Battle Scars

by Meghan O'Brien

  Ray smiled. She was in love with a woman who enjoyed dry veterinary lectures. Life certainly took some interesting turns. “Then I’ll wish you sweet dreams. Have a great day tomorrow, and call me when you get back to Bodega Bay.”

  “Count on it. Maybe we can go out to dinner or something, like we talked about?”

  Ray quit smiling. What was with the constant desire to go out? Carly knew she didn’t like it. Ray needed to make more of an effort, but she wished Carly would back off. All she wanted was some time to get over the fear of exposure. Was that too much to ask?

  “Maybe,” Ray lied. “We’ll do something fun, I promise.” Her vote would be to stay in and try some of what they had talked about this evening.

  “All right. Tell Jack I’ll see him tomorrow night.”

  “Will do.”

  “And give Jagger a big kiss on the noggin.”

  “He’ll appreciate that.” A wave of fatigue swept over Ray, taking her by surprise. “Wow, I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight.”

  “Yeah,” Carly murmured. “Me, too.”

  *

  Carly clicked off her cell phone and set it on the cheap wooden nightstand in her overpriced hotel room. Her hand wasn’t shaking. From the outside, she probably looked calm. Hopefully she sounded that way when they were saying good-bye. She thought she had held it together rather well, which was surprising. After all, Ray had just shaken her universe to the core.

  She had no idea why hearing Ray say I love you would make her feel like the world was crumbling around her. She should be happy. It wasn’t like she wasn’t deeply in love with Ray, too. Having those feelings returned was a good thing. So why, instead of feeling overjoyed, was she struggling not to descend into full-blown panic?

  Those three words, now that they were out there, suddenly made everything very real. She was in love with a woman who wasn’t Nadia. Even more alarming, she was giving her heart away again, now that it had finally healed. After all the pain she had suffered since losing Nadia, this was just crazy. Leeann thought Ray was a bad risk, and she just might be right. Even if Ray was sincere about her feelings, as Carly believed she was, Ray clearly wasn’t all that comfortable being with a woman.

  Hell, she wasn’t even comfortable leaving the house.

  Carly cringed at the direction of her thoughts. She’d known Ray had issues when they met. She’d known Ray would have to overcome challenges when they started their romantic relationship. And yet she’d moved forward anyway, accepting those facts. It didn’t seem fair to freak out about all this now that both their hearts were invested. In fact, she felt downright shitty.

  Shitty or not, she was afraid.

  When they started their relationship, Ray was at least able to go to the grocery store. They walked on the beach regularly, and Ray even agreed to spend that wonderful afternoon at the Assistance Dog Institute. So yeah, Ray had problems, but there seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

  Now all Carly could see was darkness. Ever since their dinner date, Ray always had some reason they couldn’t or shouldn’t leave the house, and for a while Carly tried to write it off, but she wasn’t stupid. Ray was uncomfortable being seen with her. She was afraid of being outed—to the point where she wouldn’t even permit Carly to confide in her best friend.

  This wouldn’t work. They were on a path to disaster. The situation as it stood was untenable—for Carly, and for Ray. Did it matter that they loved each other if their relationship set Ray back? If she truly loved Ray, shouldn’t Ray’s welfare be her primary concern? It would be selfish for Carly to allow things to keep on like this while Ray continued to backslide.

  Carly ran her hands over her face, then rolled onto her stomach. She hugged her pillow and tried to block out her negative thoughts before they ruined what had been such an amazing night. She really had thought of Ray all day. First at the conference, then at that club with Leeann. The loud music and writhing bodies on the dance floor hadn’t made her feel old so much as lonely and frustrated. She’d come back to the hotel horny and ready to hear Ray’s voice, and she had gotten so much more than she expected.

  To experience that kind of intimacy with Ray had been a gift. It had taken Ray a great deal of courage to share herself so freely, and that meant more than Carly could ever appreciate. She wasn’t sure she had ever been so turned on as she was when she heard Ray bring herself to orgasm. Not to mention honored. She loved Ray heart and soul, and even one day of being apart tore her up inside.

