Forever We Fall

by Chloe Walsh

  “Hi.” Jordan stood in front of me, his eyes wide and full of excitement. “Mom says you’re my daddy.”

  “I . . .” I thrust the small parcel I’d brought with me into his hands. “Yes,” I choked out. “I’m your daddy.”

  I’m your daddy . . .

  “I’m so happy to meet you properly,” I added, crouching down to his size. “I’m so sorry I didn’t come sooner, and for upsetting you yesterday . . .”

  “That’s okay,” Jordan replied, hugging the parcel to his chest. “Mom told me you lived far away in the mountains, but I knew you’d come find me someday. I know all about you,” he giggled. “Mom and Uncle DJ told me this morning.”

  God . . .”Yeah,” I whispered, staring reverently at the child in front of me. “You’re beautiful,” I told him and immediately regretted those words when he scrunched his nose up in distaste. “You’re cool,” I amended. “Very cool.”

  He beamed at me and my heart squeezed in my chest when I noticed his front baby tooth had already fallen out. What else had I missed? Four fucking years’ worth of memories . . .

  “Mom?” he called out, opening the door for me to come in. “My dad’s here. He came. I told you he would.”

  His words stunned me. What I’d give to be four years old again–to be so accepting of change. Jordan was calling me dad . . . just like that—as if I’d been around him all his life. Jesus . . .

  “Hello Derek,” Karen said when I took a step inside her neat apartment.

  My eyes immediately locked on hers and I felt an immediate pang of worry for her. Her eyes were bloodshot. Her skin was pale. She was dressed in an old football shirt, which I knew was Danny’s, and her plain black yoga pants looked like they’d seen better days.

  “Jordan’s been waiting all day for you,” she said nervously. “He’s been counting down the hours since I told him you were stopping by.”

  “Are you hungry?” Jordan asked, tugging on my hand. Jesus, his skin was so soft. “I helped my mom bake you a cake.”

  “You can bake?” I asked, gazing down at my son in wonder.

  “Yep,” he said proudly. “My mom says I’m the best.”

  “Your mom is a very smart lady,” I told him, allowing him to tug me further into the kitchen/sitting room.

  “This is my room,” Jordan announced as he opened the first of three doors in the small hallway. “Where’s your bag?”

  “My bag?” I shook my head in confusion. “What bag, buddy?”

  “With your stuff, silly,” Jordan chuckled.

  Letting go of my hand, he rushed into his blue painted room and bounced onto his small Thomas the Tank Engine shaped bed. “You’re going to live with us, right?” Jumping up and down on his bed, he smiled. “Like Hope’s mom and dad?”

  You’re going to live with us, right?

  “I . . .” Jesus, my face broke out in a cold sweat. How the hell was I supposed to answer that?

  “No, Jordan,” I heard Karen say as she came to stand beside me. “I’ve explained this to you already.” She turned to face me, blushing furiously. “I’ve explained this to him,” she said nervously. “He just . . . I didn’t . . .”

  “Hey, it’s okay,” I said gently, not wanting her to feel upset or embarrassed. This was all on me . . .

  She’d been a teenager and I’d messed her life up. She’d given me my freedom these past four years. She’d told me as much, and I felt like a creep for throwing so much crap at her last night . . .

  Well, I wasn’t about to walk away again. No fucking way was my child growing up poor. No way in hell was the mother of my child going to scrape by. I was stepping in and I was doing it today. Cam’s face entered my mind and I forced it away. I had to . . .

  “You’ve done an amazing job with him, Karen,” I told her, my tone gruff and thick.

  “Yeah, well . . .” She shrugged and turned her face away, focusing on Jordan once more. “Your daddy will come to see you, Jordan,” she told our son in a gentle but firm tone of voice. “But Derek has his own home. He won’t be living with us, but you can see him as much as like

  “That’s not fair,” he mumbled and my heart fucking cracked clean open when I noticed the tears in his eyes. “Hope’s got a daddy,” he sobbed. “Why does she need mine?”

  “We’ll see, buddy,” I choked out, earning myself a cold stare from Karen. Shaking off her intense stare, I walked over to him and sat down on his little bed.

