Breathless

by Cheryl Douglas

  He pushed the door open and gestured for her to enter. She was right. He wasn’t in the mood to talk. The chatter in his head was already driving him crazy. He didn’t need to add anyone else’s opinions to the mix, but she wasn’t just anyone. No matter how often he tried to convince himself things had to change, he would always make time for Jamie.

  She looked hesitant as she entered and stood in the foyer, waiting for him to make the next move.

  “Come on in. Can I get you a drink?”

  “No, thanks, I’m fine.”

  He inclined his head toward the family room. “Make yourself at home. I’ll be back in a few.” Eli took the stairs two at a time, chastising himself for being so cold. She hadn’t done anything to deserve that. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t share his feelings. He just had to find a way to deal with it. Eli showered quickly, towel-dried his hair, and threw on a pair of faded jeans before running downstairs. He planned to grab a clean T-shirt from the basket in the laundry room, but when Jamie gaped at his chest, he decided the shirt could wait. She’d seen it all before, but for some reason, she seemed to be looking at him differently. Unless his imagination was playing tricks on him again.

  “Um, if you need to grab a shirt--” she licked her lips and looked away “--I don’t mind waiting.”

  Eli smirked and sank into the deep leather armchair, kicking his feet up on the ottoman. “No, I’m good.”

  “E, this isn’t the kind of conversation I want to have when you’re half-naked.”

  Her eyes flicked back to his abs, and he tightened them instinctively. He wanted her to look… and touch. “It’s not like we haven’t been naked together before. More times than I can count.” They shared a look, and he knew they were both recalling some of the best times, anywhere and everywhere they could steal a few minutes alone.

  “That’s not what I came here to talk about.”

  Once again, she was shutting him down. He was getting tired of playing cat and mouse. If she didn’t want him, plenty of other women did. One of whom was waiting on him. He glanced at his watch. “I have to be at Belinda’s in half an hour. Whatever you came to say, you’d better make it fast.” It wasn’t like him to be so short with her, and the hurt look in her eyes made him feel guilty. He reminded himself that if he didn’t toughen up, he was going to get hurt yet again.

  “Actually, that’s what I came to talk to you about… Belinda.”

  “What about her?” He didn’t feel like talking to Jamie about Belinda any more than he’d enjoyed hearing about Brent. After being intimate with a woman as many times as he and Jamie had, talking about other lovers just seemed wrong. Not that he and Belinda were lovers.

  “How did things go when she met your family?”

  “Fine.” He wasn’t going to confide in her about how the drama made him miss her even more. Jamie fit in with his family as though she was one of them. But she wasn’t. She’d said it a hundred times: she just wanted to be his friend. “Look, Jamie, I don’t know why you’re so interested in Belinda.”

  “I just want you to be happy,” she said in a timid voice.

  “I am happy.” That may be a stretch, but she didn’t need to know that. “I have my dream job, a great family, friends, money in the bank, and a woman in my life who wants to be more than just friends. What more could I ask for, right?”

  She looked at him a long time. “If you’re so happy, why do you sound so angry?”

  “I’m not angry.” He raked his hands through his hair, heaving a sigh. “I don’t know what the hell you want from me. You told me you just wanna be friends. I get that. I’ve kept my distance so you could get on with your life. I thought that’s what you wanted.”

  “It is.” She stared at the blank TV screen. “I do.”

  “Then why are you here pumping me for information about Belinda? Are you jealous? You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me, either?”

  Her face tightened into a veil of fury. “I love you! Can’t you see that?”

  “You sure as hell have a funny way of showing it,” he muttered.

  She looked as though he’d struck her. “How can you say that? Every challenge you’ve ever faced, I’ve been right there by your side.”

  “Yeah, as my friend.” He chuckled to mask the pain. “Well, guess what? I’ve decided I don’t need any more friends. I’ve got enough.”

  Tears filled her eyes. “What are you saying? You don’t want me in your life anymore?”

