Falling

by Jolene Perry

  As If I Needed Even More Proof That I Don’t Understand Women

  I keep meaning to thank Dana on Monday, but I don’t see her long enough to say anything.

  Everyone who was staying here for the weekend is now gone. Including Cass. I work hard. I even open the door of the messy Quonset hut shed thing, but it’s such a mess that I just don’t have the energy for it right now. I have no idea where Dana is, and I’m too exhausted to care. I go inside, grab a beer out of the fridge, try to pop the top off on the counter like Dana and fail. I laugh at myself and after a couple more tries, I get it. I take two long swallows off the top of the bottle. I swear they’re the best ones. I’m just about to sit and enjoy the stillness of this place when the phone rings.

  “Denali Lodge,” I answer.

  “Jason, I…” Cass starts. I know her well enough to know she’s crying. Shit.

  I’m already exasperated. The weekend hadn’t been fun. I’m still not sure what on earth she’d been doing for hours and hours in my place. My one attempt to be nice ended in her walking out and slamming the door behind her.

  “What?” It comes out harsh.

  “I miss you,” she says quietly.

  What the hell?

  “I don’t even know what to say to that.” I’d called her, begged her to come back. I’d done everything I could think of. Now that I’m okay with it, and have been okay with it, she misses me. I’m pissed.

  “Look, you’re the one that started all this,” I say.

  “Did you ever love me?” This right here was the reason we weren’t able to put things back together. She pulls this ‘poor little me’ stuff to get what she wants. She can’t just say it.

  “Screw you, Cass! Of course I did, and you destroyed me for it.” I can’t believe she’s pulling this right now.

  “Will you forgive me?” She’s using her best sad, crying, pleading voice. I’m not into it.

  “It doesn’t really matter at this point, does it?” I’m suddenly not mad, just tired. I don’t want to have this conversation with her. I wanted this conversation months ago.

  “We could try, Jason. I mean, we used to be really good together.”

  “Cass, I don’t love you enough to try anymore. I’m all tried out.” I’m just done.

  “But…” I can hear her start to cry again.

  “Don’t do this. This is ridiculous. This is not the time to talk about reconciliation. Not after you’ve signed papers. Not a year after walking out. Not after you come out here on the weekend with very little warning and pick through my place for hours.”

  “So, you won’t talk about it?” she asks.

  “I’m tired, Cass. I’m done.”

  “But Jason, I still love you.” She has this tone of desperation in her voice I know not to trust.

  “So, now that you realize I’m okay with it, you’re suddenly not? That’s just fucked up. Bye, Cass. I’m hanging up now.”

  I hurl the receiver against the back wall so hard it shatters in satisfying pieces all over the floor.

  “You okay?”

  I jump.

  It’s Dana, and I wonder how long she’s been listening in.

  “No. I’m pissed. What kind of stupid game…” I shake my head. “For a year, for a whole year I was open to anything. Tonight, tonight! She calls me up and asks if I want to try to work things out. What is that?” I look straight at her as if she’d have some sort of answer for me.

  “She probably finally realized that she’d lost.” Dana would turn it into a game. I still don’t understand the timing.

  “But why now? I don’t get it.” I’m still looking at her.

  “I don’t know why you think I know anything.” She crosses the room in search of something.

  “You’re a woman. Maybe you’d get it better than me.”

  “Sometimes we don’t know what we have until it’s really gone. Also, you’re finally okay with all of this. As stupid as it is, it makes a girl crazy.” She’s not looking at me. She’s rummaging the way she always does. It’s funny, we have the same stuff we had last month and nothing’s in a new spot.

  “Really?” I ask. I’m smiling a little now as she stalks the kitchen.

  “Yes. Really.” She sighs and looks up at me. “Besides, if you wanted her back, you’d have cut your hair the day before you went to town to meet her in court, not the day after.” She sounds like this should all be obvious. She turns back to the fridge and pulls out milk, then cereal. In seconds she’s peacefully standing there with a bowl full of something that looks like it should be fed to toddlers.

