Falling

by Jolene Perry

  Jason’s watching me a little too closely. “He’s on his way.”

  My heart stops. “Here?”

  “Yep.”

  “Wha…” I don’t even know what to say. Stupid, stupid Keith. I grab my head in both hands, my hair still damp from my shower.

  “He’s coming by plane.” Jason scratches his head. “He’ll be down in the field in thirty minutes or so.”

  “Thirty minutes!” My heart is racing. I look down. I love my Juicy sweats, but I definitely need to clean up a little. I take off up the stairs and throw open the door of the Twilight room, rummaging through my clothes until I find my favorite jeans. I slide them on, and just keep my cami on for now. I still need to do my hair, so there’s no point in picking out a shirt, or a sweater, and I need to get ready because I’m making myself crazy.

  I hear footsteps on the stairs and panic. Keith couldn’t be here already, could he?

  “Don’t worry,” Jason says. “It’s just me.”

  I throw open my door and sit down on the floor with my straightener.

  “Your hair is already straight.” Jason has a half smile on his face.

  I’m not in the mood to be teased right now even though it’s a million times better than the terse, awkward nod this morning.

  Jason’s face falls a little. “It’s your brother. Your family. Isn’t family supposed to be your safe place?”

  I laugh. “My brother is more nosy and less caring than my father. He acts like he has my best interest at heart, but most of me thinks that he uses his age over me to get more in favor with our dad. He’s six years older than I am. And people aren’t safe places.”

  “They can be.” Jason sits on the floor and leans against the frame.

  I continue running the straightener through my long hair, hoping it’ll dry faster.

  “People can be the best kind of safe place.”

  “Not in my experience,” I say.

  I don’t know why I keep talking, but I do. It must be nervous energy and trying to find some way to dispel some of it. “I love my dad, but he scares me. I don’t feel like I could ever do enough. My mother… She’s not really in the picture. When I graduated from high school, she made the trip to town, and I was all excited go out with her, and we had a brief dinner together and that’s it. I haven’t seen her since.”

  Jason’s eyebrows pull together.

  Crap. “I shouldn’t have said all that.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t…” I don’t want anyone’s pity. I had it good.

  “Don’t what?”

  We both hear the airplane then. Stupid Keith. Where is his brown-nosing work ethic when I need it? I can’t believe he took the time off to come all the way up here. The travel alone will cost him two days.

  I stand up, step over Jason in my doorway, and head for the stairs.

  “You might want clothes.” Jason laughs as he stands up behind me.

  I stop, sigh, turn around and dash back into my room. I find my gray cashmere sweater, the one I realized I wouldn’t actually need after I arrived, and make my way around Jason who’s still in my doorway.

  “Want me to drive down there with you? Or walk?” he asks.

  “I got it!” I yell as I take off out the door, jump on Jason’s snowmachine and head down the hill to pick up my brother.

  Keith climbs out of the plane, wearing something that looks perfect for skiing, not snowmachining—fancy sweater and a light jacket with too many zippers.

  “Hey, Keith.” I nod and take a deep breath, heart still flying. I really need to calm down.

  His warm smile makes me forget my annoyance with him, and his straight, brown hair hangs over his brow a little. Family. It actually does feel a little good.

  “It’s a gorgeous flight up here.” He steps toward me and pulls me into a hug. “Even though the plane felt too small to fly.” He tries to laugh a little. I look behind him at the plane, which is already taxiing away from us. It looks like a four-seater from here. Not too small for an Alaskan bush plane.

  “Yeah, the landscape is beautiful,” I agree.

  “So, I have to climb on behind you on that thing?” He looks over at the snowmachine.

  “Yep.” I smile wide. This is going to be great. I step back on and Keith climbs up behind me slowly.

  “Hold on!” I holler after starting the machine, and I grab the throttle so we can make it up the hill, and also maybe to scare my brother. I feel his arms go from tight to tighter, and I laugh. I’m also glad my ribs are healed up.

