Horror, Humor, and Heroes

by Jim Bernheimer

He walks away laughing, “In your dreams, knock-off.”

  They keep holding me until he’s gone. Athena finally says, “We’re going to let you go now. No funny business. No flying off the handle, if you still want that pardon. You get me?”

  “I get you, but I want an explanation, bitch.”

  She starts to look angry, but then holds up her palms. “Okay, you deserve one. He begged me for another chance with her and we go back a ways.”

  “And you didn’t approve of me.”

  She doesn’t bother denying it, “That too, but I’d never have backed him if I knew he’d do that to Stacy.”

  “Do what to me? Why do I have the feeling I’m missing out on something?” Aphrodite asks.

  Athena looks at her and then at me. “Stringel, go get something to eat in the break room. Someone else will cover Richmond. Andy, can you reroute WhirlWendy? I’ll bring Stacy up to speed and then come get you. For what it’s worth, I am sorry.”

  The bitter anger is replaced with an empty numbness. A few of them have the decency to look ashamed. I walk away with a simple, “Whatever.”

  #

  I eat mechanically, not even bothering to appreciate the pun. Not to anyone’s surprise, Ares, Zeus, Apollo, and Poseidon all seem to have decided to get something to eat at the same time. Isn’t there a world in chaos out there? Holly might be “sorry,” but she obviously doesn’t trust me. I don’t blame her.

  Andy was nice enough to contact me via the dispatch system right as I leave. His message was one of simple encouragement, “Should you opt to disassociate yourself with the Olympians, I would be interested in a possible team-up in the future. You have proven to be a valuable ally and, given your current capabilities, I would be reluctant to face you as an enemy on the battlefield.”

  Andy is a stand-up kind of ... guy, so I told him I’d be interested as well. We’re part of the ever-shrinking club that knows the whole story. Suddenly, that seems more important than ever.

  Thirty minutes pass and Aphrodite, not Athena, walks in. She dismisses the rest of the Olympians and approaches. “Mind if I sit down?”

  “It’s your base. I’m just ... well I don’t know what I’m doing.”

  She smiles saying, “They’ve got someone to do that thing with the chair for the next few hours, so I’ve got a little time. I hear we were an item?”

  “Yeah.”

  “How long?”

  “Only a few days.”

  “Really, but you were ready to go toe to toe with Ultraweapon over me? Must’ve been intense.”

  Unable to meet her eyes, I turn away and say, “It was for me.”

  “I believe you. You’re not the kind of guy that I usually go for, but maybe that’s the point. Holly says that you’re responsible for my haircut.”

  Letting out a hollow laugh, I shrug and say, “While you were detoxing from these bugs, I kept you prisoner. I ended up putting a helmet on you to keep you from firing your psi-bolts. Unfortunately, your braids wouldn’t fit. You salvaged it after you got clean, but were still kind of angry with me for a few weeks.”

  “I’ll bet I was. She also said that you’re the reason the world got saved in the first place.”

  I shake my head, trying to look anywhere but at her. “Well, if you can call around-the-clock riots, looting, and civilization on the brink being saved. It’s a mess out there.”

  “So, what do you want to do, Cal? Are you going to keep working to get your pardon, or are you going to hightail it out of here after we finish eating?”

  “I promised you I’d hang around and try to make an honest go of it. You may not remember, but I do.”

  For some reason she grins. “It isn’t always about the money. Is it?”

  The words are hauntingly familiar and I get a little suspicious. “Did that ray really affect you, Stacy?”

  “Did you know that sufficiently powerful mental shields can thwart a Mindwiper?” she answers with a mischievous look.

  “Do tell.” She’s sexy and can use the word ‘thwart’ in a sentence! I can’t help the shit-eating grin spreading across my face. Obviously, all my lying is starting to rub off on her. Being a bad influence never felt so good.

  “People keep forgetting that I did a bit of acting as well as all the modeling. I know the movies tanked, but I wasn't that bad.”

  “True, everyone stopped going when they figured out that you were never going to show any skin. So what’s with all the charades?”

  She reaches over and covers my hands with hers. “Sorry to put you through that, but I needed to teach Holly a lesson. I’d have come here sooner, but I had to make certain that I thoroughly reamed her first. She meddles too damn much and, more importantly, she cheated you out of your fair shake. Trust me – that will be fixed!”

  I’m stunned by the fierceness of her tone. No one has ever stuck up for me like that. Either she really is an incredible actress, or all this meant something to her as well.

  Seeing that I’m at a loss for words, she continues, “Remember when I said you need to make more of an effort to get along with her? Well, she just got the same speech, except it was accompanied by an Olympic-sized ass-chewing.”

  That gets a laugh out of me. “Please tell me that you recorded it?”

  “Afraid not, Cal. You’ll just have to use your imagination. Anyway, I’ll be trapped here for the foreseeable future and you’ve got to earn that pardon, but I’m already thinking of a nice deserted island and a big armored bodyguard to watch over me. You once said you didn’t like walks on the beach. Let’s see if I can cure you of that. Maybe you’ve just never had the right person to walk with.”

