Sol

by Apolonia Ambrosius

  Heavy snow made for a white background, muting all the noise and the truth out. And just like Min’s smooth talk, she and Sol departed on path of the black flyer.

  Born to lead the herd to the predetermined destination, Min marked the steps to take, all the way to an ambiguous looking bar all the while Sol quietly following behind. Inside this dark underground bar, loud music was bursting in announcement that the concert had already started.

  They however first headed to the male side of the restroom, apparently being the only one with working toilet. When it was Sol’s turn in the cubicle, she heard an aggressive speech taking place between Min and an unidentified man. At first it was something muted that gradually became more clear and violent. If the man was young or old she couldn't tell, but his voice was very deep and demanding, definitely belonging to a person who isn’t easily persuaded.

  ‘How many times do I have to tell you I’m not seeing him anymore,’ said Min, with her anger gushing trough her teeth, barely holding the leash in her hands.

  ‘You know well enough that was part of the deal,’ said the man without a hint of emotion backing his sentences. ‘And you also know what will happen if you cut it off.’

  ‘I’ve paid more than any of you deserve, so you better leave me alone,’ Min’s voice increased in intensity, ‘don't think you will get what you want by these visits. I have my ways.’

  Something close to a jacket being unzipped was heard, silence passed, and the man most definitely grinned – leaving out a little laugh. ‘So this is your way, throwing the red card like the last time.’

  ‘No, that was only an introduction,’ Min added with a heavy tone of confidence, ‘you haven’t seen the rest of the cards yet.’

  Only when the outside tension subsided, did Sol appear by Min’s side. Unease clenched to her empty stomach, sweat beginning to show behind her neck. Min fidgeted a small object between her hands and with a forceful thrust into the pocket, freed her hands of it. However, what hadn’t escaped Sol’s vision was precisely that, which she would rather not see: a butterfly knife.

  The dots were quickly connected and she came to a conclusion that one of the cards in Min’s possession, precisely the red one previously mentioned, implied to some sort of injury. The possibility of blood being shed definitely not dropping out. Either way, this deck Min held in her hands was without a doubt dangerous, and right then Sol hadn’t fully realized how deep was her fall going to be. She was going to pretend to not heard a single word from minutes ago, as Min also acted casually, not eager to explain any detail of the threatening conversation. The girl was also not in the mood to share the reason behind her knife, silently lying inside of her pocket – to all outsiders invisible as the air they breathed.

  They reentered the main hall and settled by the side door quite close to the stage. The crowd was ecstatic, their cheers perfectly synchronized to accompany the tune this band produced. Their sound belonged to post-rock category – thought contrary to the genre – the songs were surprisingly melodious and easy to remember, at times even missing the extra roughness of guitar riffs.

  The simple thought of becoming a fan of someone was outrageous to Sol, as she found whole fandom mindset unhealthy and downright useless. Still, something within their particular sound struck her, and someway or the other, she begun to understand the hype behind their music. It was the lyrics. And not because of the fact that these cleverly used words were sung by front man, who was good looking and possessed a certain charisma, one needs to lead the band. But because the lyrics he sang, in his rich deep voice, were so beautiful, so meaningful, and even eye opening, that she could not do anything else but to stand there completely enchanted by it. The only natural response in this situation was to close her eyes, and be taken away by it like the rest of the crowd.

  There stands only I, the pretender

  Holding onto memories that already fallen asleep

  How many days have passed

  Since I opened my eyes?

  The view in front, never changes

  It only pretends like I do

  There stands only I, the runaway

  Always averting my gaze in different direction

  Even when I sink into nothingness

  No tears are falling down my face

  The void keeps forgetting my name

  So don't keep me with promises

  As I know you will also leave one day

  Loud noise of clapping and cheering brought her back to the reality. Under her long lashes tears were veiling up, and this detail didn't escape Min’s hawk like sight. The bold girl observed her the whole time she was in another realm, remembering the past, present, and pain it came with it.

  ‘I told you, you’ll like them’ Min said, or better yelled trough all the noise that came in hitting their heads like waves on the shore. ‘Still I would never guessed you would like them that much.’ Clearly implying to teary eyes she so effortlessly caught.

  ‘Me neither’ Sol silently commented, while gathering herself back together, so that tears wouldn't flow down her cheeks and made a mess on her face.

  ‘Would you like to meet with the band?’

  Slightly shocked by the sudden proposal, Sol nevertheless agreed that she would very much like to meet the brain behind their work. At this Min slipped out a little giggle, the same she hadn’t heard in a while.

  ‘Sure you can meet the brain of the band, but what matters is the heart, remember? Forget the technical stuff and try to see the essence,’ as she finished talking, Min focused on the invisible point in the distance, blurring the whole bar out.

  Four more songs followed and somewhere among them, something happened inside of Sol. Except for the space between her and the band, everything quieted down, all the surrounding sounds whipped out. Then a snapshot from the past came forward, to grab the attention of her buzzing consciousness.

  In front of her eyes, she saw her tiny hands craft a sculpture out of clay. It probably took place in the wooden shack behind her childhood house, where the mother stored various tools for her occasional artistic flashes. Sometimes, the mother would paint, in between extensive piano practices, engrave into wood or sculpt out of clay.

