Bad Actor

by Sarah Michelle Lynch

I hug her tighter into me. “And what did my mother want with you? We never got to that last night.”

  “Honestly, I don’t know if that’s something I should keep from you.”

  “Honestly?”

  “Yes.” She peers up at me, expectant.

  “Well I think I can guess anyway,” I admit. “I think she told you some horrid family secret of some sort, made it seem like you couldn’t mention anything to me. That you should be… allies.”

  I swallow hard. “She’s done this before?”

  “When I was seeing someone casually a few years ago, and it wasn’t even serious with that girl.”

  “What’s wrong with her?” She’s wearing a frown which I try to smooth out with a kiss.

  “I don’t know. All I know is, beneath all that crap, there’s a broken soul. She just wants to break us up with lies. Wants to control my life because she thinks she’s owed that, or something.”

  Lily looks aghast. “But I believed everything she said, Theo. I work with really ill people all the time. I’m trained to see through the bull. She made me believe every word.”

  “And she probably believed every word, Lily. She’s deranged.”

  “Yeah, and how did she end up deranged?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t. My aunt is more my mother. Karen brought me up, really. She even took me to my auditions. Mum just paid the bill.”

  I can see she’s starting to get upset, like it feels personal. “She doesn’t even really know me. How could she treat a stranger like this? She doesn’t know me at all.”

  I hold Lily against my chest and massage her scalp as I hold her. “All I know is that she’s cried more than she’s laughed over the years. And only when she thought I wasn’t looking did she cry.”

  “What about? Like, real crying? Sobbing in secret?”

  “Sobbing in secret. In the bath. In her bedroom, in the conservatory when she thought I was out of the house. It would be hysterical crying and as I got older, I would ask what it was about. She told me to leave it and I decided it was to do with my father. After all, she never remarried.”

  “But Adam said she used to holiday without you?”

  “I must be a constant reminder.”

  “So, maybe she loved him? And you’re all she has left of him.”

  “Perhaps.”

  “I still don’t get it, Theo. I’m nice. Why did she treat me like that?”

  “Because old people have developed patterns of bad behaviour they’re unlikely to grow out of, and it doesn’t matter how nice you are?”

  “But she knew when to call me… when I’d be home from work… she knew things.”

  “Listen…” I sit up and hold my hands around her arms. “It won’t matter soon anyway. I’ve been offered an audition in New York and by all accounts, it’s mine. It’s a three-hander, it’s the perfect job. If I get it, why don’t you come with me? It’ll be a new adventure.”

  She’s searching my eyes and suddenly has a thought. Reaching across for her phone, she looks through it and mumbles, “I met this woman in the bathroom last night who was asking if I had Instagram. I said I did but hadn’t posted in a while. She followed me…” She’s looking through and says, “Yes, she’s messaged me. Her name’s Yolanda Clarkson. She told me she’s a beauty brand consultant and that there are loads of brands that would want to use my face in campaigns because I’ve got amazing skin. She’s messaged me with some things… but I don’t see why I couldn’t ask her if there’s anything going in New York.”

  “Really?” I ask, astonished and a little shocked.

  “Yeah, I thought she was being weird… in the Ivy bathroom. But. Look, there’s her profile. Legit and everything.”

  “Oh bloody hell.”

  “I know. I’ve been thinking about just quitting and doing any old job for a while before deciding what I’m gonna do long term. Maybe this could be the perfect thing.”

  “Maybe it could.”

  I hold her close and she begins to fall back to sleep.

  “Theo?” she asks.

  “Yes?”

  “I wouldn’t ever hurt you, you know that, don’t you?”

  “I know that, but… my mother knows me… and when I sense something isn’t right, it eats me up until I find out what it is. You did the right thing telling me straight away or all this could’ve gone much worse.”

  I look down to see her eyes and realise she may not have heard all I was saying just then.

  I feel secretly sick with myself for ever doubting Lily, but we’re early into this relationship and for the past few years, I’ve had to watch as she’s vied for someone else. We’re navigating new territory and it’s all so new and challenging.

