Snared (Jaded Regret #1)

by L. L. Collins

  They linked arms and Johnny and Tanner followed the two of them to the makeshift stage area.

  “Hey, guys,” Bex’s sultry voice came over the speakers. Everyone stopped and turned, some letting out excited squeals. “Thanks for coming to see us tonight. We wouldn’t be anywhere without our fans. Tonight we’re performing a brand new song for you. What do you think about that? It’s never been played for anyone.”

  The screams turned deafening at Bex’s announcement. Johnny let out a quick riff and Beau did a buh-dun-dun on the drums. “This song was written by my brother from another mother, Beau, and myself. It’s called ‘You Can’t Hurt Me Anymore.’ We’ve all been hurt one way or another in life, am I right?” More screaming ensued. “This song is to all of you. Don’t let anyone keep hurting you.”

  Bex began to sing, accompanied by the men who made up Jaded Regret. Her words made chills break out on my body again, but it was Beau who had caught my attention. His eyes were closed as he played, his face changing expression as the words were belted from Bex’s lips. The lyrics hit me straight in the heart; lines about the pain of being betrayed, being hurt over and over again and coming back for more. When she hit the chorus, her voice raised in defiance as she screamed, “You can’t hurt me anymore because I’m dead inside,” I fought against my tears. It wasn’t until the end of the song when she changed the reprise that I felt like I could breathe again. “You can’t hurt me anymore because I won’t let you have that control, that part of who I am is over. You can’t hurt me anymore . . .”

  The crowd went absolute apeshit when Beau ended the powerful song with a new drum solo. Bex, Johnny, and Tanner riled up the crowd as he pounded the drums, shaking his head back and forth as he went to town. I knew nothing about playing, but from what I knew of my favorite artists, this man could play a set of drums.

  When he finished, he stood and came out from behind the drum kit. He chucked his drumsticks into the crowd. A mid-twenties girl in the audience grabbed them and screamed, holding them to her body like she’d just been given a million dollars. I know the feeling. I smiled as she swooned and screamed out, “I have a piece of Beau Anderson, everyone! I love you, Beau!”

  He ducked his head, and I saw a hint of that little smile. Bex, Johnny, and Tanner waved to the crowd and did a quick bow, handing their equipment back to the roadies so they could break down the set.

  “Thank you, everyone. It was a great night. Be sure to check out Jaded Regret’s new tour when the dates are posted next week!” Bex shouted, eliciting another round of screaming.

  The band’s security ushered them from the room, and I hurried to follow them, knowing the guys I’d hired would take care of the rest. I had to talk to Beau.

  “Let’s keep in touch,” Natalie said. “Give me your number and I’ll text you mine.”

  I smiled, taking out my phone and rattling off my number. Once she texted me back, I entered her information. “I’m sad you guys are leaving already.”

  “I know. It’s been a hectic few days, though, and right now we only make short trips with Bex’s family. We will head out on tour in a few months, though. I believe one of our stops is Orlando. I’ll get you backstage passes, and you can hang with us.”

  My stomach flip-flopped. I had to attend that concert, if for no other reason than to see Beau do what he did best again. “That’s amazing, Natalie. Thank you. What will Bex do with her kids during the tour?” I glanced across the deck and found Johnny holding a sleeping infant boy while Bex sat with a little girl, blowing bubbles into the night sky. Beau sat next to Bex, making the little girl laugh by trying to grab her bubbles. Tanner was flirting with Camryn. Shocking.

  “We’ll have two buses this time when we go out, plus the truck our roadies drive with a trailer to haul our equipment. Last time, before Bex was a mom of two, we all crammed on one bus. It was quite cozy. This time, she and her family will have their own to try and keep things as normal as possible for the kids. Well, as normal as they can be with rock stars as parents. She has a full-time nanny who will travel with them, but Bex will only use her when necessary. She hates the thought of anyone else raising her kids. Their bus is being customized right now. It’s epic, too. A two bedroom that’s better than my house.”

  My eyes slid back over to Bex. “They look good on her.”