  “Jordan,” I said quietly, patting the mattress next to me. He immediately flopped onto his knees and shuffled over to me. “I’m gonna be here for you,” I told him, feeling more love than I’d ever felt burst through my body and shoot into this child. My child. “No matter where I live. I promise you, and I don’t break my promises. Ever.”

  “But I want you to live with me,” he whispered, dropping his head to stare at the floor. “My mom loves you, don’t you, mom?” He turned to stare at Karen. “Mom, tell him you love him so he’ll come live with us.”

  “Jordan, please stop,” Karen whimpered, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

  “It’s not that simple, Jordan,” I managed to say in an even tone, turning back to face him, ignoring the searing pain inside of me that bubbled up the moment I saw the tears in her eyes “Sometimes mommies and daddies don’t live together.”

  “I know that,” he grumbled. “But I want you and mom to be with me.”

  Sweet Jesus . . .”What do you want me to do, Jordan?” I asked in a pained voice.

  “Take my mom on a date like all the other mommies and daddies,” he replied, staring up at me with such innocence in his eyes. “Maybe if you liked my mom you would come live with us.”

  “Jordan, stop this,” I heard Karen hiss, but I couldn’t look at her again. I felt too fucking ashamed of myself.

  “I do like your mommy,” I whispered, feeling like the worst kind of human being. “She’s a great person.”

  “So you’ll take her out a date?” he asked excitedly.

  “Sure,” I choked out, swallowing deeply. “I can do that.”

  “Ask her,” he encouraged, poking me in the side.

  Karen stared at me in pure horror. “Don’t ask me to do this,” she begged. “It’s not fair.”

  “Would you like to go on a date with me, Karen?” I asked, ignoring her protests, feeling completely fucking manipulated by the little guy sitting next to me who already had a firm grip on my heart strings.

  “She never goes on dates,” Jordan piped up. “She never goes anywhere. Mrs. Carter is her first friend.”

  “Her first friend?” Jesus Christ . . .

  “Yep,” Jordan chirped. “She’s always on her own.”

  Something hit me then, something as powerful as a bulldozer, hard and forceful, knocking the air out of my lungs and the ground from beneath me. “Go out with me?” I husked, meaning every word, as I stared at the delicate little woman trembling in the doorway “Let me take you out.” Let me make this up to you . . .

  “When?” she asked warily.

  When . . .”Tonight?” I rubbed the palms of my hands against my jeans and tried to stay calm as I forced away the fucked up feeling that I was doing something wrong. That I was betraying Camryn . . .”I’ll call Kyle and Lee,” I added. “We could make a night of it?”

  “I don’t have a babysitter,” she muttered. “And DJ has a gig tonight.”

  “You still calling him that?” I asked in amusement. Karen had nicknamed Danny DJ when we were kids and she’d caught us pretending to spin decks with two saucepans. “He could come stay at my house?” I suggested. “Lee’s mother usually babysits Hope. I could ask if she’d watch Jordan.”

  “Yes,” Jordan yelled, pumping his fist in the air. “You’re the coolest,” he added before throwing his arms around me. “Thanks dad.”

  “No problem,” I mumbled, wrapping my arms around him, holding him tightly to me. “I’ll do anything for you,�
�� I whispered, my eyes locked on Karen. “Remember that.”

  She hated me.

  Yep, the mother of my—recently discovered—child hated me.

  Karen couldn’t have sat further away from me if she tried in the corner booth of Bobby’s bar, while we waited for Kyle and Lee to hurry the fuck up and break this uncomfortable silence. Lee had convinced Kyle to let her drive us here tonight, so I guessed she was on her eighth attempt at parallel parking.

  Thankfully Tracy had agreed to watch the kids, because there was no way in hell I was going to break a promise to Jordan on my first day of parenthood. Karen, however, looked pissed as hell at me and I really didn’t know what to say to her. A few shots of Dutch courage would be useful right about now . . .

  The fact that she was looking smoking hot wasn’t helping matters either. Jesus, she looked amazing tonight dressed in a pair of high-waist denim shorts, matched with a yellow shirt she had tied around her belly, revealing the tiniest sliver of skin of her stomach.

  “It’s busy tonight, huh?” I muttered, breaking the awkward silence.

