Forever We Fall

by Chloe Walsh

  I watched in dismay as Derek sauntered off with my daughter, leaving me alone with a pensive looking Kyle.

  Kyle watched Hope and Derek until they were out of eyesight, and then turned his eyes on me. “I thought you were gone.”

  “I was gone,” I muttered, ducking my face, concentrating on a butterfly that had landed on the grass near my feet.

  “No,” he said in a gruff tone. “I thought you were gone.” Lowering himself onto the grass to sit beside me, Kyle nudged his shoulder against mine as he looped his arms around his knees. “I shouldn’t have brought her to the house. I didn’t think, Lee. It was fucking thoughtless and I’m sorry. But there’s nothing going on between . . .”

  “Save it, Kyle,” I whispered, placing my palms flat on the grass. “I don’t want to hear it right now.”

  “Princess . . .”

  “No,” I warned as I stood up and wiped the grass off my jeans. “I’m not a dog, Kyle. I’m a human being with feelings. You can’t drop me, treat me like dirt, and then expect me to fall at your feet just because you feel guilty for bringing another ex into our home.” I turned on my heels and headed for the exit. The sound of his footsteps behind me made me up my pace.

  “Can we talk about this?” Kyle asked impatiently as he fell into step with me. “You’re pissed off. I get that. I’ve been a dick, but just let me explain why she was with me. She needs a recent photo of . . .”

  “I don’t care why she was with you,” I cried. “I don’t want to know. All I want you to do is stay away from me,” I sobbed, wrapping my arms around myself defensively “I’m not emotionally strong enough to deal with your cruel remarks and mood swings.”

  Rushing over to the truck, I dragged myself into the driver’s seat and cranked the engine. “I’m done with this, Kyle,” I told him as I stared out the window as his face. “I’m not the girl I was two years ago. I won’t allow you to walk all over me again,” I spat, pulling away before he had a chance to respond.

  I was done with it all.

  I needed to buy a more comfortable couch.

  How the fuck had I not realized I’d purchased the spine crusher?

  I couldn’t sleep last night—I hadn’t slept in nearly a month. The fear I felt for Linda and the guilt consuming me because of the way I’d been treating Lee made it impossible for me to close my eyes longer than a few minutes at a time. Linda was still hanging in there, still slipping in and out of consciousness, and the shock I’d felt was slowly starting to melt away. I was fucking heartbroken—devastated didn’t come close to describing the way I was feeling right now—but that didn’t give me the right to neglect my family the way I had. Jesus, I hadn’t had a proper conversation with Lee since before I found out about Linda’s cancer weeks ago. I’d been so immersed in my own pain and suffering that I’d completely ignored the three people who, along with Linda, meant the world to me.

  Yesterday, the hurt I’d seen on Lee’s face when I’d foolishly brought Cindy home with me had been my wakeup call—that asshole Danny in my kitchen had been another.

  What the fuck had I been thinking?

  I hadn’t been thinking.

  I’d been working on autopilot mode and I fucked up colossally.

  Last night was the worst dose of reality I’d ever been given. I’d gone up to our room to check on Lee and she’d been in the throes of a brutal nightmare. Jesus, I still shuddered thinking about it. She’d been screaming, tears pouring down her cheeks, and she wasn’t even awake. I’d stayed by the door, knowing I wasn’t welcome in our bed—she wouldn’t have wanted my comfort and I couldn’t blame her . . .

  I’d brought Hope downstairs and settled her in the nursery—I’d had to. When I’d opened her bedroom door last night and saw the wide, fearful blue-eyes of my daughter, I swear something inside of me cracked open and woke me up. I had a hell of a lot of making up to do.

  Standing up slowly, I stretched my arms over my head and heard the satisfying cracking noise as another one of my misplaced joints slotted into place. The doorbell sounded and it took me a moment to move my feet. I glanced at the clock on the wall. 06.45. Who the fuck was calling at this time of the morning and, more importantly, how the hell did they get over the gate?

  Reporters . . .

  Not bothering to throw on my clothes, I attached the parent unit of Hope’s monitor to my boxers and stormed down the hall. I was up to my limit with these assholes. It was one thing to approach us at the hotel, or out in the streets, but coming on my property was too much.

