Sol

by Apolonia Ambrosius

  Sweat was starting to break out on her forehead and neck, when all of a sudden she stopped, palms hanging midair and said, ‘What am I even doing? This is not me at all.’

  ‘Finally!’ the boy exclaimed, breaking his hour-long standing silence.

  Sol turned to face him, dumbfounded by his remark as much as she was with her momentarily realization. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You are great at piano but something feels off while you play it,’ he said carefully, not wanting to attack her perseverance or feelings.

  Sol was genuinely confused and not at the least hurt, as the last time Min said it to her, like she was blaming her for her very existence. ‘But I don't understand. There has to be a sound that belongs only to me. Why can’t I find it?’

  ‘Because the sound you are trying to find isn’t in music but something else. There are many sounds on this world. And not all belong to music.’

  Sol was contemplating the previously heard wisdom, of which she never thought about, for their whole lunch. She auto-piloted her eating and not once looked above her plate or across the table, to see the boy. The outside sky has visibly turned into bright pink, with occasional splash of deep orange from where the sun traced its way. The thinking had made her so very tired she once more sunk into her ignorant sleep, this time however on the couch under the quilted blanket.

  Artificial light danced on her still closed eyelids, forcing her to wake up from a long afternoon nap. On the floor sat the boy watching a documentary on the television. The volume was not audible at all, however the brutal imagery of coyote chasing a deer down made up for the lack of sound.

  Sol gave her limbs a good stretch then raised her body to properly sit on the couch. The boy didn't turned around nor did she initiate a conversation. All her sleeping brain was processing was the cruel nature on the screen, reminding her how each and every life was precious and at the same time expandable, replaceable, fleeting. No one knew when his or her final moment is going to be, or how it’s going to take place. From a different perspective that was quite unfair because in contrast to birth, of which our intelligence knew everything of, death was so foreign and unexplored. And even though Sol had a special gift residing in her, she was also one among the rest, when it came to foreseeing death. The possibility of coyote chewing her throat out was extremely slim, but perhaps someday something close will hunt her down until she’ll become as insignificant, as a deer, that appeared to live only to be brutally murdered. And if she considered even a bolder scenario, perhaps someday she could be the one in the role of a predator.

  ‘How was sleep?’ the boy turned around, to watch her with peaceful expression. His piercing eyes now looked like his sisters, because of the surrounding dark. However Sol didn't started her engine enough to go into staring contest, so she naturally slide her gaze on coffee table beside him, only to detect something that wasn't previously present. It was a red gift box of medium size without any additional decoration, such as a ribbon or a tag.

  ‘What is this?’

  ‘It’s for you. Happy late birthday,’ he said while flashing an awkward smile. Even his hand rubbed behind his head, like a teenage boy she’d sometimes forget he was.

  ‘What? How did you know it was my birthday?’

  ‘Min told me, though she said not to tell you,’ he said in a quick pace, as if to get rid of any guilty feeling. ‘It’s probably been awhile since you got something, right?’

  Of course it was Min, who else, she thought. I wonder what she told him or better, what my grandmother told her about me.

  ‘Can I open it?’ she asked.

  ‘Well it’s supposed to get opened,’ he said, showing his warm smile to her, while pushing the box towards her, indicating that something quite heavy rested inside.

  Sol slowly lifted the lid of the simple looking box, just in case something close to a coyote might jump out and turn her into a corpse. As she looked past the white filling paper, there it lay in stillness and nostalgia, a head size block of clay. A sharp pain struck her chest, making it harder to breath for a few seconds.

  ‘I don't know if it’s the best one, but I thought since you’re good with hands, you might try sculpting sometime,’ he said, while watching her baffled reaction.

  After a momentarily pause, plain thank you, was all that she could come up with. ‘And I’m here, with nothing to offer to you.’

  ‘What are you talking about? You’ve given both of us more than enough,’ he said waiting to lock eyes with Sol, while she looked down at her present. ‘Don't hang your head low. Stand tall!’ He said firmly, bringing her back by exposing her to his intense stare. ‘Well maybe there is something you can give me,’ he then added in a softer tone.