  “Shit,” she hissed and grabbed my hand, squeezing tightly. “Danny’s on the way over here with that nasty bitch,” Karen growled. “He’s been out of town and I haven’t told him about you yet, so just . . . be cool, okay?”

  “Sweetheart, you’re breaking my fingers here,” I chuckled and Karen immediately released my hand and jerked away from me.

  “Sorry,” she apologized. “I don’t know my own strength sometimes.”

  “I was joking,” I smirked, trying not to laugh at the tiny woman who didn’t know her own strength.

  “I wasn’t,” she shot back, glaring at me in warning.

  “Porter,” Danny said, smiling dangerously when he reached our table. “With my baby sister.” He looked at Karen and then me. “What. The. Fuck.”

  “Chill out, you dick-douche,” Karen grumbled as she glared back at her brother. “Derek’s waiting for his friend and I’m waiting for mine. No need to get your panties in a twist.”

  Danny rolled his eyes in dramatic fashion before ushering his date into the booth. His date who looked the spitting image of . . .”Hi, I’m Cindy,” she purred. Of course you are . . .

  I smiled and gave her a polite nod before turning my attention on Karen. “Dick-douche?” I shook my head and grinned at Karen. “Care to explain?”

  She smiled shyly up at me. “It’s a combination of dickhead and douchebag.” Karen chuckled and leaned towards my ear. “Danny tests positive for both, therefore he’s a dick-douche.”

  “You’re as witty as ever,” I teased and, without thinking twice about it, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to me. She stiffened for a moment before melting into my side. “You look gorgeous tonight,” I whispered, stroking the bare skin of her arm with my thumb. “Really, really gorgeous.”

  “Why are you doing this, Derek?” She asked quietly. “Don’t say things like that to me unless you mean it.”

  “I mean it,” I told her, feeling drunk with desire. I realized I wanted her. I wanted her badly, just as badly as I had when we were kids and she was off-limits to me.

  The kick I received to the shin reminded me that as far as her brother was concerned she was still off-limits—the reason I’d crept out her bedroom window all those years ago . . .

  “Drink up, buddy,” Danny said through clenched teeth, pushing a shot-glass of Jack over to me.

  “No thanks, buddy,” I said evenly, pushing it back towards him, not daring to look at it for fear of giving in to temptation. And I was tempted. I was so fucking tempted. . . .”I don’t drink.”

  Danny threw his head back and laughed. “Since when?” Danny stared at me like I had four heads. “You turning into a saint, Porter? When have you ever refused whiskey?”

  I stared at the glass and had to ball my hands into fists. No. No, I wouldn’t. I wasn’t going to . . .

  “Leave him alone, Danny,” Karen hissed defensively, placing her hand on my shaking knee. “He said he doesn’t want it, so just get rid of it.”

  “Oh my god,” Cindy grumbled as she picked up the glass and swallowed the shot in one gulp. “There,” she gasped, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. “All gone. Calm your shit, sweetie.” She smirked at me. “Aren’t you a little young to be an alcoholic, handsome?”

  “He’s not an alcoholic,” Karen snarled, answering for me. “It’s not a crime to refuse alcohol and if you refused half the men who offered you, well, let’s just say you wouldn’t be walking around with that five inch gap between your legs.”

  Whoa . . .

  “That’s enough, Karen,” Danny warned, eyes locked on his sister. “Apologize to Cindy. Now.”

  “I’m sorry, Cindy,” Karen said sweetly. “I’m sorry you’re so inanely blind you can’t see that all my brother wants to do with you is widen that gap.”

  Standing quickly, she grabbed my hand and dragged me to my feet.

  Holy shit, she really didn’t know her own strength . . .

  “But have a great evening,” Karen added with a smirk. “I think we’ll go wait at the bar for our friends.”

  The minute Kyle and I stepped through the doors of Bobby’s bar, my heart started thumping in anticipation. I hadn’t been to many bars in my life and the thought of having some fun with my husband was making me dizzy with excitement—the fact that we were here as a favor to Derek was irrelevant. I was ready to have some fun with Kyle.

  The sound of the live band crooning out their rendition of Kings of Leon’s Use Somebody drummed through my ears and my body seemed to sway to the music without my brain’s permission.