  On Thursday evening, wracked with fear and disillusionment and terror, I accepted Verna’s offer when she asked me out for a drink, yet again. We sat in a pub around the corner from the theatre and I sat there praying the whole time for nobody else from the cast to walk in and catch us. Thankfully, nobody did. Verna, who’s playing my mother in the play and is way too old for me, put her hand on my leg under the table and at that, I bolted from the pub – left most of my pint behind and everything. Didn’t even give her a polite goodbye.

  I ran all the way home, vomited and chastised myself for the rest of the evening. I felt utterly sick just at the thought of running off with anyone else. I don’t know why I did it, what I was thinking… I couldn’t understand myself. I vowed that night never to even toy with the idea of cheating on Lily. Not that I would. Even spending time in the company of another woman felt gross to me and made me feel and react badly. It doesn’t feel right if it’s not Lily. None of it does. Not life, not success, nothing means anything without her.

  Maybe Verna is a friend or an employee of my mother… Well, whatever she is, she has been refusing to give up for some reason. Even after the pub, she asked me out the next night and even today when I first got to the theatre, she complimented my hair.

  It’s just… wrong.

  I don’t want any other woman. Ever. Again.

  Just Lily.

  I close my eyes and she rolls over as I try to get comfortable, so I roll with her.

  “Theo,” she murmurs, and her voice sings to me as I start to fall asleep.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I wake to the most beautiful sight. There she is, love of my life, stuffing her face like a piglet in bed, the TV illuminating her gorgeous silhouette in the darkness. It feels late and when she turns to see me alive, murmurs, “My sleepy lover. Wondered when you were gonna rise.”

  “Oh god. Have I slept all day?”

  “Yes. We’ll either have to eat out tonight or order in because I’ve chomped my way through all your snacks.”

  She’s picking at bits of fruit I usually keep in the fridge to eat with my protein pancakes before a performance. She’s also got some of the chocolates left over from last week, a little bowl of nuts and some cheese and prosciutto I was planning to stuff in a baguette at some point.

  “Put all that down and come here,” I goad, and she turns to look at me, noticing the way I’m tenting the sheets.

  She slithers out of the sheets and crawls over her food, naked save for her trusty bra. I don’t know why she hasn’t taken it off or replaced it with a t-shirt or something. Perhaps it’s a new bra she wants me to appreciate. I’m certainly not averse, not with the fine lace detail making her proud, womanly bosom look even more stunning, her cleavage deep and luxurious, calling to me.

  She takes the sheet and throws it away from my body, making me naked. I keep my eyes on hers and take her waist in my hands as she sits astride me, lowering her chest until we’re almost touching lips.

  She brushes her mouth over mine, barely touching, but it’s as she simultaneously lowers her warm pussy lips to my length that I breathe suddenly more sharply. Her heat settling there, just to let me know she’s so close, makes my cock throb and twitch against her.

  “Are you revived, my lion?” she a
sks, shaking her chest in front of me as she wildly ruffles my hair with both hands.

  “Do you want me to get it cut?” I catch my breath at the sight of her, so confident up on top.

  “No,” she protests, “I love your hair like this. You’re a hunk.”

  “What about a beard?”

  “I’ve never seen you with stubble, let alone a beard.”

  “It grows too black,” I admit. “And in winter I’m so pale. It looks frightening.”

  “You grew it out once?”

  “For a tour, yeah. I didn’t like it. All the scratching. It’s not me.”

  “I love you clean shaven,” she says, lowering her mouth to my ear, “you have a jaw that deserves to be shown off.”

  She kisses her way along my jaw, then my throat. When she reaches the middle of my chest, she lifts her eyes to mine and giggles. She has something in mind.

  She slips down the bed until finding my cock, licking my length and grinning. She takes the tip in her mouth and a throaty chuckle leaves her when my cock bounces up against her cheek in protest, wanting more.

