The Bible, the Old Testament

by Spike Milligan

  6. Deborah, who had walked back from the battle, checked the meter on the late Sisera’s chariot; it showed one thousand nine hundred shekels. “You’ll never see that now,” said Jael. Jael took Barak and said, “Come, I will show you the man thou seek,” and he came in the tent and there lay Sisera dead with nails in his temple.

  Barak said to her, “Tell me, what were you trying to make?”

  7. Under a date palm, which was a low rental prop erty, Deborah sang praises. Her voice made you think her fanny was on fire. “Hear, O ye kings; give ear.”

  “Give over,” said the Israelites.

  “Lord,” said Deborah, “when thou marchedst out, the earth trembled, the heavens dropped, the clouds also dropped water, and there was a prediction of an early frost with snow on high ground.”

  And the Lord appeared in a new enlarged pillar of cloud as He had friends in.

  Deborah sang the praise of Jael, how she killed Sisera. “At her feet,” she sang, “he bowed [all with a nail in his nut], he fell, he lay down [tra la la, the blood running down his face]: where he bowed, there he fell down dead [tra la la la la].” This song went straight into the charts; there was nowhere else for it to go.

  8A. And the Bible says, Awake, awake Deborah from under your palm tree awake, awake, utter a song, arise. Deborah sang of the late-night revellers. “Ye that ride white asses, get thine asses out of here.” And it came to pass that kings came and fought. They took no gain of money, but there was a silver collection in the interval. To the Israelites the Lord spoke from a burning bush with air-conditioning. “I am thy Lord God, but ye have not obeyed my voice.”

  “Well, you haven’t given us any orders,” said the Israelites.

  8B. And there was Gideon, who threshed wheat at night by the wine vat, in case customs officers came looking for an illicit still.

  And the angel of the Lord said unto him, “The Lord is with thee, thou mighty man of valour.”

  “Gee, thanks,” said Gideon. “Can you fill in the details?”

  9. The angel crossed his legs [poor circulation]. “Thou Gideon will save Israel.”

  “Hasn’t it been saved enough?” said Gideon.

  “Thou shall smite the Midianites as one man,” said the angel.

  “I am only one man,” said Gideon.

  The angel of the Lord uncrossed his legs.

  Gideon said, “If I’m to smite, smeet and smote the Midianites, then shew me a sign from the Lord that thou talkest with me.”

  And the angel said, “Thou will have a sign 6×4 saying ‘This way to the battle’.”

  Then Gideon made ready a kid, half a pound unleavened cakes of ephah flour; 4 oz the flesh, and two veg. He put them in a basket and broth in a pot. “I’ve brought lunch for the Lord,” said Gideon. The angel of the Lord said, “Place all the food on that rock.”

  Gideon did so.

  The angel touched the meal with a staff. Lo, great flames burst from the rock and burnt the meal to ashes. The angel of the Lord departed out of sight.

  10. Gideon swore and said, “I’ll get him for this.”

  The Lord said, “Peace on you.”

  Gideon said, “Peace on you too.”

  Then Gideon said, “Why did thou burn the lunch?”

  And the Lord said, “There was a breakdown in communications and there’s no such thing as a free lunch; fear not, thou shalt not die.”

  “Oh, ta,” said Gideon.

  Israel: It is reported that today three hundred Israelite troops under Gideon drove the Midianites from the village. Most of them were slewn and slain, casualties among Israelite forces were light. God has blessed Gideon personally.

  11. Gideon had the wind and let go a blast on his trumpet and was much relieved, but it cleared the room. And Gideon came to the Jordan, he and his three hundred men passed over. Many were faint with hunger, and he asked the people of Succoth for bread.

  “Dost thou want white or wholemeal?” they asked.

  “Wholemeal,” said Gideon; “it’s higher in fibre.”

  But the princes of Succoth sayeth, “Ye have attacked our allies, the Midianites. Why should we give you bread?”

  Gideon was wrath. “When I have slain the Midianites, I will tear your flesh with thorns of the wilderness.”

  “Oh, you spiteful little swine,” said the princes.

  Gideon then went unto the men of Penuel and they told him to piss off.

  Gideon said, “When this war is over, I’ll break down this tower.” And the Penuel said, “Thou canst, it is Listed Grade One.”