  ‘Tell me. I’ll do anything,’ said Sol, grabbing both sides of the gift box.

  ‘Sculpt me something.’

  ‘But I don't know how to.’

  ‘And why is that?’

  ‘Because I never learned it, of course.’

  ‘That doesn't matter. Just because you learn something doesn't mean you actually know it. Just try and you’ll see,’ he said in a mature voice, like he suddenly turned into adult.

  ‘I can try, but it’s not going to look great,’ she said shrugging her shoulders.

  ‘It’s going to be perfect, I know it.’

  ‘That's impossible. Maybe after I practice it enough.’

  ‘You don't need practice. No one does really. Just do it.’

  ‘Isn’t there a saying that practice makes perfect? So how on earth can I do something without practicing it beforehand,’ she retort.

  ‘Let me tell you something about practice,’ he declared, while shifting his crossed legs the other way around, ‘practice exists only for one reason and that is to put enough belief in yourself that you can actually do it. If your belief in yourself is so strong, you don't need any practice at all. The more practice one needs in order to accomplish something, the more it means one is caught in a reality made by others and not himself.’

  Sol was left speechless, and even though a part of her rational self strongly opposed to his farfetched theory, the other part was strangely reassured by it. It strangely made sense that any kind of our abilities, actions, or participation with the outside world, solely relied on only one single factor: belief. And as she fiddled around her memories, there existed a dozen situations in her life, which were left unexplained or casted aside by the rationality of the mind. There was enigma of her piano playing of which she grasped even too quickly. And there was also her sculpting incident that was so successful, without any prior practice, that was as a result banned from her life altogether. These were only two things that were executed irrationally but nevertheless effectively. And Sol was only one person among the billions who had similar experiences.

  She became surer by the passing minute of this theory and soon, it was as if she faced the truth itself. The boy presented to her a sum of facts, which he seemed to believe in so strongly it actually worked.

  And maybe, if I try and believe it, I can also free myself from the unnecessary practice.

  Just imagining, how many suffering hours could one be saved from by this simple formula, was astonishing.

  ***

  Since it was last day of the year, Sol and two unexpectedly gained roommates, wanted to spend it in complete spontaneity. That day was to be spent without following a single rule, a single prohibition made in order to reflect and regret. It started out in the backyard, heavily covered in snow, where all three of them gathered shortly after breakfast for a fight of the century. Snow fighting was probably the last thing on Sol’s mind however she didn't voice out her negative opinion because oddly enough there really wasn't any. She was glad she could be pushed into the cold snow, be blasted with snowballs, and ran around the house like she was five years old. Like she was free of all obligation and responsibility present held for her, and as if she never experienced past, or was oblivious for the future itself.

&n
bsp; The heavy laughter filled their stomachs so forcefully, that they couldn't contain themselves in standing position for much longer. So they naturally fall down and cooled their heated bodies in millions of ice crystals that accumulated over the past two weeks. All three of them lay side by side, with Sol being in the center, like the sun shining on them high in the sky.

  ‘This is fun,’ said Min, wearing all-black outfit that appeared to become whiter with each stretch she made. ‘I can’t remember when was the last time I did this.’

  ‘It’s the first time for me,’ quietly added Sol, looking in the clear sky.

  ‘Are you serious?’ asked Min, turning towards her to witness the absence of any joke.

  ‘Completely.’

  ‘Well then, you must’ve had even shittier childhood than us,’ the girl’s laughter escaping her teeth, ‘right Hell?’

  ‘Maybe,’ answered the boy, looking straight into the sky, sunshine making his skin appeared to be made out of pure gold.

  ‘Either way, this can’t last forever even if I wanted to,’ said Min, joining them in majestic view taking place above their heads. If heaven really existed it was as if they already entered it. She paused for a moment before continuing in a somber voice, ‘this too will pass, in fact, it already did.’

