The Bible, the Old Testament

by Spike Milligan

  “Amen,” said the Israelites.

  “To the priest,” said the Lord, “thou shall give to the priest an ox or a sheep, but only the best cuts, the first of thy corn, thy best wine, thine best oil, the first fleece of thy best sheep.”

  And the children of Israel said, “Lord, we’ll have bugger-all left.”

  The Lord was wrath. “Do you want to go to arbitration?”

  There beath no comeback as the Israelites were sore afraid and their solicitor was on holiday.

  The Lord said, “Behold, the priest shall also eat food that cometh from the sale of his patrimony, which is a two-bedroom flat, £8,000 ono.”

  A low moan ariseth from the priest; he prostrateth himself at the altar and said, “£8,000 it’s a giveaway.”

  12. The Lord said, “There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or daughter pass through the fire.”

  “Lord,” said the Israelites, “we could make anyone pass through the fire; it goes up the chimney.”

  The Lord said, “There shall be no wizards, witches, TV show host, an enchanter or a necromancer; these are abominations the Lord God will drive them out – they are all on the 9.20 to Glasgow.”

  13. “Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God.”

  “We are perfect with you, Lord,” said the children of Israel; “it’s the bloody neighbours.”

  The Lord said, “I will give unto thee a prophet.”

  “We could do with a profit,” said the Israelites. He bade them divide the land and submit plans to the Borough Council to build three cities; one city will be for wrongdoers, like a man who maketh a living pulling short measure beer. He can flee to a city called Birmingham where he will never be found. Two more cities they built: King’s Cross. And the Lord spoke of the law. “A life for a life, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, a piano for a piano, a deepfreeze for a deepfreeze, and a foot for a foot. Innocent blood must not be spilt; use a Band Aid. And thou shall not remove thy neighbour’s landmark.”

  “But it’s the Sheraton,” said a voice.

  “When thou goest to battle be not afraid, for the Lord is there to fight for you.”

  And the Israelites said, “Good, we’ll stand and watch.”

  “And any men in ye battle line, that hath betrothed a wife and not yet taken her, let him return to his house, lest he die in battle, and another man take her.”

  And lo, the army of Israel disappeareth.

  14. After extra time the Israelites beat the Canaanites and the Lord said, “Thy beaten enemy will serve thee.”

  “Twenty beers and three whiskies,” said the Israelites.

  “Ye shall battle and destroy the Amorites, Perizzites, Hittites, Tottenham Hotspur, Arsenal, the Hivites and the Parasites.” The case was adjourned ‘till after lunch. The Lord spake [spoke? speak?] “When thou besiege a city, thou shalt not destroy the trees, for thou must eat of them.”

  The Israelites gave a low moan. “We have to eat trees. Lord?”

  “Only trees that be not meat, thou shalt cut down.”

  “What for?” said the Israelites.

  “Bulwarks,” said the Lord.

  “And bulwarks to you,” said the Israelites.

  15. Of wars, the Lord spake from a deck chair. “If seest among battle captives a beautiful woman thou desirest, take her home and shave her head.”

  “Lord, that’s kinky,” said the Israelites. “More daddy.”

  “Next,” said the Lord, “pare her nails.”

  “What about the black stockings and suspender belt?” cried the Israelites.

  The Lord loseth heart, and was cast down. “If,” said the Lord, “thou lose interest in her, let her go where she will; thou will not sell her for money, but charge by the hour, that or place her with the Alfred Marks Bureau. If a man have two wives, one beloved, and one hated.”

  “Keep the ones with the big boobs,” said an Israelite voice.

  16. “Now,” said the Lord from 300a Bargery Road, Catford, “if a wife bear a son and he is stubborn and rebellious and will not obey – kill him.”

  “Lord,” said the Israelites, “is there no alternative?”

  “Yes, there’s always a recording contract. I am the Lord thy God, and a bit of a goer. If a man commit murder, hang him on a tree.”

  “There are no trees in the desert, Lord,” said the Israelites.

  “Then hang him on the wall.”

  “Amen,” said the Israelites.

