Left to Love (The Next Door Boys)

by Jolene Perry

  “It’s a long ways off.” I breathed out slowly. I couldn’t bring myself to count the small metal steps between his black marks.

  “Not as long as it was this morning.” He pulled the bracket apart and moved it up one. “See? Now we’re working towards the halfway point.”

  It felt overwhelming to me, but seemed to help him. It gave him something to do, some sense of accomplishment. I let myself relax onto my pillow. I snuggled closer to Brian. Closer to warmth and safe-ness. This wouldn’t be so bad. We’d have some time every two weeks where we’d snuggle in together.

  Then the inkling of something unmistakable—the feeling of the poison creeping through my body. It slowly ran over me like the thin waves on a mellow beach whose tide is rising. My smiled disappeared and I felt immediately nauseous and weak. It was as if sickness slowly seeped into every pore.

  Just in time, Tory came in with my Popsicle. I didn’t remember feeling this bad this fast last time. Maybe it was all in my head.

  “Well, don’t you look cozy?” She raised an eyebrow at us lying in my bed together.

  “Sorry.” Brian started to move.

  “No, no.” She waved her hand. “The girl with the needle in her arm gets whatever she wants.”

  “Told ya.” I rested my hand on Brian’s chest.

  “I’m ready for a Zofran.”

  “Already?” she asked, her eyebrows raised.

  I nodded slightly. I didn’t want to move too much. Why did my body react so quickly and terribly? And if it was just in my head, did that make me even weaker than I already felt?

  I could feel Brian watching me carefully. I unwrapped my treat and stuck the cool dessert in my mouth. It gave me something to do more than it actually helped. Brian opened his as well, and started in. “What flavor do you have?” I needed more distraction than a popsicle.

  “Orange.”

  “Hmm. I like orange.” I kissed him. “Yummy.”

  “And what’s yours?” he asked.

  “Give it a taste.” I put my Popsicle behind me and leaned towards him for another kiss. He kissed me fully and his cool flavored mouth took some of the sting out of why we sat here together.

  “Okay, what on earth are you two doing?” Dr. Watts asked smiling as he walked into the room.

  “Mixing flavors.” I didn’t take my eyes off Brian.

  He laughed. “Well, leave it to newlyweds to make this that kind of experience.”

  I waited for him to ask me how I felt. I didn’t know if I could answer honestly with Brian in the room.

  “Nurse said you’ve asked for your Zofran?”

  I nodded.

  “That was fast. But I’m glad you did, throwing up while your stomach is still healing wouldn’t be fun.”

  “I agree.” I stuck my Popsicle back in my mouth.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked.

  I hesitated.

  “Don’t you lie to me, Leigh. Nobody in this room can help you if you’re not telling us what’s going on.”

  “Hit me pretty fast,” I admitted. Brian ran his fingers through the edge of my hair. I knew he was worried, and I couldn’t look at his face. I didn’t want to know what was there. The guilt for putting us both through this overwhelmed me. “It could just be in my head.”

  “Sorry.” Dr. Watts rested his hands on the railing of my bed. “And how you feel is how you feel. Your head’s the thing that tells you. Like I said, the next few months aren’t going to be fun.”

  “So, is the cheery pep talk the only reason you’re here?”

  He laughed. “Yep. That’s it. Don’t hesitate to call me. It would make me sad if one of my favorite patients didn’t use her doctor, okay?”

  “Thanks.”

  He walked out as Tory came in.

  “Here you go.” She handed me the tiny pill. “This is how we have it today, under the tongue, on your tongue…”

  “That’s fine.” I grabbed it from her and stuck it in my mouth. The pills were the worst. They didn’t really help with the nausea and had such a horrid bitter taste that my gag reflex kicked in immediately, but they did keep me from throwing up.

  So, the horrible nausea and need to throw up didn’t go away, but my body simply wouldn’t do it. The only time I’d taken them the first time around is when my weight got dangerously low. Today I took them for my healing stomach, and because I wanted to protect Brian in any way I could. I knew I’d probably throw up in front of him a lot over the next few months, but I couldn’t think about that. Not yet. Not until I had to.

  I laid my head back. Brian joined me and we stared at one another for a while. I looked at his face, still tanned from the summer. His brown eyes seemed to hold every color and depth of brown imaginable. He kept his hair short, but not military short like he used to. Everything about the way he looked at me filled with love and kindness. It warmed me up, but also broke my heart. He shouldn’t need to be here.

  “How would you feel about moving back to Seattle?” His voice broke the silence between us. “I mean, you grew up there. So--”

  “What?” It had never come up before, not in any serious way.

  “I was contacted by a couple of guys who do what I love to do most. Some web design work but they’ve done movie posters, album label art, big band posters and some really fantastic websites. They’re a little busier than they’d like to be for an office of two and they thought about hiring someone else on.

