Forever We Fall

by Chloe Walsh

  “Karen,” I whispered.

  She didn’t look at me. She kept her hands on her face.

  Sighing heavily I pushed away from the mantelpiece and went to her. I was so confused I didn’t know if I wanted to roar at her or grovel at her feet. “I was eighteen, Karen.”

  Crouching down in front of her, I reached for her hand, but she pulled it away quickly. “Eighteen year old boys are renowned for their assholeness and shitty decision making skills.”

  Dropping her hand from her face, she sniffed. “I was sixteen, Derek,” she sobbed. “Sixteen year old girls shouldn’t have to do what I had to do alone.”

  “You didn’t have to do it alone,” I said, straining to keep my voice from rising as my temper flared. “That was your choice.”

  “My choice,” she laughed humorlessly. “I had no choices, Derek. None.”

  “Yes, you did.” I shook my head in disgust. “I had a right to know, Karen,” I snarled. “I had a goddamn right to know I have a son and Jordan had a right to know me.”

  “Fine,” she said waspishly. “Blame me. Put the whole damn mess on my shoulders.” She stood up quickly and stepped around me. “It’s all my fault,” she hissed as she moved to the door. “I climbed on top of myself and got pregnant.”

  Opening the door she glanced back at me. “Believe it not, Derek, everything I did, I did for you. To save you from a life I knew you’d resent me for.”

  Shaking her head, she wiped her eyes with her sleeve and inhaled a deep breath. “I’m leaving. I should have never come. This was a mistake.”

  “Jesus Christ, don’t say that,” I whispered, as I ran my hand over his head. “Just give me a chance to take this in . . .”

  I stood up slowly, every muscle in my body ached from tension. “I’m sorry,” I told her, figuring it was something she needed to hear me say. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you.”

  “Don’t be,” she said tersely. “There’s no need. As you saw he’s fine.”

  “You have to know that if I’d known I would have come home,” I groaned, feeling short for breath as the pressure around my lungs tightened.

  She shrugged, not meeting my eyes, and I knew I’d wounded her with my stupid fucking accusations. “We have to sort this out, Karen.”

  Withdrawing a piece of paper from her purse, Karen proceeded to scribble something down before folding the paper and placing it on the back of the couch.

  “That’s my number,” she mumbled, red-faced, before she opened the door and slipped out of the room.

  “Wait,” I whispered, but it was too late.

  She was gone.

  Just like Cam.

  “Well, that was a turn out for the books,” I muttered, unsure of what the hell to say to my best friend. Kyle smirked as he glanced over at me.

  He’d returned to the lounge as soon as Karen and Jordan left. “Yeah, I’d say double shit with a big dose of irresponsibility,” he growled. “What the hell, dude?”

  “You’re one to talk,” I grumbled defensively. Of all people, Kyle should understand what it felt like to have the rug pulled out from under your feet. “You messed Lee up, too.” Bringing up Kyle’s past mistakes was my pathetic attempt at taking the heat off myself.

  “Don’t give me that crap,” Kyle said firmly. “You knocked up a fucking kid, Derek. A kid.” He shook his head and glared at me. “What the hell?”

  “I didn’t know,” I mumbled pathetically. It was a crummy defense. Even I knew that.

  I was furious and terrified.

  Furious with Karen for not telling me, but mostly at myself for the small part of me that wished I’d never found out, and terrified of fatherhood. “She never said a word. Not a word, Kyle.”

  Kyle sank onto the couch beside me, rested his feet on the coffee table, and shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets. “I should have recognized her,” he admitted. “I remember her coming here.”

  “What?” I turned to gape at him. “She never came here.”

  “Well no, obviously not here,” he said in an irritated tone. “But she came to Thirteenth Street.”

  Laying his head back against the back of the couch, he closed his eyes and exhaled heavily. “Once in freshman year. She was parked out front for hours. She got out of the car and hovered around for a bit before getting back in and driving away.” Kyle opened his eyes and frowned deeply. Dropping his feet to the floor, he sat forward and rubbed his face. “And you really didn’t know?”