  The Lord appeared in a pillar of cloud and couldn’t see a thing: “If thy brother’s sheep go astray, bring them back to thy brother; the rate for finding sheep is three shekels an hour. The same applieth to thine brother’s ass; thou must not be cruel and kick his ass. Thou shalt not plough with an ox and ass together because they go sideways…Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and leather together.”

  “This will kill the trade,” said the Israelites.

  17. The Lord appeared in a new ball of fire with better insulation and said, “If a man taketh a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her…”

  “Hard bloody luck,” said the Israelites.

  The Lord said, “If a man find a damsel that is a virgin and lay with her; he shall give her father a hundred silver shekels.”

  “It’s too much,” said a voice. “We’ve seen her.”

  “I am the Lord God who took you out of Egypt, etc., etc”

  “It’s the commercial,” said the Israelites.

  The Lord said, “He that is wounded in the stones; or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter the congregation.”

  “It’s his own fault,” said the Israelites; “he kept a Rottweiler.”

  18. “If a man among you is not clean by reason of that which chanceth him in the middle of the night, then open all the windows and be rid of it. When evening come, let him goeth out the camp and wash his parts; when the sun is down, let him return to the camp with a room next to the WC.”

  And they praised the Lord in his wisdom.

  The Lord appeareth in a further pillar of cloud fitted with double glazing. “Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shall go abroad; it is called timeshare. And thou shalt have a paddle*, that when thou ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which has come from thee. And let there be Andrex…Thou shalt not bring the hire of a whore, or the price of a dog, into the house of the Lord.”

  ≡ Shovel.

  “Don’t worry,” said the Israelites, “we won’t use your house.”

  19. “Tsu, tsu,” said the Lord, “when thou shalt vow a vow unto the Lord, thou shalt not slack to pay it, and thou dost pay; it must be cash. When a man taketh a wife, and has found uncleanness in her, like the dishes, let him write her a bill of divorcement and send her out to post it, then change the locks on the doors. If she become another man’s wife…”

  “Sell him her clothes,” said the Israelites.

  The Lord appeared in a Mark II fiery bush with asbestos shields: “When a man taketh a new wife, he shall not go to war, neither shall he do any business but stay at home and cheer his wife.”

  “Who’ll look after the shop?” said the Israelites.

  20. The Lord spoke. “If a man stealeth from one of the children of Israel and maketh merchandise, he shall die unless he pay it all back with interest.”

  “We’d rather die,” sayeth the children of Israel.

  The Lord spoke, “Take heed in the plague of leprosy, for if thine legs fall off surely thou has it. Now remember what the Lord thy God did unto Miriam after ye left Egypt.”

  The children of Israel couldn’t remember what God had done to Miriam, but many of the children of Israel doth gossip.

  “If a man be poor, thou shalt not sleep with his pledge, but keep the ticket in the office. Remember the poor of the parish.”

  “We are the poor of the parish,” said the children of Israel.

  21. The Lord returned in a new pillar of
cloud fitted with de-misters. “If thou cuttest down the harvest put some aside for the stranger, the fatherless and the widow. If thou beatest thine olive trees, put some aside for the stranger, the fatherless and the widow. When thou gatherest grapes, put some aside for the stranger, the fatherless and the widow.”

  The stranger, the fatherless and the widow then went on to open a thriving grocery shop.

  The Lord spake, “If a man like not to take his dead brother’s wife, then shall his brother’s wife go with him to the elders, loose his shoe from his foot and spit in his face, and for ever more his shall be called in Israel ‘the house of the man that hath his shoe loosed’. [Big Deal.] When men strive together, the wife draweth near to her husband, putteth forth her hand and take him by the secrets.”

  22. “We come to weights and measures,” said the Lord, and a great hush fell over the children of Israel, many of whom kept shops. The Lord said, “Thou shalt not have in thy bag divers weights, great and small.”

  A shudder went though the children of Israel.

  “Thou shalt have perfect measures and just weights.”

  A great groan came from the children of Israel.

  The Lord heard and said, “Did I not bring you to the land of milk and honey?”

