The Many Lives of Avery Snow

by Christy Sloat

  “Is that okay that I just did that?” He asked me.

  “Yes, I think so.” I felt my face turn red. “I came back in here to tell you that I will still show you around town if you want.” He laughed at me although I wasn’t sure why.

  “Well I couldn’t help myself. I have not been able to get you out of my head since we met. This may sound weird to you but I really like you.”

  “Why would that be weird?” I asked. I knew it was weird I just wanted to play it cool.

  “Because we only met once. How is it that I feel this way? I don’t even know you. Dallas is crazy about you. It would break his heart if he knew about this,” he said as he pointed from me to himself.

  “Well, I don’t like to keep secrets but I don’t think this is something we are going to share.” And just as I said that he kissed me again. All the same fireworks went off and I had to push him away. “Dallas is waiting for me I have to go. I will see you Wednesday.” I ran back outside hopped into the truck. I pulled my phone out of my pocket pretending that I had found it, when really it was there all this time. I didn’t feel guilty at first, I was feeling the high still from our kiss and I didn’t want that to end.

  We arrived at the botanical garden and that’s when the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks, all at once. I felt like I could not breath, but I knew I had to get through it and enjoy the time I had left with Dallas. Because once he found out, I would never see him again. What I had done was unforgivable! He stopped the truck at the entrance and got out to open my door. Once he left the cab of the truck I sucked in as much air as I could, suffocating in my own guilt, making me feel sick. When he opened my door I let all the air out and decided to push Landon to the back of my mind.

  We walked around the gardens and I tried to let the beauty embrace me. He seemed to know a lot about plants and flowers because he told me more about every species. I learned all about how the botanical garden was started and how he had donated several thousand dollars to it when his parents died. He was proving to be much more responsible than I even imagined. Once he touched on the subject of his parent’s death he sat down at a stone bench that was surrounded by magnolias.

  “These were my mother’s favorite flowers. She was the kindest woman I have ever met. She taught me that everyone makes mistakes and it takes a kind heart to forgive. It took me years to learn how to be so strong.”

  I gulped at the word forgive. I wondered if she were alive what she would think of me and what I had done.

  “So you want to know more about me? Here are the facts, born here and went to school here. Left for college, went to USC and studied business management. I didn’t graduate though.” As he said this he looked down at his feet like he was ashamed. His cheeks seemed to burn a deep red.

  “Hey, I didn’t even go to college. I’m just lucky to have graduated high school. So at least you were able to experience it.” I hoped my failure helped him in some way.

  “Business management was not for me, at least back then. I was too busy with the party scene.” I could see a younger Dallas drinking from a keg and partying like a young college kid does. It sort of made me laugh picturing him like that.

  “But now I would love to go back, to learn it all over again. What I did learn will help me in the long run if I open up my own place. Cooking school is done this June and Landon is going to help me start up the business. He owns his own business and he is really smart. He lived in New York and he bought and sold a lot of property. He has the experience, let me tell you.” When he said his name I felt the guilt come back and I wanted to talk about anything else but I didn’t want to be rude.

  “Well, you will do just fine I know it.” I smiled reassuringly.

  He held my hand and looked into my eyes. I did feel so comfortable with Dallas but I still had the feeling of Landon’s kiss lingering on my lips.

  “Cooper is my last name, by the way. You said you wanted to know it. I know yours is Snow, right? Like Snow White.” I just laughed and nodded. Cooper was a name that haunted my head and dreams, Lucy’s voice speaking it. It made my skin cold. Why did his last name have to be Cooper? Why not Johnson or Jones?

  We had our picnic shortly after even though I was still full from breakfast. I did not want to hurt his feelings so I ate a small tuna sandwich and some fruit. Our conversation mostly stuck to our pasts and Dallas’ mom and dad. It seemed to me like he needed someone to talk to about them so I was more than happy to listen.

  But once he was done talking he looked at me and he asked me the worst possible question.

  “So, how would you feel about being exclusive, you know seriously serious about each other? I don’t want to see anyone but you. What do you think?”

  I didn’t speak at first, which made his face turn from excited to confused. What was I to say? I did want to be with him but that was before today and my encounter with Landon. Once I kissed him I wanted nothing more than to stay with him and never leave his side. His pull was strong and I could feel it even from here. I had done a complete turnaround with my feelings and I felt sick to my stomach. I had to tell him something.

  “You know I feel the same about you, I just have a hard time with trust.”

  “I know it took you forever to start talking to me when I first met you. Once you told me about your dad being dead to you, I put it all together. You have a large wall around you but I will try to push it over for as long as it takes. I don’t know what your dad did, but I am not him.” He rubbed my back and we sat in silence watching the birds and the chipmunks in the garden.

  When I got home I threw myself on my couch, but as soon as I did I felt a rush of cold air blow past me. I stood up expecting to see either Ianni or Lillith but no one was there. I went into my kitchen and the coast was clear. I was exhausted so I made my tea, just to make sure I got enough sleep. As I sipped it I watched the TV and found nothing interesting on. That was okay because I felt myself drifting off. All I had the strength to do was to shut off the TV and it was goodnight to me.