  Natalie followed my gaze. “They do. They’re the best things to have happened to all of us. Watch Beau. I never see him like that, only when he’s with her kids. They make him young again, carefree.”

  We watched him for a moment in silence. The little girl giggled, throwing herself into his lap. He wrapped his big arms around her slight frame, rubbing his beard on her neck. She squealed and screamed, her laughter making me all warm and fuzzy inside.

  “He’d be a great dad,” I said.

  Natalie sighed. “He would, but he won’t.”

  “What do you mean, he won’t? Won’t what?”

  “Nothing. Forget it. He’s just not ready to be in that place in life yet.” She grabbed my arm. “Come on. Let’s hang with them.” She dragged me closer to the band.

  We were on the rooftop deck again, this time, it was only the band, Natalie, Camryn, and me. Bella and Jeremy had gone home after the meet and greet. The door was guarded by Jaded Regret security, which seemed necessary after several groupies tried to come up. I couldn’t imagine living this life. It had to be so hard to have no privacy.

  Beau’s eyes lifted and met mine as we approached. The little girl scrambled off his lap and launched herself at Natalie. “Auntie Nat!” She was a gorgeous little girl with dark brown curls and large green eyes. Natalie picked her up and hugged her tight.

  “Were you a good little girl while Mommy and Daddy were playing at the concert?”

  She nodded. “Miss Lara said I could have cake for being such a good girl. Jaden was good, too. He only cried a little. Auntie Nat, who’s that?”

  Natalie turned to face me. “Lennox, this is Miss April. April, this is Lennox Gibbons.”

  “Age three,” she said with the maturity of a much older child. “My mommy is Bexley Bryant-Gibbons, and my daddy is Johnny Gibbons. They are the stars of Jaded Regret, and they are kinda famous, but to me, they’re just Mom and Dad.”

  Natalie and I both laughed. “Well, thank you, Miss Lennox. It’s very nice to meet you.”

  Lennox turned and pointed. “See him? That’s my baby brother Jaden. I have to teach him everything. I help Miss Lara take care of him when Mommy and Daddy are working. Do you know Jaden is named after Jaded Regret, and I’m named after a famous musician?” Her little voice sounding so grown up made me stifle my laughter. I somehow thought she wouldn’t find it funny for me to laugh at her seriousness. Three years old going on forty.

  “I just met them yesterday,” I said. “But I love their music. And that’s very cool about your names. I love them.”

  “They did this concert to help sick kids,” she continued. “Right Uncle Bobo?” Beau appeared next to Natalie, having gotten off the ground where he’d been playing with Lennox before. Uncle Bobo? That was cute.

  “Sure did, peanut.”

  “I have to run down and settle a few things with the hotel,” Natalie said. “I’ll meet you in the room, Beau.”

  He nodded to Natalie, avoiding my gaze.

  “Bye, Auntie Nat! Love you!”

  Natalie turned around and blew Lennox a kiss before disappearing through the door.

  “Lennox!” Bex called for her daughter. “We’re heading in. It’s way past someone’s bedtime.” She ruffled Lennox’s hair.

  Lennox sighed. “I just met a new friend, Mommy! This is April! She’s so pretty! Don’t you think so, Uncle Bobo?”

  Bex examined me. “Yes, she is pretty, Lennox. Now let’s go. Say goodbye.”

  Beau didn’t respond, and I couldn’t make my eyes meet his. I didn’t want to see whatever was written on his face. “Bye, Lennox. It was nice to meet you.”

  “Keep my uncle comp
any, okay, April? He gets lonely without me.” Bex grabbed her hand and pulled her away, flanked by Johnny.

  I laughed nervously when the door shut behind them. I turned to see where Camryn was, only to see they were gone. When had they disappeared?

  “Seems like everyone left us,” Beau said. “Including security.”

  “D-do we need security?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. Are you a stalker?”

  I sputtered. Was I a what? Is that what he thought? “I . . .”

  “I’m kidding.” And then he laughed. Was I in an alternate universe? Who was this guy standing alone with me on the rooftop deck, this time teasing me?

  “Oh.” I laughed, wringing my hands in my lap.

  “Today went well, thanks to you.”