  They said, “Yes, Lord, but the milk goes off very quickly.”

  The Lord was wrath, the Israelites were funnier than him. “Remember what Amalek did unto thee when ye came forth from Egypt?”

  No, the children of Israel couldn’t remember, which was a pity because neither could God.

  23. “Now,” said the Lord, “take the first fruits of the earth.”

  “They’re prunes, Lord,” said the Israelites.

  “Take them unto the priest and he shall eat of them.”

  And they took the prunes and the priest eateth them, and soon he got them badly.

  “Remember,” said the Lord, “I brought you out of the wilderness with outstretched arms and signs ‘This way to the milk and honey’.” Then the Lord disappeared and was gone.

  24. And the Israelites said, “Look down on us, O Lord, and bless thy people that liveth in the land of milk and honey but what we want is oil.”

  And Moses said, “Hello, I’m back. This day thou art become the people of the Lord.”

  “Do we have to sign anything?” said the children of Israel.

  Moses said, “Thou shall stand upon Mount Gerizim and curse the Canaanites.”

  So the Israelites stood there and shouted, “You Canaanites are a lot of bastards.”

  Moses said, “The law says cursed be the man who makes a graven image in a secret place like Golders Green post office.”

  25. “Cursed be he who setteth fire to his mother or father. Cursed be he who removeth his neighbour’s landmark, like Canary Wharf. Cursed be he who maketh the blind to wander out of his way, or under a bus. Cursed be he who lieth with his father’s wife; because [wait for it] he uncovereth his father’s skirt. Cursed be he who lieth with his mother-in-law.”

  “Give him a medal,” said the Israelites.

  Moses gave a smile – the only one in the whole Bible. “Children,” he said, “blessed shalt thou be in the city, blessed be thou in the field.”

  “The city is better, there’s more business,” said the Israelites.

  “Blessed,” said Moses, “shalt thou be when thou comes in, blessed shall thou be when thou goest out.”

  “What about when you’re only halfway in and halfway out?” said the Israelites.

  Moses turned a deaf ear and a rheumatic elbow. “The Lord shall cause thine enemies that rise up against you to be smitten before your face.”

  “We don’t need any of that,” said the Israelites.

  26. Moses went on: “The Lord said thou shall lend unto many nations, but thou must not borrow.”

  A groan of despair came from the children of Israel. “The mortgage, what about the mortgage?” they wailed.

  Moses said, “The Lord shall make thee the head, and not the tail; thou shall be above only, and not be beneath.”

  There was a pause and a voice said, “He’s pissed.”

  Moses said, “If you hearken not to the Lord, He will smite thee with a consumption, a fever, an inflammation, burning in the loins and mildew.”

  “Who’s going to argue?” said the Israelites.

  27. Moses hadn’t finished the threats. “The Lord will cause thine enemy to punish thee. Thou will flee seven ways before them, mostly ‘B’ roads. The Lord will smite thee with, and I have the list here: with the botch of Egypt, haemorrhoids, the scab and the itch. He will smite thee on the knees and in the legs with a sore botch that cannot be healed.”

  “Thank God we’re all on B UP A,” said the Israelites.

  Moses said, “The Lord will smite thee with madness.”

  “Tell Him not to worry, we’ve got enough,” said the Israelites.

  Moses went on: “The Lord will smite thee with blindness; thou shall grope at midday.”

  This frightened not the Israelites as they gropeth at all times.

  The Lord said: “Time will come when these things will come to you, the blessing and the curse.”

  “Make up your mind, God,” said the Israelites. “One day we’re all sinners being cursed, the next day we’re the chosen children of God; half of us are under a psychiatrist.”

  28. The Lord heard them not as his pillar of cloud was soundproofed.

  Moses came and spake unto all Israel. “I am an hundred and twenty years old this day.”

  “Happy birthday to you,” sang the crowd.

  Moses said, “I can no more go out or come in.”

  “Then where are you?” said the Israelites.

  Moses said, “The Lord said I shall not go over the Jordan.”

  Cries of Shame! and You need a holiday.