  My day had been so strange and I just wanted to escape the guilt that I was feeling. I hated myself for what I did to Dallas. He could possibly be the most perfect guy for me and I was throwing it all away for someone I really didn’t know. I did have a wall up, Dallas was right, but for some reason Landon didn’t even have to earn my trust or try to break through the wall. I just let it down for him like it was nothing. But for Dallas I was making him jump hurdle after hurdle for my love. I felt so sick I just closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep as fast as I could.

  I was now in that dreamland, same as before. The bedroom was the same and the big door was wide open. He stood there gazing out the window into a blank sky. I stood watching him for what seemed like forever before he noticed I was there. He turned around and smiled at me, showing his gleaming white teeth. This time he was Landon. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and I was Emily, the woman who I was in my second life. He took my hand and kissed it and stared into my eyes with such remorse. He looked sad and teary eyed.

  “I’m so sorry my love but I have met another. Please do not hate me, but I am feeling something between us that I cannot deny. I have looked for you for so long but I think that it is best that we stay apart. My heart aches and I cannot go through this anymore. This girl, she is special. Complicated, but special.”

  I could sense the torment that he was going through. He had searched for me for a long time and he felt he could not do it anymore. He just wanted to do what was best for himself and his life. I just nodded my head, acknowledging that I understood him, but I could tell this was not enough for him. He wanted to hear that it was okay for him to pursue someone who he thought was someone else. How could I not tell him that the girl he wanted was his beloved Emily? I would be leading him straight to me and he would now pursue me even harder. I had to tell him to stay away from me, Avery. And I knew just what to say.

  “Landon, you must do what you have to do to be happy. But something tells
me that this woman is not yours is she?”

  My idea had to work, I had to let Landon know that Claire or Emily or whoever I used to be wanted him to move on but not with his cousin’s girlfriend. I knew he would listen to me as Emily.

  “No, she is not. That’s what I meant by complicated. She is with someone else, but I don’t think she is happy with him. She kissed me and that led me to believe she wants to be with me too.”

  “No Landon, it was a kiss, a stupid kiss. She regrets it because she doesn’t want to hurt her boyfriend. She didn’t mean to kiss you but you just looked so gorgeous and she felt that she should kiss you. Maybe to see if there was something there? But there wasn’t. It was a mistake. Please remember what you did to Garrison. Because of you and I falling in love because of a simple kiss he took his own life. We did that to him.”

  I saw visions of Garrison in my head, of his face when I told him I fell in love with someone else. Garrison was such a sweet and caring man who would have moved earth to fight for me but I ended it there and told him to not follow me. He took his own life shortly after. I know that Landon could see these visions too. He felt simply horrible that Garrison had done that and that we were the reasons why he did. I could see the pain in his blue eyes. He was holding back the tears and biting his lip. He turned and wiped his eyes thinking that I could not see this.

  “No, you don’t understand. She felt a spark because I felt it too. I know your mad my love, I’m so sorry. I will see you again someday but this is the last time I will visit you here. I just can’t do this anymore. Do you know what it’s like to be like this? Searching for you. People think I’m crazy, yeah my whole family. I have not one friend. I don’t have time to settle down and make them.” He had turned back to face me, his hair falling into his eyes. He was so gorgeous it made me crazy.

  “All I do is look for you and it’s exhausting. Lillith can only tell me so much. It’s not enough to find you this time. I’m sorry. Lillith is being punished too much for what she is telling me. I have to go, please forgive me.”

  His voice was shaky and he walked toward me and kissed my cheek. I knew now that it was a hard life for him to search for me all these lifetimes and he was doing it all thinking that I wanted him to find me. When this time I didn’t want him too. Unfortunately, now that he has found me I want him so bad it hurts my soul.

  “I understand Landon. I’m so sorry that you have felt that you need to find me. You don’t need to anymore. You do need to think about your family though and how much they care about you. Don’t do anything that would break that.”

  He turned and left. I hoped that he understood what I was trying to tell him. I was left there in this room that was now turning dark and cold. I was now outside under a full night of stars. It felt so real and so peaceful. I wondered why I would dream this when all I had to do was walk outside. Nonetheless I watched the stars and saw a few of them fall. Watching the stars was the simplest thing I could be doing in a dream and it was better than seeing old lives unfold before me. I sighed and felt so light, like I could just fly. I started to float and it felt so real. I could touch the stars and they felt like air. It was starting to get chilly so I reached for my covers and pulled them onto my sleeping body. My dream self was now nice, warm, peaceful and thinking of only one person. Landon.

  Chapter 11

  Letting it Go

  Only thirty minutes until I had to meet with Landon and I was still not dressed. Filing through my closet and tossing clothes around my room. Every shirt I pulled out was stained or just plain ugly. Finally I came across a purple polo that I thought might be okay. I pulled it over my head and it was way too loose and baggy. I had lost so much weight recently, mostly due to stress and insomnia. I tossed the shirt into the "No" pile and I sat on the floor in my underwear.