  “I could work remotely of course, and they don’t want me to be officially working for them until my degree is finished. They’re a really cool couple of guys. It’s a: work from wherever and we’ll try to get together once a week or so to discuss things face to face.”

  They contacted him? “Sounds like your dream job.” I couldn’t put into words how proud I felt. I knew his talent, to have someone else recognize it meant a future for him that he’d love.

  “It is,” he admitted. “But I don’t want to move you away from here while your business is doing so well, and I don’t want to move us at all if you don’t want to. It’s just something to think about. You know, for next semester.”

  “And you don’t want to move us while I’m in the middle of this mess.” I’d hit on what he didn’t want to say.

  “That too.” His lips pressed together.

  A small nagging voice in my head wondered if I’d survive the treatments for that long. I quickly stuffed that one away. Brian couldn’t get any ideas of that thought passing through my head.

  “Hey Leigh?” He touched my hair with his hand, running the strands through his fingers like he did so often. “We’re just going to keep on going like we’re going right now. And before you know it, it’ll all be over and we’ll be right back to where we were before all this started.”

  Yeah. No big deal. It would feel like a whole lifetime, this next six months. I knew what we were in for. He didn’t. Not yet.

  - - -

  Brian half-carried me from the car. The only reason I’d been able to come home is that I’d assured Dr. Watts I’d do anything he asked to sleep in my own bed. He’d reluctantly agreed.

  “How was it?” Mom asked as Brian opened the door.

  I didn’t know how to answer. No one wanted the truth. I felt worse than I’d anticipated, and I’d anticipated feeling pretty bad. I hated my wimpy body.

  “Never mind,” she said as she gave me a once over. “Can I get you anything?”

  “No thanks, Mom. I just want my own bed.”

  I closed my eyes, and Brian led me to our room, then used his arms to lower me to sitting.

  Mom came to the door with a cold washcloth. “There’s a stack of dry ones by the sink.” She passed Brian a bowl for me to throw up in.

  I hoped to get through a few more treatments before that started, but with the way I felt in that moment, I just wanted to get through the next few days.

  “Let me know if you two need anything.” I recognized that stressed voice from my mom. She’d started this roug
h. How bad would it be near the end? My chest caved at those words, ‘the end’, I didn’t want to think about any kind of endings, not with Brian, not with Nathan, not with anyone.

  Brian pulled the blankets back, helped me lift my legs, and sat on the edge of our bed. “Okay, I’m going to ask you this again, do you want me in here or—”

  “In here.” I didn’t even have to think about that one. Even after such a short time together, I couldn’t imagine not sleeping next to him. I slid down in bed and tried to pull him with me.

  “You amaze me, Leigh.” He tried to smile, but desperation was written all over his expression.

  Of course it was, he’d half carried me to the car and I’d become more and more despondent throughout the day. I’d have to work harder on my game face. “Don’t say that yet. I’ll feel worse in a day or two.” I attempted a smirk.

  - - -

  I lay in bed and listened to Mom and Nathan eat breakfast. I overheard their conversation about what he wanted in his lunch and that we’d all be waiting for him when he got home. The door closed and a short while later the bus pulled up the street.

  As much as I hated sending Nathan away on the bus, I loved being the first part of his day. It had already been taken from me. I felt a lump in my throat over things I’d already missed. Just simple daily things, but all those small and simple things added up to the most important stuff there was. Families, relationships, support… I couldn’t support anyone, not when I felt afraid to get out of bed.

  Brian slowly opened the doors of our dark room, and kneeled down.

  “Help me up slowly?” I asked. “I think I’m okay, but I’d rather take it slow than throw up all over our bed.”

  “Sheets can be washed.” He smiled.

  “You’re doing way too good, Brian.” There was no way he could really be as okay with all of this as he seemed.

  “Keep me busy, help me know you want me around, need me around, and I’ll be fine.”

  “I do need you around.” I held out both hands for him to take. The slower I started out, the more likely I’d feel better than expected after my strong reaction the day before.

  His hands took mine first and then his body came in close for me to lean on. We slowly moved to standing together.

  “How’s that?”

  “I think I’m all right… today.” I let myself smile up at him.

  He brushed the hair off my forehead and pressed our lips together. “So, you think you’ll feel worse, in a few days?”

  “It depends. Usually I feel a little terrible on the day of and a day or two after and then really terrible for a day, maybe two, and then I feel slowly, continually better until I go in again.” I tried to see some reaction from him but he stood close, completely unreadable. “It was the first time in, so maybe it won’t get worse. I don’t think most people would feel this bad, this fast.”

  “Okay.” He put his arm around me. “I have some work to do today and class this afternoon. Your mom is here for when Nathan comes home, and I thought maybe we’d share breakfast on the couch?”