  Tears started to surface on Sol’s eyes and she didn't know if it was because of starring into the sun or because of the girl’s words. Perhaps it was because of both things combined, making her head fall prey to slight dizziness. She felt as if the whole world was spinning around her, everyone was going about his or her day as usual, and only she stood still without being able to move. It was like she was the gravity to which everyone abided to, reacted to, but she however, wasn't able to make a reaction. All she was capable of manifesting was utter stillness, while inside darkness raged wanting to see this light all wanted to grab so badly.

  And in all this mess, Min’s comment echoed back and forth reminding her of fleeting moment life presents.

  It was funny how everyone always said that happy things pass quickly and painful things never seem to end yet both of the extremes were leaning on the sides of the same pole.

  In pain and suffering one is caught in complete present, never wanting to cast away the pain, but rather bow to being comfortable as a victim. One feels every ache, heartbeat, and breath. While in happiness, the joyful moment passes as quickly as one is reminded of precisely what Min said, that it’s only a passing moment. One diminishes all the fun out because it feels unreal and unworthy of it. To majority of people it is easier, or better, comforting, to live under the label of victim than to stand tall, like Hell said, and admit you are on your own and no one is going to lend you a helping hand.

  Most of the life Sol too lived in the victim’s mentality, and had only begun awakening to the reality when she met these two people, who were willing enough to share the cold ground with her.

  Back in the kitchen food preparation has finally begun. The boy was in charge of assisting Sol as she tackled on difficult task of baking a cake, roast-beef and various side dishes. Min, on the other hand, prepared cold drinks that would go well with getting drunk throughout the night, and also decorated the first floor in light bulbs she borrowed from the flower shop. In the middle of hectic to-do list they tried to follow, Sol randomly came up with the idea of inviting Min’s friends to celebrate together. Both of the siblings were caught off guard with the sudden proposal, but Min nevertheless quickly proceeded to call her band friends and almost ordered them to come.

  Sol has seen the guys only once prior and while she observed their relationship towards Min, she quickly came to a conclusion that the girl was indeed the leader. It was true that girl’s weren’t allowed to their studio, or that they, as she found out later, made a promise to never date among each other. However it was also true that she gave off an undeniable aura of confidence and dominance over the guys. Min was definitely the one who showed the way in their group.

  In no time were the guys at the front door, being overly excited for yet another round of festivity that took place every year. They brought all kinds of firecrackers, game consoles, to occupy the lonely television, which was otherwise rarely used, alcohol beverages, and even the acoustic guitar. As everything slowly took place under the roof, they would have to share for the night, Sol was hit by an overwhelming sensation. Perhaps she was too hasty in proposing the idea of another bunch of strangers creeping into her home. Now, however, was too late to turn the tables around, and she could only stick to spontaneity they decided in the morning, even if that meant not being spontaneous at all.

  After the late afternoon, when the dark plunged over the sky, making stars appear from what it seemed nowhere, three visible groups formed out of all the youths present in the house. The boy was out in the backyard with bassist and guitarist, where they blasted firecrackers, laughed loudly and attacked each other with snowballs. Min and the guy, who was responsible as being the vocalist in their band, were invested into a low budget war game on PlayStation. Sol just started cleaning the dishes, to make some room on the cramped dining table, when the drummer, or Lion as they called him, joined in to offer help. No more than fifteen minutes later, the kitchen area was spotless and ready for second round of inevitable gluttony that would last until the early morning.

  On that particular night Lion first showed extreme fondness towards Sol. They did a little bit of bonding a week earlier, in the bar, but it was still superficial, depth undetectable. As they started conversing about life in general, Sol quickly grasped that both of them shared similar philosophical outlook on a majority of things. A mutual affinity, that never developed into anything more than a pure friendship is what Sol got out of that night. Perhaps that being the only highlight after all.