  12. And Gideon was sore afraid. He went on and slew a few more Midianites, and they surrendered and said, “Sorry.”

  Then Gideon said, “Will every woman throw down her earrings.” And the weight of the golden earrings came to one thousand seven hundred shekels, which Gideon deposited with the Bradford and Bingley. Thus were the Midianites subdued, and lifted up their heads no more and kept walking into lampposts. Gideon had threescore and ten sons and a worn willy for he had many wives. Gideon died at a great age and had to be lifted off. As soon as Gideon was dead, the children of Israel went worshipping Baalberith and went a-whoring, a good time was had by all.

  13. The next Biblical butcher was Abimelech, the son of Jerubbaal. He said, “Who shall lead you, my forty brothers or me?”

  And they said, “You.”

  He said, “I’ll need expenses.” So they drew forty shekels from the Halifax. With this he hired some men, they all went into his father’s house and slew his brethren, leaving a note on the mantelpiece saying there’d be forty fewer for dinner.

  14. For this work, they made Abimelech king; in those distant Biblical days promotion came very quickly. One didn’t become a prince first and wait for mother to die. And the elders spoke to a tree asking if Abimelech was a wise choice. “If ye have dealt truly with Jerubbaal, then let him be king, if not, let fire come out from Abimelech.” As it spoke, Abimelech’s trousers caught fire and through the screams came the smell of burning hairs. And Jotham [whoever he was] fled with his trousers on fire and stayed long in the River Jordan, cooling his scorched parts. Apart from a funny walk, Abimelech reigned three years without being tumbled. Then God [yes, He’s back on the scene folks] sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the men of Shechem. It was an English plumber who whispered into Abimelech’s ear: “‘Ere, you didn’t ‘arf do up your bruvvers proper.”

  15. Abimelech was afeared and clenched the cheeks of his bum together. There rose up among the people a young solicitor called Gaal and he fortified a city. But Abimelech laid siege to the city and Gaal shouted from the ramparts, “You’ll be charged with breaking and entering and GBH.”

  A certain woman cast a millstone on Abimelech and it broke his head. “You’ll pay for this,” he shouted at the woman.

  “No, no,” she cried, “I did it for free.”

  Abimelech said, “I am dying, tell my wife the rent money is in the tea caddy.” So died a tyrant; the woman went on to become Mrs Thatcher.

  16. And the children of Israel, egged on by the English plumber, did evil again, and the Lord’s anger was hot against Israel [but cool round the back] and He sold them into the hands of the Philistines. The sale price was not revealed, and the Israelites were woe, and the Lord said, “Did I not deliver you from the Egyp tians?”

  “Yes, yes, we know all that, what about this?”

  17. Now Jephthah was a mighty man, chest expanded forty-five inches. He was the son of a harlot, his foster mother had two sons. They thrust Jephthah out of the home via the cat flap because: “Thou art the son of a ‘strange woman’.” He fled to the land of Tob and there gathered ‘vain men’, who went out with him and they sayeth, “Verily, he must be gay.”

  18. “Ammon declares war on Israel,” said the Jewish Chronicle. Lo, the elders of Israel ran like the clappers to Jephthah, chest expanded forty-five inches and asked him to lead the Israelites. “Do you know my mother was strange?”

  “That’
s what they’re saying about you,” said the elders. “Yea, I will lead the Israelites, but it’s five shekels an hour and I want a meter on my chariots.”

  A three-year contract was signed with a get-out clause. And yet again Jephthah smote the Ammonites; this was the ninetieth time they’d been smoted. Jephthah rode his chariot over them at three shekels a mile.

  19. Having beaten the shit out of the Ammonites he returned home. Behold, his daughter came out to greet him with timbrels and with dances. “It’s the latest craze, Dad,” she said.

  “Get dressed at once,” he said. “Go; go to the mountains and bewail your virginity for two months.” So she went but came back bewailing the loss of her virginity.

  20. In time Jephthah becameth old in his time and he snuffeth it. And the children of Israel wailed as there were still debts outstanding. He left no money for his funeral so he was burned in a paper bag. Straightaway, oh woe, the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the Lord. He couldn’t help seeing them on His pillar of cloud, which now had wraparound windows. “You dirty little devils,” He shouteth out to them. And the Lord was wrath as they make certain signs at Him.