  “Right after I pee.” I walked out of our room on my own so he’d know I was doing okay. I didn’t feel too horrible, a little like the first day out of bed after the flu. I’d felt worse. Way worse. We were headed there next.

  TWELVE

  Mom spent the day scrubbing every inch of our very clean house. I spent the day doing as little as possible so I could feel as good as possible for my boys when they returned.

  I heard the bus down the street, and Mom immediately stepped outside. A few moments later, the door opened to Nathan’s smiling face.

  “Hey there! Come give me a hug!” I reached toward him.

  “Nope.” He shook his head. “Auntie Megan gave me stuff to do before you get a hug.”

  “Is that so?” I asked. We were all thankful of Jaron’s wife’s nursing job. It came in handy often. I guessed that’s where the “stuff to do” came from.

  “Yep.” He nodded. “First I take my backpack off outside.” He pointed to the door. “And then without touching any door handles I go to my room, take off my clothes and put them in the hamper.” His mouth pulled into a tight line. “You are not allowed to wash my clothes. Kids at school have really bad germs.”

  I had to smile. He took his new job very seriously. I thought it was all a bit overboard, but I should have predicted this kind of behavior, given Brian, my mom and Megan.

  “And what comes next?”

  He thought for a moment, his finger on his chin. “I wash my hands! And my face!” He remembered. “And then I go find new clothes.”

  “Well, it sounds like you know just what you’re doing.”

  He took off toward his room.

  “Everyone’s just trying to keep you well,” Mom said from the kitchen.

  I felt determined to not be as difficult as I had been last time. “I know. It just seems like a little much.”

  “Well, let’s think about how weak you’ll be near the end of the process. If his schedule can start now and doesn’t have to change, that’s a good thing for Nathan.”

  I hadn’t thought of it from his perspective. I didn’t even want to think about that point in time. I hadn’t been able to stand my reflection—my skin had looked almost grey, I’d lost all my hair. I brought my hand to my mouth, how soon would I lose my hair? The hair that Brian ran his fingers through? The brown hair that I’d grown to love? What would he think? What could he think?

  “I’m back and all clean and I want my hug and a snack and a show!” Nathan came running into the room.

  “Aren’t we forgetting something?” I asked, relieved for the distraction from my train of thought.

  “Please!” He threw his arms around my neck and climbed onto the couch.

  “Let’s get some stuff together to send to your mom first, okay?”

  He let out an exasperated sigh.

  “It’s important Nathan. She misses you.” The truth was that I didn’t know if she missed him or not, but there’s no good way to say that to a five-year old. It made me feel like I was doing a good thing, and it seemed good for Nathan, too.

  Even if she didn’t want him, him feeling like she did was a good thing.

  “Okay.” He looked as if he was being dragged off the couch. He pulled out one of the envelopes we had set out and drew a picture. Mom went to his backpack on the porch and got out a few bits of schoolwork to add to Nathan’s drawing.

  “It’s good that you do this.” Mom looked over the back of the couch at me.

  “Well, if I was in her position, I’d want it too.” I also wanted her to trust us. I desperately wanted Nathan as my eternal family, but it still felt like he should have his mom. The two thoughts conflicted to the point that I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel completely okay about officially adopting him.

  Nathan stuffed his drawing in the envelope and ran outside to put it in the mailbox. He had the process down.

  He climbed right back to his spot on the couch. We snuggled together like we always did in the afternoons. I’d get to keep this. I breathed in deeply, grateful for the small things that didn’t have to change.

  - - -

  “Are you aware of the routine?” I asked Brian as he came in the door. Nathan still comfortably snuggled against me on the couch.

  Brian’s brow came together in confusion.

  “For Nathan, from Megan?” I prompted.

  He smiled. “Oh yeah, how’d he do?”

  “Brillliantly.” I leaned my head on the back of the couch to see him better.

  “Good job little man.” Brian rubbed his son’s head.

  Nathan didn’t move. Phineas and Ferb were in a tight spot.

  “So, shouldn’t you be doing the same thing?” I pointed from his head to his feet.

  Brian paused, unsure of what I asked.

  “I think you should strip down and put on fresh clothes.” I pulled my lips into my mouth to keep from smiling.

  Mom tried t
o ignore us from the kitchen where she worked on dinner. I knew she tried not to pay attention, because she’d stopped stealing glances at me into the living room. I watched Brian walk into the bathroom, and heard him wash his hands. He appeared back in the hallway.

  I looked at him expectantly, and then pointed with authority. He looked up for a moment as if deciding something. Mom was in the kitchen, she couldn’t see. Nathan’s full attention was on the TV. Brian quickly pulled his shirt over his head and stood in front of our bedroom door for not nearly long enough before heading inside. I sat there really wishing I felt good enough to follow him.