Left to Love (The Next Door Boys)

by Jolene Perry

  - - -

  My online shop’s email inbox had gotten full after my few days on the couch. I’d neglected it further when Mom decided to stay for a whole week, just to make sure I could function. I felt pretty good, almost normal.

  I filtered through wedding dress requests to see what I might like to work on. If I picked something simple, I might be able to put it together during the second week after my next treatment. If I still needed more time, I could work on it on my good days after number three. It felt good, having plans to keep busy on the days I knew I’d probably feel okay.

  “Leigh?” Brian called from the front door.

  “In here.”

  “Wha’cha workin on?” He sat sideways on the chair next to me, facing his body toward mine. He slid his hands around my waist.

  “Email, I thought I’d do another wedding dress.” I shifted my eyes to the screen, afraid of what his reaction might be.

  His body tensed and pulled away from me a little. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

  I tried to dismiss his concern. “You know you worry too much.”

  “I just don’t want you to take on something that’s too big to finish if you start to feel worse.” His words felt carefully placed. Brian had always just talked to me. I hated feeling like he’d said something so planned.

  “Well, plenty of people carry on with normal lives while doing what I’m doing.” I knew I didn’t handle the chemo well, but I didn’t want to feel like everyone was tip-toeing around me.

  “Okay.” He kissed my cheek. “Would my lovely

  wife like to join me on a walk?”

  “How much time til’ Nathan comes home?” We had to be back before the bus dropped him off.

  “An hour.”

  “We have an hour? Alone here together?” I leaned my face close to him and slid my lips across his. I’d just thought of a nice way to spend an hour.

  He kissed me quickly, like a little peck and stood up. “An hour for a nice, lazy walk.”

  I felt rejected, dismissed. My legs wouldn’t push me from my chair.

  “You okay?” His hand touched my shoulder.

  “Yeah.” I didn’t meet his eyes as I stood up, and his hand slid off me as I walked away.

  He either didn’t understand my reaction, or he chose to ignore it. Either way, it hurt. He handed me my coat and held open the front door.

  “You know, one of the nice things about me being a student is getting to spend some time alone with you in the middle of the day, I like it.” He slid his fingers through mine as we walked down the porch steps together.

  I opened my mouth to point out that we could be doing something different with our hour, but I didn’t want to be rejected twice within a few minutes. “Me, too.”

  “We have a bit of a scheduling conflict and I’m trying to figure out how to resolve it.”

  “What’s up?”

  “The guys, John and Mark, from Seattle?”

  I nodded.

  “They want to meet with me Monday and you have your…”

  “I’m well aware of what I get to do on Monday. I don’t see how it’s a problem. You won’t be stuck at the hospital all day, you can play in Seattle instead.” I might really want Brian there with me later on. It felt like a good time for him to take a break from it.

  “I’m not stuck there, Leigh. I want to be with you, I tried to set a meeting up for the following Monday, but one of them is out of town. They don’t both live in Seattle and Mondays are their meet day…”

  I knew he wanted to go, but I also knew he felt torn. Realistically, him going now would mean good things for him later on. “That’s the easy day, Bri. The few days after that are when I’ll want you here. Besides, I have mom and Jaron and Julie and Megan… and a whole wing of the hospital dedicated to people just like me.”

  The thought of being completely alone for the day sounded nice. I wouldn’t have to worry about my game face or making anyone feel better, I could fade into my own thoughts for the day.

  “I don’t like it.” He shook his head.

  I tried to think of a way to make him know I wanted him to go and remembered Dr. Watts had said something to Brian about long-term plans. I wondered how many times I’d be glad I overheard the conversation. “The thought of going to Seattle when all this mess is over sounds great. You should go. It’s for all of us.” I pulled him closer until he slid his arm around my waist, letting go of my hand.

  He thought for a moment. “I’ll think about it, but I’m not completely thrilled with the idea.”

  “I promise I’ll be fine. Besides, the plane ride is short. You’ll be home that night, right?”

  “Yeah, just after dinner.”

  “See? You’ll be back in time to bring me home. I’d rather be with you here than at the hospital anyway. Megan, Jaron, my mom—there are a ton of people who could come sit with me if you want.”

  “Okay.” He smiled a little then. “I’m really excited to meet these guys. They know I won’t be able to live in the area until at least the end of April, but to have them seek me out feels really good.”

  “April?” I was confused. “Why April?

  “Your last scheduled treatment is the first week in April.”

  I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. April was forever away. I tried to regroup. “Right, sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” I stared at the sidewalk, slowly passing under my feet.

  “Oh! Perfect timing.”