  21. There was a man named Manoah; his wife was barren even though he tried testosterone. An angel of the Lord appeared unto the woman and said, “Thou shall bear a son; I pray thee, drink not wine nor strong drink.”

  The woman ran and fetched her husband and they saw the angel and Manoah said, “You say my wife will bear a child – is this private or National Health?”

  “She must not drink wine or strong drink,” said the angel.

  “Does that go for me too?” said Manoah. The angel said, “No.”

  “Would you stay for a burnt offering?” said Manoah. “Nay, you must make it to the Lord. A light supper would do.”

  22. So Manoah took a leg of lamb, half a pound of potatoes, 2 oz chopped carrots, and he put them on the fire on a rock to simmer for half an hour. It came to pass, a flame shot up from the rock towards heaven, taking the angel and the dinner with it. And Manoah and his wife both fell on their faces on the ground.

  Manoah said, “We have seen God, surely we must die.”

  “No, no,” said his wife. “No, you don’t die from God, you die from bronchitis.” In time the woman bore a son, and the father got bronchitis. They called the child Samson for that was his name. And Samson grew until he was inside leg thirty-nine. And Samson went down to Timnath and saw a woman inside leg thirty-eight. And he told his father that he had seen this Philistine woman and would wed her. His father, in between coughing, was wrath. “Why pick ye a woman from the uncircumcised Philistines; when she sees yours she will surely faint.”

  23. So Samson, his mother and father went down to Timnath and, behold, a young lion sprang on them. And Samson rent the lion and said, “Look, folks, it’s rent-a-lion.” Samson went down and talked with the woman and she pleased him much; it only took twenty minutes.

  He turned to see the carcase of the lion; in it was a swarm of bees and honey – it was the start of Tate & Lyle.

  24. And Samson made a feast for the woman and she brought thirty companions. Samson said, “I’ll spin ye a riddle: if you get it right, I’ll give you thirty changes of underwear, if you can’t, I get thirty changes of underwear. This be the riddle: out of the calf came forth meat, out of the strong came forth sweetness. Get it?” They did not get it, so he killed thirty of them. Meanwhile, his wife had gone off with another. So Samson caught three hundred foxes, tied firebrands to their tails and, when the fire reached their bums, they ran off, setting fire to the cornfields. Then three thousand men of Judah came, bound him, and handed him over to the Philistines, and he was shamed as they were not circumcised. He broke his bonds and, with the jawbone of an ass, he killed another three thousand. He was arrested on two counts of GBH, cruelty to animals and in possession of an unlicensed jawbone of an ass.

  25. And the Philistines imprisoned him and put in with him Delilah, who asked him where his strength lay. He told her until recently Lloyds of London – but that his real strength lay in his hair. She waiteth until he sleepeth, then she shaveth it off. Samson awoke and cried out, “I’m bald, Lord! I’m bald.” The Philistines blinded him, they loved way-out jokes. But Samson took hold of the pillars of the building and down they came, causing several casualties; after hospital treatment they were allowed to go home. Samson ended his days a nightwatchman at Tate & Lyle – no one ever laughed at his riddle.

  26. And there was a man who liveth on top of Mount Ephraim because he said it made him look taller. His name was Micah. He sayeth, “The eleven hundred shekels of silver that were stolen from thee: I believe it was mother.”

  She said, “Blessed be thou of the Lord, thou thieving little bastard.” She took back two hundred shekels, which she put into the high interest account at the Midland. For his share, Micah had graven images; he made an ephod from bonded resin and a teraphim from green plastic, both from Dl Y kits.

  27. In those days there were no kings in Israel, and only one constable, so every man did what was right in his own eyes. Some did it by day, others by night with the blinds down. A certain Levite took to himself a concubine. She played the whore, she also played the banjo and harmonium, she spurned his advances, she did about ten spurns a day, then he stopped making advances and started to retreat. It all ended coitus interruptus, she left for her father’s home taking her ass with her, not until she reached his house did she get off her ass. She was away four months, during this time the Levite maketh a rug, then he arose in the general direction of up and went after her. She took him to her father who rejoiced at having a new B&B customer and they sat down, ate and drank excellent. It was late when the Levite went to bed and later still when the landlord slipped the bill under his bedroom door.