  “Fruit Loops?” I ask.

  “I just wanted something sweet.” She looks almost defensive.

  “Thanks.”

  “For what?” She asks with a mouthful of cereal.

  “For last weekend, and for just being your overconfident self.” I smile.

  She laughs. “Well, that I can do.” She looks like herself—the real girl. I’m more convinced than ever that there are two Danas. One is the cocky girl, who isn’t ruffled or bothered by anything. That’s not the real girl. The real girl only comes out when she forgets to pay attention. Like now. Her smooth hair is falling out of her ponytail, and she’s wearing her glasses and her pajamas.

  I take a step toward her and give her a hug—a pathetic excuse to hold her again, but I take it anyway. She sets down her bowl of Fruit Loops and leans into me. Her chin rests on my shoulder and she puts her hand on my face. I pull away to look at her, noses almost touching.

  “You’re so smooth.” She smiles a little, but she isn’t looking me in the eyes. She’s looking at my face.

  “Thanks to you.”

  She’s so close. I can feel her body and smell her fruity breath. I want to kiss her like I wanted to kiss her the day she cut my hair. I start to lean toward her.

  “Well, goodnight!” She pulls away. Cocky Dana is back. “I’m off to enjoy my dessert.”

  My arms drop.

  “Yeah…” I’m confused. When I look closely at her, I swear she is too—confused, that is. She looks away from me quickly, picks up her bowl of cereal, and heads for the stairs. I stand alone in the kitchen for a moment. The smashed bits of phone are no longer as satisfying. I’ll have to add a phone to the Costco list. I’m down to one now. I sweep up the pieces and throw them away, confused about Dana, confused about Cass, and pretty much knowing that until Dana leaves, I’m going to feel a little bit screwed.

  I need out of here, so I step outside into the cold air and head for Boz’s place.

  Sometimes Good Friends are Really Damn Annoying

  “So, that Dana, huh?” Boz chuckles as I flop down on a ratty green chair in his cabin. The smell of marijuana has permeated the place, and I find it more hysterical than anything else.

  “Yeah.” I sigh. I hope Dana is asleep before I get back in. “Cass called.” I run my hands through my hair.

  “Play her desperation card?”

  “Something like that.” I wonder when our whole mess won’t hurt so much. It’s the petty games that make me crazy.

  “You know better than to go back there, right?” Boz asks.

  “It’s your sister.” I smile.

  “Yes, and I know her well enough to know that she doesn’t know how to be happy yet, not for any length of time.” He’s watching me carefully. Boz is a good guy.

  “I think Dana got to her this weekend.” I can’t stop my smile when I think about how much fun it was to be close to her.

  “That Dana’s something else.” Boz smiles and hands me a beer. He sits down and pops his can.

  “Yeah.” I turn the can in my hands. “I’m in trouble, Boz.”

  He looks up.

  “I’m starting to like her.” I’m falling for her is what I should say, but his reaction will already be bad enough.

  “Oh no, you can’t do that.” Boz chuckles. “I like Dana well enough, but she’ll chew you up and spit you out, Jase. You’re too nice.”

  I
nod in agreement but don’t completely agree. I’ve held her while she cried, and watched her broken over Craig. Boz has seen the cocky weekend-girl more than the girl I’m falling for.

  “And I think Cass has messed with your head.”

  I nod again. He’s right on that count, of course.

  “Though…” Boz looks thoughtful. “If you went into it with the same attitude she’s throwing around on the weekends, you might have some fun together…” He wags his eyebrows at me.

  Eyebrows? Are we in seventh grade? “She’s not sticking around here. I bet she doesn’t even stay in Alaska for long.”

  “Exactly!” Boz answers, gesturing outwards, spilling a few drops of beer. “It’s perfect.” He leans in a little closer to me. “All you need right now is a little fun, Jason.”