  I rolled my eyes in disgust. “I’m not a fucking whore, Kyle, and I’m not a child abandoner either,” I snapped. “If I had known I would have been on the first flight home.”

  Kyle seemed to ponder that for a moment. “And you never guessed? You’ve been home in the last few years. You’re tight with her asshole brother. How the hell did you not know she had a baby?”

  “I was tight with him,” I corrected. “And Danny has five sisters. One of them pops kids out like it’s going out of fashion. I just assumed that it was the oldest one whenever he mention a new addition.”

  “Well, you assumed wrong, didn’t you?” he muttered.

  “Kyle, he’s gonna kill me when he finds out,” I moaned.

  Kyle laughed and I punched him on the shoulder.

  “I mean it,” I hissed. “Danny’s gonna cut off my balls.”

  Kyle chuckled and nudged my shoulder. “Better start hitting the gym again because this is it, Derek. You have to claim the kid.” He looked me square in the eye. “You need to make this right . . . and you need to apologize,” he added smugly. “For being a dead-beat douche.”

  “I doubt there is anything I have to say that she’ll wanna hear,” I told him, cringing when I remembered the hurt in Karen’s eyes when I’d questioned Jordan’s paternity.

  “Then make her listen,” Kyle shot back. “You’re good at making women laugh and shit. Make this speech the speech of your lifetime. Fucking woo her.”

  I gaped at him. “Woo?”

  He nodded slowly. “Woo.”

  “So, would you happen to have any tips on how I woo the mother of my child” I flinched and forced the bile in my throat back down. “You seem to have done a pretty good job at wooing Lee.”

  “I’m just that good, dude,” he said cockily.

  “You’re just that fucking lucky,” I snorted. “Lee rolled over like a curly little pregnant vulnerable puppy for you. I’m dealing with a tiger, Kyle. An angry, pissed off, grudge-holding, mother tiger.”

  “Derek,” Kyle growled, nostrils flaring. “If you ever compare my wife to a dog again you won’t need to worry about Danny Valentine beating your stupid ass.”

  “What about a shiatsu or a pug?” I tossed back, not really knowing why I was winding up such a temperamental fucker, only that it was hilarious to watch his face redden. “You know the little cute ones, with the big glassy eyes.” I edged slowly away from his tense frame. “Pretty smart dogs,” I taunted. “Remember in Men in Black, the pug could talk.”

  I didn’t have time to protect myself before Kyle dragged me off the couch, grabbing me in a headlock. “Say it again, asshole,” he growled, rubbing his fist into my scalp. I knew he wasn’t putting his full strength into it, so at least he wasn’t too pissed.

  “Oh Kyle,” I choked out between fits of laughter. “I know you like it ruff, but I’m not that kind of guy.”

  “Who’s the bitch?” he demanded, when he got me down on my hands and knees. “Who’s the bitch now, mother fucker?”

  “Low blow,” I growled as Kyle laughed and climbed off me.

  “I have a kid,” I whispered as I lay on my back on the floor, staring up at Kyle’s gloating face. I have a kid . . . I churned the words around in my head until I felt I would puke.

  “Oh my fucking god, dude,” I whimpered. “Did you not hear what I just said?”

  “You got away with so much,” Kyle grumbled as he offered me a hand and pulled me to my feet. “You n
ever had to do the night feeds, change diapers—handle a hormonal woman who confused you so much that you weren’t sure if she was gonna fuck you or flip you off.”

  “This isn’t a joke, Kyle,” I warned. “This is my goddamn life.”

  “Welcome to the club, my friend,” Kyle chuckled as he patted me on the back. “You might wanna hang up your free will, testicles and pride at the door.” Grinning, he added, “Your woman and kid are gonna strip you bare. Enjoy.”

  “She’s not my woman,” I shot back defensively. “I don’t have to get with the girl in order to parent her son—our son.” Son . . . God, I was so fucking terrified. “I can have a relationship with Jordan and not be involved with Karen. Loads of people do it.”

  “Good luck trying to separate those feelings,” Kyle taunted.

  “Separating what feelings?” I asked, wondering what emotions he thought I’d have trouble separating.