  28. And when the Levite rose up to depart, his father-in-law said, “No, stay on, you’ll be better off and so will I.” So he stayeth and the money runneth out and his father-in-law said, “Isn’t it time you left?”

  So he taketh his concubine and they left for Mount Ephraim. Behold, there came an old man from a field where he’d been doing it. He said, “Whither goest thou, and when comest thou?”

  And the Levite sayeth, “We know not whether we be coming or going.”

  The old man rubbeth his eyes, “I keep seeing spots before the eyes.”

  They sayeth, “Hast thou seen a doctor?”

  He sayeth, “No, only spots before the eyes.” Despite this terrible joke, the old man took them to his home. They washed their feet and the water turneth to porridge.

  29. Then the sons of Belial came to the door asking for the Levite, but the old man telleth him not; instead he brought the concubine, and they abused her all night until the morning, when by now the sons of Belial had all caught it. And at the dawning of the day the Levite said, “What have they done to her?”

  “Everything,” said the old man.

  The Levite took his dead concubine home, then he took a knife and cut her into twelve pieces and posted them, labelled PAL, to different dogs’ homes. The Levite told the children of Israel what the sons of Belial had done to his concubine; he didn’t tell them what he’d done to her.

  30. The children of Israel arose, then beat the shit out of the sons of Belial. And the Lord blessed the children of Israel from His recently refurbished pillar of cloud.

  CHAPTER X

  There was Naomi and her two widowed daughters-in-law, Orpah and Ruth. There was famine in the land save food parcels from Oxfam. The Jewish Chronicle said that the Lord was in Moab distributing bread. Naomi was short of bread, smoked salmon, blintzes and soured cream. So she departeth, saying to Ruth, “Thou need not come with me.”

  But Ruth sayeth, “Whither thou goest, I will go; thy people shall be my people.”

  “That’s very nice of you,” sayeth Naomi.

  “I haven’t finished yet,” said Ruth. “When thou diest, I will die.”

  “No, no, that’s silly,” said Naomi.
“You die when it’s your turn, eh?”

  2. And they arriveth in Bethlehem. Ruth findeth work as a reaper of corn, and the owner of the field was Boaz. He said unto his reapers, “The Lord be with you at one shekel a day.”

  And they sayeth, “It’s bloody slavery.”

  Boaz asked, “Who is yon woman with the big ones?”

  And he sayeth to her, “Thou workest well, and I have charged my young men not to touch thee.”

  “Did you have to?” said Ruth.

  “If you wish, thou canst dwell in my home with my daughters, who are all straight.”

  3. In gratitude, Ruth threw herself on her face on the ground.

  “You won’t see much there,” said Boaz.

  She said, “Why have I found grace in thine eyes?”

  “There must be some mistake,” said Boaz; “I haven’t got anything called grace in mine eyes. Now, at mealtimes come you hither, to eat, and to dip thy morsel in the vinegar.”

  So Ruth had to be satisfied with morsels and dipped vinegar. Ruth returneth to the shekel-a-day reaping and she reapeth an ephah of barley and gave the ephah to Naomi. She maketh an ephah cake and eateth it; Ruth got bugger-all.

  4. “Where thou goest, I goest,” said Ruth.

  “That’s awkward,” said Naomi, “I’m going to the loo.”

  Ruth said, “I must return to Mr Boaz, who looketh after me.”

  Naomi said, “Show thou respect for Boaz, wash thyself and anoint thee and put a raiment upon thee, and get thee down to the floor. And when Mr Boaz lieth down, mark thou the place he shall lie, then go in, and uncover his feet, and lay thee down; and he will tell thee what to do.”

  “You must be bloody mad,” said Ruth.

  And Naomi weepeth.

  Cometh a happy ending. Ruth went and did as Naomi said, and when she uncovered Mr Boaz’s feet, it turned him on. “Do it again,” he said, and married her. After a night of foot uncovering, he begat her and she bore a son. He was called Obed, and his genealogical tree was: Pharez begat Hezron, who begat Ram, and Ram begat Amminadab, who begat Nahshon, who begat Salmon, who begat Boaz, who begat Obed.