  So why was she letting her brain step in and introduce all these doubts? Carly swore loudly, letting the pillow muffle her words. It had been so long since she’d last been in love, she’d forgotten how confusing it could be. Though she was pretty damn sure things with Nadia were never this confusing. Sometimes she would give anything to be new and shiny again. She used to take her optimism for granted, never realizing it could be snuffed out like a light, and now she missed it.

  Carly rolled onto her back and closed her eyes. She really did need sleep. Maybe things would seem less scary in the morning. Maybe she would know what to do.

  She hoped so, at least. Otherwise she might really fuck things up.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Morning brought few answers, but at least Carly had the long drive back from the city to help clear her head. She took Highway 1 north along the coast, grateful for the ocean view and the meandering pace. Usually she took the 101, but today she was in no hurry to get back to Bodega Bay. As much as she wanted to see Ray, to hold her tight and never let go, Carly was nervous.

  Tonight she would ask Ray to go out one more time. It didn’t really matter where—a restaurant, the beach, something. If Ray agreed, maybe Carly wouldn’t be so anxious. But if she got another silly excuse, they needed to have a very serious talk. Unfortunately she knew what Ray’s answer would be. Now she needed to figure out what she would say when she heard it.

  It tore her heart out to consider abandoning Ray. But something needed to change. She could be patient, but she had her limits. No matter how much her life had slowed down since moving to Bodega Bay, she wasn’t ready to enter self-imposed isolation. Not even for Ray.

  But she wouldn’t abandon her. This was about practicing tough love, for both their sakes. Maybe they should spend some time apart. Ray could decide whether she wanted to deal with being in a lesbian relationship. And maybe Carly could gain perspective. If her life seemed emptier without Ray, she would just have to endure it. For Ray’s sake.

  It was a solid plan, at least until she pulled into Ray’s driveway. Then Ray strode out of her house wearing blue jeans that fit perfectly and a hooded gray sweatshirt that barely hugged her curves, and Carly immediately dismissed any notion of tough love. This woman was beautiful, she was intelligent, and she made Carly laugh. She also understood how much Carly loved dogs, which seemed like a small thing, but wasn’t.

  Carly opened her car door and smiled. “Hey, sweetheart.”

  Ray closed the distance between them and pulled Carly into a warm hug. “How was your drive?”

  “Wonderful.” Carly ran her hands over Ray’s back, then down to her hips. It took everything she had not to slip them beneath Ray’s sweatshirt. “I took the scenic route and it was gorgeous. It’s a beautiful day.”

  “Yes, it is.” Ray took a step back and traced a fingertip between Carly’s breasts. “On that note, we should go inside.”

  Carly shivered at Ray’s suggestive tone. “Okay.”

  Ray led her into the house, where they both braved an onslaught of affection. Jack ran straight to Carly, wiggling his back end and rubbing his face against her hands. Carly dropped to her knees and hugged him, then scratched Jagger’s chest.

  “You can see they’ve missed you as much as I have.” Ray tugged lightly on Jagger’s jowls. “We were a bunch of sad sacks waiting for you to get back.”

  “I missed you guys, too.” Until this moment, she hadn’t realized how much. Carly kissed Jack on the head, then Jag
ger, then she stood and embraced Ray again. Somehow over the past few months, these three had become her family. Carly’s throat tightened and tears welled. Not wanting to explain what she was feeling, she kissed Ray instead.

  This kiss was different from any they shared before. Carly felt it right away, though she couldn’t put her finger on what had changed. Ray seemed more relaxed, perhaps more confident. One hand caressed Carly’s face and the other settled on her hip like it was the most natural thing in the world. There was passion in her touch, but also love.

  Carly pulled away with a shaky exhalation. “That was very nice.”

  “I’ve been thinking about doing that all day.” Ray dropped her hand from Carly’s face to her chest, touching just above the swell of her breast. “Among other things.”