  One day it happened to be that clay strangely attracted Sol’s little hands. She was drawn to it like a magnet and somehow knew exactly how to move her fingers in order to get out the desired shape. She couldn't remember how old she was, but it was definitely before meeting with Haven. Out of a decent block of clay, Sol made a sculpture of a boy’s face. It later turned out it was that of her dead brother, of whom she never knew about nor ever seen a single picture. Her parents burned every picture of him and never mentioned anything about her lost brother in front of their daughter. And if it wouldn't be for that odd incident, they would most likely never mention she even had a brother once. The mother was greatly distressed upon seeing the boy’s face, so she got rid of clay once and for all.

  The face Sol sculpted had spoken to her trough dream, and that was something she remembered while listening to this band. Caged Minds freed her body of unnecessary tension she felt for years and only then, could she understand what Min has been preaching about. It was the heart of which she completely forgotten about. All her focus since getting the gift was dominantly orchestrated by the brain, analyzing each and every action along the way, while suppressing the essence, the heart. It felt as if she knew everything about everyone else and knew nothing about her own self.

  Why do I keep judging others based on underlying intentions? To make me feel more elevated, important? Or to simply distract myself from the thing that really matters, my life.

  When the band finished for the night, a chance of meeting all four members opened up for her. All four guys were at least five years older than her – even if one would strip them naked of their clothing style, tattoos, and longer hair. The vocalist was the most attractive among all of them, however none of them was hideous looking. They were all very pleasant to the eyes and al
so to have a conversation with. This surprising mutual adoration from both sides, made her smile in a sincere, caring way.

  The possibility of becoming a part of Min’s life and her crew, that flirted with borderline danger made Sol’s heart beat faster, in fact it made her like breathing after a very long time. These feelings were like an impact of adrenaline rush in comparison to her dead-like friends she forced to care about for the last few years.

  For that past hour or so, she was free of deceitfulness that has been practiced so eagerly. What possible outcome would come out of this no one knew, but a persona that was build over the course of her fragile youth years was starting to make her itch with resentment and regret, which she never wanted to admit.

  ‘Where is Hell?’ she asked Min while they strolled down the street to their basement apartment, leaving the guys behind to hang out in the bar a little longer.

  ‘He is waiting in the studio,’ said the girl while searching for her lighter, ‘also, there is a rule to this place. No girls allowed.’

  ‘What about you?’

  ‘I can come to hang out, but I can’t stay overnight. Never did never will,’ said Min lighting up a cigarette, ‘it’s something the guys came up with and I have to respect that.’

  Their den was only a block away from the bar they played in most of the nights. On the way there, Sol learned that they made a deal with the owner of the bar. Music was being written solely to keep the flow of costumers consistent, his bank account out of the red, and in exchange, they would not have to pay for rent or any usage in the small basement apartment. Min’s nonchalant explanation made their music sound so devoid of meaning and heart, of which she preached not long ago. But this didn't in slightest change the feelings Sol experienced when actually listening to it. To her, it was closest thing to perfection, even if they only did it to not let their heads get wet at night.

  ‘I’ll wait outside,’ said Sol upon arriving at the top of the staircase.

  ‘I won’t let you. It’s damn cold and it’s only for a few minutes anyway. Come, it’ll be our little secret.’

  This studio, as they called it, was so plain in design it almost lacked an essential aspect of someone using the space: life itself. Nevertheless, it proved to be highly efficient for band practice. All equipment was stored in a smaller soundproof room that also lead to the bathroom, while in this bigger open space, one directly stepped in from the stairways above, was where the actual living happened.

  Center was occupied with two sofas, facing one another. Both were made out of worn out deep brown leather, with only difference being that one had also a pull out bed option. Between the seating and a potential bed, stretched long coffee table cramped with various beverages and items, certainly belonging more to other accumulated trash on the street than on the table. Junk food packaging, bear cans, empty bottle, of a probably cheapest whiskey one could find, laid on top of a once tick phone book, now considerably thinner due to the amount of pages being ripped out. Ashtray full of cigarette butts was also thrown carelessly in this puddle of mess, and there shined a focal point Sol couldn't take her eyes of. There was another butterfly knife, exactly the same as the one in Min’s pocket.

  This killer’s best friend was cold, smooth, and so dangerously inviting for her to grab it and hold it close to her chest. She may be even capable of detecting a heartbeat. Sol watched it lay there, unmoved by her hidden thoughts of caressing it. This never happened before, but something triggered under her exterior layer, making her body instantly covered in shivering sensation.

  As a detailed observer, Min diligently followed Sol’s every eye move and reaction her body made. From the get go, she realized that this girl guarded her sun deep inside, always displaying her emotions only trough an artificial facade. This amused her greatly.

  With swift movements, before Sol could grasp the meaning, Min grabbed the knife, pressing it between her palms.

  ‘Here, you can have it.’

  ‘N-no I can never t-take it,’ Sol stuttered, while staring at beautiful Min, who never seemed to have an unwavering moment.

  ‘It’s fine, I have another one,’ said the girl while tapping onto her metal filled pocket.