  Eli had never planned on that, never believed it would come down to that. But if he had any hope of getting on with his life and falling in love with someone else, cutting Jamie out of his life might be the only way. “Maybe it’s for the best.”

  “You can’t mean that.”

  He reached for her hand, but she retreated. Eli said, “I didn’t want it to be this way, but we can’t go on like this. Belinda cares about me, and I think we could have a real shot at a future together.”

  Tears spilled over her lashes, and she swiped at them. “But not while I’m in your life? After everything we’ve been through, you’re cutting me out for a woman you just met?”

  “You did the same thing to me when you met Brent. He hated how close we were, so gradually, you shut me out. The only time you called me was when y’all had a fight, which toward the end was every other day.”

  “You don’t understand--”

  “No, you don’t understand. I would have done anything to make you love me the way you loved him. Anything.” His ego wouldn’t allow him to admit it back then, but if they were having their last conversation, he wanted to say everything.

  “Eli, I did love you. I just--”

  “Please, let me finish,” he said, holding up his hand. “I loved you enough to let you go because I knew that’s what you needed. Now I’m asking you to love me enough to do the same.” He never thought he’d have the courage to ask that, but in his heart, he knew the time had come.

  “You want me to…” Her voice broke. “Let you go? So you can be with her? That’s really what you want?”

  No, he didn’t want her to let him go so he could be with Belinda. He needed her to let him go because she could never love him the way he loved her. “Yes, it is.”

  She stood up, sweeping her hands over her face. “Fine. If that’s what you want, I won’t bother you again.”

  When she stepped past him, he grabbed her hand. “Jamie--”

  “I just hope she’s worth it, Eli.”

  Chapter Six

  “You seem kind of distracted tonight,” Belinda said, sliding her hand up Eli’s leg.

  She’d been touching him all night, and instead of turning him on, it made his skin crawl. He needed to get out of her house. He’d barely taken time to breathe after his argument with Jamie. Eli knew he needed to go home and process what he’d done. He told Jamie he didn’t want her in his life anymore. He said he didn’t need her friendship. What the hell had he been thinking? He’d die without Jamie.

  “I’m sorry.” He tried to focus on the movie, hoping Belinda would assume he was so interested in it he didn’t want to talk. How could he focus on a movie when the drama playing out in his own life had the potential to destroy him?

  “Does this having something to do with her?” Belinda asked, crossing her arms.

  He didn’t have to ask who she meant. It always came back to Jamie. “We kind of got into it tonight.”

  Her eyes lit up. “Really? What happened?”

  “She showed up at my house asking about you and us.” He pressed his thumb and forefinger into his closed eyes. “I kind of lost it.”

  “Maybe it was time you put that woman in her place. It sounds like she’s been trying to control your life for too long.”

  Eli had always been fiercely protective of Jamie, and that would never change. “Jamie isn’t like that.”

  “Please, she keeps you dangling just in case she doesn’t get a better offer. How long will you let her do that
?”

  “You don’t understand--”

  “I understand perfectly. My ex is the same way. He wants me when it’s convenient for him. When he’s busy with his friends, he expects me to give him space and sit at home waiting for him.”

  Eli didn’t care to hear about Belinda’s problems with her ex. “I should get going.”

  She reached for his hand when he tried to get up. “What she’s doing isn’t fair. She doesn’t love you. If she did, she’d see what this is doing to you.”

  He hadn’t laid his cards on the table since Jamie came home. He’d been too afraid she would retreat or cut him out of her life entirely. So he’d remained silent and tried to be a good friend, hoping she would eventually realize he was everything she needed.

  “I can’t talk about Jamie with you, Belinda. I’m sorry.” He withdrew his hand and leaned forward.

  “What kind of hold does this woman have over you?” When he didn’t respond, Belinda said, “You could have any woman you want. Why the hell have you wasted so many years on this one?”