  Carly’s stomach fluttered with anticipation. She had wanted Ray for so long, and now, finally, was the chance to have her. The determination in Ray’s eyes told her that if they went into the bedroom now, they would make love. The thought was so powerful it threatened to erase all Carly’s worries.

  At least until they were basking in the afterglow. Then what?

  “We talked about maybe going out tonight.” Carly heard the words coming out of her mouth before she realized she was saying them. When Ray’s face darkened slightly, she was glad she had. They needed to sort this out before they consummated their relationship. No matter how badly Carly wanted to. “I’m hungry. Aren’t you?”

  “Not for food.” Ray gave her a shockingly seductive smile, then whispered close to her ear. “But yes, I am hungry.”

  Carly stood paralyzed, warring with what to do. One part of her wanted to take Ray by the hand and drag her to the bedroom. At the same time, fear bloomed. If they made love, there was no turning back. Her heart would belong to Ray completely, and she would be at Ray’s mercy.

  “I need to use the bathroom.” Carly needed to get away from Ray, to clear her head. How could she think with those gorgeous hazel eyes staring at her? “Just for a minute.”

  Ray nodded, but her disappointment was clear. “I’ll wait for you in the bedroom?”

  “Sure.” Carly forced a smile. She didn’t want Ray to sense her conflict until she’d had a chance to sort things out, but from the look on Ray’s face, she wasn’t doing a great job of hiding her unease. “I’ll be right in.”

  “Is everything all right, babe?”

  Carly’s heart swelled at this first term of endearment from Ray. “It’s fine. Just one minute.”

  “Okay. I’ll let the dogs hang out in the backyard for a bit.”

  “That’s fine.” Carly tried not to think about what they would do in the bedroom all alone. “I’ll be right there.”

  It took everything Carly had not to sprint to the bathroom. She shut the door behind her calmly, then slumped against it and closed her eyes. When she thought about asking Ray to go out tonight, she never imagined that her silly excuse would be the desire to stay in and make love instead. Honestly, that didn’t seem very silly to Carly.

  She wasn’t even sure it was an excuse. They’d shared something powerful last night, and clearly it had affected Ray. She seemed more open, more comfortable in her own skin. The thought of turning this into a confrontation over leaving the house instead of honoring Ray’s courage made her sick. But she couldn’t in good conscience sleep with Ray when they needed to have this conversation first.

  Carly took a deep breath and stepped out of the bathroom. When she glanced out the window and saw the dogs playing in the backyard, a sudden thought stopped her. Jagger was in the backyard. Apart from Ray. That Ray felt confident enough to be separated from him was astounding, a sign of progress. But if they had this talk, Ray would need him close.

  When Carly walked into the bedroom with Jack and Jagger trailing her, Ray looked confused. She sat on the bed with the lights dimmed, a few lit candles on the nightstand. The atmosphere was simple but romantic, and Carly had to ball her hands into fists to work up the will to follow through with what she had planned. Falling into bed with Ray would be much easier. Not to mention more satisfying.

  “Were the dogs upset about being outside?” Ray smiled when they approached her, but pointed at the dog beds on the floor. “Lay on your pillows, boys.”

  Feeling as though she were moving in slow motion, Carly sat next to Ray. She took Ray’s hand and held it in her lap. No matter how important it was to have this talk, Carly couldn’t shake the fear that she was about to do something very stupid.

  “What’s wrong?” Ray’s voice was low and worried. “And please don’t tell me nothing.”

  Carly put her other hand on Ray’s face, encouraging her to make eye contact. “I just wanted to talk to you about something before we…” She nodded at the mattress. “You know.”

  “What do you want to talk about?”

  She could hear the tension in Ray’s voice, almost as though she had some idea where this might be going. “I love you, Ray. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy.”

  “I love you, too.” Ray seemed to search Carly’s eyes. “You make me very happy.”

  “I know.” Carly squeezed her hand again. “I’m worried about you.”

  Ray frowned. “But I’m doing great. I mean, last night…” Her frown transformed into a shy grin. “Was incredible. That was a really big step for me. And you were wonderful.”

