Snared (Jaded Regret #1)

by L. L. Collins

  “Hang on. I’ll be right back.”

  Natalie nodded, understanding my intent. I walked into the kitchen and watched April, her back to me. My heart ached, and my head hurt. What was I supposed to do here? I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I should do. They weren’t the same thing.

  “April.” It was all I could muster, but she heard me. She stiffened for a second before turning slightly, her gaze wary. She dried her hands on the towel and put them on either side of her, gripping the counter as she waited to see what I wanted.

  My tongue was tied as I thought of all of the things I could say to her. Things I wanted to say to her but couldn’t find the words. I stepped closer to her, watching as her eyes widened just a fraction and her chest began to rise and fall rapidly. My chest constricted painfully as I took in every feature of her beautiful face.

  I’d come in here to ask her to be a part of our conversation with Robbie. After all, she’d been part of this since the beginning. Her being in there would make Robbie more comfortable. Standing here within feet of April, my heart warred with my brain on what I wanted to say.

  I knew it wasn’t the time. Robbie was waiting for me, wondering what I wanted to talk to him about. But she was standing there, looking so scared and unsure and . . . so fucking beautiful that I couldn’t pretend anymore.

  I closed the space between us with just a few steps and she tried to back up but couldn’t with her back against the counter. She stared at me, waiting, and I knew I was the king of mixed signals right now. I took her hand, kissing the palm while she watched me wordlessly. I closed my eyes against the smell of her infiltrating my senses. The thought of never seeing her face again made me want to groan in pain. That’s what I’d been doing when I tried to kill myself. I was saying that my pain was bigger than April’s, bigger than Robbie’s, bigger than everyone’s. I knew it wasn’t me during that time, but I’d still caused her to feel the way she did right now.

  “I’m sorry.” I held her palm against my face. Thank goodness that the first thing I’d done was go to a barber and get my hair and beard cut. I was myself again.

  A small noise escaped from April’s lips, and I lifted my eyes to hers. Tears pooled in her eyes but she didn’t move or speak. She waited, and I realized I owed her more than just an apology.

  “I want you to be in there when I tell him,” I explained, taking her hand and lacing the fingers of my good hand through it. She didn’t argue, so I continued. I was going against every single thing I’d sworn I’d do, but for once in my life I was following my heart.

  She nodded, her eyes dropping to our linked hands. Doing so made tears track down her cheeks. Without thinking, I pulled her body close to mine and breathed her in. She hesitated for a moment, her body rigid until she fought through it. I understood exactly how she felt.

  “I don’t deserve you, April. I know I don’t.”

  I leaned my forehead against hers, hearing our harsh breathing as we both processed what we wanted to happen. “I’ll never be able to apologize enough for what I put you through that day. There’s no excuse for what I did, and I won’t pretend there is. This whole time, I was coming up with all the reasons why I couldn’t be with you, why it wasn’t what was best for you. But now . . .”

  April lifted her face so all I would have to do was dip my head slightly and I’d be kissing her. Tears continued a steady path down her face and dripped on our entwined hands. “Now what?” Her voice was raw.

  “Seeing you has made every single one of them go out the window. I know I don’t deserve you, but I want you. God, April, I want you.”

  She shuddered, biting her lip as she fought for control. Was this when she turned me down and said she couldn’t do this with me? I’d deserve it if she did. She released her hand from mine, and I stepped back, my heart in my feet. This was it. She was done. What had I expected? She could have any man she wanted. What did she want with someone as broken as me?

  April shook her head, stepping closer to me as I put space between us. “Stop,” she said. “You’re misunderstanding. Come here.” She put one arm around my waist and pulled me until there was no space between us. She then took her hands and put them on either side of my face, her eyes roving over every part of my face as I watched, unable to breathe as I waited. “I was so scared, Beau,” she whispered, her fingers moving softly on the hair on my face.

  “I’m . . .”