  “Are you sure you want to be seen with a ‘D-Lister’ like me? It could ruin your rep.”

  “Cal, no one remembers it, but the video of you fighting everyone, and I mean everyone, all the way down the corridor has been replayed several times. You haven’t been on the ‘D-List’ for awhile now. It doesn’t take four Olympians to keep an eye on just anyone in case they throw a super-tantrum. Why don’t you admit it?”

  “Okay, I’ve finally hit the ‘C-List’. What about Patterson? He’s one breakdown away from going over to the other side.”

  “Holly and the others are going to keep a close eye on him. My guess he is using some kind of designer drugs as his way of coping. Maybe that’s what’s causing his behavior. For his sake, I hope he gets over it. Either way, he’s their problem and I’m going to use this to get him out of my life for good.”

  She’s trading him for me? “Are you sure?” I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but it’s hard. This seems too good to be true.

  “Positive. Back when we were dating, I was some kind of trophy or obsession to him. Once he had me, it wasn’t long before he was looking for his next great achievement. That’s why you’re the one I want. Cal, I can tell that you’re into Stacy, not just the Love Goddess. You’ve seen me at rock bottom and helped me get back on my feet and become a better person. Lazarus…I should have never let him become more than just a friend.”

  Getting another inspiration from her words, I change the tone. She has a way of doing that – my own personal muse. I wonder if she knows. It might be her greatest power. “Just a friend, you say.”

  Her eyes get bigger. “Don’t even think about it!”

  “Oh c’mon, it’s our song.”

  “No, it’s not. We don’t have a song. Even if we did, it wouldn’t be that one!” Despite her protests, she’s enjoying herself.

  “It’s probably the ray affecting your memory. You love the awesomeness that is Biz Markie.”

  As we sit there and engage in witty banter, I see where my life is headed, and for the first time I’m not angry or even bitter about it. I always thought I was just one unlucky break from being the next Lazarus Patterson.

  Well, screw him! He can keep his suit and the teams of engineers that built it. I like mine better. The money? I’ll have enough. Who cares if the rest of the world doesn’t know or
even care that I’m the real hero? Stacy does, and that’s good enough for me.

  Novel Preview

  Coming in early 2010

  Battle Maidens: Book One

  by

  Jim Bernheimer

  Chapter 1

  The Cracked Horn

  Majherri eased his gait, watching the small human children race ahead, screaming in glee. He was tired and didn’t fancy yet another town full of maidens fondling him. His eyes never left the trail in front of him, but he knew all the others were watching. There weren’t many more stops after this one. If he cared, he’d be worried that his time was running out.

  There were a few others who hadn’t been chosen yet, but they were young and eager. They pranced in anticipation, trying to let the sunlight dance off the surface of their polished horns. It was hard to remember when he had felt that alive. His eyes wandered to his shadow walking beside him in the early morning light. In the dark reflection, he appeared normal and his horn looked fine. That of course was a lie. Half of the tip was missing and from that missing piece, a crack ran a third of the way down the length of his horn.

  T’rsa snorted at him, telling him to pick up the pace. Her nostrils flared in annoyance. Majherri made an effort to move quicker. No reason to make his sister suffer because he didn’t want to be here.

  “They’re so beautiful! Mother, can I try and pet them now?” One of the little humans running alongside the group shrieked and tugged at her mother’s arm.

  The older female chided her daughter. “Laura, you have to wait until the Battle Maidens bring the procession into town. The candidates get their chance first and then you’ll have to wait your turn in line with the other children.”

  “But I don’t want to wait in line!”

  “Perhaps you should have thought of that before you insisted that we come out here. There’s likely twenty in that line already, but you had to come out here and see them come into town.”

  Majherri listened to the young girl whine about the unfairness of it all. In days past he probably would have run over to her and let her stroke him briefly, lavishing in the attention. T’rsa always teased him about being such a prideful and rebellious member of the herd.

  She hadn’t teased him in almost a year.

  Majherri could tell his apathy bothered her, but couldn’t work up the interest to care. Most of the others in the herd avoided close contact with him. He was a pariah, an oddity, and an example of something to be avoided at all costs. His was a fate worse than death!

  The group came to a halt in center of the town amid cheers. Even in his state, the festive atmosphere nearly got to him. For a moment, he felt like prancing, but the moment – like so many others, passed without action on his part.

  T’rsa’s rider, Meghan, gracefully slid from the saddle. She was one of the school’s instructors and recruiters. Fine, lightweight mail protected the brown-haired woman. She removed her open faced helm and carried it in the crook of her arm.

  An elder from the town stepped forward to greet her. “Welcome to Helden. We are honored that you have traveled all this way. Obviously the candidates and the young ones are excited, but do you and the others require rest or nourishment?”

