Battle Scars

by Meghan O'Brien

  “What are you saying?” Ray’s words were clipped, almost cold. “Are you breaking up with me?”

  “No,” Carly said, a little more loudly than she intended. “But maybe we should spend some time apart. Until you can be with me without backsliding on all the progress you’ve made.”

  Ray stared at her without speaking for what felt like forever. Carly met her gaze, willing herself not to cry. She could see pain and betrayal in Ray’s eyes, even though it was obvious she was trying hard to keep her face impassive. Finally Ray walked to the nightstand and blew out the candles.

  When she straightened, Ray said, “Get out.”

  “What?” Carly’s heart twisted painfully.

  “I said, get the fuck out of my house.” Ray stalked to the bedroom door and opened it. “You want to leave? Then leave. That’s your choice.”

  “I don’t want to leave. I’m not breaking up with you, Ray. I just—”

  “You just want to control everything, including my recovery. You want to force me into an openness I’m not ready to deal with.” Ray’s voice rose. “You want to make all the decisions for us, so I’m letting you. You think we should spend time apart? Fine. Then get the fuck out of here.” She shouted the last bit, and Carly’s heart rate picked up at Ray’s barely concealed rage.

  Jagger walked to Ray’s side and nudged her hand. She touched his head, lips trembling. Jack paced anxiously next to the bed, whining. Carly could tell that the tension in the room was freaking him out, so she called him to her and stroked his side. Then she stood, trying to stay as calm as possible.

  “Please don’t push me away,” Carly said. “I love you and I only want what’s best for you.”

  “You’re the one who’s pushing me away.” Ray wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I was always honest with you about my limitations, and you told me I was worth the risk. You said you could be patient. But I guess that was before you actually had to deal with me.”

  Carly’s legs threatened to buckle. She felt like someone had taken a knife and cut into her chest, like she was bleeding all over the floor. Her heart was breaking again. Everything she had feared was coming to pass, and it was all her fault.

  “Fine,” Carly said thickly. “I’ll leave. But I’m not walking away from you. We can talk about it when you’ve had some time to think about what I’m saying.”

  Ray didn’t say anything, but she seemed to lean against Jagger, who stood protectively at her side. Carly walked to the door and paused next to Ray so Ray could say good-bye to Jack. Ray dropped to her knees and hugged him like she would never see him again. A chill ran down Carly’s spine. What if by walking out of this room, she lost Ray forever?

  When Ray got to her feet after one last gentle tug on Jack’s ear, Carly reached out to touch her hand. Ray jerked away sharply, hitting her elbow on the wall. Stung, Carly took a step backward.

  “I’ll call you.” Carly’s voice shook. “Please answer the phone when I do, okay?”

  To her surprise, Ray finally made eye contact. Carly read nothing in her blank expression. “How about I call you? After all, I have no idea how long it’ll take me to become the person you want to be with.”

  “You’re already the person I want to be with. Just not at the expense of your health.”

  Ray gestured at the door again. “Drive safe.”

  Carly knew that if she kept talking, they would just go round and round about this. Maybe leaving was best. If Ray had time to think about Carly’s concerns, maybe she would understand why Carly felt like she had to say something.

  “Fine.” Carly stepped out the bedroom door past Ray, calling Jack to her side. “I’ll see you later.”

  Silence followed her to the front door.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Ray slumped to the floor when she heard the front door shut behind Carly. She pressed her back to the wall and folded her hands over her stomach, fighting not to lose her lunch. Jagger lay down in front of her and maneuvered his head on to her lap. Grateful for his closeness, she stroked his face and tried to calm down.

  What a fucking idiot she was. All day she had been planning to make love with Carly, blissfully unaware of the trouble brewing between them. Though she had known that Carly was catching on to her reluctance to be seen in public together, she had hoped to have more time before Carly made a big deal about it.