  We stop at the top of the hill and he climbs off, stumbling once. “Wow.” He’s still staring at the machine. Then he looks around, and I’m sure feels the same thing I felt upon first arriving. If I’m being honest with myself, I know that my attitude toward this place has softened…a lot.

  “What a dump.” Keith shifts his bag on his shoulder.

  “It’s not that bad.” I try to smile and downplay. “Jason, he’s probably your age, this is his place.”

  Just then Jason opens the front door and waves.

  “Ah… So that’s the draw.” Keith raises a brow, and I’m glad we’re far enough from the front door that Jason probably can’t hear.

  “Jason?” I laugh. “No.” I shake my head. “That’s not the draw.” I laugh harder—a nervous cackling kind of laugh that I really hope my brother doesn’t pick up on.

  “Come on in.” Jason smiles as we walk closer.

  “Thanks.” Keith walks in the front door, and I’m relieved when I see that he only has a small pack—this means he’ll probably only stay one night.

  “How was the trip up?” Jason asks as he shows Keith where to hang his coat.

  “Long.” Keith smiles. Every time I see my brother, he looks older. He’s working too hard, and worry starts to prick at me.

  “What on earth are you doing here?” I ask as we sit down across from each other at a table. Jason walks back into the kitchen, and I can smell pizza, which is really nice of him.

  “Hoping to convince you to come back home.” Keith folds his hands together on the table.

  “Well, I got a call from the DA not long ago. The defendant is working hard to get a trial right away and so if I left, I’d just have to come back.” I shrug, and try to look away, but Keith’s got me locked in.

  “I don’t see how that’s a problem.” Keith is unflinching.

  “Well, how about the fact that I don’t want to go?” He’s not Dad, but he has more power over me than I’d like. I feel this pressure around him to be stronger, better. Keith’s back is to the kitchen, and I glance over his shoulder to see Jason. His eyes are on me, and I gesture for him to come sit down. There’s no privacy up here anyway.

  “I also don’t want to leave Jason in the lurch.” I laugh a little as Jason sits down. He’s brought three beers. He hands one to me that I open and start drinking.

  Keith looks disbelieving. “Since when are you a beer drinker?”

  “Since when are you?” I look at him as he pops off the top.

  “Just weird, seeing you drink, that’s all.”

  “That’s crazy.” I stare at him. “How many of your parties was I invited to and offered drinks when I was way underage?”

  He shakes his head—dismissing me like always. It really irritates me because he has never once apologized or even acknowledged how his friends messed with me. I know he knows about Clive, and he brushes it off, like he does with everything he doesn’t want to deal with.

  “So, Jason.” Keith’s gaze is on him now. “How’d you end up way out here?”

  “I like it,” Jason answers simply. It would have been the perfect opportunity for Jason to brag a little, but he doesn’t take it.

  I do instead. “Jason’s degree is from Yale. He was accepted to Oxford.” I add this, knowing my brother wanted to go there. “He’s done all the training for the FBI so I’m very protected.” I laugh a little at Jason who is purposefully not looking at me. I take another
drink of my beer for something to do.

  Keith looks between us a few times.

  “Don’t think it, Keith.” I wait for his eyes to meet mine. “We’re not that way. Jason here I think is still officially married.”

  I suddenly feel bad. Maybe I just crossed a line.

  “Nope. It’s done.” Jason tries to laugh as he stands and moves toward the kitchen. “I’ll get the pizza.”

  I’ll need to thank him later, and I’m realizing that I’ve probably offended him in some way with everything that’s come out of my mouth since Keith got here. Maybe it’ll be enough for Jason and me to step away from each other because I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t want a repeat of our kiss.

  “Wow, this place needs a lot of work.” Keith looks around. “Or to be started over.”

  “It grows on you.” I follow his eyes around the room. “And it suits its purpose.”

  “I think Jason’s growing on you,” Keith whispers. He looks at me carefully. “Don’t let him get to you.”