  Gradually she spins until I see what she’s doing and help her out. She climbs back on top of me, but this time backwards. We’re 69’ing in no time.

  Her hair spills all over my body as she sucks and licks my cock, almost to the point of explosion. So many times, I almost come, just because…

  But I focus on her, too. Her delicious folds and little pucker are within very easy reaching distance and I rub my index finger against her little rosebud as I also lick lightly through her wetness.

  “Theo, don’t stop.”

  It takes no time at all for her to start rocking over my face, my finger easily slipping in her arse as she rides my tongue. I catch her clit between my lips and knead her as she comes, slicking my mouth and tongue.

  Then what she does next surprises me.

  Instead of pulling off me, she slips even further down my body and lifts my balls, and also my legs, like I’m a girl – as she’s done a couple of times before – exposing my arsehole to the air.

  Tonguing me right there, she groans as I become slick with desire and I feel her slip a finger into me. My ball is in her mouth, but in the breath after that, she’s getting up and moving into position.

  I’m suddenly with my knees spread wide, but she takes my cock inside her cunt and I’m buried deep as she squats over me, still with her finger buried in my arse.

  The most enormous orgasm I’ve ever experienced begins to build in the recesses of my body as she grunts and milks my cock at the same time as finding my g-spot and exploiting her discovery, gently thrashing that tiny spot inside me until I beg her not to keep going, it’s too tender and something’s happening I can’t explain.

  She removes her finger and keeps fucking me but then it doesn’t feel the same again and I beg her to return, but only very, very gently.

  It takes two little brushes of her finger for me to lose control, exploding deep inside her tight cunt as my cock leaks and my arse does, all at the same time. I’ve never felt broken open before, must this be what it’s like for her? She falls forward and recovers for a little while, then she’s up on her feet and heading to the bathroom where I hear her washing.

  When she returns she’s wearing a grin, but also, the bra remains. She takes all the food off the bed and carries it to the kitchen counter, leaving it there. Crawling back into my arms, she kisses the tip of my nose and whispers, “I’m not ovulating, but I will be soon. We could maybe keep doing it just for this weekend, or we could…”

  “Whatever you want,” I tell her, eager to please.

  “I may be ovulating next weekend but I can’t visit then. It’s my sister’s birthday and she doesn’t have many friends, so I have to go round and be with them.”

  “I’ll come up, if you like?”

  “You will?” She brightens.

  “Yes, it’s my turn. Plus, I need to see my mother.”

  “Oh, no.” She looks horrified. “No. She’s old, Theo. Let her off this time.”

  “I will, but I’m going to tell her she failed. That she’ll continue to fail. That she’d better get used to failing.”

  “If you’re sure.”

  “I’m sure. I’m also going to pick up some of my other things. Clothes and stuff. I’m not keeping any spares there anymore. I’ll keep them at yours. That okay?”

  “Sure, it’s okay. It’s great.”

  I tug her into me and the way we fit together, and how good it feels to be naked with her, makes me harden all over again. We kiss lying down, her soft, glorious body beneath mine, our arms around each other. I take my time kissing her endlessly, drinking every little gasp she emits, every moan and cry of pleasure.

  I ping open her bra and it slides down her arms and off. Her breasts released, she sighs and draws me into her neck as I roll fully on top, slipping inside her easily. Kissing her throat, I murmur, “I’ll wear condoms next weekend. I’m not going to make you pregnant before we’re married. Is that okay?”

  “Better enjoy it while we can then.” She spreads her legs wide and grips my butt with her toes, rocking with me as I fuck her, long and deep, fast and short, then circling and rolling sensually, until her cheeks are rosy and she’s clinging to my neck.

  Resistant to coming again, I realise we have to change it up because she’s already come so many times. I get her up on all fours and do her doggy – a position we haven’t tried yet. I usually shy away from this because I’m so big and she’s so tight. It feels a bit wrong to be doing her like this.

  However, she really gets into it, shoving back against me and testing how much of me she can comfortably take. We get into a nice, comfortable rhythm and then I feel her fingers brush against my cock as she’s fingering herself.