  I looked up to see Nathan’s bus stop in front of our house. How long had we walked? How had an hour already gone by?

  “Leigh!” Nathan’s hand waved frantically. “Don’t touch me! I’m gonna do my stuff!”

  I waved back as Brian and I approached our steps.

  “I’m glad he’s so good about doing that.” Brian stroked my hair as he followed me into the house.

  “You know I think it’s a little overboard, right?” I started up our steps.

  He softly pinched my cheek. “It’s overboard right now, but it won’t be later.”

  My chest sank again, he was right. Mom made the same point last week.

  “Brian!” Stuart jogged across our front yards. “Come running with me.”

  “Just a sec, I’ll get rid of him,” Brian whispered.

  “Hey, Bri?” I took the front of his jacket in my hands. “Go run. It’ll be good for you. Nathan and I are about to start our snuggle time together.”

  “Aren’t you tired after our walk?” His eyebrows pinched together.

  “I like Leigh when she’s tired!” Nathan half-hopped, half-ran back into the porch. “She sits with me longer!”

  “See? We’ll be fine.”

  Brian needed some normal in his life. I didn’t feel like there was a lot left and we’d only been dealing with the cancer for a short while.

  He looked between Stuart’s expectant face and mine.

  “You up for it?” Stuart asked again.

  “I’ll be back out in a sec.” He put his arm around me and led me inside. He pressed his lips slowly and softly against my forehead.

  Even if things weren’t perfect, I loved the way he loved me.

  THIRTEEN

  Second of Twelve

  “It feels too weird, just leaving you here.” Brian stroked my hair and then ran his hand down my arm. He leaned over my hospital bed with the same torn look he’d had the past few days.

  “Brian, this isn’t like you. This is ridiculous. Enjoy Seattle. I’ll see you tonight. I’m tired, I’m hoping to sleep for most of the day, okay?” I leaned up enough so he’d know I wanted a kiss.

  He took my face in his hands and kissed me slowly. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

  “I know.” I laid back down and closed my eyes. “See you soon.”

  I heard Brian’s footsteps as he walked out of my room. No more brave face needed. I breathed out a sigh of relief, turned onto my side and focused on the sound of silence rather than the smell of hospital.

&n
bsp; - - -

  “Leigh.” Dr. Watts strode through my doorway. “Where’s your sidekick today?”

  “Seattle.” I rolled onto my back to see him better.

  “Really?” He stopped, a look of surprise on his face.

  “I practically forced him to go,” I said. “It’s for his dream job. I used to live there so I let him know that when this is all over, it might be fun to go back.”

  “And when does he return?” He crossed his

  arms.

  “He’ll be here to take me home tonight.” I didn’t like the tone of disapproval in Dr. Watts voice.

  “What about your mom, she’s in town now right? Or your brother? Or another friend?”

  “I kind of just wanted to be here alone today. Nathan has an inservice day so my mom is busy with him anyway.” Jaron had also asked if he could stop by, but I’d begged everyone away. “She might stop by later,” I added for his benefit.

  “No way, Leigh. You are way too early in this to start pushing people away from you.” He frowned and shook his head.

  “I just wanted to be alone.”

  “No.” He said looking at me. “They need to be around you, and you need to be around them.”

  Wouldn’t it be better if I just slipped away? If I could slip into the background?

  “Okay, Leigh? I can see that thought crossing through your head. Make it stop.” He looked at me for a minute. He sat on the edge of my bed and took a deep breath. “I want you to pretend for a moment that your worst fears come true, say you die next week. Would your family want memories of you pushing them away and being selfishly alone? Or would they want to look back at how happily you lived your last week?”

  I didn’t say anything. Of course I knew the answer.

  He smiled big at me then, almost goofy. “Either way Leigh, this is no worse than last time. The treatments are just a little more rigorous so you feel worse. Okay?”

  I nodded. But it wasn’t just that. It was my added family that made this all worse. It was the fact that I had to do this all again.

  “I feel very confident in you making a full recovery. How you feeling today?”

  “Terrible. I feel like I react worse than most.” My mouth felt like cotton, but I knew drinking some-thing would just make me throw up. My body felt shaky from the inside out.

  “I think you definitely do,” he agreed.

  “You should try it once, just for kicks.” I smiled as I rolled back onto my side.

  “Maybe I will. But today I’m needed.” He stood up. “It looks like they have you set up about as comfortably as they can. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “And call someone to come sit with you. You’re loved Leigh, it’ll make their day.”

  “Okay.” Maybe.

  “See you soon.”

  “Yeah, great.” He better have understood my sarcasm.