  Ray balled her hands into fists, overcome with the urge to strike something. But she was pinned beneath Jagger’s bulk and didn’t want to startle him by slamming into the wall, so she stayed still. She was glad Jagger was there. If she were alone, she didn’t know what she would’ve done.

  She couldn’t decide who she was more angry with: Carly or herself. On the one hand she felt like Carly had ambushed her when she least expected it. That Carly had suggested they take a break was a punch in the gut. On the other hand, she couldn’t blame Carly for wanting more than Ray could give. Normal people liked to leave the house on occasion. And Carly was unashamed and unapologetic about who she was, which was something Ray loved about her. Of course it would be difficult for Carly to lie.

  So what had she expected? That Carly would stand by silently while Ray isolated them from the world? Even if Carly did love her, that was a hell of a lot to ask of someone. Unfortunately, Ray didn’t know what more she could give Carly.

  Dr. Evans had told her to talk to Carly about her fears and she hadn’t. From here on the floor, broken in two, she could see that she had been a coward. She hadn’t wanted Carly to know how anxious the threat of exposure made her, or about the attention they could both receive if someone found out about their relationship. She was afraid Carly wouldn’t stay with her.

  That had worked out well. Ray’s laugh came out harsh, like a sob. “Why did I ever think I could be with her?” Ray asked Jagger, who blinked in response. “I am so fucking stupid.”

  She wished there was beer in the house. Though she had never been much of a drinker before Iraq and stayed far away from alcohol after being diagnosed with PTSD, right now she desperately wanted a drink. Anything to numb her pain. It was either that or put her fist through a wall.

  She needed to call Dr. Evans. Now.

  With effort, Ray picked herself up off the floor. Jagger stood with her, staying close by her side. She walked to her cell phone as though she were in a dream, then watched her fingers navigate the contact list until she had Dr. Evans’s number on-screen. She listened to the phone ring in a haze, waiting for the voice mail where she would leave her message.

  After the beep, Ray said, “Dr. Evans, this is Ray McKenna. I need you to call me back as soon as you have a chance. I’m having a pretty bad day—” Her voice broke, and she closed her eyes. No point in lying. “I feel like I want to do something to hurt myself right now.” Realizing how that might be interpreted, she hastily added, “Not like kill myself or anything. Just…I need to talk to you. I’m really upset. Thank you. Bye.”

  Ray hung up and stood motionless, unsure what to do next. She wasn’t hungry. Television wouldn’t hold her interest, nor would a book. She took the phone to her bed and lay down, inviting Jagger next to her. Her whole body felt numb. Carly had only been gone ten minutes, but it could have easily been ten years. She felt entirely alone.

  Wrapping her arms around Jagger, Ray held him close. He groaned, bringing a smile to her face despite herself. No matter what, Jagger was here for her. It didn’t matter how fucked up she was. He would stick by her in good times and bad, even if she had a setback. All he wanted was to be loved and cared for, and she could do that. At least she had one dependable relationship.

  The phone rang in her hand. Ray checked the display then brought it to her ear. “Hi, Dr. Evans.”

  “I got your message, Ray. Can you sign on to your computer?”

  “Sure.” Ray sat up in bed.

  “Are you all right? You haven’t done anything to harm yourself, have you?”

  “No.” Ray kept her free hand on Jagger’s back as she walke
d to her office. “I was cuddling with Jagger.”

  “That’s a very good way to deal with strong emotions. Is this about Carly?”

  Ray brought her computer to life, then clicked the chat program icon. “Is it that obvious?”

  “Well, I would think that if it weren’t about Carly, you might have called her. That may be an incorrect assumption, but it was my first thought.”

  “No, you’re right. This is about Carly.” Ray double-clicked on Dr. Evans’s username, launching a video chat window.

  “I see you calling. Let’s hang up the phone now, okay?”

  “Okay,” Ray said, then disconnected their call. A moment later Dr. Evans appeared on-screen. Ray could see her deep concern. “Thanks for getting back to me so quickly, Dr. Evans.”

