Scarlett Says

by Scarlett Moffatt

  The final straw was when we were supposed to go out for New Year and he couldn’t get a dog-sitter so he wanted to stay in instead. It was at that point I realized I couldn’t be second best to a dog.

  I went out with a proper mammy’s boy once – the same one who was at uni while I was at school – and for quite a long time too. I planned for us to go to York one New Year and go to The Olive Tree, which is the nicest restaurant there. His parents had a place nearby where he said we could stay, but when he came to pick me up his mam and dad were in the car and they came on the entire date with us.

  His parents used to pay for lots of things for him. He was so spoilt. When I went round their house once his mam asked me if I knew how to use a knife and fork because of where I’m from. I mean, I do live in a different area to them and I don’t have any airs and graces but I am aware of how cutlery works! She also asked what benefits my parents were on and seemed genuinely surprised when I said they both work.

  His dad used to pour out expensive wine and say to me, ‘Sip it and taste it, Scarlett, don’t down it. It cost £35.’ I didn’t give a shit. I’d have happily gone down the shop and bought some Echo Falls. I don’t know how I didn’t walk out of his house on several occasions.

  One time we were showing his mam our holiday photos and I was smoking a shisha pipe, which is basically flavoured water. She started saying to him, ‘Is this the type of woman you want raising your kids?’ like I was a liability!

  My mam said to me one day, ‘If you spend the rest of your life with him, she’ll be picking out your curtains and all sorts. Get out while you can!’ In the end his mam actually ended it for us. I didn’t even get a phone call from him. She rang me and said he didn’t want to be with me any more.

  He came and picked up his stuff and dropped mine off and that was it. I didn’t even feel sad because I thought, If you don’t have the balls to actually split up with me, I’ve had a lucky escape.

  I learnt a lot from him and he taught me not to make someone your everything.

  I also once went out with this lad whose dad owned a prestige car dealership. He turned up in a Ferrari and my dad looked out the window and just said, ‘Nope.’ And I asked him what did he mean and he said, ‘I know I keep telling you to go out with people that want to make something of themselves but that fella out there’s a prick.’ Dads just have a sixth sense, don’t they?

  I had a boyfriend in my final year at school who was in his second year of university. It’s that man thing, though, isn’t it, of half your age plus seven. Why is it OK for men to be with much younger women? I suppose it’s because men can have children basically till they die. They can ponce about for ever.

  Strippers

  I went out with a stripper for a year and a half and he used to get us to tan his back. He’d get a lot of messages on Facebook from the women he’d been out with. I don’t understand all these people who show how much they’re in the gym. You should pretend it’s effortless – that’s cool. He wore all those really low-cut T-shirts with the he-vage and sleeve tattoos. He’d set his alarm to wake up in the middle of the night to eat cottage cheese, so he’d build more muscle. And he’d go on at me to get fit. He’d be like, ‘Do you think you should be eating that?’ and I’d reply, ‘Yes, because it’s fucking delicious.’ ‘But you’re getting a bit chubby,’ he’d say, and I’d say, ‘Look at this face – zero fucks given.’

  He also wore a headband quite a lot. I look back now and can’t believe we went out. I get photos from him popping up every now and then in my timeline where he’s got someone at the gym to take a photograph of him while he’s working out.

  Dates

  I have been on some really dodgy dates in my time. My friend met a guy on Tinder and she set me up on a date with his mate – just as her and the other lad split up. He took me to this Italian restaurant in Sunderland, and when we got there one of his exes was there, so he kept turning round and looking at her. We had nothing in common and there were so many silences we were both constantly going to the toilet just so we had something to do.

  On the taxi journey home we burst out laughing because it had been such a bad night and it kind of broke the ice, but then he started slagging off my mate! It was a good forty-five-minute drive home so it was very awkward. About halfway back I remembered I didn’t have a key to my house so I called my friend Bam and asked if I could stay at hers so I didn’t wake my mam and dad up. I found out later that my ‘date’ had told everyone I’d got dropped off at another lad’s house. He was saying to people, ‘Yeah, she went on a date with me and then went back to another bloke’s house.’ Cheeky git.

  Another time I went out on a few dates with a lad who was a doorman and security guard. I usually think they’re knobheads, but he was such a lovely guy I thought I’d make the effort. One day I couldn’t make one of our dates because I was ill and he sent me a massive bouquet of flowers. I had to finish with him because it was so over the top. How bad is that? I finished with a lad just because he bought me flowers. What’s wrong with me?

  I feel like going for food is quite a shitty date. You don’t want to look too greedy, but you don’t want to look like you don’t eat. You have to be really careful what you order. You can’t have spaghetti bolognaise because it splashes about, and you can’t have garlic because you’ll stink.

  This is really bad, but if I go on a date to a restaurant I’ll eat before I go so I don’t look like a massive glutton. Even so, I would never order a salad in a restaurant. I don’t see the point if you’re eating out.