  “If I was interested. IF. How would that be terrible, Keith?” I whisper and hope Jason can’t hear us from in front of the oven. I glance up several times between Keith and the kitchen.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.” He looks at me with wide eyes and his head cocked.

  “When did you get to be such a snob?” I narrow my eyes and watch his reaction closely.

  He takes a deep breath. “Well, I can see that we’re not going to get anywhere.”

  “Nope,” I agree. “Probably not.”

  “I have to head back tomorrow anyway. I have an appointment with the DA on my way back home.”

  “What for?” I’m angry at the intrusion.

  “To make sure he knows what he’s doing. To make sure you’re not lying, and to make sure that your safety and your rights are protected.” Everything about Keith is more rushed, impatient than last time I saw him.

  I’m a strange mix of angry and worried about him. “I’m not fifteen, Keith. Where is this coming from? I’m an adult. I’m smart. I’m competent, and if I need to be, I’m well taken care of.”

  Jason sets the pizza down just in time.

  “Excuse me.” I stand. “I think I need another beer.” I drain mine on my way back to the kitchen, and I’m half-tempted to see if I have another Percocet hanging around.

  We finish dinner without speaking much, and I show Keith to a room upstairs and flop on my purple bed. I knew this would be a disaster.

  I get up early to shower and look presentable before Keith’s up. Jason is already awake with coffee.

  “So, that was fun last night,” he says quietly.

  I throw him a look. I’m not ready to joke about my brother. Not yet.

  “You two look alike.”

  “Yeah,” I say flatly. I breathe in the coffee and take a drink. Jason serves the normal stuff to customers, but I’ve learned to let him make coffee for us in the mornings because he uses his private stash.

  “You okay?” he asks as he leans against the counter.

  “I don’t know. I guess.” And now that we’re back to Dana being a mess, and Jason being the good guy, our awkwardness over the kiss is gone. I’m not sure how I feel about being the whiny girl again, but there it is.

  I’m not sure why I think it’s a good idea, but I lean against Jason from the side, resting my head on his shoulder. “It’s supposed to be fun to get together, you know?”

  Jason kisses the top of my head in a gesture that feels like an equal mix of friendly concern, and pushing boundaries that I sort of want pushed. “I know.”

  Jason jerks as Keith’s footsteps echo down the stairs, and I step away. No reason to give Keith any more ideas about Jason and me. Though, I still have no idea where I fall on Jason and me.

  “Morning, you two.” Keith helps himself to a coffee and sits up on the counter next to me. There’s a small part of me that loves this small gesture—a sign that my brother is still inside this tired, frustrated guy who came to visit. “Last chance to head back to civilization.”

  “People up here are civilized…most of the time.” I smile. I feel tense, but want him to think I’m totally comfortable with the situation.

  “Fine, Dana. I’ll send you an email when I’m done with the DA.” His shoulders fall slightly in resignation.

  “What?” Jason asks, looking at Keith.

  “Oh yes.” I glance over my mug at Jason and quickly take another sip before finishing. “Keith has decided that his law degree is far superior to that of Mr. Mitchum Paris at the DA’s office so he’s going to go check on his work.” I lay the sarcasm on thick.

  Jason laughs a little. There’s nothing else to do. Even he realizes this is a little awkward. “I wouldn’t bother, Keith. Mitchum’s a smart guy. He’s really grateful Dana’s doing this, and he’ll be sure to watch out for her.”

  “Not you, too.” I fold my arms. “I am perfectly capable of watching out for myself.”

  Jason opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again. I’m relieved. He has a lot of ammo to shoot down that statement of mine.

  We all hear the plane at the same time.

  “Let’s get you out of here.” I slide my arm through Keith’s.

  “Fine.” He exhales. “But when you change your mind…”

  “If.” I squeeze his arm tighter.

  “If you change your mind, you know how to reach me.”