  “It’s no problem. Your message worried me. I haven’t heard you that upset for a very long time.”

  “I know. I haven’t been.”

  “Can you tell me what happened?”

  Ray opened her mouth to speak and was mortified when her jaw chattered. Angry at how her body betrayed her, she clamped her mouth shut. If she started crying now, she wasn’t sure she would be able to stop.

  “It’s okay,” Dr. Evans said. “This is hard. Your body is trying to release some of the emotion you’re feeling. Go with it.”

  Ray made fists with her hands until her blunt fingernails cut into her palms. “Carly thinks we should spend some time apart. Take a break.” Her eyes filled with tears and she blinked them back, pissed off. “Fuck, I don’t want to cry.”

  “If you need to cry, it’s better to just let it out. Did Carly say why she thinks you should spend time apart?”

  “Because—” Ray’s chin quivered and she tightened her jaw, desperate for control. “Because she thinks our relationship is detrimental to my mental health.”

  “Is it?”

  Ray glared at the screen. “Of course not. I haven’t been this happy in forever. I had an orgasm last night, for God’s sake. I’ve seen more progress in the past few months with Carly than I did in the two years before.”

  “You had an orgasm?” Dr. Evans raised an eyebrow. “With Carly?”

  “Sort of.” Now that Ray thought about it, this was embarrassing to talk about. Still, she wanted Dr. Evans to know how well she was doing. “We were on the phone. Talking.”

  “Ah, okay. And that was last night?”

  “Yeah, she was at a conference in San Francisco and called me before bed. We started talking about sex, and then…you know.”

  “Wonderful. That must have been a relief. I know you’ve been concerned about your ability to climax.”

  “It was incredible.” Sorrow overwhelmed her, a crushing sense of loss. “Not that it matters now.”

  “It matters. I know how much courage it must have taken for you to share yourself with Carly in that way. Good for you.” Dr. Evans gave her a reassuring smile. “Regardless of whatever else has happened, take some time to savor that victory. Okay?”

  Ray nodded miserably. “I just feel so stupid now.”

  “Because of what happened tonight?”

  “It came out of the blue. Like she ambushed me. Here I thought we were going to sleep together, maybe, tonight, but instead—”

  “Why does Carly think your relationship is detrimental to your mental health?”

  Ray looked down. “She’s noticed that I’m having trouble leaving the house. Especially with her.” She shrugged, embarrassed that she had let her fears lead them to this place. “She doesn’t think I’m ready to be with her.”

  “When we talked about your anxiety around going out a while ago, we discussed the importance of sharing your fears with Carly. Did you two ever have that conversation?”

  Ray picked at a spot on the corner of her desk. “Not really.”

  “Not at all? Or just not extensively?”

  “She brought it up once. Said she’d noticed that I seemed more reluctant to do stuff than I had before we were together, but I blew it off. I didn’t want to admit that she was right.” Ray’s throat stung. “I didn’t want her to know what I was afraid of. It was stupid.”

  “So all she knew was that when you two got into a relationship, all of a sudden you didn’t want to go anywhere or be seen with her.” Dr. Evans paused, then said, “Do you understand why she would be concerned?”

  “I guess. But she knew I had problems from the beginning. I never lied to her.”

  “Knowing you have problems and seeing that they’re getting worse after you enter a relationship are very different things. It sounds like she cares about you a great deal. And I have to imagine that it would be difficult for her to be isolated if it’s not what she’s used to.”

  “I get that.” Ray touched Jagger’s head. “But she said she would be patient with me. She knows this is new for me. We’ve only been together a couple months. She didn’t give me a chance to get comfortable.”

  “Maybe you didn’t give her the chance to be supportive by not letting her in on what you were going through,” Dr. Evans said. “Let me know if this sounds right, okay? Carly tried to bring this up with you and you dismissed her concerns. Perhaps she felt the only way to get you to confront these issues honestly was to make you see that they were important enough to her to force a separation.”

  “You think she did the right thing? Leaving me like this?”