  He couldn’t explain it. No other woman made him feel the way Jamie did. She filled his heart with love, made him laugh, held him when he needed a shoulder, and encouraged him to dream bigger. She was everything: the best lover he’d ever had, the face he saw in the delivery room when he imagined his babies being born, the hand he was holding when he took his last breath…

  “I have to go.” He felt as if he couldn’t breathe.

  “Please, don’t.” Belinda pulled his head down to meet hers and thrust her tongue into his mouth before Eli could pull away.

  “I can’t do this tonight,” he said, gripping her upper arms.

  “Are you ever gonna be able to do this?” she asked, glaring at him. “Or is that bitch always going to get in the way?”

  “Don’t.” He held up a finger to silence her. “Just don’t.”

  ***

  After driving aimlessly for an hour, crying along with every sad country song on the radio, Jasmine went to the only place she could think of: Nellie’s.

  Nellie’s mouth dropped open when she looked at Jasmine. Nellie tugged on her hand, pulling her inside the small bungalow. “What the hell happened to you?”

  “I had a fight with Eli.” Just when Jasmine thought she’d run out of tears, two more slid down her cheeks. “He doesn’t want anything more to do with me.”

  Nellie led her into the tiny kitchen and pointed to a stool at the breakfast bar. As a graphic designer, she had a good eye and made the most of her small space. Nellie took a bottle of white wine out of the fridge and reached for two glasses in the overhead cupboard.

  “I can’t drink,” Jasmine said. “I’m driving.”

  “So you’ll crash on my couch. No big deal.”

  Jasmine didn’t protest. She needed to dull the pain and wine seemed like the safest bet.

  “Okay, start at the beginning.” Nellie handed her a glass of wine and stood at the end of the breakfast bar, sipping from her own glass as she waited for Jasmine to collect herself.

  Jasmine took a deep swallow of the cool wine, savoring the taste. She took one more, hoping it would have the desired effect soon. “He’s seeing someone new. Ava set them up. He told me the night he came to Jimmy’s to drive us home.” She clenched the delicate glass and wondered how her life had spiralled out of control so quickly. She used to know exactly what she wanted. All she could focus on anymore was the fact that she was alone, and the one person who’d always supported her didn’t want her in his life anymore.

  “Is it serious?” Nellie asked hesitantly. She obviously knew she was treading into dangerous territory.

  “It must be.” Jasmine took another drink before Nellie topped up her glass. “He told me he couldn’t move on with her until he got me out of his life for good.”

  Nellie frowned. “That doesn’t sound like E. Maybe he was just upset or having a bad day.”

  “He meant it.” Jasmine thought about the look on his face. She knew it was difficult for him, but he must have been thinking about cutting her out for a long time. Eli wouldn’t have made that kind of decision on the spur of the moment.

  Nellie put an arm around Jasmine’s shoulders. “Honey, I hate to say this, but you had to know this was coming sooner or later. Put yourself in his position. You know exactly what it’s like. Remember how Brent felt about your relationship with Eli?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s only natural the new woman in his life would feel threatened by you.”

  “I know.” But that didn’t make it easier. Her life without Eli seemed unimaginable. Even when she’d been living in L.A., they’d spoken several times a week on the phone. They’d decided to take a “break” from their friendship once, and it was hell for them both. And a break wasn’t what he was proposing. He wanted to cut her out of his life. Permanently.

  “Maybe this thing with what’s-her-name won’t work out. Maybe he’ll have a change of heart and realize you’re more important than--”

  “He won’t.” Jasmine couldn’t get her hopes up. He’d already made himself clear, and she just had to learn to live with that. Somehow. Reaching for the bottle, she topped her glass up again. “I’m sorry to lay all this on you, Nel.”

  “Hey, what are friends for?” Nellie kissed the top of her head. “I can’t remember how many break ups you’ve seen me through.”

  “Yeah, but this isn’t a break up.”

  “No, it isn’t,” Nellie said softly. “It’s worse, much worse, right?”