  “I called Kelsie earlier,” Kyle whispered in my ear as we made our way over to the bar. “She arranged for me to see Rachel tomorrow at noon.” His hand was pressed against my lower back possessively. “Is that okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said, stepping sideways to avoid a group of rowdy college kids. I’d never been to this bar, but according to Kyle, Bobby’s was the place to be when he’d been in college. “I have an appointment with Dr. Michaels at eleven, but I can take the truck.”

  “Shit,” he hissed, pulling me out of the way of a drunk man who was sloshing his beer. “I forgot you get your results tomorrow,” he told me, guiding me towards the bar. “I’ll cancel.”

  “No, you won’t.” Grabbing his hand, I pressed myself to his chest and leaned up on my tippy-toes. “You need to do this,” I said, cupping his cheek. “I’ll be fine.”

  “You sure?” His blue eyes studied every inch of my face and I nodded. I was sure.

  “Fine,” he conceded, wrapping both of his arms around me. “But I’ll take the truck and you take the car.” Chuckling he added, “Otherwise you’ll need a footstep.”

  “Smart-ass,” I teased, pressing my lips to his.

  “Short-ass,” he shot back with a grin, his hands roaming dangerously close to the hem of my dress.

  “You look fucking beautiful tonight,” he husked. “But this . . .” He pulled on the fabric of my dress that was just about covering my thighs. “Is too short,” he purred, stroking my bare skin.

  The dress wasn’t something I’d normally wear—ever wear—but I’d bought it this afternoon as soon as Kyle had told me we were going clubbing. I knew I’d never win a beauty pageant, but I’d wanted to look sexy tonight, and the way Kyle’s eyes had bulged when I shuffled into the kitchen in my neck-breaking heels and glued-to-every-inch-of-my-skin, royal blue, boobtube-style dress, assured me I did . . .

  “Thank god you’re here,” I heard Karen say seconds before I was pulled out of Kyle’s arms. “I need to talk to you,” she muttered as she dragged me off in the opposite direction of the bar.

  “How’s the date going?” I asked Derek as I watched Lee strut out onto the dance-floor with Karen. Jesus Christ, she was fucking beautiful. I wasn’t happy about that dress though. Not one fucking bit. The way every guy
turned to leer at her as she danced caused my blood to boil in my veins.

  “ . . . at least I hope so,” Derek muttered. “Dude,” he snapped, clicking his fingers in front of my face. “I know you’re all loved up and that’s great, but could you give me a few fucking seconds of your time.”

  “You got it, precious,” I chuckled, tearing my eyes away from Lee and focusing on Derek’s face. “What’s up?” I asked before ordering a beer and a half dozen shots from the overly-eager waitress leaning against the counter in front of me.

  “What’s up?” Derek shook his head and glared at me. “Well, let’s see . . . oh yeah, I’m a dad,” he hissed.

  “Thanks. Keep ’em coming,” I told the waitress, handing her a couple of fifties, before tossing back a shot of whiskey and chasing it quickly with a sip of beer. Jesus, I hadn’t been out in months—years.

  Smiling happily to myself, I downed another shot glass of whiskey, twisting my head to the side when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.

  “Are you done getting reacquainted with Jack, you insensitive bastard,” Derek demanded, red-faced. “Because I happen to be having a crisis.”

  “Calm down, douchebag,” I huffed. Tossing back one more shot, I wiped the corners of my mouth and grinned down at him. “Okay, lay it on me.”

  “You know when you said I’d have trouble separating my feelings?” he asked nervously.

  “Yeah,” I lied, nodding eagerly. I hadn’t a fucking clue what he was talking about, but I decided to agree with him and see if that made him fuck off faster. “What about it?”

  “Well, it’s only been a day and I’m in trouble,” he hissed, eyes wide and confused. “Big fucking trouble, Kyle.”

  “Hang on.” I held up my hand and grabbed another shot, swallowing it quickly. It hit the fucking spot. Lee’s ass was the only thing in my vision when I spoke. “You said you’re in big trouble?” Jesus, I couldn’t wait to get her home. “How deep?”

  “Deeper than I’ve been in years,” he choked out and the fear in his voice distracted me from my wife’s bouncing tits. “What’s wrong?” I asked taking a sip of my beer. “Tell me who’s been hassling you, Der, and I’ll sort it out.”