Scarlett Says

by Scarlett Moffatt

  I think it’s because so many people take it to extremes when they get drunk and come falling out of nightclubs and fighting in the street. But I think people meeting up with their friends and having a drink on the weekend is a British tradition and we shouldn’t get rid of it. When you get people coming from other countries they’re really into going to the pub because it’s part of our culture. It is pretty shocking when you go to the doctor’s, though, and they ask you how many units a week you drink and everyone does the same thing of working out a number of drinks they think is small enough and they still say you need to cut down.

  I don’t often feel embarrassed if I’ve woken up and drunk too much, as I would never be violent. People say to me, ‘You said so and so and you dance like a nutter,’ but I don’t care. I’ll have people messaging me on Facebook saying, ‘It was lovely talking to you last night,’ and I don’t even remember seeing them, but I’m sure we had a nice time. So what? I enjoyed it at the time. As long as I can untag myself from the embarrassing photos on social media it didn’t happen.

  I don’t really drink a lot at home during the week, although I will on a Saturday night if I’m staying, in because me mam likes a drink too. She drinks Smirnoff Ice like a teenager. When I go to Asda she’ll ask me to get her a party box and I’ll be like, ‘But we’re not having a party. Why do you want so much?’ She just loves to know that she can go and get one while she’s watching Strictly Come Dancing, I reckon. It’s the excitement of it all.

  Taxis

  Once we’re in the taxi on the way to a bar or pub, anything goes. We tend to talk about anything and everything and Dan the Taxi Man probably knows most of our secrets by now. When you’re drunk you don’t care, do you? It’s bad enough on the journey there but he picks us up too so we’re usually mortal by then and being louder than ever. I swear we all think he’s deaf or something, but he’s sat right next to us hearing every word.

  One of us once told a story about how she kept having green poos. She couldn’t work out why and we were googling it in the car and poor Dan the Taxi Man had to listen to every little detail. We also come up with the best ideas ever when we’re drunk. We’ve thought up some cracking business propositions, and we’ve discussed the possibility of starting our own girl band many times. Dan the Taxi Man has even offered to be our manager. Needless to say as soon as we’re sober again it becomes clear they’re the shittest ideas in the world and a clothing range for people who like dressing up as their pets won’t actually sell terribly well.35

  We also sing quite a lot in taxis and when I’m drunk I genuinely think I’m good. I’ll be singing my heart out like I’m on The X Factor and the taxi driver is Simon Cowell, and this is my one chance to impress him. Sometimes when we arrive at the first bar, if we’re still singing to a song we like we’ll make the taxi driver wait until it’s finished. How bad is that?

  Secrets

  Even though we clearly don’t mind Dan the Taxi Man hearing all of our secrets, when it comes to other people’s I’m really good at keeping them to myself. I think that’s so important when you’re friends with someone. You’ve got to be able to trust each other.

  Having said that, some things are fair game, and I do think people are a bit stupid if they reckon I’m not going to tell Sarah most of the things I hear. When someone says to you, ‘Promise not to tell anyone,’ that obviously does apply, but there’s also a clause that you can still tell your best friend. You have to tell one person. It’s the law.

  Sarah knows a lot of secrets that I’ve been told, and vice versa. But we would never tell anyone else, and the person whose secret it is doesn’t know we’ve told each other. Is this making any sense? So, basically, I am good at keeping secrets except from one person, because Sarah and I do pretty much share everything.

  It’s always funny when someone has told me or Sarah something and then they feel like it’s time to reveal their secret to the rest of the group. They’ll think they’re telling us something really explosive but Sarah and I will look at each other and kind of smile because we both know it already.

  Sometimes people will tell me a secret and I think, That’s not even a good one. And they’ll bring it up a few months later and it’s so rubbish I’ll already have forgotten it. On the flip side, I love it when I’m drinking with Sarah and all of a sudden I remember a really good secret that someone’s told me when I’ve been very drunk. It suddenly comes back to me and I feel like my head is going to explode if I don’t tell Sarah right away. It reminds me of the TV show That’s So Raven, where she sees the future and kind of zones out for a minute. I do that but I see the past and remember someone telling me something amazing. It’s like getting a really fantastic surprise present or something. I love it.