  I once went on a date with a guy and when it came to ordering he said, ‘Ladies first.’ I knew he was paying so I was like fuck it and I ordered a steak. Then when it was his turn to order he asked for a bloody pear and walnut salad. I was like, what the fuck? He wasn’t even vegetarian. When the waitress brought the food over she gave me the salad and him the steak and it was so embarrassing. We didn’t have a second date.

  I went out with this lad who’s played rugby for England, so he’s a bit of a celeb round our way. I used to date him in school and one night when we were out he asked me if he could take me for food the following week. I got dressed up thinking we were going to a restaurant, and he took me to the KFC drive-through.

  He actually asked me if I wanted to sit in or eat in the car. That was the extent of the romance. Not surprisingly, I turned down his offer of a second date, and he texted me a while later saying, ‘I can see where I went wrong now.’ Which bit? When I had to sit in the car eating beans with a plastic fork? Or when you made me listen to the radio while I ate my chips as we drove off?

  When I was at uni, I put a really miserable post on Facebook after a night out about what a shit evening I’d had. This guy I knew from home saw it and travelled all the way to York at 5 a.m. to surprise me as a romantic gesture. How awkward was that? Sarah felt sorry for him so she let him sleep on the couch but it was hardly the staircase scene from Pretty Woman, was it? I think he thought it would win me over, but the stumbling block was that I didn’t fancy him.

  I feel like going to the cinema is a great date. A lot of people don’t like it, but you can chat all the way there, and then on the way home you’ve got something to talk about so you don’t run out of things to say.

  Some of my better dates have been to places like York Dungeons or playing mini golf. I love it if a lad is a bit inventive. Netflix and food is not a date. If a lad invites me over to theirs for dinner or to watch a film before date five, that’s it. If they can’t be arsed to take me out by then, what chance have we got? My friends say I expect too much from a lad but I don’t think I do. The first six months at least should be really exciting and they should be trying to win you over. As soon as you say yes to going round there to watch a movie they’ll think that’s OK and they won’t make an effort any more. Some girls want to get into a relationship and get settled down and secure as soon as possible, but I don’t. I want excitement.

  My friend Billy once went
on a date with a lad who owned a few houses, but halfway through the date someone wanted to view one of them so he took her with him to meet them. Then he said, ‘We’re really near my house so I may as well introduce you to my dog,’ and he made her take the dog for a walk in the local graveyard with him.

  When she went inside his house for a coffee he had loads of taxidermied animals everywhere. She had to text me so I could call her and pretend to be her mam so she could make her escape. I guess it’s always good to find out early on if someone is a bit weird.

  The girls and I have always got each other’s backs on dates. If one is going badly, we’ll slip away to the toilet and text someone asking them to call and give us a good get-out.

  I don’t always tell my mam when I’m going on dates because she really gets her hopes up and I hate disappointing her if I don’t like someone. She always says to me, ‘Do you think he’s the one?’ before I’ve even been on the date.

  The worst thing someone could do on a date is clack their food or slurp their drink. I don’t just mean it irritates me a bit, it actually makes my heart hurt. I can feel myself getting really angry. If my mam rings me on her break at work and she’s slurping her tea, I have to put the phone down. And that’s my own mam. It’s a million times worse with strangers. That’s a relationship deal-breaker for me.

  I’m quite traditional and it never offends me when a guy holds a door open for me or asks me what I want to drink or eat before they order. I think it’s gentlemanly. I think it depends what your dad’s like. Me dad is a proper gentleman so I don’t see why anyone else shouldn’t be. But I’ve got no time for someone telling me what to eat and drink. Like in Titanic, man, when Billy Zane tells the waiter what Kate Winslet’s going to have for dinner. I was too young to see that at the cinema, but I reckon you could hear the groan go round from all the women. That’s someone straight on the shitlist.

  Drunk dates

  Drunk dates can be both good and bad. It’s helpful to find out if a lad is a knob when he’s pissed, but you don’t want to make a knob of yourself.

  I think it’s a bit dangerous to get drunk on an early date. I reckon on the fifth date you’re fine to have a few, but not until then. It’s never going to end well. When I think of all the embarrassing things I do when I’m drunk . . . You have to wait a while to show someone your crazy side, otherwise they’ll think you’re a lunatic from day one. That’s the thing about early dates, isn’t it? It’s two people pretending to be totally normal, so they’re not actually being themselves. It’s not till you can be a bit mad that someone really gets to know what you’re like and it becomes fun. I reckon for some people it never gets like that and they’re just on their best behaviour the whole time. It must be exhausting.

  Being dumped

  My first rule for dumping someone it that it should never happen via email, text or phone, it should always be done face to face. My second rule is that you need a good reason. And my third rule is that you should wait a certain amount of time before you move on.

  It pisses me off when people dump someone because they want space, and then two weeks later they’re in another relationship.

  No one likes being dumped, do they? Why would you? I’ve been lucky because when my relationships have finished it’s been mainly mutual. I was going out with a lad at uni for about six months and I think we both realized it wasn’t working so we decided to split up. About a week later he got together with someone else and I was a bit offended so (and I do know this isn’t rational) I sold a pair of his shorts and a hoodie from American Apparel on eBay, and then I sent him a screenshot of it.

