Falling

by Jolene Perry

  “Well, then I’m coming too.” Jason turns toward the sink and starts washing his mug.

  I start to protest, but realize my time up here is probably short, and that I’m messed up enough to want him there. More than I should.

  JASON

  Mom

  Just before we take off I take my cell phone outside to the shower cabin. I dial Mom and walk into the laundry room, hoisting myself onto the washing machine and the only place out here where I can find some privacy without climbing on a snowmachine.

  “Jason?”

  “Yep.” I smile. She always says my name like a question. Like she gets a ton of calls from my number that aren’t me.

  “Oh, Jason.” Relief that it is me. “Justine called me a few minutes ago. If I’d had any idea what was going on, I never would have let her go.”

  I smile. “It’s okay, Mom. I mean, it hasn’t been my favorite thing to think about, but it’s okay.”

  “You’ve been as much a parent to her as we have over the past year or so.” Mom sounds both appreciative and sad.

  “As much as I’d never admit this to her, she’s been a good distraction for me, too. Don’t feel bad.”

  “Congratulations with your writing,” she says. “I’m really proud of you.”

  “Thanks.” I’m trying to figure out how to bring up my odd situation/non-situation with Dana.

  “How are things with Dana?” Her voice is now thick with curiosity.

  “Mom.” I stop. “We haven’t really talked about her, have we?”

  She laughs. “Only for you to tell me that she’s gorgeous, knows it, and is driving you crazy. Oh! And we spoke briefly the day Cass showed up. And your sister might have mentioned a few things…”

  “Right.” I smile. Mom can see through just about anything. “She’s been invaluable with this whole Justine thing.”

  “And it sounds like she was helping out on the Cass front as well?”

  I nod and then say, “Yeah,” when I remember we’re talking on the phone.

  “Well, I have time Jason. Tell me what you want to tell me.”

  It’s not Justine who has expectations of Dana and me getting together. It’s not Boz who just wants me to have sex. It’s Mom, and all she wants is for me to be happy—something (despite my comment to Dana) that’s been hard for me to find. I start talking and don’t stop. I tell her that we slept together—I leave out the details even though they’re in my mind as clear as the moment they happened. I tell her about Dana’s dad and brother, and how she probably won’t stick around, and how I really like her, and how I shouldn’t.

  We talk about Justine and Dana and how well they get along. I tell her how I’m sure Dana has no idea what she wants, not outside of any given moment, and how I’m convinced there’s two girls in Dana’s body and, “It’s making me crazy, Mom, because I know if she could just drop the façade for a while, she’d figure out what she wants. She could just be herself, and she could be so happy.”

  “With you,” Mom says.

  “I don’t know.” I say it out loud and it makes me face it all over again. “I don’t know why I’m like this. You know what Boz said?”

  “No, but I probably have a good enough idea.” She laughs. “You’re different, Jason. You never dated unless you really liked the girl. It means you’re a good man.” She sounds proud of me again.

  “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to talk to her, how to make her listen to me.”

  “You can’t make a girl do anything.” I hear the smile in her voice.

  I laugh a little. “I know.”

  “Do you think she’ll stay in Alaska or do you think she’ll end up back in St. Louis?”

  “I don’t know that either.” She said she was leaving. She probably will.

  “What would you do with yourself in St. Louis?” she asks.

  “I don’t know. Keep writing, I guess.”

  She laughs—good now. “You’re in love.”

  “What?” With Dana? If that’s the case then I’m toast. “Why…”

  “You wouldn’t leave the lodge for your wife.”

  I sit on the washer, stunned. She’s right. I’m actually realizing that I’d follow her. With that one question from Mom of what I’d do with myself in St. Louis. The problem is: would I want to be with her there? How much of the real girl would I see in the city like that? I’m not sure. I really don’t care where we are. I want the girl who’s not afraid to run around with a half empty beer, messy hair, and glasses. I’ll take that girl anywhere I can get her.