  I’m a bit boring because I don’t really have any secrets. I’m kind of like an open book and I don’t have anything interesting to keep from my mates. The biggest secret I had was when I knew I was going to be on Gogglebox. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone, but of course I had to tell some of my friends because I totally trust them.

  In the past if someone’s boyfriend has tried it on with me, which sadly has happened, I’ve been really honest about it and told my friend straight away, so then it’s not a secret any more. I hadn’t done anything wrong and I think it needed to be said for the sake of my mate. So basically, any kind of secrets I have come spilling out because I can’t help myself, so I have nothing left to hide.

  While I’m good with secrets, I think gossip is totally different and it’s there to be enjoyed. If it’s not hurtful or going to cause trouble, it’s fair game. There are certain jobs that people do where people think you’re a therapist. If you do people’s hair or nails you pretty much know all of their secrets.

  There’s an unwritten rule that we never gossip about people in our friendship group, though. I always think that if someone will go behind someone else’s back and talk about them, they’ll do the same to me. It’s such a warning sign. I think it’s part of the reason we’re such good friends. I would be really wary if someone in the group slagged off someone else in the group to me. I wouldn’t be able to trust them.

  A not so brief interlude on lads and lasses

  Of course when you’re out with the girls on a night out, lads always come into it. They can’t not, can they? But honestly, I’m not usually on the lookout when I’m having fun with my friends.36 When I was at uni I was much more excited about the possibility of meeting a lad and it was like it was my sole reason for going out. I always thought I was going to meet the love of my life. But these days I don’t give a shit!

  I would always rather be single than go out with someone just because I think I should be with someone. Loads of girls think if they get with someone their life is going to be perfect. Your life should be perfect anyway, and if you get together with someone, that should be an added bonus. Being single isn’t a disease!

  I have had boyfriends and they’re not all they’re cracked up to be. I mean, one day it would be nice to meet someone, but it’s not my main goal in life. I’ll probably end up being about fifty with loads of dogs and cats, but until that happens I’m not going to worry.

  I’d like a Sunday boyfriend for when I’m hungover and feel shit, but that’s about it. Someone should start a business where you can hire a part-time boyfriend for a Sunday night. They can come over around lunchtime and then leave about 9 p.m. and be like, ‘See you next Sunday!’ That would suit me.

  My resistance to meeting lads on a night out could be partly because I kind of think blokes wouldn’t fancy me then anyway. Any guy who finds me attractive after six wines (drunk by me, not him) is seriously seeing me through rose-tinted beer glasses. I am in no way attractive when I’m throwing myself around a dance floor singing along to Katy Perry at the top of my voice. No lad is going to get a look-in when I’m locked up in my prison of drunken dance.

  Ten things not to say to a single person

  1) ‘Don’t worry (not that I was
anyway), you’ll meet someone when you’re least expecting it.’

  What does that even mean? Is the love of my life going to jump out from under my bed with a bouquet of flowers when I try to go to sleep tonight? Because I’m not expecting that.

  2) ‘Do you ever feel lonely?’

  Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re lonely, just the same as being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’re happy.

  3) ‘Have you ever tried an online dating site like Tinder or Plenty of Fish?’

  Have you ever tried minding your own business?

  4) ‘Maybe you should cross a few of the qualities you want your future husband to have off your list to give yourself a better chance?’

  I’ve waited this long, mofo, I’m not compromising on anything.

  5) ‘Maybe you’re looking in the wrong places?’

  Oh, so I should be looking in local prisons for prospective boyfriends? No wonder it hasn’t been working out.

  6) ‘But how are you even single?’

  Because I don’t just go out with any old idiot. Being single can be a life choice, you know.