  Meghan smiled pleasantly at the man. “The Seeress said that it had been nearly twenty years since this town has been visited. She said that the prospects in Helden were good. Your offer is gracious and I thank you on behalf of all who ride with me. Perhaps after we have concluded the choosing ceremony, we can celebrate together.”

  “Will you be giving a demonstration?”

  “Of course,” she answered. “It will be a brief one, but I think your townspeople will be pleased.”

  For the next fifteen minutes, Majherri watched as the male wagon drivers set up the equipment that the Battle Maidens would use to dazzle the locals. Several worn and battered suits of steel armor were unloaded and arranged to simulate attacking warriors. He noticed Meghan’s eyes linger on a scorch mark one of the suits carried. The darkened metal appeared branded by the violent looking remnant from a previous demonstration. Majherri remembered it as well.

  After the armor was arranged and targets placed on bales of hay. Meghan signaled to the other armored females that they were ready to begin. The three others stood behind her waiting for her to speak.

  “People of Helden, I bring you greetings from the Council of Kings. Today, we are here to see if any of your young maidens can bond with our riderless Unicorns. They will judge you and if you are deemed worthy, you will be asked to join our elite ranks. If you are selected, your family will be paid two hundred gold coins for their permission to take you with us.”

  Meghan paused to allow the murmurs to circulate through the crowd. Majherri often wondered about the strange fascination with these small circles of gold and silver that most humans seemed obsessed with. Danella tried to explain it to him once, but he kept blowing his breath onto her neck to tickle her until she gave up, laughing at his silliness. A poignant stab of pain accompanied that otherwise happy memory.

  “Even should you be selected, you will want to think long and hard on your decision. Becoming a Battle Maiden is not a choice one makes lightly. Some that are chosen will not be able to endure the rigors of training. The bond can break, never fully forming. It is painful for the girl and the Unicorn. I can promise you the training will be hard, because I am one of your trainers. This is not for the faint of heart. Years of grueling physical and mental education will push you beyond your limits, but if you truly have an affinity for a Unicorn, you will persevere, for yourself, your steed, and the magic that connects you!”

  He watched Meghan go through her opening speech with practiced ease. Like most everything else, it failed to keep his attention as she explained the sacred bond between maiden and Unicorn.

  “As the affinity between you and the one who chose you grows, you will be able to draw upon the magic of your companion. It will manifest as one of the four elements. I am aligned to water. Each of the others behind me represents a different element. Water is fluid and ever changing. It replenishes and restores, but it can also drown and erode. Living near the ocean, you know this all too well.”

  The human continued talking as she mounted T’rsa and raised her bow and arrow. She pointed it at the empty shell of scorched armor. The faux-knight held a damaged shield in front of it. A brief moment of serenity crossed the woman’s face as Meghan loosed her arrow. Every eye in the village square followed the projectile. Just as it was about to hit the shield, it shimmered and splattered on the metal as if the contents of a bucket were tossed at it. The stream of water wrapped around the shield and solidified, burying the arrow deep into the steel that should have been protected by the barrier.

  Bored, Mejherri endured more demonstrations from Lindsey and Pasha. The human was aligned to Earth and the pair rode alone through the square channeling the magic through Pasha’s hooves. Instead of a single mounted person, the ground shook like dozens were riding. Majherri distantly remembered the sight of Earth Maidens using “Thunderhooves” to shatter enemy formations.

  Now all it did was annoy him.

  An Air Maiden and her mount, both of whom he barely knew, moved faster than anyone in the village had seen. Air cavalry could flank and harass those shattered formations and run them into the ground.

  Last, there was Bethanne riding Rheyssurah. She was the Fire Maiden demonstrating today. Flames danced off her lance as she charged into the few remaining targets. The duo made short work of them with deliberate movements.

  All through this Meghan continued speaking, describing the various attributes of each element and how the Maidens learn to work with each other as a team. Her words of camaraderie and lifelong friendships tugged at her audience. Majherri knew how adept the human was at public speaking.

  “I have talked at length of the benefits of joining our ranks. Now, let me remind you of the hazards. We are warriors. There is a reason that the High King turns to us when the
re is trouble in the realm. When we fight, it is not some immobile target or hay-stuffed dummy that suffers our wrath. Sometimes, we mourn our lifelong friends when we bury our fallen.” The hitch in her voice was not noticed by any of the audience, but those who knew the human well enough understood.

  Clearing her voice, and whisking hair from her face, she finished, gradually beginning to smile. “That I say for you parents, brothers, and sisters of the candidates. It will be up to you to speak to these candidates, should they be selected. One look at them tells me that nothing I can say to them would dissuade them. I see a warrior’s spirit in each of these maidens before me and hope that one or more of you will join our sisterhood.”

  Gesturing to the two wagons and the dozen young women mounted on Unicorns, Meghan said, “Over there, you see those already chosen from the settlements south of here. I have four Unicorns that have yet to select a rider. I hope that in a few hours, I will have none. Good luck to you all!”