  I also cut up another one of his hoodies and posted it back in pieces through his letterbox. This lad and I laugh about it now because we’re still friends, but isn’t it weird what break-ups can do to you? I didn’t even give him the money for them, though, so I probably still owe that to him.

  If I was to split up with someone these days, I would never, ever use the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ crap. If you’re dumping someone, of course it’s them! I would much rather someone was honest with me, and I will also be honest with other people. I would rather someone said to me, ‘I think your craic’s shite.’ Fair enough. Also, do it sooner rather than later so that person can go off and meet someone else.

  Finally, if you weren’t friends before you got together, don’t try to be afterwards. It’s over. It’s done. Block them from all of your social media and draw a line under it. Cyber-stalking is too easy; it’s tragic and you may end up discovering things you don’t want to know. All of a sudden you’ll find yourself looking at their posts from 2013 and realizing you’ve lost two hours of your life.37

  I always think it’s a good idea to avoid the places you used to go together, or where you know they’ll be. Don’t purposely go somewhere knowing they’ll be there. What good can come of that? None. Zero. And you’ll look like a twat.

  Scarlett translates break-up lines

  I need some alone time:

  I want to have sex with other people.

  I don’t think I’m ready for a serious relationship:

  I was using you and I’m either bored or I’ve found someone I like better (also I’m a dickhead).

  I’m going through a lot right now, it’s not fair on you:

  I have lots of other things that are more important than you and basically can’t be arsed.

  I think we need some space apart:

  You are doing my tits in, leave me alone for five minutes and I might actually miss you.

  The good old Rachel and Ross classic: we need a break:

  I want to see if I can meet anyone better than you, if I can’t, see you in a couple of months.

  We’ve grown apart: I’m bored:

  It’s not you: It’s obviously you.

  8

  . . . choose a venue

  Scarlett’s Favourite Random Facts

  Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

  Pigs can’t look up at the sky. Their body shape makes it physically impossible.

  Shakespeare made up the name Jessica when he wrote THE MERCHANT OF VENICE.

  There isn’t one person who decides where we go on a night out. We all kind of decide together. If we’re going out locally, there’s one big square where all of the bars are, so that’s easy. We get dropped off and then we do the rounds and that’s when the actual drinking starts. You know, the real drinking. No more of that pre shit.

  We usually go to Wetherpoons, the champagne bar, The Castle Bar, back to the champagne bar, and then to Monaco’s. The champagne bar is great because we know the DJ and we always ask him to put on records we love so it’s like our own giant personal jukebox.

  I like going to Wetherpoons because ours is a good one, but they’re not allowed to play music and I once got kicked out of there because I was rapping. It was dead quiet so I thought it would be a great idea to start MC-ing when I was drunk. I stood on a table and everything. Me friends were all banging on the table like it was a drum and loads of people were joining in, but they still kicked me out. I’m not being funny but I was probably doing good business for them! Obviously, I was back in there the following week, though. It’s got a good garden too, which is really nice in the summer, even if it is full of smokers . . .

  Smoking

  I’ve never, ever smoked in my life so I was really pleased when people were banned from lighting up inside, especially in eating areas. I remember having nights out and getting home and stinking of smoke. I used to have to scrub myself to get the smell out because I was like a walking ashtray.

  A lot of my friends who did smoke have given up, and the ones who still do always say they’re going to give up every winter because it’s too cold to stand outside. But now everywhere has got bloody heat lamps to keep them warm, so they don’t have to. Let smokers catch hypothermia – that’ll stop them!

  If any of them ask me to go outside for a fag with them if we’re out, I’ll always say no. I
f someone I want to speak to is in a smoking area, I’ll go and chat to them, and it’s also a great place for making new friends, but I’ll never go out especially with a friend just because they want a cigarette. I don’t want to encourage them in any way. They chose that path.

  I do feel proud to be able to say at my age that I’ve never, ever even tried a fag. I was never cool enough at school for anyone to peer-pressure me, and I never wanted to try it just to fit in. Me dad and I used to write ‘little cancer sticks’ on me mam’s fags back when she still smoked because we hated it so much. We’d hide them and everything. My dad has never smoked so he’s really anti it too.

  One time when I was younger I agreed to put my friend’s cigarettes in my coat pocket because she wasn’t wearing one and I completely forgot so I went home with them. My dad found them and he was so angry with me. I kept saying they weren’t mine but in his mind of course I was going to say that. Thankfully, in the end, he believed me, but it was awful. I felt guilty even though I hadn’t done anything and I ended up crying me eyes out!

  I’ve never really got why people start smoking in the first place. All they seem to do is spend the rest of their lives trying to give up. And it costs a bloody fortune. You might as well walk outside your front door and throw money at passers-by, or burn a £10 note every time you fancy buying a packet of fags. If people smoke twenty a day, that adds up to about £280 a month. Sometimes if I buy meself something I know I shouldn’t, I’ll think, Well, I don’t smoke so I’m saving meself a fortune, which means I’m allowed. If I want to buy another new top, it’s fine because it only equals three packets of cigarettes.