  “Your heart and logic.” He grinned. “She’ll never be just your friend, Derek. She’ll never be just a woman to you.” Sighing heavily, Kyle dragged a hand through his hair and smiled to himself. “She grew your child in her body, Derek, and that knowledge will eventually hit you like a hammer to the heart. And when it finally dawns on you, my friend, you’ll truly understand what it means to be fucked.”

  “This is fucked up, baby.” I stared at Lee who was sitting across the breakfast table from me, stirring her porridge aimlessly. “Seriously, this shit makes no sense. . . . goddammit Kevin,” I muttered, shuffling my bare feet away from where the little fucker was chewing on my toe. “Out,” I ordered.

  Kevin scampered out from under the kitchen table and sauntered out of the kitchen with his nose cocked in the air . . .

  “Dada,” Hope screeched as she banged her chubby little fists on the table, demanding my attention—and the spoon of porridge I was wielding in my hand. “Mo-Mo,” she babbled, opening her mouth wide.

  I smirked at the sight of her and a pang of pain for Derek hit me square in the gut.

  He’d missed this.

  He’d missed so much of his son’s short life.

  I couldn’t imagine not being there when Hope was born or seeing her grow every day. Fuck, no wonder he was flipping out. My daughter was my greatest accomplishment—my pride and joy. If I’d been deprived of what Derek had I would be a wreck . . .

  “I know,” Lee said softly, breaking through my thoughts, as she tucked a loose curl behind her ear. “I don’t even know what to think about this.”

  “Thank you,” I blurted out suddenly, feeling very grateful for the beautiful woman sitting opposite me. “Thank you, princess.”

  “For what?” Lee asked with a smile. So fucking beautiful. Looking at her made my heart hurt and my palms sweat. Jesus, it didn’t seem to matter how much time passed. That girl would always tie me up in knots.

  “For forgiving me,” I told her honestly. “For including me in your pregnancy. For my daughter.”

  “Kyle, wait,” Lee said as she leaned over and grabbed my hand. “I was terrible to you back then,” she said with a blush.

  “No, just listen to me.” I shook my head and sighed. “I’m thankful that you stuck by me. You didn’t walk when I pushed you away. You stayed with me even when I was impossible and you loved me when I was un-lovable.” I squeezed her hand. “That makes you pretty damn perfect in my book.”

  “You know this changes everything for him,” she whispered.

  “He’s a father,” I agreed. “His whole world is gonna change and he hasn’t had nine months to get ready for it.”

  “It’s so surreal,” she whispered. “He shouldn’t have let them leave last night.” Lee rubbed her forehead with her small hand and sighed. “Kyle, she’s in love with him.”

  “I doubt it,” I muttered, finding it really hard to believe there was anything but resentment between Derek and Karen. Jesus, it sounded weird teaming Derek’s name up with any other name than Camryn . . .

  “No, she does,” Lee insisted. “She told me about Jordan’s father before.” Shaking her head she smiled almost ruefully. “She’s still in love with him by the sounds of it. If you’d heard the way she spoke about him . . . Oh god.”

  Pushing her chair back, Lee climbed to her feet and brought her bowl to the sink. “I should have guessed,” she whispered as she stared out the window. Spinning around to face me, she tugged on the hem of her shirt nervously. “She named him Jordan Derek.”

  “He should have guessed,” I countered as I wiped Hope’s face with a wet wipe. “He’s the douche who went bareback.”

  “Pot, kettle, black,” she shot back with a chuckle. “Do you think he’ll be okay?” Her tone grew agitated. “Will this set his recovery back?”

  “I hope not,” I muttered. “But I guess finding out you’re a father to a four year old is one hell of a pill to swallow.”

  “Oh, I meant to give you this yesterday,” Lee mumbled. Taking the seat next to me, she place a tattered brown envelope on the table. “It’s from her.”

  “Did you read it?” I asked as I shifted uncomfortably. I hadn’t seen one of these letters in months. Why the fuck was she doing this now? She’d confessed. It was over. Goddammit . . .

  “No,” Lee whispered, covering my hand with hers. “We’ll read it together.”

  “Here we go,” I mumbled as I ripped the envelope open and unfolded the letter . . .