  Flicking off the alarm I unlocked the door. “Better have your running shoes on, dude,” I snarled as I grabbed the baseball bat from behind the door and swung the front-door inwards. “Unless you’re Usain Bolt, you’re not getting away from me without a . . .” My words trailed off when I saw who was standing in front me—and what was lying at his feet. “What the hell is that?” I asked in confusion. “Who in god’s name gave you a chainsaw?”

  “That, my former best-friend and current pain in my ass, is fire kindling, and you should have told me you wanted to play ball.” Derek grinned as he stepped past me. “I would have brought my glove.”

  “What the . . .” I scratched my head in confusion. “Why?”

  “FYI, dude, people with kidney disease need to stay warm,” he said as he strolled down the hallway to the kitchen. “No wait, I forgot you don’t care anymore, do you?” He shook his head, his tone laced with sarcasm. “You don’t . . . what’s the word you used? Oh yeah,” Derek sneered and I flinched. “You really don’t give a fuck.”

  “Yeah, well I’m an asshole,” I grumbled as I pushed past him and filled the kettle before switching it on. Hoisting myself onto the countertop, I sat and studied the smug face of my best friend. “Did you have fun cutting down my forestry?”

  “I did actually.” Derek grinned and he leaned against the island. “But I’m enjoying this conversation a little more,” he added with a smirk. “Tell me what you are again.”

  I threw my hands up and sighed. “I’m an asshole, Derek. I screwed up.”

  “Yes, Kyle,” he mused. “Yes, you are.”

  Stretching my back, I sighed deeply and let my legs dangle freely from where I sitting on the counter. “She won’t look at me,” I whispered. “I’ve fucked up so bad this time, dude.”

  “Yeah, Kyle, you have,” Derek replied evenly. “And if I was her I wouldn’t look at you for the rest of my life.”

  “Jesus,” I hissed. “Don’t say that.” Shuddering violently, I bowed my head in shame. “How do I fix this?”

  “I don’t know, Kyle,” he muttered. “She’s been through the wringer and you weren’t there for her, you didn’t listen, and you didn’t fucking care . . . ugh, Christ,” Derek moaned and clenched his eyes shut. “Would you mind closing your legs, dude? Your one eyed pal is staring at me and I just ate breakfast.”

  Rolling my eyes, I jumped down from the counter and readjusted myself. “You want a coffee?”

  “Yeah,” he said as he opened the refrigerator and handed me the milk. “You abandoned her, Kyle,” he said, continuing to make me feel like a piece of shit. I remained quiet because I deserved it. I was a piece of shit. “She depends on you to function,” he added. “You let her down. Again.”

  “I know,” I whispered as I spooned some instant coffee into two mugs then added water. “She’s having nightmares again.” I shook my head, my shoulders sagging, as I dropped the teaspoon on the counter and turned to face him. “Last night I went upstairs to check on her and she was thrashing around, clawing at the bed sheets, tearing at her skin and the screaming was so fucking . . .” I clenched my eyes shut, the feeling of being out of control caused my whole body to go into warning mode. “Heartbreaking,” I admitted as I passed him his mug. “It broke my goddamn heart.”

  “Hopefully when the trial is over the nightmares will ease up,” he muttered. He took a sip of his coffee before adding, “It’s probably playing
on her mind when she’s sleeping. You know it’s only two weeks away?”

  I shook my head, thoroughly disgusted with myself. I’d forgotten about the trial.

  Placing his cup on the counter next to him, he looked at me thoughtfully. “Look, don’t panic,” he said with a sigh before adding, “You don’t deserve it, but she’ll forgive you.” He smirked and raised his brow. “She always does . . .”

  A high-pitched babble burst through the monitor attached to my hip and Derek leapt back, spilling half his coffee down his coat. “Jesus,” he muttered as he placed his mug on the counter. “For a moment there I thought your dick was screaming at me.”

  “You’re a freak,” I muttered as I made my way down the hall.

  Opening the door of the nursery, my heart fluttered when I saw Hope standing up in her crib. “Hey pretty girl,” I crooned. Her eyes found me and her whole face lit up as she bounced up and down. I didn’t deserve her smiles. I’d been a shitty father . . .

