Snared (Jaded Regret #1)

by L. L. Collins

  “Nat.” I pulled her into a tight hug. “It’s okay.”

  “I can’t lose you.” She cried into my chest, and I stroked her back. “Please.”

  This world would be a better place if no more of that psycho’s blood were running through anyone.

  “No one is losing anyone,” I whispered into her hair, though I couldn’t help but think she’d be better off without me, even if she didn’t agree.

  “So your meds are not controlling your depression,” my therapist, Dr. Mia, said.

  “I’m fine.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me. All the women in my life had perfected that skill. “Beau. I can’t help you if you aren’t real with me. Tell me what’s going on.”

  “I can’t stop the fucking voices from telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit. There, now are you happy?”

  She pursed her lips. “That’s much better. Not only are we getting somewhere, but I’m getting some emotion out of you. So, you’re hearing voices.”

  “The same fucking voice.”

  “Your mother’s.”

  I didn’t need to give her an answer; she already knew. “And having fucking insane dreams, so I can’t sleep.”

  “Dreams of what?”

  “Visions of my dad, then he morphs into my mom. Then I’m standing on a bridge, peering down at the water below, and my mom is standing behind me, ready to push.”

  Her eyes widened. “This is new. Do you want to end your life?”

  “My life is worthless.”

  “Why do you think that, Beau? That couldn’t be further from the truth.”

  “So I can play drums. Big fucking deal.”

  “Do you think your sister thinks that’s all that defines you?”

  “My sister has to love me. She’s my sister.”

  “I think you and I both know she doesn’t have to love you, Beau.”

  Way to remind me that my family was a bunch of fuck-ups who hated me. “Thanks, Dr. Mia.”

  “I don’t mean it the way you’re taking it. Love is a choice. Natalie loves you. Bex loves you. You have a purpose in life.”

  “They could find another drummer just as talented as me.”

  “Beau.” She steepled her fingers and stared at me. “Are you thinking about committing suicide?”

  I tapped my fingers on my legs in a rapid rhythm. “Not really.”

  “Not really? You’re going to have to give me a little more than that.”

  I sighed, tapping harder on my legs. “I’ve thought about it, but I don’t want to be a chicken shit like my dad. I love being a drummer and it’s the only thing keeping my head straight. I’ve just been thinking a lot about my life and where it’s going.”

  She nodded, satisfied because I hardly ever said that many sentences to her in our entire session. “Where do you want it to go, Beau?”

  “I don’t know. I want to be happy.”

  “And you aren’t.” It wasn’t a question.

  “I thought I was.”

  “What does that mean?”

  How did I describe a stranger sending me into a tailspin and making me wondering why the hell I was on this earth? “I don’t think I know what ‘happy’ means. When I’m playing, I’m free. The second I stop, my head is all full again. The only thing that defines me is being a drummer.”

  “And a brother.”

  “Natalie needs a life outside of me. She’s given up her whole life for me.”

  “Do you think she sees it that way?”

  “She never puts her needs first. What thirty-year-old woman still wants to be taking care of her fuck-up of a brother because he’s so mental he can’t live alone?”

  “It’s not that you can’t live alone, Beau. It’s that Natalie doesn’t want you to be alone. Do you see the difference?”

  “She has no life outside Jaded Regret and me. I know she has issues, too, but I have no idea what they are because she would never burden me with them. She lives in a constant state of fear that I’m not okay. What kind of life is that for her?”

  “You’re going to have to be okay with Natalie’s decision to be there for you. It’s her choice, and you can’t do anything about it. What you can control is what is going on with you, though. So let’s focus on that. Can you think of any reason your mental state might have changed? I can up your dosage, but I want to make sure it’s really what you need.”

  April’s face filled my mind. What had changed my mental state? I had her angelic face seared into my brain, but I knew that there wasn’t any fucking way on Earth I deserved even to look at her, much less do anything else with her. I found myself wanting something beyond what I’d been accustomed to, and it was fucking me up. I knew what my limitations were, but my brain wouldn’t listen.