  “No, Keith. I don’t know how to reach you, but I do know how to reach your voicemail.” I slide on my coat, and we walk down the hill, leaving the snowmachine behind. The plane is landed and waiting. A quick visit, but one that leaves me wondering about a million different things—how I feel about Jason, how I feel about going home, how maybe I should relax and enjoy my experience up here more. How maybe I don’t have to leave. How maybe I do. Too much. I need distraction.

  “Love you, Sister.” Keith hugs me tight, and I lean into him in a way I haven’t in a long time.

  “Love you, too, Brother.” Family is nice even if they irritate the crap out of you.

  As soon as his plane takes off I go back inside, change into something comfy, put on my glasses, and sit down in front of my computer. I have work to do, emails to check, and a family to push out of my mind.

  I think about my time here and how much I’m starting to enjoy myself. Then it hits me that I don’t really have to be here. Keith is right. The defendant is in jail. His fiancé probably isn’t much of a threat to me in my normal daily stuff. Even if I could go to my house in Anchorage, I don’t know that I want to. How is it possible that I’m choosing to stay up here?

  “What are you thinking about so intently?” Jason smiles a little over his cup of coffee. I didn’t see him come in.

  “Is it okay that I’m still here?”

  “Why? Do you want to leave?” He looks relaxed and comfortable, but then he grasps his mug a little tighter, and starts to slowly spin it in a circle on the tabletop.

  “No.” I try to look relaxed and like it’s not a big deal, and not something I’ve been giving a lot of thought to.

  “Okay.” He opens his laptop and starts typing away.

  Well, that was easy. He’s intent right away, and I wonder what he’s working on now. I want to dig through his writing files again and see if there’s anything else in there that’s finished. I also, maybe want to try for something different. Are we too far past a no-strings arrangement? Or is it something we could try?

  JASON

  I Have NO Idea What the Hell I’m Doing

  I still don’t know what to think of Keith. He’s a good guy, I guess. I’m sure if I were him, with his background, and Justine ended out in a place like this, I’d be worried too. After writing all evening, I flip my laptop shut and rub my eyes a few times. My apartment is warm, but feels weirdly empty.

  Dana’s been scarce since her brother left, and as much as I’d like to hang out with her, it’s probably not the best idea. It took everything in
me not to ask again last night if she was sure she wanted to pull away, because the kiss…

  Even better than I thought it’d be, and I’ve spent way too much time thinking about what it would be like to be with her since she arrived. Now that I’ve touched her, even just briefly, it’s all I think about when she’s around.

  A knock at my door makes me start, and I strain to hear it again before moving and grabbing the handle, expecting Boz.

  Only it isn’t Boz.

  Dana’s in my doorway—damp hair. No bra. Low riding pajama bottoms, and part of me wonders if she’s just here to torture me. The fire is the only light in the room, and she practically glows.

  “Am I bothering you?” she asks quietly.

  I shake my head like an idiot struck dumb.

  “I just want to talk for a sec, or…” But she trails off, and brushes her hair behind her. She smells edible.

  I stand back and let her step inside, closing the door behind her.

  She stands too close to me for me to think.

  “Look, Jase…” But she’s still not looking at me.

  I don’t know what makes me do it, but my hand hovers next to her shoulder, my fingers sliding over her smooth skin, my body reacting in all the ways that mean I’ll need a cold shower as soon as she takes off, which she’s sure to do.

  Why is she here?

  Her eyes find mine, and my guess is she’s putting up a lot more certainty than she feels, because her hands are half clasped together, and she’s not completely still. Like Dana is actually afraid, or nervous.

  “We’re both adults,” she says like she’s trying to convince herself.

  “Yep.” Only I don’t know how to tell her that at twenty-five, I still don’t feel grown-up.

  “You said it first. No-strings.” Her hand touches my chest, and she leaves it there, staring.

  My heart starts hammering. How the hell am I supposed to tell her no when every cell in my body says something different? Part of me is pretty sure this is a trick, or at the very least, a really bad idea.

  Her eyes find mine, and she’s practically begging me to kiss her.

  I move in but stop, so afraid that this will backfire worse than the kiss.