  ‘No really I c-’

  ‘I want you to have it,’ she abruptly cut her short of comments, so that she would not have a chance of changing her mind. ‘Let it be my Christmas gift to you, okay?’ the last part of the sentence turning into a friendly tone. ‘Just promise me you wont mention this to Hell. He hates knives, especially these two.’

  ‘I promise.’

  There was a hint of a smile written on Min’s face before she started to move around the apartment to find her little brother. Sol on the other hand, stayed in the same position, still in the process of translation.

  And like a rare occasion of butterfly landing on one’s hands, she didn't have a choice but to accept this knife that flew in her way. Her reason refused the idea of carrying a lethal weapon with all its might, but the covered darkness that was being stirred up preferred it like this very much, even too much.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  THE LURKING ENIGMA

  Couple of minutes was all it took, for them, to be back on the street in the chilling cold. The girls took initiative of walking together upfront, while Hell leisurely followed right behind with a leather carry-on bag. Friendly chatter echoed trough the almost empty streets and as they got nearer the bar, where Caged Minds previously played, Hell abruptly stopped. It took a moment, for Min to turn around and see her brother standing still a few feet behind.

  ‘What is it? Come, we need to go.’

  ‘I don't want to go back,’ flat-out said the boy, blank in expression. However, in his developing voice a cry for help was being heard. ‘Just not tonight.’

  ‘It’s going to be fine. We’ll probably be alone for a couple of hours anyways. Enough to get you to sleep.’ Comforted Min, while coming closer to her brother to swung the straps of the half empty bag around her right shoulder. ‘I told you I will protect you so don't worry about anything. Just look at me,’ she added, her palm caressing the boy’s cheek, their eyes locking in intense gaze.

  ‘You can stay at my place if you want,’ blurred out Sol, without much thinking. But somehow it felt right, even natural, for suggesting this. Perhaps a guilty consciousness played a part at this, as she remembered her favor turning into mess she still knew nothing about.

  Both pairs of eyes looked at her, devoid of reaction or comments. The faintest breeze was felt on their skin, making their breath even whiter in color.

  ‘Can I really stay at your house tonight?’ asked Hell, producing a small voice, surprising Sol he even had this side to his overall quite confident personality. His eyes widened, golden color in them currently hiding, while he waited for answer to come.

  ‘You can stay as long as you like. Both of you,’ said Sol firmly, her pupils tracing the boy first then his sister, with whom she shared a freshly made secret. The offer flew trough her mouth as if she were in a trance, like she developed a brand new identity in the span of a couple of minutes. ‘What is mine is yours.’

  Min broke the eye contact with a smile, slightly hopping to give Sol a surprise hug. Then out of the blue, the girl pressed a wet kiss on her cheek exclaiming, ‘I think I’m in love!’

  ‘She is crazy,’ the boy giggled, making Sol release a laugh as well.

  Min’s hand harshly clenched her shivering palm, nodding in silence at her brother’s brisk comment over her questionable sanity. Sol briefly closed her eyes, this becoming an apparent habit of hers, and imagined being free from all unshakable disgust she felt for herself and the world. For the entire walk towards her home, while their hands cling to one another, she didn't focus on reading Min’s true intentions, as she didn't want these lovely feelings to fleet.

  Acceptance, reassurance, and sincerity, is what she received, and that was more than enough. Maybe the other girl, of piercing eyes, wouldn't feel the same way even an hour
from now, but to Sol, it marked as a special night. She wanted to stay in their company, breathing the same air as them, heck, she was even willing on agreeing to sleep on complete freezing concrete floor, opposed to her warm bed, if the situation called for. Tonight, she didn't want to leave these two souls at any cost, and with a large amount of freedom at her hands, the decision was easily conceived into reality.

  The unexpected sleepover extended well throughout the whole week, until the New Year’s Day came and both of the surprise guests vanished, without further explanation or trace. Their days however, were filled with creating bonds strong enough as those one does with family members. For a week, Sol gained a new family that, in the joyful moments, seemed to be even truer than her mother and father.

  Every morning she woke up earlier to make their breakfast, usually consisting of no more than eggs, toast, fruit, and tea, but Min and her brother equally enjoyed it every time they sat behind the dining table. Most of time they eat quietly until Min blurred out one of her jokes at which Sol would immediately pull out a giggle, while Hell formed a warm smile on his otherwise serene face. After the small breakfast, Min went to the shop refusing any additional help from Sol, as apparently her only real task in this week was to look over her brother. As a gesture of gratitude the boy cleaned the whole house spotless, like he practiced being a housewife for several lifetimes. Was he always in charge of cleaning their home, Sol didn't figured it out, but it was clear that he was very efficient in this task, much in tune with his movements.

  One sunny day, when the sky finally took a break from the heavy snowing, Sol went to sit behind the piano and tried to draw an original tune out. Her fingers swiftly moved over the keys, producing a dozen lovely notes but none of them feel connected, none of them felt real. The boy silently stood between the doorframes, watching her efforts go to vain time and time again. She was stubbornly pushing herself to create a melody, that would somehow resemble the essence Caged Minds portrayed or Min talked about.