  My throat was so dry; I wasn’t sure I could swallow much less respond. “I would say it was because of you guys, not me.”

  Beau reached his hand out, and I swore I stopped breathing. He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. Seeming to realize what he’d just done, he took a step backward and ran a hand through his beard, stopping to turn the hoop in his nose.

  “Tell me something about you.” He may not answer me, but I couldn’t stop myself from asking.

  Beau

  WHAT THE HELL was I still doing on this deck with her? She unnerved me. Seeing her with Lennox, then listening to that baby girl tell her I was lonely had loosened something in me. I didn’t like it, and I needed to back the hell up.

  She wanted to know something about me? Why was that, so she could sell it to some tabloid? Even as I thought it, I knew it wasn’t the truth; April wasn’t a groupie. She wasn’t trying to score a rocker so she could tell the world. She was real. And that scared me shitless.

  I’d touched her. My hand had reached out and put her hair behind her ear before I could register what I’d been doing. I’d liked it, too. Her hair was soft.

  “What do you want to know?”

  Her eyes widened. What was she surprised about? That I’d responded to her, or that I was talking to her? Shit, I surprised myself.

  “Um . . . well, I don’t know. Something you don’t mind sharing.” She was nervous, wringing her hands and moving her feet in place.

  “Do you want to sit?” I indicated the couch where I’d seen her here last night. She nodded, and we both settled next to each other. Her knee touched my leg, and I jerked in response. I remembered how hard I’d been while thinking of her earlier when I’d taken matters into my own hands.

  You don’t deserve to be alive. I shook my head. No. Not now. You should’ve died with him. The world would be a better place without you.

  “Beau? Are you okay?”

  Just fucking fantastic. Now I seemed like a weirdo in front of her.

  I forced my eyes to hers. “Yep. Just fine. Okay, so something I’d want to tell you about me. Well . . . I’m a rather dull guy.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think that’s true.”

  Oh, but it was. I kept a predictable routine for a reason. It kept things in order.

  “I thought of a question. I’ve noticed you kind of zone out and tap your fingers in rhythm on your legs. Is that because you are thinking of new music, or just playing?”

  She was very perceptive. And this was a question I didn’t mind answering. “I almost always have music running through my head. New music, old music, whatever it is. A lot of times I have drumsticks in my back pocket and will just bang out a set on my leg when I’m bored.”

  April nodded, and I smelled whatever scent she wore. It was fucking intoxicating. My fingers twitched, wanting to bury themselves in her hair and crush her lips to mine. I wanted to taste her, and that was the most terrifying thing I’d thought about in a long damn time.

  “I’m going to ask you something, but don’t answer it if you don’t want to.”

  My gut clenched. That meant whatever it was, she worried it would be too personal. Which meant I wouldn’t want to answer it at all.

  “I notice you don’t pay much attention to the women who flock to you. Why is that?”

  So many answers to her question, but I wasn’t sure if there were any I wanted to respond with. When I stayed quiet just a beat too long, April waved her hand.

  “Never mind. I should leave you alone. You don’t know me. I’m sorry, Beau. I just—you interest me.”

  She stood like she was about to leave. I didn’t want her to do that. “I’m not interested in meaningless hookups,” I answered.

  April stopped and turned her body back toward me. She nodded. “That has to be hard, though. It’s always offered and flaunted in front of you.”

  I patted the seat, and she sat back down. This was . . . nice. I hadn’t talked to a female like this in years. “Not really. It just doesn’t interest me at all.”

  “Can I tell you something without you thinking I’m a weirdo?”

  I was rather sure there was nothing she could say that would make me believe that. “Shoot.”

  “I told my friends I wanted to hook up with you.” She blushed so red I could see it in the darkness. She couldn’t have shocked me more if she had stripped naked next to me. April didn’t seem the type.

  “Uh . . . really? Wow. I’m flattered.” And terrified. And turned on.

  April laughed. “Just so you know, I don’t do that. So my friends laughed at me and told me I’d never go through with it. But then I met you.”