  “I think she did what she thought was right.”

  “Well, she’s wrong. She didn’t have to leave to make her point.” Ray felt her emotion rise again, and she took a deep breath.

  “It sounds like you’re angry at her. Do you think the suggestion to spend time apart came from somewhere other than a place of concern?”

  “Maybe she’s scared.” The words seemed to come out of nowhere, but Ray knew there could be some truth to them. “Last night I told her I was in love with her for the first time. After I did, she seemed very emotional, not necessarily in a good way. She said she was overwhelmed.”

  Dr. Evans tilted her head. “It could be that she’s afraid of getting too serious when you two still have so many fundamental issues to deal with.”

  It always came back to Ray and her fucked-up neuroses, didn’t it? “So it’s pretty much all my fault no matter how you look at it.”

  “I don’t think it’s necessary to assign blame. It takes two people to make a relationship work, or not. I do think you two need to focus on communication.”

  “What’s the point? I know what she wants and I can’t give it to her.”

  Dr. Evans raised her hand. “That sounds like a thought distortion. Why couldn’t you give Carly what she wants?”

  “Because she wants a normal girlfriend who will take her out to dinner and a movie and probably hold her hand on the street, and I can’t imagine ever being able to do that.” A powerful wash of grief swept over her, choking her up. “She deserves so much better than me.”

  “Do me a favor, okay?” Dr. Evans waited until Ray nodded, then said, “Take a moment and remember what you felt like when you first came home from Iraq.”

  Ray shuddered. Everything had been so painful and frightening back then: the night terrors, the sudden bouts of rage and grief and guilt, and the awful certainty that she was losing her mind.

  “Don’t let yourself get swept away by it,” Dr. Evans said. “Just remember.”

  “I remember.”

  “Would you have ever imagined then that you would be where you are now?”

  Where was she now? Aside from her fear of being in public, not in bad shape. The nightmares were infrequent and her moods were relatively stable. Most days she felt like she might come out the other side of this thing, if only she gave herself half a chance. Two years ago, she would never have dreamed that a relationship was even an option.

  “No, I couldn’t have imagined it,” Ray said. “You’re right.”

  “So don’t you think it’s likely that you will only continue to improve? Two years from now you may l
ook back on this time and think the same thing—I never would have believed then that I could be where I am now.”

  The dam burst. Ray bent at the waist and folded her arms over her stomach, opening her mouth in a silent sob. Dr. Evans let her cry for what felt like hours. Ray didn’t know what set her off, just that she didn’t have any room to keep this emotion inside any longer.

  “It’s okay, Ray,” Dr. Evans said when her sobs finally abated. “Everything is going to be okay. You’re a survivor. You’re a strong and capable woman, and you will become whoever you want to be.”

  “How?” Jagger rested his head on her arm and Ray hugged him close. “How the hell am I supposed to stop being afraid?”

  “You told me before that one of your concerns about having your relationship with Carly made public was that your family would find out. Have you thought about talking to them about Carly on your own terms?”

  Ray cringed. She hadn’t even talked to her mom or sisters about the California weather. It was hard to imagine making the first phone call in months to chat about her sexuality. “I’m nervous.”

  “It can be extremely nerve-wracking for people to tell their families that they’re in a same-sex relationship. How do you think yours will react?”

  “Okay, but I don’t know. I would probably tell my older sister Juliet first.” Ray tried to imagine the conversation and her stomach knotted up. “She and I used to be close, but we haven’t talked in a while. It seems weird to call her up and drop that bombshell.”

  “Maybe it would make you feel better. The anticipation is usually the worst part, regardless of the outcome. Keeping secrets is hard, and it takes a physical and emotional toll.”

  A flash of guilt stiffened her spine. That was what Carly had been trying to tell her, wasn’t it? Too many secrets poisoned things. “I’ll think about it. I promise.”

  “Do what you can. Carly would most likely be happy just to see some effort, if not a tidal change.”