  “Where did you go?” Her voice snapped my attention back to her. “You know what happened, don’t you Beau?”

  I didn’t want to speak April’s name out loud. If I said it, it would make her part of the disease that was me.

  “No, I have no idea. Just give me more meds.” If she knew I was lying, she didn’t let on.

  Maybe if I took enough of the meds, it would stop me from thinking at all, and I could forget I’d ever laid eyes on April Knight.

  Beau

  “BRO.” MY MATTRESS dipped next to me on my bed as someone sat down. I groaned and rolled over. What the hell time was it, and who was waking me up? “Beau.”

  I cracked my eye open. It was our only motherfucking day off from the last few weeks, and Johnny was sitting on my bed. “What the hell do you want?”

  “Get up, sunshine.”

  “Why?”

  “We’re going to Orlando.”

  My stomach free fell into my feet. “For what?”

  “Beats is closing,” Johnny said. Beats? My fuzzy brain refused to register his words because I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of seeing April. But Orlando was a huge place, and the likelihood of seeing her was next to nothing. Not to mention, I didn’t need to see her, anyway.

  Our trip to New York had been fantastic and productive. I’d forced myself to be a little more social to stay off Natalie’s radar. The new dosage of my meds had helped keep my head in a better place, though I’d planned on staying in bed today to wallow in my own self-misery before the stressful last rehearsals prior to going out on tour. We’d gone on national television and announced our Regretful Tour. It had taken less than one hour for our entire schedule to be sold out. I swore I was still pinching myself that this was my life. We weren’t doing nearly as many stops as we might’ve in the past, only fifteen concerts across a month’s time. It would be jam packed but also get us back home sooner, which had been Bex’s compromise.

  I’d loved the city and wanted to go back someday. The crazy, busy vibe that pulsed through Manhattan was something I could identify with.

  “Beau.” Johnny opened my blackout curtains, and I fought the urge to punch him. Why couldn’t they just leave me alone?

  “Beats?” Oh, Beats. That was our favorite music store we’d come across on one of our tour stops when the owner had been backstage and asked us to come by. He’d given us some epic instruments and equipment for next to nothing so we’d help promote his business. “Did you say they’re closing?”

  Johnny nodded, throwing a pair of jeans at me. “Yes. He never told us his business was in trouble, but we’re going to help him.”

  “Help him how?”

  “Buy shit,” Johnny said. “Whatever he needs.”

  “Everyone is going?”

  Johnny shook his head. “No. Just you and me.”

  “Why the fuck do I have to go? I was sleeping!”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. He spent too much time with his wife. “Because he’s done a lot for us, you fuckhead. And I don’t know where Tanner is or whose bed he’s waking up in, and Bex is with the kids and doesn’t want to leave them. Now come on. I’ll get you some damn breakfast on the way.”

  I grabbed a Henley
and my boots and followed Johnny out, stopping only to use the bathroom and brush my teeth.

  “Linc, man, how the fuck are ya?” Johnny fist bumped, half hugged Lincoln, the tatted up, pierced owner of Beats. He’d been an aspiring rock star in his earlier days, but had instead turned to teaching others about music. He’d been an important part of the music industry in Florida for as long as I’d been alive.

  I fist bumped him, both of us nodding in silence at each other. He got me. I inspected the huge yellow signs that screamed “STORE CLOSING.”

  “What the hell happened, man? Bex just told me this morning that she found out you were closing, and we busted ass up here. Why didn’t you call us? You know my wife. She was upset you didn’t call her.”

  Linc frowned. “Call you and say what? That business is slow, and I’m losing my ass? I’m okay, Johnny. Been here thirty years, but with the Internet, people buy shit all over now. Small local shops can’t compete anymore.”

  “You’ve been the greatest supporter of Jaded Regret and other bands like us,” Johnny said. “We could’ve helped you.”

  He waved his hand, dismissing him. “Nah. I’m good. Going to retire and see what kind of shit I can get into.”