  Kyle,

  You need to hurry. Time is almost up. Come now. Do not waste another second being angry with me. It won’t help you. If you don’t come she will die. It’s your choice now. I’ve done all I can to warn you. This is my final warning. The next time you receive a letter from me it will be too late.

  Rachel.

  “Well,” Lee sighed. “At least it’s not as bad as the last one.”

  “Yeah,” I muttered, folding the letter up and tucking it into my jeans pocket. “What do you think though?” Staring at Lee’s calm expression, I asked, “Do you think I should go?”

  “I don’t know, Kyle,” she replied softly, stroking my hand with her fingers. “A part of me thinks you should.”

  I gaped at her. “For real?”

  “At least we’d know for sure,” she whispered. “I’m getting pretty tired of being threatened and living in fear.” Smiling she added, “I think you should do this.”

  I nodded slowly, letting Lee’s words settle in my mind. “But I’ll call Kelsie first.” Lee scrunched up her nose and I chuckled. “I’m yours, remember?” Holding up my left hand I grinned when two red dots appeared on Lee’s cheeks. “She’ll know how I go about getting an appointment . . . or whatever the hell I need. . . .”

  The kitchen door swung open and Derek sauntered in dressed in black slacks and a crisp white shirt.

  “I need a job,” he announced as he stalked over to the kettle and poured himself a cup of coffee. Turning slowly with his cup in his hand, Derek locked eyes with me. “Today.”

  “Okay,” Lee said in a coaxing tone as she scurried over to him and adjusted his crooked tie. “Do you have an interview somewhere?” she asked softly.

  Derek stared at me and smirked. “You hiring, Mr. Carter?”

  “What about Mike?” I asked in a serious tone. “He’s still managing the place for me.”

  “I’ll cope,” Derek said in a gruff tone. “I’ve got bigger problems than him.”

  My face broke out in a wide grin. “Then hell yeah,” I chuckled. “You’re hired.”

  Derek sagged in relief. “So,” he mused. “Bar or housekeeping?”

  “Neither,” I shot back. “Get your apron out, dude, I’m putting you in the kitchen.”

  His brow rose in surprise. “Kyle, I’m not qualified.”

  “Not yet.” I smirked. “But you will be.”

  My whole body shook as I stepped onto the landing and made my way towards apartment 4B. I took a deep steadying breath as I strived to keep calm and not run back down
the stairwell and out of this building.

  Be a grown up . . .

  My nerves were in tatters all day. After I’d asked him for a job, Kyle had taken me straight to the hotel—probably because he’d been afraid I’d change my mind—and introduced me to his head-chef Jonas, who I would be working under from now on.

  Jonas was cool and I’d welcomed the challenge. I’d always worked well under pressure and I was finally going to be doing what I was actually decent at. I’d been shocked that I hadn’t been put on pot-wash, instead I’d been given full rein on the desserts.

  I wasn’t too sure how Kyle would swing it with health and safety, but I was more than prepared to do whatever course I needed to ensure an apprenticeship with Jonas. The guy was a master of food. I’d been in awe of him for most of the day, and barely had time to think about the blonde bastard running the hotel in Kyle’s absence.

  I guessed Kyle had warned Mike to keep a wide berth of me because not once during my eight-hour shift had I seen him in the restaurant. Thank god. I needed to get my ass in gear and the last thing I needed to do was beat the shit out of the manager—even if he deserved it.

  Kyle had given me a huge break and I wasn’t going to let him down. I wasn’t going to let my kid down. Yeah, I’d spent all last night and most of today with my mind focused on the black haired, green-eyed child who I’d been told less than twenty four hours ago was mine.

  Texting Karen on my lunch break had been one of the most awkward things I’d ever done, but I had a burning curiosity inside of me urging me on.

  I needed to know him.

  I had to.

  I’d been shocked when she agreed to letting me stop by after work. I’d been expecting a battle. Her cooperative behavior threw me.

  Raising my trembling hand, I knocked on her apartment door and waited. Loud scuffling noises sounded from the other side of the door moments before it flew open. I scrunched my face up, preparing for the punch I was sure to receive from Danny. When it didn’t come, I opened my eyes and let out a relieved sigh.