  And she realized hooking up with me would be a mistake of epic proportions. I’m nothing that she would want. She recognized that immediately upon meeting me. She’s way out of my league. I don’t even have a league unless it’s one for freaks. I turned my face from her so she couldn’t see the self-loathing written all over my face.

  “Hey, Beau.” Her voice was soft and soothing.

  I forced the mask of indifference over my face before turning back to her.

  “I realized not only am I not that type of girl and never will be, but you aren’t that kind of guy, either. You deserve way better than some chick hanging on you acting like a groupie just because you’re Beau Anderson. What would then distinguish me from all the other women who throw themselves at you?” Concern etched her features. She regarded me the way Natalie did sometimes, and it unnerved me. Did she see through me?

  Before I could fully register her words just may be the nicest thing I’d ever heard in my life, she lifted her hand and put it on the side of my face. I was so frozen I didn’t have the ability to pull away from her touch. “I don’t know you and you don’t know me. But I like you.”

  She . . . liked me? Why the hell would she like me? She knew next to nothing about me at all, and she was a beautiful woman who could get any guy she wanted. When I didn’t respond, her eyes landed on my lips. Small puffs of air blew out of her mouth. April Knight wanted to kiss me.

  My lips hadn’t touched anyone’s in so long, I’d forgotten what the sensation was like. Robyn’s face filled the spot where April’s had been, and I remembered the way she’d felt against me when I’d kissed her goodbye.

  No one wants you. I don’t want you. You’re a waste of space. I backed up, making April’s hand fall from my face. The spell had been broken; there was no way in hell I could let her close to me. I was poison.

  “There’s nothing about me to like,” I said. “You’re beautiful . . . successful . . . and I’m . . .” Words failed me. I shook my head. “I’m nothing.”

  April stepped forward but didn’t touch me. “Beau.” I loved my name falling off her lips. It was like the most beautiful melody of letters put together. “Don’t say that about yourself. You aren’t nothing.”

  Shit. I’d said too much. She now knew just what I thought. Her presence held the ability to make me lose my composure, and I needed to get out of here before it became worse. Before I said something worse. “I need to go, April. It was nice to meet you. Thanks again.”

  She placed her hand on my arm. “Please, Beau.” I didn’t turn around. I
couldn’t. Nothing could ever happen between us. I would take her down into the black hole with me. I strode purposefully off of the deck and down to my room. She didn’t follow me.

  I turned the channel on the television, not caring what was on the screen. We’d been home for a week and had been doing nothing but killing ourselves with rehearsals. We’d found out we were flying to New York next week to promote the release of our tour dates and stops with our label. After we returned, we’d have a few weeks of constant practice before we’d leave home to tour.

  It was probably a good thing we’d been working so hard over the last week, because my head hadn’t been right since I walked away from April my last night in Orlando. I knew Natalie had been texting with her because she’d been telling me things about her. That was a further reminder of what I’d walked away from every time I heard her name.

  If I wasn’t practicing, I was in my room. I hadn’t gotten got out of bed much, and I knew Natalie was worried about me. I couldn’t make myself get up and eat or do anything. She’d taken to almost force feeding me in my room and sitting on my bed, trying to keep me off the ledge.

  That was how I’d ended up with another therapy appointment today. Natalie had her on fucking speed dial. This time, she’d gotten Bex involved. When the two of them started, I didn’t stand a chance.

  “You ready?” Natalie appeared in my doorway, her purse on her shoulder.

  “You aren’t taking me. I’m a big boy, Nat. I can drive myself.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Don’t start with me, Beau. I’m taking you.”

  I often wondered how my sister ended up so beautiful on the inside and out, seemingly unscathed by our genetics. But then again, I was happy she didn’t have to deal with the things I did. If someone had to take the brunt of it, I was glad it was me. At least she could still have a purpose in life. Even if she refused to find it. It was my goal to get her free of me so she could be her own person.

  I swung my legs over the side of the bed and groaned. “I’m fine, Nat.”

  “You are not, Beau. You know it and so do I. So does everyone. You’ve hardly said two words this entire week. I don’t know what the hell happened, but this isn’t a way to live.” Her voice cracked. I hated it when she cried. It tore what was left of my soul to shreds.