  “Wanna play?” Johnny indicated the setup behind Linc.

  “Do I want to rock with Jaded Regret? Well, part of Jaded Regret? Hell yeah!”

  I settled behind the drum set on display, a little off my game since it wasn’t the setup I was used to. But hey, I could roll with it, right? We banged and rocked as we played classic rock songs. Linc was happy when we played a few Jaded Regret songs with him. He was impressive and knew our stuff.

  After what seemed like minutes, but had been over an hour, Johnny rested the guitar back on the stand where it had been. I followed him, putting the drumsticks back where I’d picked them up.

  “I wish you well,” Johnny said, shaking Linc’s hand again. “It’s a shame you can’t keep this place open. But if you’re sure you’re ready to let it go, Jaded Regret would like to purchase the rest of your stock.”

  Linc stood completely still for a moment before registering what Johnny had said. “Excuse me?” I was shocked, too, and couldn’t imagine how Linc must’ve felt.

  Johnny nodded. “It came from the boss lady herself. She wants to start a hangout for the foster kids in our area where they can come play. She wants to have lessons taught by us when we’re there and manned by employees when we aren’t. She wants to give them a place to go to keep them from getting into trouble on the streets.”

  “Johnny . . .”

  He held up his hands. “She’s been talking about this for a while, way before she knew anything about your shop closing. It helps both of us, Linc. We will arrange for a company to pack it all up and bring it down to us.”

  Linc shook his head. “But, Johnny . . .”

  “Do you want to talk to Bex? You know how she gets when questioned.” Johnny took out his phone and pulled up Bex’s name, hovering his finger over the button to call her.

  They laughed. Wasn’t that the damn truth. I allowed a small smile, but laughter was hard pressed with me. “No,” Linc said, “I don’t want to cross that woman. The hottest thing in rock music but scary as hell.”

  “She’s not as scary now,” I said. “Being a mom has changed her. Mostly. Well, okay, she can still be a stubborn bitch, but that’s why we love her.”

  “I love that woman more than life itself, and even I don’t want to cross her,” Johnny said.

  They laughed again, lightening the mood. “Are you sure?” Linc gazed around the store. While a lot had been purchased, there was still quite a bit still to go. Pride filled my heart. That was my sister, all right. Bex, the ball buster who would give you the shirt off her back. We knew what it was like to go without and now all she wanted to do was help others.

  “Beyond sure,” Johnny said. “You give us a total, and we’ll have Natalie wire you the money.” He took an envelope out of his back pocket. “Oh, Bex wanted you to have these, too.”

  Linc took the envelope like it was a snake that might come out and bite him. When he opened it and saw they were VIP tickets to our Orlando concert, tears filled the big rocker’s eyes. “Get that bitch on the phone,” he said, wiping his eyes. “I have a bone to pick with her.”

  “I’m fucking proud to be part of this band,” I said, setting my sweet tea down next to my sandwich and chips. Johnny and I had stopped for lunch before heading back home. We were both wearing hats low over our eyes, and so far, we hadn’t been spotted. Johnny had left Heath with Bex, so we were on our own.

  “You and Bex were the beginning of this band,” Johnny said, pausing to chew. “If it weren’t for the two of you, there would be no Jaded Regret.”

  “I don’t think of shit like that,” I said. “She just bought hundreds of thousands of dollars of instruments to not only help Linc, but to help all these kids as well.”

  Johnny nodded. “Yes, she did.”

  Silence stretched over us for a few minutes as we ate, both of us lost in our thoughts. Bex had not only created a safe place for kids who had aged out of the system to learn how to be adults, but now she was going to give teens a place to escape life in a healthy way and mentor them, too.

  What would’ve happened had we had someone like her in our corner when we were impressionable teenagers? Thankfully, we’d turned to each other and played music instead of what we could’ve turned to, but still.

  I remembered the day I first laid eyes on Bexley Bryant like it was yesterday.