  April put her finger over my lips to silence me, then leaned forward and kissed me softly. My heart ballooned, feeling premature hope. “Don’t say you’re sorry. I understand.”

  I wasn’t sure how she understood because I sure as hell didn’t.

  “I was so scared, but never did I stop loving you, not for one second,” she said. “I wished I could love you a little harder so you could understand how I felt about you.”

  She loved me? Did she just say she loved me?

  “Over the last week, I wanted to see you more than I wanted anything. I was going crazy wondering how you were doing. When you wouldn’t see me . . .”

  I closed my lips over hers, swallowing the rest of the words and all the hurt I’d caused her. “I’m sorry,” I repeated over and over on her lips. “I tried, April. I tried to resist falling for you because I thought it was what was best for you. But seeing you now, I just can’t deny it anymore. It might be selfish, and I might hurt you again, but I can’t do this without you. I have no idea what I’m doing. There’s Robbie . . .”

  “He’ll be okay,” she said, that smile I loved on her face. “He’s been wonderful since we brought him home. Even if he has a hard time at first with the news, he’ll come around.”

  “But do you want to do this, April? Not only do I come with a whole lot of emotional baggage, now I come with a child, too.”

  April caressed down my neck and shoulders, stopping on my forearms. “I love you, Beau Anderson. You don’t have to say it back. I don’t expect that, but I want you to know that no matter what, I love you. Whether you leave me standing in here alone, or you take me into your life right there in the living room, I love you. I’m yours. Nothing you can do or say will change that.”

  I stared at her, blinking as I processed her words. Here I was, this messed up man who had gone clinically insane in front of her, and she was declaring her love for me. I thought back to what Dr. Knight had said, coupled with the doctors and Natalie, and I knew what I’d been feeling all along. Even though I’d denied it, wanted to ignore it, and wanted to push her away forever with the thought I was doing what was best for her.

  She took my silence as something entirely different than it was, and she tried to step around me. I held on to her, not letting her pass. “April.” I stopped her. I framed her face with both my cast and my free hand, forcing her to meet my gaze. “I thought I’d come here and end things with you. I thought it was what was best for both of us after what I put you through. But I can’t do it, April, because I love you, too. That scares the hell out of me and I’m not sure I know what I’m doing, but I love you.”

  She gasped, and I swallowed it with my lips, taking her the way I’d wanted to since I first laid eyes on her hours before. My tongue dipped into her mouth, and I pressed her against the counter, my desire for her evident as I devoured her. She met me kiss for kiss, tongue for tongue as we reconnected, pouring all our pent up feelings and anxiety into each other.

  When I pulled back, April was beaming. “Do you . . . really mean it?”

  I laughed, and she gasped again, her hand to her mouth. “What?”

  “I love hearing you laugh,” she said. “It’s beautiful.”

  “Not as beautiful as you. And I mean every word. Now, will you do me the honor of joining me as I tell my son he’s mine?”

  She nodded, a shy look on her face as she wrapped her arm around mine. I sensed her eyes on me the entire time we walked, but I all of a sudden felt invincible.

  When April and I walked hand in hand into the living room, Natalie’s face l
it up. Robbie noticed and smiled at us, too, wondering what he was missing. I could tell he didn’t get why Natalie was so happy.

  “Sorry to keep you waiting.” I settled next to Robbie again. Natalie had gotten up and was now sitting across from us. April sat on the other side of Robbie so we were surrounding him. I put my arm on the back of the couch and April laced her fingers with mine behind Robbie.

  I heard a small sob, and I turned to Natalie. She waved me away, holding her hand over her mouth to keep herself controlled.

  I turned back to Robbie. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

  Robbie tipped his face up so he was looking directly into mine. My heart skipped a beat as I saw myself in his eyes. “First, I wanted to say how sorry I am that I got upset the last time I saw you. I wasn’t myself that day.”

  He nodded. “I get it. Remember, I told you I feel that way sometimes, too?”

