The Hope That Starts

by Heidi Hutchinson

  She jerked her head back at the accusation, her mouth falling open even as her stomach balanced precariously on the precipice of puking up the three crackers she had eaten that day.

  Sway ran his tongue over his teeth, shook his head and then looked to the ceiling. “I bet Harrison didn't even ask, I bet he just went right ahead and accepted what you said.”

  “It's his,” she snapped, leaning forward.

  Sway rolled his eyes, clearly not afraid of the pregnancy rage bubbling up inside of her. “You are a special kind of crazy, aren't you?”

  ***

  Zelda crawled into the bed next to Harrison after she replaced his cool washcloth. He reached for her and burrowed as close to her as he could, his body hot and heating hers up instantly. She stroked his damp hair off of his face.

  She wanted to ask what he was thinking, if he was thinking anything. She wanted to know what was going to happen after all of this.

  “What happens now?” she asked aloud.

  He didn't answer, of course, except to groan a little in his sleep.

  Her mind drifted, thinking about watching Sway with Miles today at the Observatory. Sway had missed so much of that life. Alexa did her best to hide her regret and her guilt, but Zelda saw it.

  At the same time, she understood.

  Having a child with Sway sounded terrifying. And seven years ago he was wild. Looking at that and trying to make the best decision possible, Alexa did what she thought she must.

  But it didn't change the fact that Sway missed out on the first seven years of his son's life. If he was angry, he hadn't shown it. He seemed to dive in with his whole heart, though. Determined to participate now, as fully as he could.

  Would Kiley let Harrison be a part of his child's life? Would she expect them to be a family? Wasn't that an appropriate expectation?

  Sam opened the door and let the doctor back in. Zelda watched silently as he administered the antiviral and took Harrison's temperature again.

  “It won't make him better,” the doctor explained. “But it should keep the virus from multiplying. You can give him antihistamines to help with the comfort. And keep an eye on that fever.”

  Zelda nodded mutely. The doctor left just as Sam brought in more supplies, then he left as well.

  The fever still hadn't broken and Zelda pressed her cheek to Harrison's curls, the heat from the top of his head radiated against her skin.

  “Please get through this,” she whispered. “So we can get through the next thing.”

  ***

  “Sway, no offense, but this is really between me and Harrison.”

  Sway's eyes bugged out. “Yeah, and the other three guys you're banging!”

  At least Sway had the satisfaction of seeing Kiley's face go pale. It was really quite something since she was so tan. Whoosh! White as a ghost.

  “How did you—?”

  “Please,” Sway said, rolling his eyes. “I may be the pretty one, but that shouldn't automatically make me the fool.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “If you knew, then why didn't you tell Harrison? I thought you guys were like the Musketeers.”

  “Because some lessons you have to learn on your own. And also, I told him all the time that he was too good for you.” Sway was now wishing he had pushed a little harder on that.

  Kiley crossed the room and sat down in a chair, lacing her fingers together and staring at the floor. “Well, it doesn't matter now. I'm pregnant and Harrison’s the father.”

  Sway had known exactly what he had to do the moment he'd seen Zelda's face when she heard the news. The news that her whole life was going to be very different. And it wasn't even her baby. More than likely, it wasn't Harrison’s either.

  It incensed Sway. To an extent that he was having difficulty keeping his words and his anger in check. He wanted to yell. A lot.

  This was supposed to be his problem. He should have dealt with this struggle years ago. He was the one who had lived recklessly, made those choices.

  Harrison's only bad choice here was sleeping with a crazy person.

  If he got to choose the name of the next tour, it was most assuredly going to be, “Don't Have Sex with Psychos.”

  “Yeah, but see, I don't think that's it. I think you want Harrison to be the father.” Sway walked over to the window and looked out on the city below. “Which means there could be a good man out there, about ready to be a dad, and you have no intention of telling him.”

  The things that Sway would have done differently seven years ago... What he would have said to Alexa, the changes he would have made, the life he could have had...

  He turned from the window and faced Kiley.

  “What did you tell him?” he asked quietly.

  Her eyes closed slowly and tears made tracks down her cheeks. “I told him that he couldn't be in the baby's life if he wasn't with me.”

  Sway shook his head and tskd under his breath.

  “I told him he had until the end of the week to decide,” she said, like she had given Harrison some sort of benevolent gift.

  “But you know him. You know who he is. That's why you picked him.”

  “I picked him because I love him,” Kiley protested weakly. She shook her head, realizing what she had let slip. “And he's the father anyway, so...”

  Sway took a deep breath and slid his hands into his pockets. “Give him longer than a week.” She raised her head, ready to argue, and he held up a hand to stop her. “He's really sick right now, Kiley. Let Zeldy have this time with him before you take him away.”

  She sucked in a breath, a dozen questions sliding over her face. “You think he'll pick me?” she asked hopefully.

  Sway looked to his feet. “I think that I just told you he was really sick and your first question was about yourself. That's what I think.” He looked back at her in time to see her face flush with shame. “I think you've left him little choice and you know it. But I know if you expect him to take responsibility for this child, you better be right about who the father is.”