  Hope’s wild movements caused her to lose her new-found balance and she fell backwards, landing on her butt. “Da-da,” she squealed, kicking her arms and legs out as I approached. “Da-da-da . . .”

  “Are you happy to see daddy?” I swept her up and tickled her chubby little belly. “Have you got a nosey-kiss for daddy?” I rubbed my nose against hers and Hope immediately grabbed my nose with her chubby fist and tried to stick it in her mouth. I wouldn’t have minded so much, but the seven teeth inside my daughter’s mouth were incredibly sharp and the reason I pulled back and blew a raspberry on her belly instead.

  “You okay, sweetheart?” I heard Derek ask and I swung around, stopping dead in my tracks when my eyes fell on Lee standing in the hallway behind Derek.

  Her eyes were bloodshot and her face was deathly pale. Her body was swamped in one of my shirts and a ratty old pair of shorts. She had her curls pinned to the top of her head. “Thanks for letting me sleep in,” she said in a flat tone, not making eye contact with me. “I’ll take her while you get ready for wherever you have to be.”

  “Are you okay, baby?” I asked nervously.

  “I didn’t sleep well again,” she replied as she took Hope out of my arms and hoisted her onto her hip. “Too many monsters.”

  “Wait,” I said, grabbing her arm when she turned to walk away from me. Lifting her chin with my hand, I traced my thumb over the faded yellowish bruising running from the corner of her mouth down to her chin and spreading across her jaw. “Jesus, Lee,” I whispered. “What the hell happened to your face, baby?”

  “Don’t worry about it, Kyle,” she snapped, jerking her chin free from my grasp. “You’re already sick of my reasons and excuses, so why bother telling you now?”

  Without a word, Derek stepped toward Lee and held his hands out for Hope. She squealed happily reaching out for him. “Get out of here, guys,” he said as he hoisted my daughter onto his hip. “Take a walk. Go shopping. Hell, go have some kinky, mind-blowing, make-up sex. Hope’s gonna hang with her Uncle Derek for the day.”

  “Thanks for the offer, Derek, but I’d rather not,” Lee said, her voice thick with emotion. “I don’t feel like being debased and treated like a dog today.” With that, she turned on her heels and stalked out of the room.

  “Go after her, douchebag,” Derek hissed as he bobbed around with Hope, who was starting to fuss.

  Kicking into action I sprinted down the hallway to the lounge and threw on my clothes and shoes before hunting down Lee, who was making her way towards the staircase.

  “Please Lee,” I coaxed and grabbed her hand. “Just come with me,” I said as I half dragged her towards the front door.

  “No, Kyle,” she growled as she tried to pull her hand out of mine. “Let go,” she panted as she dug her heels into the floor. “I’m not going with you.”

  “Don’t make me put you over my shoulder,” I shot back as I opened the front door and pushed her out. “You know I will.”

  After manhandling me and forcing me into his car, Kyle cranked the engine and tore off like a bat out of hell, locking the car doors as he drove—as if I was a flight risk. “Talk to me, Lee,” Kyle begged as he pulled onto the road at the end of our driveway and headed for the hills.

  The sun was shining, thank god, and the weather was slowly heating up. The only snow visible now was on the mountain peaks above us. We were only in mid-February, but I’d seen enough snow to last me a lifetime.

  “Are you just gonna sit there like a mute?” he snapped and I edged further away from him, tucking my hands under my legs to keep warm. I couldn’t speak to him. I was too upset and didn’t trust what would come out of my mouth if I did.

  It had been a long time since I’d felt so . . . defeated. That was the problem with sadness. The longer it persisted the harder it was to defeat. I was in a rut and I knew it.

  “I’m sorry, baby,” he muttered. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

  Sighing heavily, Kyle reached his hand over and tried to capture my hand with his, but I wasn’t having any of it. I tucked my hands further under my legs and stared out my window. He had some freaking nerve . . .