  I released April’s hand so I could touch Robbie’s instead. He didn’t flinch, so I took it as a good sign. “Yes, I know you do. I try hard for that not to happen, but it sometimes does. I wanted you to know I’m sorry, and I hope you realize it had nothing to do with you.”

  “I know,” he said with the maturity of a much older person. “You don’t have to say sorry to me. Is that why you had to go to the hospital?”

  “Yes.” I wanted to be honest with him, always. He deserved that much. “But I’m much better now.”

  “Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? You don’t have to worry about me. I’m okay. Why did April bring me here? Do I get to stay here, or do I have to go to another home?”

  “No, Robbie, you aren’t going anywhere. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

  I caught April’s gaze and she nodded in silent encouragement.

  “You know how you said your mom was looking for your dad, and you never knew who he was?”

  Robbie nodded, confusion written all over his face.

  I cleared my throat. “Well, we still don’t understand what you were doing in the Orlando area, but we know who she was looking for before she . . . she . . .”

  “Died,” Robbie filled in for me. “You know where my dad is?” His eyes were as wide as saucers as he waited for me to continue.

  This was it. I was going to change my son’s life forever, right here in this moment. I hoped he wouldn’t hate me for it, but I couldn’t guarantee he would love me, either.

  “I do.” I shifted my body so I was facing him. April’s hand caressed my forearm, still resting on the back of the couch, as she waited for the words to spill from my mouth. “About ten years ago, I met a woman named Robyn at the place where I worked. We became friends.”

  Robbie’s mouth opened but then closed again. He tipped his head to the side, his mind racing to figure out what I meant by that, so I continued.

  “One day, she just left, and I never saw her again. I had no idea what happened to her or where she went. And then . . . I saw the picture you carried with you.”

  “You knew my mom?” Robbie whispered, wringing his hands in his lap. “You were friends a long time ago before I was born?”

  I didn’t expect him to get it, and I was glad he didn’t. “Yes. I was worried about what happened to her, and I’m sad she passed away. But what I found out when I saw that picture was . . .”

  I broke off, my voice cracking. The words were right there; they just wouldn’t come out. Natalie cleared her throat, getting my attention. She nodded, mouthing just do it. I nodded. I had to be straight with him.

  “I’m your dad, Robbie,” I said. Once the words left my mouth, I felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. I watched his face as he registered the words, knowing right when he understood me because his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.

  “You . . . what? You’re my dad? How is that? I mean, you’re Beau Anderson and . . .”

  “It’s true,” April said from beside him. His eyes swung to her and then back to me. “Beau Anderson is your dad, Robbie. He never knew about you, not until you showed him that picture.”

  Robbie’s eyes widened. “B-but the picture is what made you upset. Why? You didn’t want me?”

  I grabbed his hands and pulled him so he was standing directly in front of me. “No. Please don’t think that. I had no idea you existed, so it was a shock. When I saw your mom holding you and then I realized how old you were, I got upset that I’d missed so much of your life. I was hurt you didn’t live a good life, Robbie. I’d never want that for any child, much less my child.”

  “Are you sure you’re my dad?” Robbie whispered.

  “When I was in the hospital, I had tests done.” I understood him needing information because all of this was too much to understand. “They took blood from me and some from you.”

  Robbie nodded. “That hurt.”

  “They told me you’re my son, Robbie. It’s true.”

  Robbie’s eyes filled with tears. His small hands were still in mine as I watched him process everything. “You want me?” Those three words broke my heart into a million shards. I hadn’t wanted him. I hadn’t wanted anything to do with having a child of my own, ever. But looking into the face of this beautifully broken boy, I knew I wanted nothing more than to have both April and him. I wanted a family like Bex and Johnny had. My family. I also understood him feeling betrayed and unable to trust adults. Been there, done that. But if I had anything to do with it, he’d never have that experience again.