  Her eyes drifted to the window behind him and he could see the wheels turning.

  “You better make sure you know what you're doing,” he said.

  She had no reply, so Sway took his leave, letting himself out. Now he had to go break the heart of the nerd girl.

  ***

  Zelda gripped the seat cushion of the couch until her knuckles turned white. She stared at Sway, unable to form words. She really should have known that this was coming.

  Only in the books and movies did it turn out the way it was meant to. In the real world, people didn't get the fairytale. The real world was ugly and tempting and hurtful. It was full of disease and trickery and madness.

  Her heart pressed heavily into her other organs, so full it felt as if it were about to burst. Swollen with fear and pain and grief.

  Tears ran freely down her face. She felt them, but couldn't do anything to stop them. She hated Kiley. At the same time, she understood exactly why Kiley was doing this. And she hated herself for thinking that Harrison was all for her.

  “I thought you should know,” Sway said gently.

  She nodded in agreement. It was better that she knew. She had time to say goodbye, to really give it the attention it needed. Because you don't just walk away from the love of your life without packing carefully first.

  “Thank you,” she said, her voice rough.

  “Kiley might still change her mind,” Sway said, though they both knew how unlikely that was.

  She appreciated his hopeful suggestion. But that's all it was... hope. Hope without an anchor. Hope without a purpose.

  “This would be easy to fight. She can't force a relationship. It's emotional blackmail. A lawyer would request a DNA test before letting Harrison declare paternity,” Sway said seriously.

  Zelda shook her head. “I was hired to show the world how amazing you guys are. A drama like this would make you guys look horrible in the media. They'll tear you all apart, Harrison most
of all. I can't be party to that.”

  Sway may not have agreed with her, but he understood her. She could tell by the thin press of his lips and the grip of his hand on her knee.

  “I'll make sure you guys have time alone,” Sway said, standing up.

  He knew. The same as Kiley knew. Harrison wasn't the guy to walk away from a child. It wasn't in him. Given the option, he would choose the right thing to do over anything else.

  So this was what they had left.

  Sway left them alone.

  Zelda made her way back into the bedroom and checked Harrison's still unbroken fever.

  She crawled onto the covers, the heat from his body making the comforter warm underneath her. He turned to her automatically and rested his head on her chest.

  “I want you to know how much I love you,” she whispered into the dark room. “I have never, and I will never, love anyone like I love you.”

  Her fingers sank into his thick curls and she twisted her fingers gently in them. They basically had until he was healthy. So now was the time to tell him all the things she thought she'd have time to tell him later. All the things that couples share in the dark as the years pass by and they remember and reminisce.

  She had been looking forward to those nights.

  At least she had this. She could tell him those things now.

  “Remember the first time we met?” she asked, the night suddenly their safe place. A place for secrets and whispers. “I think I started to fall in love with you that moment. By day two, when you caught me from falling, I was already in deep. I never really fought it. I loved every second of it.” She pressed a kiss to his head.

  The lights from the city drowned out the light of the stars in the sky outside the window. His breathing was steady and she could feel the beat of his heart through his through his chest. “I can't see the stars when I'm in the city, never could. But I know they're there. They're always there. They shine and burn and fall... just like us.”

  Chapter 21

  Samson

  The next day was more of the same. Harrison's fever came down slightly, but didn't break. The blisters had arrived in full force, so Zelda filled him up on Benadryl to keep him sleeping.

  Kendra arranged for meals to be left outside of their door a couple of times a day. Though Harrison wasn't really eating, and Zelda had no appetite.

  She wondered if Kiley was staying in the hotel, or if she had a place in the city. She probably could have asked Sway, but she decided she didn't really want to know.

  She didn't want to be reminded of why she couldn't stay.

  “Zeldy?” Harrison called from the bedroom. Zelda hung up the wet towel from her hair and hurried back into his room. She'd taken advantage of his lengthy nap to get herself a fast shower.

  His eyes were closed and he was shivering. She crawled under the covers with him, his arms immediately snaking around her body and holding her tight.

  “It's s-so cold in here,” he said, his jaw shaking with chills.

  “It's the fever,” she whispered, her body rocking with his tremors.

  This was the scary part. This was far scarier than what Kiley had presented them with. If his body wasn't strong enough to fight this infection... She didn't want to imagine what would happen. A sustained high fever could mean brain damage. Would Kiley want him then?

  Zelda pushed those kinds of thoughts from her mind. She needed to focus on one moment at a time. Worrying about what could happen would only distract her and cause more stress.

  “Shh,” she soothed against his forehead. “It's okay. I'm right here.”

  “This makes sense, doesn't it?” he asked dryly. “Of course I'd be killed by a little kid's disease.”

  “Stop that,” she chastised even as she fought a smile. “You're not going to die. I won't let you.”

  “Think about it,” he said, ignoring her. “I'm the baby. I'm not the hot one or the dangerous one or the deeply troubled one. I'm the adorable one.”