  As I bit my thumbnail down to nothing I could not figure out what the hell to wear. When my head turned I saw a dress hanging in the back of the closet that I must have missed. It was a black short-sleeved dress with a sweetheart neckline. There was nothing like a little black dress to fix the problem. I slipped it on and it was more than perfect, simple yet sexy. I ran down the stairs and fumbled for my keys to unlock the car. I drove to the coffee store and I saw him pulling up in his old woody car. I laughed when I saw it, shocked that it was still running. When I got out of the car I felt sick to my stomach. It was probably the guilt taking over my body, but today I felt like it was the day for me to get to know Landon for who he is now.

  As for Dallas, well I would have to deal with that later. I never exactly told him yes about being exclusive and this was just coffee and chocolate, not anything too serious. Dallas did say that Landon is lonely and doesn’t have any friends. That’s what I was, a friend. A friend who kissed him passionately and was married to him several times, but I was going to put and end to that today.

  He stood there with his hands in his jean pockets wearing a simple red t-shirt, jeans that hugged every inch of his legs and Adidas sneakers. He looked at me and he smiled shyly, rocking his feet back and forth until I came closer. Then he hugged me with one arm and kissed the top of my head. He kept his arm around me and opened the door with the other. He led me in and pulled a chair out for me. I felt so special and I could not wipe the smile off my face. I could see the stares from a group of girls in a corner with their coffee. They were practically drooling at the sight of him. He was breathtakingly beautiful, but totally oblivious to it.

  His blue eyes peered into mine as he leaned into my face. I held my breath afraid of the kiss that I felt was coming. How could I resist? I wanted it just as bad as I did the other day.

  Thankfully he did not lean in to kiss me, he just wanted to know what kind of coffee I wanted. I laughed thinking how dumb I was acting and how this all looked on the outside.

  “I will have a mocha latte please. That’s all.”

  “What, no chocolate? This is coffee and chocolate,” he teased. “How about I pick the chocolate and I will be right back?” I nodded and smiled.

  While he ordered our coffees and sweets I looked out the window at the people walking by. Just watching people was calming sometimes and I needed to do something calm. My nerves were on edge. I was so afraid of someone seeing us here and telling Dallas. I was guilt ridden. Dallas was in my thoughts, he was so special to me. I just couldn’t tell Landon no. But I was here today to clear it all up. I had to do it, it was up to me to tell Landon the truth. From what I had learned from my last dream about him was he did not have any clue that I was his past wife. The same wife he told that he could not be with because he wanted his life back. I did not like knowing all of this. I wished I could go back to the old days where I knew nothing. No Spirit Guides, no past lover, no dreams and goodness knows what else is coming my way. I had been a bad friend to Kerri these last couple of months. She deserved better. An honest explanation as to why I was so distant and I knew I had to tell her everything.

  He came back to the table with two hot latte’s and a box with several mixed chocolates. I had to put all of my thoughts away and focus on our conversation for now.

  “Dig in,” he suggested, pushing the box towards me.

  There was something about Landon that was still so serious and strange to me. He was not like Dallas; he wore his heart on his sleeve and was not afraid to do so. Even though his sleeve was covered with all sorts of tattoos.

  Landon was shy and mysterious. You could say the bad boy type, although he was not a bad boy at all. His eyes were kind and truthful and I knew his soul very well. It was the best soul ever. So good, in fact, that I fell for it in every life.

  “Well we need to talk about the other night,” he said as he held my hand from across the table. As soon as he touched me I saw a vision.

  Emily and Cooper Shade swinging from a porch swing watching the sun set on a mountain in the distance. He was gently rubbing my hand with his. Keeping his eyes fixed on the setting sun. Then he started to sing, “You are my sunshine, my onl
y sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear how much I love you please don’t take my sunshine away.” We watched our two children play tag in the field in front of us. My heart sank and felt as if it filled with lead. I couldn’t possibly feel anymore love than I did at that moment. A feeling of being complete and satisfied with life and all of its many ups and downs. I looked my husband in the eyes and smiled. He seemed to know what I was going to say when he said, “I love you too my sweet.”

  Landon let go of my hands abruptly and almost threw them across the table. He had a twisted look on his face. He saw what I saw or he could have seen something different, but I know he saw something. He shook his head as to remove it from his brain.

  “What is it, headache?” I asked.

  I figured the best thing was to act as if I knew nothing. Not sure if that was the best thing to do or not. If I told him the truth he would never move on and forget about me.

  “Um, yeah I think it’s the latte getting to me. Caffeine overload. Any how we have a predicament. Dallas is my cousin and I do not want to hurt him. He has done so much to help me, you have no idea.” Actually I did I knew everything but I kept mum and just listened. Nodding my head and drinking my latte. “He is head over heels in love with you Avery. And you and I barely know each other. To be fair we were wrong in what we did and it can’t happen again. I can’t hurt my cousin, my blood like that.”

  I felt shocked that he actually said the words. I thought it was me who would have to be the one to say this but no it was him. He must have changed his mind since our last dream together. Even though he was absolutely right I still felt hurt. I had to say goodbye to him. For good. Could I resist the strong temptation, the urge to be with him? It was like a magnet was pulling me toward him. I was being told to stay away from him by Ianni and to be honest it was making me more curious, and now he is telling me we can’t be together.