  “Just listen. Give her space and let her talk.”

  “Okay.”

  “But don’t be afraid to tell her how you feel.”

  “Which is it, Mom? Give her space or tell her how I feel?” How am I not better at this at my age?

  “I can’t tell you what to do, Jase. You’re going to have to know her well enough to decide for yourself.”

  How’s that for unhelpful help? “Thanks. We’re all headed into Palmer in a few minutes. She testifies tomorrow.”

  “That’s not going to be easy,” Mom says. “Love you, son.”

  “Thanks, Mom. Love you, too.”

  I hang up the phone and sit on the washer for a few more minutes. I haven’t decided if I’m glad I called or not.

  DANA

  A Step in the Right Direction

  Justine’s crashed underneath the weight of another Percocet on one of two beds in our hotel room. Jason’s on the other, way off to one side, flipping through channels. I’m… I’m keeping myself busy with stupid stuff like putting away our clothes and setting my toiletry bag on the counter.

  Jason and Justine and the trial all spin around in my head as I finally give up on finding things to do and head for Jason.

  “This is really real, isn’t it?” I ask. “The trial. It’s just… I’ve been thinking a lot since the DA came out.”

  Jason turns off the TV, props himself up on an elbow, and watches me. “Can I do anything?” he asks.

  “No.” I sigh. “I need to sleep.”

  “Didn’t sleep well last night?” he asks.

  “Didn’t sleep at all,” I admit. And then I realize that in a way I admitted to more than not sleeping well because he walked out, and then I didn’t sleep.

  “Me either.” His eyes are searching too deep, but maybe at this point, we’re both facing what we know to be true.

  “We both live in the real world, right?” I slide into my side of the bed, realizing that there’s a lot less room on a queen than on his bed.

  “I think so.”

  I prop up on my elbow too, so we’re facing one another. “I can’t do this right now. Us. I just can’t. Do you understand that at all, or are you going to hate me when I leave?”

  “Of course I won’t hate you when you leave. This job is a big deal for you, right?”

  “Huge.” I slide down until my head’s resting on my pillow. “I’ll get to work with my dad, but not directly with him. It’s exactly what I wanted to do with my business degree—take older homes and apartments, fix them up, sell them or keep for investment… It’s really too perfect to pass up.”

  “Then you shouldn’t.”

  I’m suspicious because this shouldn’t be so easy. Maybe he meant it when he said he wouldn’t be angry when I left. “Thanks for understanding.”

  He nods. “Nervous about tomorrow?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Come here, then.” Jason lies on his back and pats his chest in invitation.

  Won’t this just make it worse for both of us? “I don’t—”

  “I know you’re leaving, Dana. I know that I’m still getting over a divorce and have no business getting involved. I know you’re at the point in your life when you don’t want to be tied down to anyone. I know all of this. I’m just… I hate feeling like there’s nothing I can do to take away some of the stress for you, okay?”

  Why does he have to be so nice? And instead of ro
lling away and going to sleep, I let his arms come around me and my head rest on the warmth of his chest.

  “I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want this,” I whisper.

  “Shhh.” Jason’s arms tighten and my arms tighten in a need to be closer, and then I hope for sleep.

  I step out of the bathroom in my favorite grey trousers, heels, and black cashmere sweater. I feel like more myself than I have in a long time. Jason’s eyes are on me, slightly wide, and I turn away quickly to finish my makeup in the vanity mirror.

  “I’m staying in today,” Justine says from her bed.

  “Well.” Jason stands up in his soft khakis and button-up. “You definitely don’t look like you’re from around here.”

  I glance down. “Oh.” I’m not sure what else to say—anything would make me sound like a snob, or like I disagree. I’m not ready to do either.

  “Don’t look so stressed.” He stands behind me and rubs my arm a few times.

  Justine misses nothing and tries to hide her smile as she flips stations.