  In spite of her vow to keep it together, Jasmine broke down again, sobbing softly as she bowed her head. She hadn’t told Nellie the truth because it seemed irrelevant after Eli’s decision to turn his attention to the new woman in his life.

  “It’s gonna be okay, baby,” Nellie said, stroking Jasmine’s hair. “You’ve still got me.”

  “I know, and I’m so grateful for you.” Jasmine reached for a paper napkin. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose. “I’m sorry. I just needed to get it all out. I’m okay now.”

  “No, you’re not,” Nellie said with a sympathetic smile. “Tomorrow’s going to be even worse.”

  “Please don’t say that.” Jasmine prayed how she felt was as bad as it would get. She didn’t think she could handle sinking lower into despair.

  “Tomorrow morning, you’re going to reach for your phone to call him and you’ll realize you can’t… because he won’t answer.”

  Jasmine’s stomach churned. Her friend was right. It would get worse before it got better. How would she get through it? “Maybe I should get away for a while.” She had several projects that required her attention, but much of the work could be done from anywhere. Client consultations, unfortunately, required her physical presence.

  “You can’t run away like you did when you and Brent broke up. That won’t solve anything, hon.”

  “I didn’t…” Jasmine wanted to claim she hadn’t run away, but that’s exactly what she’d done. Brent didn’t want anything more to do with her, and Eli was due to return to New Jersey. Looking back, she hadn’t wanted to stay in Nashville without… Eli. It wasn’t Brent she’d been trying to get over, it was Eli. Brent was right when he told her she was in love with her ex-boyfriend, that she’d always loved him. She didn’t want to admit it because that would mean her relationship with Brent had been a lie. If she’d been honest then, they wouldn’t be here now.

  ***

  After going home to shower and change, Jasmine still wasn’t ready to go into the office. She needed to confront her past. The elevator carried her to the top floor of her ex-fiancé’s luxury office tower, and she chastised herself for showing up unannounced. Brent Armstrong was a busy man. He didn’t have time to take a trip down memory lane, no matter how much she might need to. She stepped off the elevator and paused mid-step when Brent’s receptionist shot her a curious glance.

  “Can I help you, miss?”

  “Um, I was wondering if Mr. Armstrong
might have a free minute to see me.”

  The attractive receptionist smirked. “He rarely has a free second, let alone a free minute.” She picked up the phone. “But I’ll ask him. What’s your name?”

  “Jas-” She cleared her throat. The young lady looked at her as though she suspected Jasmine may be under the influence. Jasmine was the girl she’d tried to become when she was trying to escape who she was. She didn’t want to be Jasmine anymore. “Jamie Taylor.”

  “One moment, please.”

  Jamie wandered over to look out the window. She wanted to give the woman a little privacy in case Brent told her to get rid of his unwanted guest.

  “You can go right in, Miss Taylor.”

  “I can?” She must have sounded surprised because the receptionist smiled at her.

  “That’s what Mr. Armstrong said.” She gestured to the closed door. “Right through there.”

  “Thank you.” Jamie straightened the blazer of her black, two-piece suit, hoping she looked more confident than she felt. Brent wasn’t an easy man to get along with, and given the way their relationship ended, she couldn’t expect him to be receptive to talking about it. But she had to try. She’d been hiding from the truth for too long. She tapped her knuckles against the solid wood panel and waited for Brent to invite her in.

  “Jamie,” he said, getting to his feet when she opened the door. “This is a nice surprise.” He beckoned her inside. “Ava told me y’all had a nice lunch together.”

  That’s why he’d warmed up to her, because he appreciated the effort she’d made to get along with his fiancée. She wasn’t doing it for his benefit, but he didn’t need to know that. “I hope I’m not disturbing you, Brent. I know how busy you are. This won’t take long.”

  “No worries.” He came around the desk to give her a hug. “The house is spectacular, Jamie. I don’t think any other architect could have captured my vision as well. Thank you.”