  At around 9PM Min started getting text massages in heavy waves. Trough the noise of a war game, that the vocalist still enthusiastically played, Min distanced herself more and more. She came to the point of sitting restlessly on the couch, trying to calm her mind to content she was reading on the phone. Sol noticed her odd behavior in an instant, and as she broke her long conversation with Lion, in order to approach the anxious girl, Min suddenly took a call and disappeared to the second floor. After a few minutes, the girl rushed down straight to the narrow foyer, avoiding any eye contact with people present in the house, to put on her boots. Sol was bewildered and it took Min to unlock the main door, for her to grab the girl by the upper arm, questioning her strange behavior.

  ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘To buy pack of cigarettes,’ spilled out Min, trying to avoid this conversation all together. ‘No one smokes the ones I do. You know, always got to stay different,’ a big grin shaped on her slightly anxious face, gently pulling Sol’s hand down from her own, reassuring her everything is fine, even though Sol knew it wasn't.

  ‘Can I go with you?’

  ‘The one who needs a supervision is outside,’ retort Min, indicating on her little brother who was oblivious of his sister’s intentions. ‘Seriously, don't worry, will be right back.’

  Sol was helpless and all she could possibly do was to watch the beautiful girl be taken away into the cold night, preoccupying her mind with any kind of distracting thoughts. And as always, when she needed to be somewhere else, at least in her mind, she was so very present in this reality it was overwhelming, but when she needed to focus she was all over the place and not here.

  It passed another twenty minutes before anyone noticed Min was gone. The vocalist loudly demanded a match between him and the girl, when Sol said she went to buy her supposedly much needed nicotine.

  ‘What do you mean?’ asked the vocalist-turned-gamer, as he stood up, entirely serious. ‘When was it?’

  ‘About twenty minutes ago,’ confirmed Sol as she glanced to the metallic wall clock, above the television set.

  ‘Something happened,’ muttered Lion, as he gazed towards his band-mate, who blurred out the backyard to watch his own reflection in
the glass door.

  ‘You don't say,’ replied the vocalist under his breath. He then opened the glass door by the couch to inform the little brother about, apparently yet another impulsive episode from his sister. ‘Hey! Hell! Come here,’ he yelled, and the boy immediately rushed inside, his cheeks and nose red in color. ‘Ugh, your sister went out again. She went to buy a pack of smokes.’

  A moment of silence spread trough the room, reaching even the two guys in the backyard. Hell focused his view to lock eyes with Sol and firmly say, ‘Don't wait for me.’

  Sol was perplexed with his reply as the boy showed no trace of emotion, just a calm, mature reaction she wouldn't be capable of showcasing in these types of situations. He reminded her of her father back home or even a sage that traveled all the continents, exposing himself to all kinds of disgraceful scenarios only to come out each time much stronger, composed, until reaching a phase of becoming unbreakable.

  Without any apparent apprehension, the boy let Lion to follow him and not a minute later, the car engine started, pulling out of the driveway into the poorly lit street.

  Sol sat down on the couch, where the vocalist already claimed a piece of territory, and exhaled deeply. By then the other two guys also came inside to sit on the floor and have a small group discussion.

  She learned that Min always pulled the excuse of buying cigarettes when something family related happened, which in the last months keep coming up. This worried all the guys to their very bones, as she would rarely explain anything even to them. So the chance Sol got with being explained anything by the girl was once more zero. She was no one in her life, while the girl unknowingly became almost everything to her.

  ‘I think you have the right to know, so I’ll just say it,’ continued vocalist, who nervously kept tracing his other three friend’s faces, like waiting for an approval, which he already got as soon as they begun this conversation. ‘Min and Hell have quite a story behind them, and it’s also far from being over. I won’t say much, just the things you need to know, since you’ve come to our group.’ He briefly stopped to catch Sol’s surprised expression then proceeded to talk in his deep, however otherwise comforting voice. ‘That time when Min left Hell in your care, was the day their mother died.’ The young guy took a breath to check on Sol who was slowly turning into a stone with each spoken word. ‘It wasn't surprising, since their mother was long gone before that. She was like a vegetable. But still, it was painful enough for Min to deal with it, so try imagining when her brother came bursting in, only to find their father beating the shit out of their dead mother. It wasn't nice. So we took care of Hell for a few days until both of them came to your place.’