  “Ready?” he asks.

  “Nope.” I pick up my purse and head for the door. I am not looking forward to my day.

  TRIAL

  The first person I see after walking through security is Craig. Of course.

  Jason moves slightly, putting himself between Craig and me.

  “Thanks, Jason.” I smile. “But I’ve already seen him, and today isn’t about him.”

  “Right.” He sighs. “Sorry.”

  I shrug. “My stupid, stupid mistake.”

  Only inside I’m not shrugging, I’m tensing because he’s moving this way.

  “Well, it looks like we’re all cozy over here.” Craig smiles as he stops in front of us. “They’ve got a waiting room for you, Dana, since you’re a witness, and are in possible need of protection.”

  “Aren’t you a witness as well?” Jason asks. “Because I was under the impression you two weren’t supposed to talk.”

  Craig ignores Jason as I knew he would. Being sandwiched between the two guys should feel awkward, but it doesn’t. I trust Jason.

  Only a million different kinds of nerves are dancing around inside me right now.

  We pass the courtroom where the trial will obviously be. I see press, a few cameras, and a lot of people. The family of the victim is standing together outside of the courtroom doors in the hallway. What’s probably the mother is wiping away a few tears, and I suddenly feel like I’m in the middle of an episode of Law and Order.

  “Well, Dana.” Craig smiles as the door to our waiting room closes behind him. “Didn’t take you long to fill my shoes, or to almost fill them?”

  He glances from me to Jason. What a prick.

  “Craig. Aren’t you at work? Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Jason asks.

  I rest my hand on Jason’s shoulder. “Oh, don’t worry, Jase. You know what they say about men and shoe size and all that. You busted right out of his shoes.”

  Jason does a terrible job of holding in his smile as he sits and rests an ankle on his knee.

  “You’re not worth the trouble.” Craig shakes his head and walks out.

  I maintain my smile until the door closes.

  “What the hell?” I stare at Jason. “Does it all have to come back around on the same freaking day?”

  Jason grins. “You are wicked smart and pretty damn awesome.”

  Without thinking, I flop down next to him and give him a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks, Jase.”

  “You don’t need me.” He shakes his head, smiling a little.

  I lean my head back against wall and try to relax. “I was so mad at Katie for screwing me up. It’s her party I was headed to, and I wouldn’t have been on that road, and in this mess, if she’d given me good directions.”

  Jason just sits, maybe understanding that I need to talk.

  “I’ve been mad at her and what it’s done to my life and how it’s mixed things up for me and not just one or two things but everything.” I think about what happened to me over this winter, and I’d be afraid to change any of it. “If I wasn’t there, if I hadn’t made a wrong turn, that guy still would have been killed only no one would have seen anything and maybe nothing would have happened.

  “I’ve been so selfish about this and feeling put out because of this crappy situation I was shoved in, but did you see the family of the victim out there in the hallway? He may not have been a stellar guy but he had a mom and a sister and…” I jump when someone knocks, and wipe the edges of my eyes.

  Jason rests a hand on each shoulder. “I’ll be inside. Relax. You’re fine.”

  When we stand up, I put my arms around him and hold him until I’m asked to leave for the courtroom. I’m shaking like I don’t ever remember shaking before.

  The victim’s family will be in there. Matthew will be in there. A jury will be in there… It’s so big. So much.

  JASON

  It Would Be So Much Easier If It Were Me.

  I can’t hold still as I watch Dana take the stand. I flip the coins in my pocket and pick at the seams. My hands have to fidget, and my heart’s speeding.

  Mitch, the DA, stands up after Dana’s sworn in and asks her some basic questions. I can see her be less and less nervous as they continue on. Then she talks about the mixed-up directions from her friend and how she passed these two guys on the side of the road. She’s asked for every detail she can remember. She’s asked to point out the defendant. She frowns and stares at her lap for a moment, but does it anyway.

