehead with her fingertips in the exact spot where her constant headache had resided since she'd fled the Double Blind Study tour four days prior. She hadn't told anyone why she'd left, not even Amber. And it sucked.

  But it wasn't her business to tell. Of course she didn't believe that Amber would ever tell anyone, but if it did leak out, Zelda needed to know for a fact that the information had never passed her own lips. It was the only way to be sure she had done all she could.

  Lying to Amber was painful. And harder than she thought possible. Because what she really wanted to do was get on a plane, fly across the country, collapse on her best friend's couch amid a pile of blankets and comfort food, and cry her little nerd heart out.

  Instead, she sighed and controlled the tenor of her voice as she replied with her great big lie. “It was just time to go. It wasn't working out.”

  “Did you guys fight or something?” Amber pressed.

  “No. We didn't fight. It was just time. Listen, I have to go, I have an interview in an hour and I need to get dressed.”

  “Okay,” Amber said, not sounding like she believed her in the slightest.

  “I'll call you later,” Zelda promised before hanging up.

  Mindee came strolling into the living room of her apartment, carrying a bowl of cereal, her mouth full. Gray men's dress slacks patched with punk rock band logos, rainbow colored toe socks, and a white tank top made up the colorful drummer's attire, and Zelda couldn't help but smile at her. When she'd left L.A. a few months ago, Mindee's hair had been jet black and hung to the middle of her back. Now it was bleached blonde with streaks of turquoise and cut to her shoulders. She could rock any look she chose.

  Mindee swallowed her mouthful. “Where's the interview?” she asked.

  “Downtown. It's for an up-and-coming Nashville heartthrob,” Zelda said with a smirk. “Aren't they all?” Carl had supplied her with a letter of recommendation and a list of contacts for her to try out. She didn't deserve it, but she was thankful.

  Mindee snickered. “I work at the station tonight, so I'll be home late.”

  “Not a problem,” Zelda replied. “Thanks,” she said seriously. “For letting me crash here for a few days.”

  Mindee grinned. “Hey, it's a good deal for me. You always do the dishes and leave my fridge full of food, so it' a win-win.”

  Zelda was glad she thought that. Especially since she really didn't have much of a plan for getting another apartment right away. Signing a lease just to have to break it in a couple of weeks seemed like such a waste. If she could get another job quickly and get back on the road, or be asked to move somewhere else, that was would be the best.

  “Are you still going to Comic-Con?” Mindee asked.

  Zelda lifted an eyebrow as she thought about it. She had the costume in her suitcase. She'd been planning on going anyway. Had even made arrangements with Zed to take her there when they were in San Diego. She'd hoped that Harrison would accompany her, but that wasn't happening now.

  “Maybe,” she said, shrugging.

  “Cool.”

  “Did Matt ever move out?” Zelda asked, curiosity getting the best of her.

  Mindee nearly shot milk out her nose. “You didn't hear?” she asked.

  Zelda shook her head in the negative.

  “Oh, Zelda, it's truly amazing. He joined the military.”

  Zelda looked to the ceiling and thanked God for still gifting her laughter amid all the hell down here.

  “Does he know they're gonna make him get off his ass and follow orders and stuff?” she asked.

  “I talked to him the day before he left for Basic.” Mindee was smiling so huge, Zelda could see all of her perfect white teeth. “He's hoping for a desk job.”

  Zelda blinked. Then she burst out laughing, bending at the waist to clutch her stomach.

  “You know,” she said as she caught her breath and wiped the moisture from her eyes, “It's going to be good for him.”

  “Yeah,” Mindee chortled. “If he survives it.”

  ***

  Harrison was having a hard time believing this was actually happening. He'd barely had time to process the initial information before being struck down with the pox. Though it was kind of hilarious how every time he referred to it as “The Pox,” the w
hole band cringed.

  Then, his sanity, the girl who not only held his heart, but talked to him in a way he understood in his gut, had left.

  Just... gone.

  The elevator doors opened and he pushed out a heavy breath before taking the first step forward. The first of many.

  For all of her threats and grandstanding, Kiley was making it difficult to talk to her. She wouldn't answer her phone or any of his texts. He hoped that didn't mean something bad for the baby.

  Baby.

  It didn't feel real.

  It felt like a story he'd heard about someone else in a far away place. He was trying as hard as he could to really wrap his head around it, but how do you do that? How do you make something real that is still so far away and is no bigger than a thought? Or a heartbeat?

  Glancing briefly at the numbers on the doors as he strode his way down the hall, he tightened his grip on the bag of cinnamon rolls in his hand.

  His sister, Greta, had said to show up with food. It would go a long way.

  He figured that was a safe bet. At least, if he were an emotionally distraught pregnant woman, food would definitely help him.

  Greta had also asked if she could come with, but Harrison knew that was a bad idea. He really hoped his sister would calm down eventually. Because it looked like Kiley was going to be in their lives for a long time. And it wouldn't be very good for the child if that whole time was filled with tension, distrust, and aggravation.

  Child.

  Whoa.

  Knocking on the door even felt surreal.

  He hadn't seen Kiley in more than two weeks. He hadn't seen Zelda in nine days. It had taken him that long to track Kiley down, even though he had wanted to spend that time looking for Zelda.

  Plus, they were still on tour. So he was also responsible for his day job. It would make things a lot easier if Carl would just tell him where Zelda was.

  That was still a sore spot for him. Carl knew where she was and he wasn't saying. It didn't matter that Harrison promised he wouldn't try to go and see her. He had been lying through his teeth, but Carl didn't need to know that.

  At least she hadn't shut off her phone yet. He'd been texting her and calling her regularly. She wasn't replying. But every time the messages indicated that his text had been read, he felt a connection. She wasn't gone. She was just giving him space to get this whole thing figured out.