  “I want you. I wish I would’ve known all those years ago that you were mine, Robbie. I can’t erase all the bad things you’ve lived through, but I can promise you this—I will try my hardest to make you happy for the rest of your life. You won’t ever have to feel alone again or wonder if you will have a home to live in or if you’ll get taken away again because I would never in a million years let that happen to you.”

  “My last name will be Anderson like you?”

  I nodded, my throat so thick I knew speaking would be futile. Tears spilled down his cheeks. He hiccupped and sobbed, throwing himself into my arms and burying his face in my neck. I held onto him as he let go of all the years of feeling unwanted. I could feel my pain leaking out with his. I was holding my child. He was okay. I was okay. We were going to make it.

  I closed my eyes and squeezed him tightly to me, his little heart pounding against my chest. Natalie was openly sobbing in her hand as she used her phone to take pictures. I guess I’d appreciate her capturing this moment.

  April scooted closer and wrapped herself around both of us, pressing her lips against mine as we sandwiched my son. “I love you,” April said into my mouth. “I’m so proud of you right now I could burst. You’re an amazing man, Beau Anderson.”

  Amazing man. You’re an amazing man. I smiled at the new voice in my head.

  April

  I STOOD OUTSIDE the doorway of Robbie’s room, watching Beau sit on the side of Robbie’s bed. They’d been in there for a good half hour now, most of which I’d been standing right here watching. My heart had never felt so full in all my life. Natalie had left after Beau went into Robbie’s room, choosing to give us some privacy. I was so grateful to her for everything that we’d stood and clung to each other, shedding happy tears at the way the day had turned out.

  I hadn’t known what to expect when Natalie told me Beau was getting out today. After he had refused to see me in the hospital, I’d thought for sure things were over with us. When he’d walked into the kitchen earlier tonight and gave me the cold shoulder, I’d known it for sure. He was gone, closed off to the connection we’d previously shared. He’d given up on us. I thought for certain it had been too much for him. I’d been scared shitless to see what had happened to him while he was hospitalized. I had zero experience with things like that, and I didn’t know what to expect. But he’d been the same gorgeous, quiet, brooding Beau, just a little more like the Beau I met months ago instead of the one I’d gotten to know since then.

  When we’d
sat down for dinner, and he couldn’t eat the meal I’d spent all day fretting over, my heart had sunk into my feet. He’d hardly looked at me at all, even when I willed him with everything I had to give me some sign that he was still feeling the same as I was.

  After dinner had been over and he’d taken Robbie into the living room without a single word spoken to me, I’d stayed in the kitchen and sobbed. When he’d come up behind me, I’d been taken by surprise. That was when I saw the haunted look in his eyes and knew he was conflicted. It was right then I knew how he felt about me, though he’d thought breaking it off was doing what was best.

  I lifted my fingers and touched my lips, the burn of his short beard remaining on my skin. After not seeing him in over a week, combined with the vision of the last time I’d seen him, lying lifeless on the gurney, kissing Beau had been more special than usual.

  Things had gone so well with Robbie I almost couldn’t believe it. That didn’t mean we were out of the woods. I’d seen this a lot with kids. Their initial reaction was always to be overwhelmed and ecstatic that someone was committed to loving them for the rest of their lives. Then reality set in. Robbie would face moving, another new school, and Beau would be faced with not just being Robbie’s buddy, but also being his parent. I’d be there every step of the way if they’d let me.

  I was glad Natalie had gotten pictures of Robbie in Beau’s arms. Those are moments that would never be forgotten, but having the visual reminder would be good for them both as they navigated their future.

  I stepped into the room, wanting to be part of their moment. Beau glanced up and smiled at me. I’d never tire of seeing his genuine feelings. Robbie reciprocated, and it reminded me so much of Beau tears sprung to my eyes again. I’d cried a lot over the last week, but at least these were happy tears.

  “Hi, April,” Robbie said.

  Beau patted the spot next to him on the bed, and I sat.

  “Hi, Robbie. You all ready for bed?”

  He nodded. “Beau . . .” His eyes widened, and he stopped.