  7) When friends organize a couple’s night out: ‘I mean, you could come, but it will be all couples.’

  Don’t panic, you’re not going to catch singledom.

  8) My parents: ‘You won’t find a boyfriend at the bottom of a wine bottle.’

  No, but I will find that it helps me have a good time and dance like Beyoncé.

  9) At a wedding: ‘This will be you one day.’

  Yeah, all I need to do first is find someone, get them to want to spend the rest of their life with me, and then book a wedding.

  10) ‘You are such a catch. Someone will snatch you up.’

  I KNOW!

  Drink etiquette

  If a lad offers to buy me a drink and I do want to accept, I’ll always go to the bar with them and watch them buy it, or I’ll ask for the money and get it myself. Seriously, I do. Or I’ll say, ‘You give me the money and I’ll go and get us both one.’ It’s because I’m a bit paranoid about my drink being spiked ever since my friend’s was when I was at uni. I can’t believe people do that to other people. What’s wrong with the world? It scares me that it happens so often people don’t seem to take it that seriously any more.

  My type of lad

  I definitely have a type when it comes to lads, and it’s not bloody One Direction. All of my ex-boyfriends look the same. They have to have dark hair – I’ve never been out with a blond or ginger lad in my life – and they need to be quite tanned. And obviously they have to be taller than me because I’m only 5ft. They should also be quite well built, but where I live, as I’ve said, there aren’t many guys who don’t go to the gym to be fair. My final stipulation is that they dress like knobheads. I don’t know why but I seem to like guys who wear tight jeans with turn-ups and loafers with no socks. Why do I do it? I know before I dive in what I’m doing. I’m well aware they’re going to be dickheads but I can’t help myself. It’s like in nature when certain animals are brightly coloured to warn you they’re dangerous.

  Me ideal man

  I get so much stick for this from my mates, but I find Simon Cowell really attractive. Even though he has slight man boobs and that. He’s just really attractive. It must be the power thing. Also, if he said something nice about you, you’d know he meant it. ‘Hello, Simon love, what do you think of my new top?’

  ‘I think it’s ugly, garish and you look like a whore.’

  That’s why I’m single, because I can’t find anyone like that round my way.

  My other crush is Stephen Hawking. Similarly, it’s such a pain for him to say stuff that if he was like, ‘You look nice,’ you’d know he meant it.

  Me mates all think I’m weird. I’d go out with Stephen Hawking. If he was younger. We’re on different paths. I said that to a friend and she was like, ‘Yeah, that’s the only reason you wouldn’t get together?’ You’d smash the pub quiz as well, wouldn’t you? Or maybe you wouldn’t. It takes him quite a while to program new stuff in but if it was multiple choice you’d be well in.

  I’ve set up a right tussle there, haven’t I? Hawking and Cowell in a duel, and you can probably throw Bieber in there as well.

  I think they all have something about them.

  Mind you, I get annoyed with the idea of types sometimes. You know that thing people used to say: ‘Are you a leg man or a boob man?’ and some people would actually have an answer. Or when they do phone-ins and ask you who your celebrity crush is and people phone up and say, ‘Brad Pitt.’ That’s just a waste of a vote. That’s like saying your favourite thing is oxygen or water or something. Pick someone a bit interesting, man. I’m not saying phone in and be like, ‘Hitler,’ but put a bit of thought into it.

  Beards

  I used to quite like beards before every lad in the world started having one. It used to be cool, but I’ve got beard blindness now. Everyone looks the fucking same. You walk into a pub and all the lads look like the penguins in the enclosure at the zoo. You can never tell what their faces look like in real life. I feel sorry for men who had beards before they got trendy because they’ve been totally ruined.