  I feel like an ass. I realize that to a lot of guys, this is an ideal situation. I read people well enough to know that if I work at it, Dana and I could probably have some fun together. I sigh. This, at least, makes Boz’s idea more appealing. The problem is that I’ve never been that guy, and I don’t really want to be. I think about Dana. I think about that small strip of skin and wonder if I can’t change my mind, just for a while.

  DANA

  Games.

  And Then it Gets Real.

  As soon as I see Jason walking toward Boz’s cabin, I grab the Wii and haul it downstairs. I ordered it, and Boz brought my package over this morning. Jason needs to lighten up. He needs to have some fun after dealing with the crazy.

  In less than thirty minutes, I’m driving my pink car around Mario’s track and have another remote and steering wheel next to me—maybe Jason will be less pissed if he’s set up and ready to go.

  The over-the-top flirtation did nothing to help separate myself from liking him, so I figure we can do something like this. Something juvenile, and then my need for us to stay friends will be saved.

  I throw my arms in the air after winning the gold cup on mushroom level when Jason walks in.

  “What the hell is this?” But he’s got a half-smile.

  “I bought it when we still weren’t getting along?” I offer.

  Jason shakes his head. “I should have known. How long are you going to use that excuse?”

  “For as long as I can?” I raise a brow. “Take off your coat so I can kick your ass.” I toss the other remote at him, and he snatches it after sliding an arm out of his sleeve.

  Fast.

  “And what makes you think you will kick my ass?” He cocks a brow before tossing his coat onto a hook and jumping over the back of the couch to sit next to me.

  “Hey.” I smile as nerves at being so close to him settle into my stomach. And really, jumping over a couch should make him seem more like a kid, and less like a very strong, athletic man whose combined strength and athleticism make for some very interesting possibilities.

  “Hey,” he answers, a little more serious than I’d like. His eyes rest on mine a little too long, and I’m getting that light, happy, floaty feeling that I’m trying to avoid around him.

  “You wanna pick the track?” I ask, quickly looking away.

  “I trust ya. I can kick your ass anywhere.” He elbows me.

  I laugh a nervous, odd chuckle. Elbows. That’s good. Friend-like. But the electricity of all the things between us zip through me and put me on edge.

  Halfway through the third lap, I’ve got a fair lead, and then Jason hurls a turtle shell, knocking me over, and allowing him the lead.

  “What!” I give him a shove as I take off up the track.

  “You wanted to play.” He jerks the wheel to the right and I grab his arm, rolling Mario off the cliff.

  “It’s on, now.” His eyes are on the screen, and I’m racing to stay ahead.

  Then in one quick move, Jason’s slides his arm between my two, while still holding on to his steering wheel.

  “Who is this going to be worse for?” I jerk slightly left, and his car jerks on the track.

  “Definitely you.” His grin is mischievous as he gives my arm a bigger jerk, sending my car and princess flying through the air.

  “Jason!” I pull my arm, but all it does is pull us closer.

  Suddenly his eyes are on my eyes, and our breath is mixing between us, and all the things I’ve been confused about come together and hit me hard. I want this. Him.

  Our foreheads nearly touch, and his nose nearly touches my cheek, and our lips nearly brush together. Both of us hovering, waiting, anticipating. A shiver runs through my body as his fingers touch my collarbone and slide behind my neck.

  I’m not sure who moves first, but our lips come together. Everywhere Craig was confident and hungry, Jason is slow and deliberate. Every fiber of me is quaking at wanting more of him than he’s giving. His lips brush against mine again, slightly parted this time, and when his tongue lightly teases my lower lip I let out a soft moan, which is a sure sign that I’m no longer in control of what my body wants.

  His next kiss is thorough and deep, something that could last a girl for days if it needed to because it sends a warmth that courses through my body, and curls my toes. As his fingers slide through my hair, keeping us together, I run my hands through his, kissing him back. Matching him, his softness, his strength.

  This is what it’s like to kiss the real thing.

  Holee Hell.

  Real thing. “I can’t do this.” The words come out before I want them to. Before I want to stop because I never want to stop and that’s running me into dangerous ground.