  “You are doing great,” Carly said. The truth was, in almost every way except her agoraphobia, Ray was doing awesome. Even better than Carly could have imagined. After their first attempt at making love, Carly thought it might take months for Ray to work up the nerve to try again. But here she was weeks later, like a new woman. “I’ve seen so many changes in you since we met, and I am so, so proud of all your progress. It means everything to me because I know it means everything to you.”

  “It’s amazing.” Ray stroked Carly’s knuckles. “I never thought I would feel the things you’ve made me feel. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain to you exactly how life-changing this has all been.”

  Carly nodded, feeling increasingly sick to her stomach. “I’ve noticed something, though. For a while you were doing so well with getting out of the house. You were buying groceries, and we were walking on the beach almost every day. But it seems like since our dinner date, you haven’t wanted to go out anymore.”

  Ray’s smile was gone. “I’m not sure that’s true.”

  “Ray, you’ve been living on next to no groceries for two weeks now. We haven’t walked on the beach since the day you had your panic attack. Every time I ask you to do something, you have some reason we should stay home instead.”

  “Maybe I want to be alone with you.” Ray withdrew her hand from Carly’s. “Is that abnormal? I’ve been falling in love with you and all I want is to spend time with you. The rest of the world be damned.”

  “It’s not abnormal. But you know there’s more to it than that. This isn’t about wanting to be alone with me, is it? I think it’s about not wanting to be seen with me. As your lover.”

  “You’re wrong,” Ray said, but she seemed to have suddenly found something interesting to look at on the floor. “I just…need a chance to adjust.”

  “When do you think you’ll be okay with me telling Leeann about us?”

  Ray’s head snapped up. “You said you understood about that.”

  “I did. I do. But keeping our relationship secret makes me feel very alone. I don’t like secrets. I can’t live like that.”

  Ray shifted slightly, angling her body away from Carly. “I wasn’t asking you to live like that forever. I just needed time.”

  “How much time?” Carly said quietly. “Because it seems like things are getting worse instead of better. And I don’t like feeling that our relationship is detrimental to your mental health.”

  Ray stood up and walked away from the bed. “You don’t know anything about my mental health,” she said, grinding the words out. She stood with her back to Carly,
shoulders tense. “You have no idea how much better I’m doing now than when I first came home.”

  “You’re right. But I do know that you were doing better three months ago than you are right now.”

  Ray spun around, eyes ablaze. “Bullshit. I might have been going to the grocery store and taking walks on the beach, but I wasn’t better than I am right now.”

  “Maybe we just have different definitions of better.” Carly tried to keep her voice calm, but she was having a hard time. She had never seen Ray so angry, and everything she said just made her angrier. “I’m not trying to piss you off, sweetheart. I just think we need to talk about this.”

  Ray closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, then exhaled. She turned away from Carly again and continued to breathe quietly. Carly stayed silent. When Ray turned around again, it looked like she had regained some control.

  “Go ahead and tell Leeann about us. Do you trust her to be discreet?”

  Carly’s stomach sank. “She’s my best friend. Of course I trust her.”

  “Fine, then. Tell her whatever you want. As long as she doesn’t go around telling anyone else—”

  “Who is she going to tell?” Carly’s ire rose, both at Ray’s distrust of Leeann as well as the idea that their relationship was some dirty little secret. “I appreciate having your permission to stop keeping this from Leeann, but it doesn’t resolve anything if you still insist on us being totally closeted.”

  Ray’s brow furrowed. “I don’t know what to tell you. This is new for me. I need more time to get used to it, and I don’t understand why you’re pressuring me about this right now. Tonight, of all nights.” Her voice cracked. “I thought we would have a special evening together, after last night, and now—” Folding her arms over her chest, Ray said, “I feel attacked.”

  “I need to know that things won’t always be this way. I need to know that at some point in the relatively near future, we’ll be able to go places together. I need to know that you’re not going hungry because you’re too afraid to buy groceries.” Carly swallowed and shifted her gaze away from Ray. “I need to know that you’re ready to be with me, and right now I don’t think you are.”