  - - -

  “Wow, Leigh, you have your own TV in here!” Nathan ran into my room with wide eyes. My guess was that Dr. Watts had called Mom, but it was also possible she’d just shown up.

  “Pretty fancy huh?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Can we watch SpongeBob?”

  “That is a horrible show.” Mom looked over at me. I shrugged. It wasn’t the best, but some of those episodes were hysterical.

  “Sorry, Mom.” I turned on the TV. I found SpongeBob in no time and Nathan pulled out his lunch. We spread it out on the small table next to my bed.

  “Ohh, fries.” My mouth watered at the thought of all that saltiness.

  “Leigh.” Mom frowned in disapproval. “If you’re hungry, I’ll go find you something better to eat.”

  “Relax, Mom. Please?” I tried not to laugh.

  She left my room in search of better food, not understanding I didn’t want to eat, I just wanted salt.

  “Nathan,” I whispered. “My mom is gone now, can I have some fries?” I held out my hand.

  “Sure.” He smiled and gave me the biggest fistful he could pick up.

  “Do I hear SpongeBob?” A girl about my age wheeled into my room in a chair.

  “Yeah!” Nathan took another handful of fries and stuffed it in his mouth.

  “Oh, and I smell contraband. Is that McDonald’s?” She smiled at him. She had lost her hair and her huge brown eyes took over her small face. The wheelchair dwarfed her—she looked waif or fairy like.

  “Yep. My Grandma Lila got it for me. I got extra fries for Leigh, but I didn’t tell Grandma,” he added in a whisper.

  She laughed. “I’m Andy.”

  “I’m Nathan.” He smiled at her. “This is Leigh.” Then he looked up at me. “I thought Dad was here with you?”

  “Nope, he’s in Seattle today, remember? He’ll be home tonight.”

  “Oh, yeah.” Nathan grabbed another handful of food and looked back up at the TV.

  “What are you in for?” She looked over at me.

  “Ovarian.”

  “Oh, that’s no big deal. You’ll be out of here in no time.”

  “It’s round two.”

  “Oh.” She moved her head back and forth as if it could go either way. Refreshing.

  “And you?” It seemed okay to ask.

  “Inoperable. They’re hoping the chemo will shrink it away.” She looked as if she didn’t believe it. “On my spinal cord, which explains my ride.” She rested her hands on the tops of the wheels.

  “How can you move around like that?” I touched my hands to my stomach. The thought of wheeling around brought on a whole new wave of queasiness.

  “I don’t get nauseous.” She shrugged. “I mean I don’t feel great, but I get bored and need to get out. See? They hook me up pretty well.” Her IV bag sat attached to the wheelchair.

  I couldn’t imagine being able to go through this without the nausea.

  “So, Nathan,” Andy grinned. “You’re hanging out with your mom today?”

  “Oh, she’s not my mom. My mom is in jail in Las Vegas. But Leigh’s way more fun to live with.” He giggled.

  Andy laughed hard at that. “Way to tell it like it is.” She wiped the corners of her eyes. “I’m sorry, that was great.”

  Nathan’s eyes widened, and he turned to face me, worried he’d done something wrong.

  “Hey Nathan? I don’t think that’s something you should just tell anyone, okay?” I attempted to hold back a smile.

  “Okay.” His gaze shifted back to his show.

  “So, you’re the stepmom.” She looked at me.

  “Yeah. I guess I am.”

  “No, she’s not my stepmom.” Nathan scowled at Andy. “Stepmom’s are mean. Leigh is nice. She’s always kissing my daddy, and they get to share a room.”

  I blushed at that. Poor kid, we’d have to be more careful around him.

  Andy laughed again. “Wow, am I glad I stopped in here today.” She nodded her head and smiled appreciatively.

  “Want some fries?” Nathan held the cup out for her.

  “Sure.” She took a small fingerfull.

  It felt good to have someone so honest and going through something similar to me.

  “Can I get your number?” I asked. “Maybe if either of us finds herself bored over the next two weeks we could call.”

  “Give me yours, I’m good with numbers.” She smiled, taking her last bite of fries.

  “There you are.” What must have been Andy’s husband walked into the room. His frame was slight, his face narrow, and his wispy hair fell in pieces over his face and around his glasses.

  “Hey sweetie.” Andy rested on the hand he put on her shoulder. “Didn’t mean to worry you.” She shot me a wide-eyed look of exasperation. I knew how she felt - like your independence had been stripped away. “I was visiting my new friends, this is Nathan and this is his stepmom, Leigh.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, I’m Devin.” He had the same look as Brian was starting to wear. Kind and artificially calm.

  “Nice to meet you,
Devin.”