  29. Moses said, “The Lord shall go across the Jordan to the promised land and do all travel arrangements with Thomsons.”

  And Moses said unto Joshua, “Go thou to Jordan and prepare the land that the Israelites may possess it. Take a solicitor.”

  And the Lord said unto Moses, “Behold, the days approach when thou must die.”

  “I know, Lord,” said Moses, “that’s why I sleep in a coffin.”

  30. And the Lord appeared in the tabernacle in a pillar of cloud, and the pillar of cloud stood over the tabernacle causing condensation, rust, mildew and verdigris. And the Lord said unto Moses, “Thou sleep with thy fa thers.”

  “Lord,” said Moses, “there’s only room for one in the coffin.”

  31. In time the Lord would take His children unto the land of milk, honey and cholesterol. When Moses had finished the law book, he offered it to Michael Joseph, who published it under the pen name of Jeffrey Archer. And he placed publishers’ copies on the ark of the covenant at a knockdown price of £7.50. And he spoke to the Levites who carry the ark. “I know thy rebellion and stiff neck; believe me, it’s better than piles.” Here he inserteth a suppository. “Call all the elders of the tribe that I may speak words in their ears or any other orifice that works.”

  32. “Remember the days of old, consider the years of old generations, ask thy father and he will show you rheumatism. Jacob is the Lord’s inheritance. He found him in a desert, a real yobbo, in the waste of a howling dead land. East Ham, he crieth out “‘ere we go, ‘ere we go, ‘ere we go”, but the Lord quietened him with six packs of Fosters, and He instructeth him in the ways of the Lord.”

  Moses paused to take a Novmison and said, “As an eagle stirreth up her nest over her young, spreadeth her wings, taketh her young and bear them on her wings.” [Wrong. There is no record of an eagle carrying her chicks on her wings.]

  Moses groaned, “Don’t quote me,” he said, “I’m under contract to Penguin.” He continued in the death-is-apparent position. “The Lord took Jacob and made him ride the highest places on earth, where he nearly died through lack of oxygen, he made him suck honey [wait for it] out of the rock,
and oil out of the flinty rod.”

  What he needed was a rig.

  33. The Lord said, “Fire is kindled in mine anger and set on fire, the foundations of the mountains. They shall be burnt with hunger, devoured with burning heat, all will be destruction. I will send the teeth of beasts upon them, the sword without, the terror within, all will die the young man, the virgin, the man with grey hairs.”

  “Same time tomorrow, Lord?” sayeth Moses.

  The children of Israel were wrath. This Lord, one day He’s okay, next day He’s going to set fire to the world, was He on something?

  The Lord started early the next day at 6.30. “To me belongeth vengeance.”

  “He’s off again,” said the Israelites. “Silence,” said the Lord.

  34. “Thine religion is thy rock – that rock shall be all the hours of the day.”

  “Lord,” said the baffled Israelites, “does that mean rock around the clock?”

  The Lord in his pillar of cloud smote His chest as He knew not what the children of Israel meant, relations were strained, they were put in a muslin bag and squeezed.

  The Lord said, “I lift up my hand to heaven and say I live forevermore.”

  Genealogists say there is no evidence of a man holding up his hand to heaven has ever lived for ever, the oldest was ninety-three and came from Slough. Moses said, “Beware of all that is false.”

  “Does that go for teeth?” said the Israelites.

  Moses said, “The Lord came from Sinai and He came with ten thousand saints, though a poll only showed three hundred; the rest were workers for Datsun on a day out.”

  35. From the Lord’s right hand went a fiery law.

  The Israelites were glad they had fitted smoke detectors.

  And of Levi, the Lord said, “Let thy Thummim and Urim be. I’ll say that again, Thummim and Urim be thy holy one. Thou shalt put incense before thee and put the whole burnt sacrifice on thine altar. Let Reuben live and not die.”

  “Why me?” said Reuben. [Who he?]

  The Lord worked in mysterious ways and these were some of them.

  Moses said, “To the Lord belongeth vengeance [again?], thy foot will slide in due time – because there’s a lot of it about.”