  A picture of the victim is put up, and I can see her emotions start to take over. She takes a few deep breaths and touches the sides of her eyes a few times. I ache for her and wish I could sit there next to her and take her hand. I’ve never seen her this vulnerable. Part of me loves it. The part of me that wants nothing more than to take care of her. Probably because I know how much she doesn’t want to be taken care of.

  Then she talks about her car accident. I’m listening to every word, to every nuance in her voice. Clues as to what that night was like for her. In one way it wasn’t a big deal, in another way it was a huge deal, and I can’t believe we’ve never talked about it.

  Mitch sits down when he finishes, and I can see the defense attorney flipping through his notes. I want to give Dana some strength. I wish I could do something and then wonder if this is what being around her would always be like. Me wanting to give her something she doesn’t have the ability to take. I’m not sure. Maybe she’ll go home, and I’ll never know.

  She holds her ground with the defense attorney. I want to deck the guy once or twice, but she’s calm and collected the whole time he’s asking her questions. He spends even more time than Mitch had grilling her hard on all the small details. I want to give her a standing ovation when he finally sits down. She’s amazing.

  “Is this a good stopping point?” The judge asks as the defense attorney flips through his notes. Mitch looks pleased.

  “Yes, your honor. I will have questions when we return from lunch.”

  “Are both parties agreed?” The judge asks.

  “Yes, your honor.” From the defense table.

  I’m watching Dana. She takes a breath of relief. I like that I know her well enough to see this.

  I meet her back in the conference room and don’t wait for a sign from her before taking her in my arms. Dana leans into me and doesn’t move.

  “It was a lot harder than I thought it would be,” she says quietly.

  “I’m sure it was.” I squeeze her again. “Are you hungry?”

  “I don’t know.” She smiles a little.

  We join Justine for a quick lunch in the hotel room.

  “I called Darren.” Justine looks up at Dana over her cup of fries.

  “Who’s Darren?” I ask.

  Justine smiles. “The boy you don’t want to think about.”

  “Oh.” She’s right. I don’t want to think about the boy. I put down my burger as my appetite disappear
s.

  “And?” Dana smiles.

  “I told him everything and he feels really bad, and he’s hoping that I’ll be home over the summer.” Justine looks pleased.

  I know I should say something. “I think I’ll keep you with me this summer.”

  Justine rolls her eyes. Guess we’re back to normal now.

  All too soon lunch is over, we’re back to the courthouse, and I watch Dana take the stand as Mitch does his re-direct. This part is better. It’s easier. The worst is done.

  DANA

  Jumping In.

  The courthouse feels a million miles away now that we’re back at the lodge. I’m quiet. Jason’s quiet. Justine’s comatose in her room.

  I rode “the hump” in the truck all the way back from Palmer, resting against Jason, trying to remember all the reasons that we won’t work. I’m not sure I came up with enough to walk away, but I don’t know how to stay here either.

  Jason’s sort of looking off into space with a faint smile on his face.

  “Where are you?” I tease as I kick his foot.

  “Oh.” His head snaps toward me. “I don’t think you want the answer to that.” He smirks then, and I think I definitely do.

  “Try me.” I fold my arms. Everything with him should be hard because we’re so different, but it’s not. When I let myself relax and be with him, it’s easy.

  “So, I was imagining what it would be like to spend some time in Hawaii with you, and you seem like the kind of girl who would go for the simple, black bikini…”

  I nod, a small smile on my face, because I’m thinking he might ask me to come with him.

  “And then I realized, that since I was imagining, you didn’t really need a suit at all…” His smile is open and unapologetic.

  I shake my head. “Boys.”

  Jason shrugs. “You asked.”

  I step closer, heart hammering, not wanting to keep trying to stay away from him. “I did.”

  Just as he reaches for me, I step back. “I’m wiped. Think I’ll head to bed.” I keep walking backwards, smiling at him, hoping he’ll follow as I move toward his door.