  Jason pauses, but doesn’t move away, just rests his warm forehead gently against mine, stroking my hair softly with his fingers. “I just…” He lets out a breath.

  “I’m not staying, Jason, and you’re not leaving.”

  “We’d have to be no-strings,” he says quietly. “We can do that.”

  The problem, and what Jason doesn’t know, is that there are already strings attached because I’m in deeper than I mean to be. And my guess is that Jason’s in even deeper than me. We’re way past no-strings.

  No-strings is the kind of relationship I wanted when I came to Alaska for my year of fun—great chemistry, and no expectations. If Jason hadn’t been so damn scruffy when I first arrived, maybe we could have based a relationship just on the physical stuff, but we’re way past that now. At least I am.

  “I can’t do no-strings. Not after Craig.” It’s a lie. I know it’s a lie because my stupidity is the only thing that bothers me from that situation. But I also know that Jason will go for this reason, and then he’ll be the nice guy and let it go.

  But part of me doesn’t want him to let it go. Part of me wants him to fight, because he’d win.

  Jason pulls a little farther away, and when his hands slide off my neck, he runs them through to the ends of my hair, rubbing the strands between his fingers, and sending another round of shivers through me.

  “Okay.”

  I lean against the couch and look into Jason’s eyes, wishing to see more than brown. Wishing to see his thoughts, know how he really feels in this moment.

  “I can’t have things be weird,” I say.

  He pats the outside of my knee. “No weirdness. No worries. We’re good. People have survived a lot more than a kiss with no weirdness.”

  “Is it okay that the Wii’s here?” I ask.

  Jason smirks. “I’m about as good at saying ‘no’ to you as I am to Justine.”

  “One day I’m going to have to meet this sister of yours.” I try on a smile, but it feels so wrong with the mixed-up, dropped-gut feeling I have right now.

  “Not if I can help it.” Jason winks. “I’m beat after the weekend. See you sometime around noon tomorrow. If I’m up.” He seems totally unaffected by our kiss, when I don’t think I could stand from the couch.

  “See you,” I whisper and slouch low in the floral cushions.

  Why, oh why, did he have to be as good a kisser as I imagined him to be? And why couldn’t I have met him in five years
in St. Louis instead of here? And now?

  And Just When I Thought My Situation Couldn’t be More Awkward.

  Nearly noon. I haven’t been able to sleep all night. My lips still feel Jason’s kiss. I’m also starving, but too chicken to go downstairs.

  Mostly, I’m pathetic. Seriously. We’re adults. He said there’d be no weirdness, and I want Cocoa Puffs. I pull my hair back, and set my shoulders in determination to walk down the stairs and into the kitchen.

  Jason’s pouring coffee but turns when I come in. “Hey.” And then his eyes are back on his mug. Could be okay. Could be weirdness.

  “Morning.” I grab the Cocoa Puffs, and almost run into Jason when I turn around. I jump back, and run into the counter, freezing there so he can get by. My stupid heart’s pounding, and his damn T-shirt is too tight, which is really, really not fair.

  My cheeks burn as I pour my cereal, and that’s not at all like me. Maybe I need more space.

  “Want me to pour you a cup?” he asks from behind me.

  “I’m good.” I glance back at him again and give him a weak smile. “Gonna down this and shower.”

  He nods once, but it’s not a relaxed Jason nod. It’s tense. Weird. I don’t want to take the kiss back, but I don’t want this either. I trudge back up the stairs, feeling suddenly not hungry, and hating how one kiss can change everything.

  “Dana!” Jason calls from downstairs.

  “Coming!” Maybe he’ll have a plan. Something for us to do so we can get back to normal.

  His face looks strained when I hit the bottom.

  “What’s up?” I pause at the door to the kitchen, suddenly leary.

  “I just got a call from your brother.” His voice is way too calm. It shouldn’t be this weirdly calm.

  I wait for him to continue as my heart starts to beat a little harder.