  I think when beards properly go out of fashion there are going to be loads of break-ups because all these women are going to realize they’ve been going out with ugly men. What if they’ve got a properly massive chin? Or worse, no chin at all? My mate was dating this guy who looked really cool with a beard. He had what I call a pube beard because it was dead curly, but it really suited him. Then one day he shaved it off and when he walked into the pub we were all like, ‘Who the fuck is that?’ because he had the queerest-shaped head. It was like a little peanut. By that point my mate loved him so she didn’t mind, but it would be a deal breaker for a lot of women.

  I read that there are more germs in a beard than on a toilet seat, and I can imagine that’s true. And the worst thing is that horrible scratching sound they make when you touch them. That makes me feel like vomiting when I think about it.

  I still like stubble on a man, but I’m not a fan of those beards that look like a kid’s drawn them on, or Santa beards. They’re a bit over the top. And I’m sick of guys walking round in checked shirts and beards looking like lumberjacks. Throw in a man bun and you’ve got my worst nightmare. It just screams ‘twat’. It’s not OK for a man to wear his hair in a bun. It’s just not.

  There are all these videos on the internet of kids crying when their dad has shaved his beard off.

  Metrosexuals

  I don’t get the whole hipster thing generally. Even five years ago lads used to be lads. I’m all for equality but some of them take it too far. I saw a lad in Boots the other day buying a face pack and I was praying it was for his girlfriend. It’s nice that men take care of themselves but I never want to go out with a lad who a) wears more make-up than me, or b) has better eyebrows than me. That’s not how life works. I want a man to say to me, ‘Why do you spend so long doing your bloody eyebrows?’ not, ‘Can I borrow your tweezers?’ My ex used to borrow my bronzer and now I look back on it and think, What the actual fuck? Time is a great teacher, and it’s taught me that was in no way OK.

  Exes

  I had my first ever proper boyfriend when I was sixteen. He was fifteen but he was the hardest lad in school, so everyone fancied him. He came home and he was bigger than my dad and he had tattoos. I think me mam was immediately a bit less excited about my first boyfriend. I remember her saying, ‘He looks like Herman Munster.’

  I tried to get him into Blackadder and that but he wasn’t interested.

  Looks aside, I really want to meet a lad who is funny, and I’m yet to meet a guy who actually makes me laugh. When I’ve gone out with men before I generally only end up laughing if I’ve done something stupid and I’m laughing at myself, rather than because they’ve been rolling out the one-liners.

  No, hang on, I did have a funny date once. I went out with this one lad
for a while and on our third date we went to his dad’s garage because he had to pick something up. It was glass-fronted, and while we were there we superglued some pound coins to the ground outside and watched people walk past and try to pick them up. That was his idea and it was actually hilarious. Apart from that, the craic’s been pretty shit with my exes.

  I was with one lad for about three years and I said to my friend Sarah that something was missing from our relationship but I couldn’t work out what. I was seeing him that night and she told me to let him talk first and see if he could hold his own. We were sat at his house watching TV and I decided to stay silent – and so did he. After an hour I said, ‘You’re quiet?’ and he said, ‘Well, you’re not talking.’ I looked at him and said, ‘This isn’t working, is it?’ And that was the main reason we split up. I was bored of being a performing monkey.

  The crazy thing was I thought things were going really well and I didn’t even realize I was making all the effort. Then I saw other couples having a laugh with each other and it really hit me. My mam said a while after we broke up that she’d never once had a conversation with him, and she was so right. I was wrapped up in this big bubble and as soon as it popped I could see everything so clearly. They say love is blind, and I could have done with about eight guide dogs when I was in that relationship.

  I was with another lad who was so boring I used to look into the future and I already knew what it was going to be like. If we went out on a Saturday, we would go to one of two places and it was so predictable. I was in serious danger of turning into a fifty-year-old when I was twenty-one.

  My friends used to call one ex boyfriend of mine Keith Lard after the character from Phoenix Nights because he was obsessed with his dog. He had a Great Dane and I started to think he fancied it. It always came first. It used to jump up at me and nearly knock me over and instead of telling it off he used to say, ‘Isn’t he cute? I think he likes you.’