  Natalie and I sat outside, anything to escape being inside the house. We’d only been here a few weeks. We had no idea how many houses we’d been in over the last four years, but we knew this one would be the last one we’d stay in. We already had plans to get the hell out of here. Natalie was about to age out soon, and there wasn’t any way in hell I’d stay in there without her. It’s not like anyone would care if I disappeared out of the system. That would just be one less kid they had to keep track of, and I didn’t want to be tracked anymore. I wanted to be free of hoping I’d have a family again. I had Natalie. She was all I needed.

  We’d almost been adopted once. Until the prospective parents read my file and our family history. They’d gone as far as meeting us and taking us for ice cream. We never saw them again. I’d like to say I was surprised, but I wasn’t.

  As we sat there in silence, a nondescript car we knew belonged to one of the social workers pulled up to the curb. She stepped out, her frizzy hair reaching us before she did. We squinted up into the sun, watching as the back door opened and a teenage girl stepped out. My first impression was she was gorgeous, but looked like the most pissed off person I’d ever seen. Her dark hair covered half her face and her dark clothing hid her body.

  I immediately connected with her. I didn’t know her name, what her story was, or how long she would be here. She walked up the steps and stopped next to us, silently regarding us. Natalie smiled, but I didn’t. The girl, who I’d later learn was Bex, rolled her eyes at Natalie and nodded her head at me.

  “Hey,” was all she said, and I knew this girl would be part of my life forever. Our broken souls connected that day in a way only long lost family could. While some of the guys—okay, all of them—in the foster home drooled over Bex and wanted to get her into their bed, I never saw her that way.

  I didn’t even want to think about what had happened the day I found out who had hurt her.

  To this day, I would kill anyone who tried to hurt either of my sisters. It had taken me a long time to be okay with Johnny being in Bex’s life. To be honest, it wasn’t until I saw her holding Lennox that I felt like maybe he wouldn’t take her heart and put it in a blender.

  “Beau.” Johnny’s voice broke my daydream.

  I realized I hadn’t taken another bite of my lunch and probably appeared to be a freak sitting here staring into space. “Sorry. Wow. Don’t know where my head went.”

  “Don’t think I ha
ven’t noticed you’ve been fucked up lately,” Johnny said. “Bex is worried as fuck about you. I just know you don’t like people in your business, so I’ve been staying back. Just know, you’re my brother, man. I’m here anytime you need something.”

  My chest tightened. No one will ever love you because you are unlovable. I exhaled, forcing my hands to pick up my sandwich without shaking.

  “You know we’re all a little fucked up,” Johnny continued, used to my silence. “I know we don’t sit down and have heart-to-hearts and shit, but you know a lot about my past. It’s only because of Bex my chest doesn’t tighten up, and I don’t scream in my sleep anymore. You know this, right?”

  I nodded. “Thanks, Johnny. I’ve been doing better. Some days are just hard.”

  “I don’t need you to tell me everything. I just want you to know you aren’t alone.”

  “Beau? Johnny?” I snapped my head up and met the eyes I’d both wished for and dreaded seeing again. Of all the places for her to be today during her lunchtime, it just had to be here.

  Johnny beat me to it. “April? Wow. How crazy to run into you here?”

  She might’ve said something to him, but I honestly had no idea. “What are you doing here?” Her hypnotizing gaze settled directly on me.

  “We went to Beats, the music store that’s closing.” Johnny again took up the slack for me. I hadn’t said a word. I wasn’t even sure I was breathing. My sandwich was stuck in my esophagus and left me unable to speak a word.

  “Oh yeah! I heard about that. You came all the way here for that?”

  “He’s a friend of ours.” Johnny finally glanced over at me, giving me the “what the hell” look before sliding out of the booth. “Excuse me, April.” He eyed me. “Beau, I’m going to the restroom. You ready to leave when I get back?”

  I nodded, my eyes still connected to April’s. Johnny walked away, and April slid into his spot. “It’s great to see you,” April murmured, twisting a straw wrapper with her fingers. “I wasn’t sure if I’d see you again before your concert here.”