  Every time over the last few weeks that I’d pumped myself up to talk to Kyle about what had happened with my father, his cruel attitude and nasty remarks had knocked the fight out of me. Kyle had spent the few weeks ignoring me, lying to my face, hiding things from me and leaving the house at the strangest hours and now, just because he had decided we should talk, he expected me to sit down and talk to him like nothing had happened.

  Well, that was too bad for him because I couldn’t turn my emotions on and off like he so obviously could.

  No. I refused to be treated this way. I was not going back to the way things had been in the beginning, where Kyle would hide things from me, treat me like crap and then pick me back up and dust me off when he felt like it.

  I wasn’t strong enough to go through that twice.

  It would kill me.

  Unable to stand the silence, I pulled the car over on a clear stretch of road and killed the engine. “Will you please talk to me?” I asked Lee—I fucking begged her. I was feeling agitated being away from Linda, but I needed to fix this. Jesus, I needed a miracle. “How can I fix this if you won’t talk to me?”

  “How can we make this relationship work if you won’t listen to me?” she murmured so softly, and in such a sad tone, I wasn’t sure I was supposed to hear.

  “I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you, okay?” I said in a gruff tone. “I am sorry, but you need to talk to me so we can work this out.” If you want to work this out . . .

  “What’s the point in talking to you, Kyle?” Lee replied in a flat tone as she sat in the passenger seat of my car with her hands tucked under her thighs. This was the first time in weeks she’d been this close to me. Granted I’d thrown her over my shoulder to get her in the car, and space was limited, but it was a start. “You only listen to what you want to hear,” she added. “I’m not going back to the way it used to be. I won’t live like that again.”

  “What are you talking about?” I shook my head. Jesus Christ. “I’m not the only one who fucked up, Lee.” I thought back to the fear I’d felt when I found her note and my anger ignited.

  “You shouldn’t . . .” I paused and inhaled a steadying breath. “You know how I feel about you going places without telling me,” I explained as calmly as I could without upsetting her further. “You know I worry. I’m an asshole, but I care. I fucking care about you so damn much and that makes me go a little crazy sometimes.”

  “You only care when it suits you, Kyle,” she shot back. “And I did not f . . .” she took a deep breath and said, “I did nothing wrong that night. I tried to explain, but you so kindly told me you were up to your eyeballs with my childish stunts.”

  “I have a lot going on, Lee,” I admitted quietly, the image of Linda’s frail body possessed my mind and I flinched. “I took my frustrations out on you,” I
croaked. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

  “You have a habit of taking things out on me, Kyle,” she sniffled. “You once said I wasn’t my father’s personal punching bag. Well, I’m not yours either.”

  My lungs deflated.

  Jesus Christ, is that how she saw me?

  Is that the way she felt I treated her.

  Did I treat her like that?

  “Lee . . .” I began to say, but she continued speaking over me.

  “You contradict yourself all the time,” she whispered as she clenched her eyes shut and shook her head. “You say I’m not in danger, but your actions tell me otherwise . . .”

  “You are safe, dammit,” I hissed as I slammed my hand on the steering wheel. She whimpered and shimmied away from me. “Sorry,” I said in a gruff tone. “You are safe, Lee.”

  “You’re wrong, Kyle,” she whispered as she clenched her eyes shut. “You want nothing but the truth from me, but you fill me up with lies. You demand to know where I am at all times, but you disappear without so much as an explanation. You tell me you love me and then you turn around and say things that make me feel like you h-hate me.”

  Shaking her head, she raised her hands to her face and pressed her thumbs to her temples. “I can’t do this, Kyle,” she whispered. “I can’t ride this roller-coaster anymore.”

  “What are you saying, princess?” My heart was thundering so loudly in my chest that it was deafening me.

  “Did you know it was Valentine’s Day the day before yesterday?” she asked softly.

  “No,” I admitted, feeling like the biggest bastard who ever graced the earth. “Lee, I’m so damn sorry . . .”

  “Did you know I had a biopsy on Thursday?” She kept her eyes shut as she spoke. “Did you know that Hope took her first step on Tuesday?”

  “She did?” I whispered, appalled at myself for not being there.

  “Yes,” Lee sobbed. “She did. Your daughter took her first step to your best friend. I tried to call you, but you never answered your phone.”