  “I was always a sucker for the adorable one,” she murmured and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

  “How am I supposed to be a decent father?” he rambled on. She grew still at his words. This is the first he'd mentioned it since the night Kiley had told him she was pregnant. “I have no idea how to make this work. Kiley is asking me to do the impossible.”

  Zelda agreed with him. His body shuddered again and she held him tighter.

  “I love you, Zeldy. I love you so much. I think you about all the time. I think I loved you the moment I saw those green eyes. But I knew it for sure when you said you dreamed of dancing with me.”

  The tears came often at this point, so Zelda wasn't even surprised when she felt a hot path trace its way down her face.

  “I'll never dance with anyone again. You were it,” he whispered. “It's like choosing between life and death. How did I live without you? How do I go back to not having you?”

  “You just start again,” she said. “Somewhere new.”

  “You'll always have the best of me. Just you.”

  His body stopped its hard tremors as he eased into sleep. She didn't let go. She continued to hold him and cry. She cried for all that they were and all they could have been.

  ***

  Zelda woke up sometime after dark drenched in sweat. At first she was confused. Her clothes, the sheets, the pillows were soaked. Harrison moved against her in his sleep and she kissed his forehead. His cool forehead.

  “Thank you, God,” she whispered, kissing Harrison's head, his cheeks, his lips. All normal temperature.

  His eyes opened and they focused on her. She rejoiced in their clarity before kissing him again on the side of his mouth.

  “We should get these sheets changed,” she said, hurrying out of the bed.

  Harrison groaned, but rolled to the side and swung his legs out. Zelda began to strip the bed, knowing there were fresh sheets stacked by the door along with all the other random supplies Kendra kept dropping off.

  “Can I help?” Harrison asked quietly.

  She smiled at his near-nakedness. “No. Why don't you take advantage of this moment of lucidity and take a shower. By the time you're out, I'll be done.”

  He nodded and shuffled his way into the bathroom.

  Zelda was bolstered with the break in his fever. It could not have come at a better time. She no longer felt completely helpless.

  She finished changing the sheets and heard the water still running. Rummaging through the drawers, she grabbed him a pair of fresh boxers and some sweat pants.

  “I'll just leave these on the counter,” she said loudly after she'd entered the bathroom.

  He stuck his head out of the shower door. Pale and with the awful pox marring his beautiful face, his smile was still her favorite thing to see. “Thanks,” he said.

  Returning to the living room where her own clothes were stored, she changed quickly into dry clothes. Yoga pants and her favorite Firefly shirt. It was white and simply said, “We have done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.”

  When she came back into the bedroom, Harrison was dressed and standing beside the bed. The lamp on the end table was on, casting his face in different shadows. He had shaved off his beard.

  He smiled, attempting to hide the sadness that was so apparent. Since the night he'd told her he loved her, he'd stopped hiding. No longer was his face unreadable and expressionless. He let her see everything. Even in this case, when he wasn't intending to.

  “I love your shirt,” he said with a half-cocked smile.

  “I love you,” she said, taking it further. Not knowing how much longer until it was over, she was determined to make sure he knew it. Over and over she was going to tell him. Hoping it would be ingrained in his memory forever. Hoping that he never doubted it, hoping it was enough.

  He reached an arm out to her. “C'mere.”

  She touched his bare cheeks when she was close enough. “Why'd you shave?”

  He shrugged. “My face is
itchy and Carl had left a razor and shaving cream parked conveniently in the bathroom.”

  She smiled as he folded her against his chest. “How do you know it was Carl?”

  “It was the same thing he did to me in high school when I was trying to be more of a man. He disagreed and that was how he let me know.”

  He hugged and then released her, bending down to pull the covers back. “I took some more Benadryl too, so I'm not sure how much company I have left in me.”

  She got into the bed beside him, they resumed their usual position of his head on her chest as she played with his hair. One of his heavy legs was flung over both of hers, pinning her down.

  “Sway told me everything,” she said.

  Harrison groaned. “So it wasn't just a hallucination? Kiley really is holding my child hostage?”

  “In a matter of speaking,” Zelda whispered. Her fingers trailed from his hair down to his ear and back again.

  “I don't love her,” Harrison said, his words coming out broken and pained.

  Zelda closed her eyes, feeling a fresh burn begin behind her eyelids.

  “I'm so stupid,” he said, his arms flexing possessively around her. “And selfish. I've ruined everything.”

  “Just get some sleep,” she said carefully, hoping she wasn't giving herself away. “We can figure it all out later.”

  But there was nothing to figure out. Not without dragging the band through a media-wide scandal that would shred the reputation that they had worked so hard to rebuild.

  Life in the limelight was so different. Regular people making regular mistakes and stuck under a microscope and distributed to a billion people with harsher opinions than most political pundits.

  Mercy didn't exist in this world. The tabloids would be all over it, they'd spoon feed it to the public. Spoiled rock stars, never growing up. Wanting their cake and eating it too.

  The solution was obvious. Just give Kiley what she wanted.

  And live with the memory that Zelda and Harrison had found the kind of love they had only ever dreamed about. But at least they would have that memory.

  Kiley couldn't take that away.