  I slap her arse and she spreads her knees far apart, giving me even more.

  “Harder, Theo.”

  “Fucking hell, woman.” I slap her again and she groans from her gut, shoving back against me even more.

  She clamps down around me so hard I can hardly bear it but when she jizzes all around me, still milking the length of me, I feel a wave of euphoria sweep over me as she moans without constraint, her cries different… ones of pure, pure pleasure as she comes vaginally and clitorally, all at the same time, her body completely overwhelmed. I shoot deep into her, enjoying how much of me is buried in her like this. I withdraw wet and sore, wondering if I even have one more fuck left in me this lifetime, let alone tonight.

  We’re exhausted and fall onto the bed, side by side, her head surrounded by my arms, her leg wrapped around my waist.

  I can’t help what’s bubbling inside my chest and I blurt out, “What was it like with Paul? Was it this good?”

  “Theo,” she says, chastising me, “come on.”

  “I’m interested.”

  “You’re trying to punish yourself.”

  “Only if you tell me it was better.”

  “It wasn’t better,” she says, groaning because she fell for that one.

  “It wasn’t?”

  She’s ignores my request for a few minutes, then she tries to explain. “It was kind of illicit at first. Obviously. I think it would have been pretty standard if not for that.”

  “I understand.”

  “We did have anal sex. I really enjoyed that. That was the best thing we did.”

  My jaw clenches and she must sense my tension because she pulls back with an annoyed face on her. “You asked, Theo.”

  “As if I’ll be able to get in there, Lily. I’m too big.”

  “You’ve been in there, Theo. Remember? That was the best sex of my entire life.”

  “The fisting?” I’m so surprised.

  “Yes, no lie.”

  “You liked that? I thought maybe afterwards you woke up and decided it was gross, after all.”

  “No, I bloody loved it. We don’t have to just use your cock and hands, you know. We can get toys and little outfits. We can get
some lube and… see what happens.”

  My mouth goes dry and I ask, “He was good, then?”

  “There’s no comparison, really. None at all.”

  I fear what she’s saying, when she expands: “He wasn’t bad. I suppose some women would think he’s good compared to other men. By other men, I mean Ian. Ian was okay. He was the second biggest I’ve had.”

  “Second? The way he went about, you’d have thought he was cock of the walk.”

  She punches me, only playfully. “He was the next biggest. You’re the biggest. Anyway, Ian’s size was really all he had going for him and the fact that when we were first together, I was young and foolish and unable to see through him. I felt like I was mature or something, being with an older guy. But towards the end, he was utter shite in bed and I hated it. I even used to avoid it, as much as possible, and he became vile to me. He wasn’t trying, not in life, not in bed either. He’s gone back to his ex you know, engaged and everything. He’s teaching in a school. Not on very much money, I hear, but he apparently is happy.”

  “Fucking repulsive.”

  “Truly, truly repulsive. Don’t know what I ever saw in that idiot. He gave up, didn’t he?”

  “Sure did.” I stroke her hair and decide we have to get back to Paul. “You changed the subject. So, you did like it with Paul?”

  “I suppose. But it wasn’t real.”

  “Wasn’t real?”

  “No. After the miscarriage but before you and I got together, I’d think back to times I was with him and I’d see it all in a new light. Like, when we did the anal, was he actually thinking about anal with someone else? Was it better with someone else? Was it dirty to him instead of being a beautiful thing? I gave myself to him like that because I loved him, but did he ever believe me when I said that? Did I ever really mean it, or was I saying it to try and heal a wound? Was it my broken teenage heart that never healed which was saying ‘I love you’ or was it the present me who really did love him? That’s the thing, when the trust is broken, all that you thought you had is immediately shattered. It’s all stained and you can’t look back on any of it with any kind of romantic notion. My body might have enjoyed some of it, I might even have thought it was the best I was ever going to get, but then I sank into your arms and found a whole new level of connection.”